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GAME OF THE WEEK

Corlears Hookers (6-1-0) at Happy Little Elves (4-1-0-2)

Location: Tompkins West, 2:00 PM

Game Notes: Yes, folks it’s a rematch of the championship game that Rich Glanzer hasn’t stopped talking about for three years. How could we not pick it as Game of the Week? While there’s no question that this is a marquee matchup, that’s about the only thing not in doubt about this week’s game. Among the many queries on the minds of interested observers:

1)     Is Dustin Olson a legitimate Captain or just a puppet leader? So far he’s escaped the Luongo curse but no one really believes that a goalie is the mastermind behind the league’s second most potent offence. Rumors are flying about rampant Sudafed use in the Hookers locker room, a stratagem cooked up by team veteran Al “Sniffles” Huang.

2)    Which team will Jason Eitel play for this week? Photos on this very website lead many to believe that the Elves have pulled off the biggest recruitment coup since Kamdyn Moore decided there were too many lesbians on the Rehabs (at least that’s the reason she’s been giving the ORG for her departure). Your intrepid reporter tried to get the inside scoop for you, dear readers but by the time we caught up with Eitel he and Arthur “Big Red” Revechkis had already polished off their first bottle of whiskey. Eitel’s drunken protestations that “I need Elf love!” only fueled speculation that he had either switched teams or finally revealed his hidden love of LORD OF THE RINGS cosplayers.

3)    Will the Elves ever win a shootout? A rotating cast in net hasn’t helped matters. But so far this season, the Elves have been like Dave Sokol in the ACE bar. They look good but can’t finish. If goalie Shawn “Tenacious D” Lazee is between the Pipes, the Elves might finally turn that trend around. Otherwise, look for the Hookers to play for the tie and win it in the skills competition.

Watchability: Hard to call. There’s no doubt that this will be a great game. But if the Hookers wear their purple outfits and the Elves are in their signature green, this will be a hard one to watch for anyone with any sort of fashion sense.

Butchers at Denim Demons

Location: Tompkins East, 1:00 PM

Game Keys: The Butchers are coming off of a tough OT loss to the Rainbows last week while a short-sided Demons team managed to take the resurgent Anklebiters to a full-on tie. With only a week’s break this time expect both teams to come surging out of the box in a hard fought battle. That’s what we would write if this game weren’t scheduled at 1 pm. Most of the Butchers will be coming to the game straight from their previous nights activities (rumor has it that team offensive dynamo Georgine Paulin didn’t even know there was a one o’clock in the afternoon). Meanwhile, Demons Captain Adam Rubens aka the Herb Brooks of BTSH has given strict orders that no one is to leave the Demons compound the night before the match. Will this result in a focused squad or Nashville Predators style suspensions for team roustabouts Jeff Kamen and Aaron “Coach” Pagdon? One thing is for sure; if the Butchers want to win this one they better bring extra shoes for co-Captain and part time ragamuffin Rachel Greene.

Gouging Anklebiters at Mathematics

By Derek Tagliarino Fan club President Rich Glanzer

Location: Tompkins West, 1:00 PM

Game Keys: Last year when these two teams met, some of the legends of BTSH were asked what they thought of the matchup.

Future Hall of Famer and newest Elf Jason Eitel said, “Who vs. who?” Trevor Beauclair said, “None of those players are as good or pretty as me, eh?” And while we’re not sure what exactly Martin Cejka said because we don’t speak Czechoslovakian, it sorta sounded like, “No talent fucktards.”

But a new season has brought some new talent to these two teams. Instead of fighting for the 16th seed, these two teams are battling it out for first. Joe P., Craig and Coco have brought new life to the Biters, as they are the clear favorites to win the most prestigious division in hockey. But Math won’t be coming to this gunfight with a knife. They bring BTSH’s newest sensation, Zach Norris. Unlike Madonna, Pele, and Zach Norris’s hero Cher, Zach Norris demands that you call him by his full name at all times. And dammit Zach Norris deserves the respect because he once had a good game for Math. Once.

I see Math really putting a lot of pressure on the Biters. The Math captain will have them ready to play and I see a 3-2 victory for the Mathletes.

Filthy Gorgeous at Fresh Kills

By Fresh Kills Beat Reporter Eli Kazin

Location: Tompkins East, 2:00 PM

Game Keys: It is another Bratta Division battle on the docket for Fresh Kills this week, as the defending champs line up against Filthy Gorgeous and the league’s top ranked offense.  Leading the way for Filthy Gorgeous is the duo of “Gentleman” James Pereira and Sunny Mehra, who have combined to score 15 of the team’s 24 goals on the season.  Pereira currently leads the league with eight goals through seven weeks of play, while Mehra’s seven tallies put him in a multi-way tie for second.  As a team, Filthy Gorgeous has put up four or more goals in five of seven games this season, including last week’s overtime loss to the Tompkins Square Riots.  Fresh Kills, however, does not seem to be intimidated by this offensive showing.  Dave Sokolyansky’s squad held Filthy Gorgeous to its lowest output of the season in a 5-1 win in Week 2, the only regulation loss Filthy Gorgeous has suffered to this point.  Five different players scored a goal in that win for Fresh Kills, and a similar effort will likely be needed if the team is going to sweep the season series with Filthy Gorgeous.

Sky Fighters at Tompkins Square Riots

Location: Tompkins East, 3:00 PM

Game Keys: 

The Riots are coming off an upset victory against Filthy Gorgeous last week that could be the turning point in their season. Whether it was the purposeful absence of Amy Jones or the inspiration that Euro 2012 is providing Patrick Blohme, they looked like the team that easily swept their division a couple of years ago. Unfortunately for TSR as the football festival continues the teams Europeans (who also happen to be their top goal scorers) will be increasingly distracted. Luckily, Sky Fighters face the exact same problem. The solution seems very simple to all of us here at the ORG. Find a friendly bar with a big screen (Kelly’s would be our pick) and settle the whole thing with a good old-fashioned bubble hockey match. In fact, let’s make that an option for all the teams in the league this year.

Are you with me, Captains? And, no, Greg Altman, this does not mean you should go out and recruit “Peggy” for Cobra Kai.

What the Puck at La Famiglia

By La Famiglia Beat Reporter Bill Tucker

Location: Tompkins West, 3:00 PM

Game Keys: Question:  Will goaltender and Devils uber-fan Anthony Romeo finally play a game in his custom made WTP jersey now that the Stanley Cup Finals are over?

Question:  Will The Family’s Alfred Liu ever stop being polite, and start getting real?

Question:  Can What The Puck maintain their dominance of the Brown Division lead against a surging La Famiglia squad?

While we may have to wait until Sunday to get the answer to these inquiries, this matchup means a great deal to both participants.  Despite a tough 2-1 OT loss at the hands of The Corporation, the Orange Armada comes into this matchup as the only team in the league that has yet to lose in regulation.  Experts are unsure if this is due to the offensive production of Tom McDonald or the goalie blinding effect created by the bling of Michelle Doucet’s engagement ring.  Famously known for attendance issues as the weather heats up, What The Puck looks to keep that zero in the loss column for as long as they can.

On the other side of the court sits La Famiglia, a team that’s starting to find a real groove in their new divisional home.  Last week’s 4-1 drubbing of the Sky Fighters served as a coming out party for the dynamic duo of Shafiq “Off Black” Perry and Denis Miciletto as the pair combined for three goals.  With a clicking offense, their famously stingy defense and the sound goaltending of Tim Kayiatos all working in unison, the Yellow and Red seem to have found their rhythm in the highly competitive Brown Division.  This will not be an easy out for the Tropicana Terrors.

Dr. Hunter S. Tompkin’s Official Prediction = Like the San Francisco drug culture in the mid-sixties, all good things must come to an end.  3 – 2 in favor of the former Tuques.

Gut Rot at Cobra Kai

Location: Tompkins East 4:30 PM

Game Keys: Gut Rot won a game last week! How will they handle the potential of a possible winning streak? Probably the same way they handle everything else, with equal parts hockey skill, laid back attitude and (probably) new t-shirts. Cobra Kai also won last week and they’ll be looking to keep their streak going. Personality wise, they’re the opposite of the Rot, an intense, focused team that takes its name seriously. But with a ton of new players on the roster they lack the familiarity and team unity of the former Mexican Standoff crew. Plus, they don’t have a guy named Gilligan on their squad. And, as hours of TV rerun viewing have taught us, you should never bet against a Gilligan. Advantage, GutRot.

Gremlins at Mega Touch

Location: Tompkins West, 4:30 PM

Game Keys: Come on, teams. Give us something to work with here. Luke from Gremlins is nice. Julie from Mega Touch is nice. Jon from Gremlins is nice. Even the goalies are nice. And we can only spend so many weeks making fun of Adriano. We need a storyline for this one guys. Is this the game where Meyer gives up impersonating Tintin and wears regular socks? Where Mark MacAdam choreographs a team musical number? Where Eric Devlin smiles?

This will be a nice game. Somebody let us know if anything happens, ok?

Poutine Machine at Dark Rainbows

By ORG Special Correspondent Monica Russo

Location: Tompkins East, 5:30 PM

Game Keys:  There are tons of players on Poutine Machine. We know this. Each week, the courts are lousy with white- or blue-shirted Machiners swarming around like french fries.

This is not necessarily a bad thing. This deep-benched team knows how to play with each other (heehee), as their roster has pretty much remained unchanged. And while the Rainbows are coming off of a win last week, and PM a loss, the 2012 Rainbows are a much newer team.

This Kazin division game could go either way. I’ll take some action on it, actually. Are we allowed to bet actual money on these games? I’m pretty sure I’d take Poutine Machine on a low stakes bet, but I can be convinced…

Editor’s Note: While the ORG does not condone wagering, we do appreciate that Monica did not actually bet against her husband. On the other hand, what’s up with this “low stakes bet” crap?

Rehabs at Lbs. Inc

Location: Tompkins West, 5:30 PM

Game Keys:  We’ll forego all the easy black and white jokes here as well as the usual Amy Winehouse and Republican references we trot out whenever these two teams play. Instead we want to commend the Rehabs for dedicating the season to their two departing Captains. Whether it’s the teamwide embrace of “the Hummus & Shwarma diet” in honor of MDF or Bryan Welch’s donation of an old bean bag chair and lava lamp to Stacy Kehoe (“You know, for college”), the men & women in black are going to miss their inspirational leaders. Only Jon Feldman’s blatant campaigning for the “C” has marred their farewell tour so far. Giving away poster of the Winkelvoss Twins and inviting teammates to go “boating” may have worked on your Wharton classmates (or the Lbs. for that matter) but the ‘Habs are not so easily swayed. So come on Carsten , Ken and company. Put on your Nathan Horton and Brooks Orpik jerseys and let the Slam Sisters (or at least one of them) terrorize you one more time. You know it’s the right thing to do.

 

This entry was posted on Thursday, June 14th, 2012 at 10:48 am and is filed under Weekly Previews. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.