{"id":10519,"date":"2015-04-06T14:58:01","date_gmt":"2015-04-06T18:58:01","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.btsh.org\/bruise\/?p=10519"},"modified":"2015-04-06T14:58:01","modified_gmt":"2015-04-06T18:58:01","slug":"who-dunnit","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/who-dunnit\/","title":{"rendered":"Who Dunnit?!"},"content":{"rendered":"

Choose Your Own Adventures<\/span> CLUE!<\/p>\n

A note from the author: the following happened, in exact order, to the exact word, in a way I think I remembered how I interpreted it\u2026 –Hsieh<\/p>\n

\"Clue<\/a><\/p>\n

The sun was shining, my hockey sticks were in hand, and I was looking forward to the first of many relaxing Sunday summer days at Tompkins Square Park.\u00a0 Today was the Free Agent scrimmage, where almost every team looks to replace their entire team in order to contend against the Hookers<\/span> Math<\/span> Skyfighters<\/span> Filthy Gorgeous and Fresh Kills for the PBR Cup.\u00a0 Unfortunately, for the 18 other teams–this never happens–and there are only 1-2 good players to pick from.\u00a0<\/p>\n

However, as excited as I was, I always know whenever I am longing for a relaxing day of ball hockey, Rich Glanzer usually ruins it.\u00a0 And that\u2019s what happened. \u00a0He instantly found me and told me how someone has placed ads online in his likeness.\u00a0 I don\u2019t know what he is talking about; I tell him that any PR is good PR, especially if your name is Rich Glanzer.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019m looking to sue!\u00a0 You need to find out who has done this, Hsieh!\u201d he clamors, and wanders off to watch Gabe.<\/p>\n

So, here is where the story begins\u2026\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\n

Where do you go when you have no clue where to start and you\u2019ve been tasked by Rich Glanzer to do something?!\u00a0 The first place you go in Tompkins when you have a tinkling cross your mind is\u2026 The Tompkins Square Bathrooms, dummy.\u00a0 I headed down the path, passed a few homeless people, and walked into a green, smelly bathroom, with a urinal that looked like it has been bagged and broken for about 1 and 1\/4 BTSH seasons.\u00a0<\/p>\n

I found a man in tight, 1980\u2019s sportswear, wearing odd Vegan socks, loitering in the corner, trying to score some Falafel.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019ll do anything fo\u2019 some of dat crushed, fried hummus?!\u201d \u201cAnything<\/em>?!\u201d I said.\u00a0 I knew he was serious; his Vegan socks were a tell all.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019ll give you my leather belt; the veeeegan<\/em> side of me says that I should just throw it away, but the thriiiifty<\/em> side of me says, \u2018chickpeas!\u2019\u201d \u00a0<\/p>\n

\u201cOkay, I\u2019ll score you a falafel ball, but I\u2019m looking for someone\u2026 someone who has wronged a child.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI know who you\u2019re looking for, first and foremost, find the extremely tall, lanky fella, who towers over most, and is the best looking person in the league.\u00a0 Actually\u2014he\u2019s the second best looking person, the first is a captain named Derek. Keep it on the DL, but Derek previously won that title in a game of skeeball at the league bar, ACE.\u201d\u00a0<\/p>\n

It was a good lead, the man looked suspicious right off the bat, almost Russian, but my instincts thought Ukrainian descent.\u00a0 \u201cExcuse me, sir, I need to interrogate you. What is your name?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBen Chadwick, but you can call me Chadtrick, after I score one goal, get one assist, hurt my back, and have Rich yell at me at least 10 times.\u201d\u00a0<\/p>\n

\u201cOkay, Chadtrick, I understand you work in the computer industry in some programmatic capacity, and are seemingly the smartest person in the league.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo, I used to be the smartest person in the league, but one night I got really drunk and met a captain named Derek at ACE bar, who saw how under the influence I was and took advantage of me, stealing that title from me in a game of skeeball at the league bar, ACE.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI see\u2014I guess it could not have been you at all! Damn, well can you please point me to another person?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYeah, get off my back, you need to interrogate a group of brothers, who have gained notoriety by trolling Glanzer, so much so, that he developed Stockholm Syndrome and began to like them.\u00a0 They actually don\u2019t like him, but feel bad for the guy, so, well\u2026 The leader goes by the name of Zach.\u00a0 Despite him holding a hockey stick right now, he\u2019s talking to Rich about a triple A baseball team that plays at Citi Field, makes terrible trades, pays too much for old players, and somehow has continued to exist as a franchise.\u201d<\/p>\n

I approached this brother named Zach–happy to know we had likely found the perpetrator.\u00a0 When I inquired about if he placed the ads, was friends with Rich, or enjoyed PS1 MoMA exhibits, a \u201cfuck-off no\u201d was all I got.<\/p>\n

https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/watch?v=u-3uyRyAYpg<\/a><\/p>\n

The path was now cold.\u00a0 Who else could it have been?\u00a0 They say the criminal always returns to the scene of the crime\u2014could it be Cruff & Bloom, possibly even Bernstein?!\u00a0 Such conviction from both parties on Facebook suggest it.\u00a0 Could it be the newest person to join the league, walking in like he owned the place\u2014and none other than James Stewart?!\u00a0 Or, even Rich\u2019s prom date\u2014did he have one\u2014who else would use such an outdated photo from him in high school to put the ad up?! Was Craig LaCombe Rich\u2019s prom date?\u00a0<\/p>\n

Choose Your Own Adventures<\/span> CLUE, you decide:<\/p>\n

\u00a0A. Was Craig LaCombe Rich\u2019s prom date?
\u00a0B. Is Chadtrick being shady and should be further interrogated?
\u00a0C. Interrogate Jenna Cruff\u2014she was the first to alert the public of this heinous crime
\u00a0D. Question The Authority (Rich, Derek, & Eli)\u2014they can never be ruled out
\u00a0E. Who drank my entire, half-gallon bottle of juice at my new apartment two weekends ago, while I was out of town? Interrogate Suz to find out?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Choose Your Own Adventures CLUE! A note from the author: the following happened, in exact order, to the exact word, in a way I think I remembered how I interpreted it\u2026 –Hsieh The sun was shining, my hockey sticks were in hand, and I was looking forward to the first of many relaxing Sunday summer […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1636,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-10519","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-league-info"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/10519"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1636"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=10519"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/10519\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":10522,"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/10519\/revisions\/10522"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=10519"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=10519"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=10519"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}