{"id":11906,"date":"2016-02-09T15:01:32","date_gmt":"2016-02-09T20:01:32","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.btsh.org\/bruise\/?p=11906"},"modified":"2016-02-09T15:04:08","modified_gmt":"2016-02-09T20:04:08","slug":"youve-got-male","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/youve-got-male\/","title":{"rendered":"You’ve Got Male"},"content":{"rendered":"

I must say, we are tickled pink that the priorities and values of the BTSH Lady are finally taking center stage. Sam was a doll to scratch the surface with this formidable piece of journalism<\/a>, however we wonder (as much as our female minds are able to) if he stopped short of truly showcasing all the dimensions of the modern BTSH woman. We looked to an experienced journalist, Ms. Ophelia Baulls, to dive deeper into these deep dishes. We hope you enjoy the feature.<\/p>\n

<\/em><\/p>\n

“You’ve Got Male”<\/b><\/p>\n

by Ophelia Baulls<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n

Photos by Anita P. Ness<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n

The task of reporting on the diverse ladies of BTSH was daunting, I’ll confess. In the end, though, what a gas it was to spend some time with these dames! They are a shining example of what the modern woman can be and do. I dove right into their bustling lives, and came out inspired, and a bit drunk.<\/span><\/p>\n


Meredith<\/em>
<\/strong><\/strong><\/p>\n

Ophelia<\/span><\/i>: Meredith, what is your primary focus when there are so many responsibilities to juggle?<\/span><\/p>\n

Meredith:<\/i> Well, Ophelia, I\u2019m quite a whiz in the kitchen. Keeping the babies warm and the vodka cold are my top priorities! <\/strong><\/p>\n

\"baby<\/a><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Ophelia:<\/span><\/i> With those priorities, you could easily win Wife of the Year. Any advice for the single ladies out there?<\/span><\/p>\n

Meredith:<\/span><\/i> Hm, my mother always said, \u201cEverything you do, do it well.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\"baby<\/a><\/span><\/i><\/p>\n

Meredith:<\/span><\/i> Whoops! Perhaps a bit too<\/em> well-done!<\/span><\/p>\n

Amy<\/i><\/b>
<\/a><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Ophelia<\/i>: Amy, you manage everything so effortlessly! What\u2019s your secret?<\/p>\n

Amy:<\/span><\/i> I got married!<\/span><\/p>\n

<\/a><\/em><\/a>\"kali<\/a><\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

Ophelia<\/span><\/i>: But HOW do you manage it? It\u2019s as if you have two sets of arms.<\/span><\/p>\n

Amy:<\/span><\/i> MARRIED!<\/span><\/p>\n

Ophelia:<\/span><\/i> So, if getting married is the secret to having it all, what is the secret to <\/span>getting<\/span><\/i> married?<\/span><\/p>\n

Amy: <\/span><\/i>Never let him see you poop.<\/span><\/p>\n

Ophelia:<\/span><\/i> I can\u2019t print that.<\/span><\/p>\n

Amy:<\/span><\/i> Hmmm. I love playing games with the kids? [<\/span>Ophelia nods.]<\/span><\/i> It keeps my body curvy and my smile fresh!<\/span><\/p>\n

<\/a>\"baby<\/a><\/span><\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

Coco<\/i><\/b><\/p>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

Ophelia<\/span><\/i>: Coco, you\u2019re a career gal. In this day and age, how do you spend quality time at home after a long day at the office?<\/span><\/p>\n

Coco<\/span><\/i>: Well, Ophelia, I think you need to involve the children in your favorite activities. I read to the little darlings every night.
<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n


\"coco<\/a><\/i>
<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Ophelia: <\/span><\/i>Well, they certainly seem spellbound. Coco, you have triplets! How ever did you regain your slim physique after such a challenging pregnancy?<\/span><\/p>\n

Coco<\/em>: It was surprisingly easy, Ophelia – I used to be a real meat-and-potatoes kind of girl, but I gave that up for a new regimen of cigarettes and whiskey, and absolutely no water. I was back in my old dresses in two shakes of a lambs tail. I seem to have lost a tooth though. <\/span> <\/p>\n

<\/span>Cathy<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n

Ophelia:<\/span><\/i> Cathy, I was saddened to hear that you recently became a widow. Are you able tell our readers what happened to your husband?<\/span><\/p>\n

Cathy: <\/span><\/i>Thank you, Ophelia. The doctors don\u2019t know quite what happened. \u00a0They think that it was perhaps an allergic reaction or a terrible case of food poisoning.<\/span>
\"yum\"<\/a> <\/i><\/strong>Cathy:<\/span><\/i> I suppose we\u2019ll never know.<\/span><\/p>\n

Ophelia:<\/span><\/i> So tragic. But on the bright side, you wear mourning so well! You\u2019re currently planning a funeral and keeping yourself pretty. So much to do, so little time – how will you ever find a new husband?<\/span><\/p>\n

Cathy<\/span><\/i>: I just don\u2019t know Ophelia! I\u2019m so busy sometimes I don\u2019t know whether to scratch my watch or wind my butt! But I find joy in multi-tasking. Only <\/span>a woman<\/span><\/i> can truly be successful at this approach [she<\/em> <\/span>winks]<\/span><\/i>. Actually, I am preparing for a dinner date right now! Keep your fingers crossed!<\/span><\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

Liza
<\/i><\/b><\/p>\n

Ophelia:<\/span><\/i> Liza you seem very dedicated to a tidy home, and yet you look the perfect picture. Would you say your time management skills are the secret sauce?<\/span><\/p>\n

Liza:<\/i><\/i> Ophelia, you just have to attack it. <\/i>
<\/i><\/b><\/p>\n

<\/span>\"lizavac\"<\/a><\/p>\n

Liza:<\/span><\/i> ATTACK it, and when it\u2019s done\u2026.[<\/span>Liza leans in.]<\/span><\/i> …you let your hair down, put your lipstick on, and – <\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0\"lizaposh\"<\/a>
<\/span><\/p>\n

Ophelia:<\/span><\/i> Let the Calgon take you away?<\/span><\/p>\n

Liza<\/span><\/i> [<\/span>nodding]: <\/span><\/i>It\u2019s like the drapes vacuumed themselves.<\/p>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

Dana<\/p>\n

\"dana\"<\/a> <\/i><\/b><\/p>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

Ophelia:<\/span><\/i> Dana – what a sight you are coming home to your husband! You sure know how to put yourself together. <\/span><\/p>\n

Dana<\/span><\/i>: Thank you, Ophelia. I tell you, the afternoons at the club are a joy unto themselves, but I can\u2019t wait to burst through the door to be a ray of sunshine to my wonderful, hard-working, handsome husband. It\u2019s what the French call \u201cJe ne sais quoi\u201d. <\/span><\/p>\n

Ophelia<\/span><\/i>: Ah! I’m not familiar, what does that translate to?<\/span><\/p>\n

\"dana2\"<\/a>\u00a0
<\/span><\/p>\n

Dana<\/span><\/i>: Well, O-pheeeel-YAH, it translates to \u201cthat no-good, son-a-of-bitch stuffed his paycheck into a hookers g-string one too many times\u201d. That motherf**ker is gonna get the stem of this martini gla- <\/span><\/p>\n

Ophelia<\/span><\/i>: Oh marital turmoil! I..uh..yes we know home life can be quite the roller coaster, don\u2019t we ladies?<\/span><\/p>\n

Dana<\/span><\/i>: You think you\u2019re better than me?<\/p>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

Diana
<\/i><\/b><\/p>\n

Ophelia<\/span><\/i>: With two small children and a home to run, how do you manage keep yourself up for your husband?<\/span><\/p>\n

\"diana\"<\/a><\/p>\n

Diana<\/span><\/i>: Oh don\u2019t be silly, it\u2019s a simple recipe darling. Equal parts waterproof mascara, lipstick, vermouth, a dash of gumption, and a tiny gin-soaked heart. And it doesn\u2019t hurt to have a tit at the ready. <\/span><\/p>\n

Ophelia:<\/span><\/i> How do you greet your husband when he comes through the door?<\/span><\/p>\n

Diana<\/span><\/i>: \u201cPaint me like one of your French girls.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

Rachel<\/i><\/b><\/p>\n

\"rg4\"<\/a><\/p>\n

Rachel burned a bundt cake earlier this year, and is taking some time to retreat and reflect on her commitment to her household. While not immediately available for comment, we are told she is doing well and seeking holistic treatment abroad to cleanse herself of this unfortunate incident.<\/p>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

Betty<\/b><\/em><\/p>\n

Betty once wore pants. Betty never married. \u00a0<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n

\"betty\"<\/a><\/span>
Betty is unavailable for comment.<\/span><\/i> <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I must say, we are tickled pink that the priorities and values of the BTSH Lady are finally taking center stage. Sam was a doll to scratch the surface with this formidable piece of journalism, however we wonder (as much as our female minds are able to) if he stopped short of truly showcasing all […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":6165,"featured_media":11918,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[187,4,1,195],"tags":[252,247,249,254,255,253,251,250,248],"class_list":["post-11906","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-captains","category-general-interest","category-league-info","category-photos","tag-expose","tag-hockey","tag-ladies","tag-martini","tag-meshugganeh","tag-octopus","tag-photojournalism","tag-powerful-women-of-hockey","tag-womens-hockey"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/11906"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/6165"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=11906"}],"version-history":[{"count":9,"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/11906\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":11934,"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/11906\/revisions\/11934"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/11918"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=11906"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=11906"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=11906"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}