{"id":12053,"date":"2016-03-31T09:16:43","date_gmt":"2016-03-31T13:16:43","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.btsh.org\/bruise\/?p=12053"},"modified":"2016-03-31T09:16:43","modified_gmt":"2016-03-31T13:16:43","slug":"a-fans-guide-to-the-newman-division","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/a-fans-guide-to-the-newman-division\/","title":{"rendered":"A Fan’s Guide to the Newman Division"},"content":{"rendered":"
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Not this Newman, but close.<\/p><\/div>Before we go any further…yes, you read that correctly.\u00a0 The higher-ups of BTSH thought it was time for this division to change names, and as a result, the Glanzer Division has been renamed the Newman Division.\u00a0 Now, let’s meet the teams…<\/p>\n

<\/em><\/p>\n

Corlears Hookers<\/h4>\n
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Tiffany is better than you at hockey, but at least, your hands are warm.<\/p><\/div>
2015 Regular Season Record:<\/strong> 8-8-2 (5th place in the Brown Division)
2015 Playoffs:<\/strong> Lost in the round of 16 to LBS, Inc.
2015 Leading Scorer:<\/strong> Danilo Biagioni, 10 goals<\/p>\n

Why You Should Root For Them<\/strong>
The Hookers have caught a lot of flak over the years for being the original super team, but–aside from the usual turnover that all teams experience–they’ve more or less kept the same team together since their inception.\u00a0 They don’t generally lose players to the offseason hot stove, and they don’t really poach players from other teams.\u00a0 They just play great hockey and hang out with each other, so really, what’s wrong with that?<\/p>\n

Also, we’d be remiss if we didn’t point out how much we enjoy Brian Cronauer’s twitter<\/a>, and we’re happy to see him back on the courts after a pretty serious injury.<\/p>\n

Why You Shouldn’t Root For Them<\/strong>
Every now and then they tend to forget this is BTSH and take games just a wee bit too seriously.\u00a0 We’re not in the business of calling people dicks, but…well, sometimes they come awfully close.\u00a0 The thing is, they don’t really need to be.\u00a0 They’re already more talented than 75-80% of the league, so that extra stick check by Jesse or shove by Sarah is superfluous, because they’d probably beat you anyway.<\/p>\n

Predicted Finish:<\/strong> Terrible regular season record, eliminated in the semifinals.<\/p>\n

Fuzz<\/h4>\n
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Photo taken 30 seconds before the team squatting competition.<\/p><\/div>2015 Regular Season Record:<\/strong> N\/A (team didn’t exist)
2015 Playoffs:<\/strong> N\/A
2015 Leading Scorer:<\/strong> Gil Valdes, 25 goals (with Happy Little Elves)<\/p>\n

Why You Should Root For Them<\/strong>
Fuzz will struggle to find a ton of support this season, as a large percentage of the roster is comprised of players who defected from their original BTSH teams during the offseason.\u00a0 It hasn’t been a good look in the past, and it probably won’t be this season.\u00a0 However, even the biggest Fuzz haters should be cheering for future Hall of Famer and 50+ year old, Gil Valdes.\u00a0 Year in and year out, he has danced circles around players half his age to become one of the league’s most dominating forwards.\u00a0 Last season, after numerous appearances in the top 10, he won the league scoring title with 25 goals.<\/p>\n

Why You Shouldn’t Root For Them<\/strong>
Can you imagine how insufferable Glanzer will be if these guys actually win the championship?\u00a0 No one was especially thrilled when Filthier won it last year, but we could all take some comfort in the fact that Denis doesn\u2019t really do the social media thing, and we wouldn\u2019t have to relive the moment all winter. On the contrary, a Fuzz victory means months of non-sensical Facebook posts and trolls about Jeff and Richie\u2019s team of \u201cscrappy underdogs overcoming the odds.\u201d<\/p>\n

Glanzer’s also just the tip of the iceberg, as we think Alexa will be even worse once she’s around long enough to meet everyone in the league.<\/p>\n

Predicted Finish:<\/strong> Disappointed by a playoff loss, elated by a Mets World Series victory.<\/p>\n

Gouging Anklebiters<\/h4>\n
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Bring this back, and we’ll root for you even harder.<\/p><\/div>
2015 Regular Season Record:<\/strong> 10-6-2 (3rd place in the Glanzer Division)
2015 Playoffs:<\/strong> Lost in semifinals to Filthier
2015 Leading Scorer:<\/strong> Ben Probert, 11 goals<\/p>\n

Why You Should Root For Them<\/strong>
If you’re into the “Golden Age” of BTSH, this is probably the team for you.\u00a0 They play hard on the court, and they play even harder at the bar.\u00a0 Captain Phil Donohue remains the chillest captain in the league, and although his team continues to be competitive no matter which team they’re playing, the Biters are the first ones grabbing a beer with their opponents after the game.\u00a0 In addition, Joe P. will probably organize another Crab Fest<\/a> this season, which is reason enough to cheer them on (unless you’re allergic or something, in which case Joe’s a dick).<\/p>\n

Why You Shouldn’t Root For Them<\/strong>
We’d probably be inclined to appreciate their bar presence a little more if they didn’t remind us of it every other day.\u00a0 We’re always glad to see some blue shirts packing in ACE, but sometimes it feels like they want credit for giving us the honor of having a High Life with Peter Prohaska.\u00a0 Oh…and they kind of killed the entire Unicorns franchise when they poached their three best players.<\/p>\n

Predicted Finish:<\/strong> Good enough not to be demoted, not good enough to be promoted.<\/p>\n

Mathematics<\/h4>\n
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Norris Family Reunion 2015<\/p><\/div>
2015 Regular Season Record:<\/strong> 11-6-1 (2nd place in the Glanzer Division)
2015 Playoffs:<\/strong> Lost in quarterfinals to the Rehabs
2015 Leading Scorer:<\/strong> James Stewart, 17 goals<\/p>\n

Why You Should Root For Them<\/strong>
They have the best women in BTSH.\u00a0 Even as the flood of amazing female players continues to pour into the league, the Mathematics continue to stand head and shoulders above all other teams.\u00a0 Everyone already knows Cherie Stewart’s 15 goals shattered whatever previous women’s scoring record existed last season, but Math’s strength is its depth.\u00a0 Roxanne Gaudiel and Stephanie Couzin have anchored the blue line the last two seasons, helping Math to move into the top conference in 2014 and coming within a tie-break of winning the Glanzer Division in 2015.\u00a0 Oh yeah, and this season, they’ve added Stewart’s Riveter teammate Amber Moore.<\/p>\n

Why You Shouldn’t Root For Them<\/strong>
Is there anything worse than a franchise that is best remembered for a single, missed opportunity? Five years from now, there\u2019s a good chance we\u2019ll still be hearing Math whining about the famous disallowed goal in their 2014 semifinal game against the Corlears Hookers. Of course, they’ll conveniently forget to mention they were up 2-1 late in the second half and choked away the tying goal with only 30 seconds left in regulation.\u00a0 They’re like that friend who swears he’d be an amazing, successful attorney if only he’d gotten into law school instead of getting screwed over by the LSATs.<\/p>\n

Predicted Finish:<\/strong> Respectable finish, still pissed at Aaron Friedman<\/a><\/p>\n

Rehabs<\/h4>\n
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Pour one out for Nick.<\/p><\/div>2015 Regular Season Record: <\/strong>12-4-2
2015 Playoffs:<\/strong> <\/strong>Lost in final to Filthier
2015 Leading Scorer:<\/strong><\/strong> Ramy Odeh, 11 goals<\/p>\n

Why You Should Root For Them<\/strong>
$h0wT!me deserves a championship.\u00a0 We’ll let staff writer Rich Glanzer explain:<\/p>\n

There are few players in this league who are more deserving of a BTSH championship than $h0wT!m3. He has been in the league since its inception, and outside of Bob W., and of course Newman, no one can say they’ve done more for the league than he has. Last year, he had his shot, but Filthier was too damn good. So while most of the BTSH Universe would love to see Soko get his 4th, I’ll be rooting for Hector to get ring #1.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Why You Shouldn’t Root For Them<\/strong>
Have they gotten a little too serious for BTSH?\u00a0 Rumor has it the Rehabs hosted some extremely rigorous team tryouts during the offseason, and not everyone from last year’s roster was invited back for this season.\u00a0 In fact, there’s speculation that only two women were invited to play with them this season.\u00a0 From what we understand, Nick Barretta was not invited back to the team either.<\/p>\n

Predicted Finish:<\/strong> $h0wT!m3 retires<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Before we go any further…yes, you read that correctly.\u00a0 The higher-ups of BTSH thought it was time for this division to change names, and as a result, the Glanzer Division has been renamed the Newman Division.\u00a0 Now, let’s meet the teams…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":5,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[256,260],"class_list":["post-12053","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-league-info","tag-2016-season","tag-newman-division"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/12053"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/5"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=12053"}],"version-history":[{"count":13,"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/12053\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":12100,"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/12053\/revisions\/12100"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=12053"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=12053"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=12053"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}