{"id":12597,"date":"2016-05-11T09:34:45","date_gmt":"2016-05-11T13:34:45","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.btsh.org\/bruise\/?p=12597"},"modified":"2016-06-08T15:18:23","modified_gmt":"2016-06-08T19:18:23","slug":"premier-league-of-street-hockey","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/premier-league-of-street-hockey\/","title":{"rendered":"Premier League of Street Hockey"},"content":{"rendered":"

By\u00a0Hornswoggle\u00a0V. to the R.<\/p>\n

<\/em>What is this nonsense?<\/p>\n

<\/em>I know that some of you in this prestigious league get up at the \u201cass crack of dawn\u201d to kit yourself up and watch Premier League games at home or your supporters\u2019 team bar. Others are thinking, \u201cWhat is this \u2018Premier League\u2019 and how come I\u2019ve never heard of it?\u201d It\u2019s a football\u2014that\u2019s right, the proper word, as most Americans use soccer<\/em><\/a>\u2014league based in the United Kingdom, comprised of mostly English teams. It\u2019s called the Premier<\/em> League because it\u2019s the top tier of football in the country, and many superstars have come and gone in this era, which started in 1991.<\/p>\n

How does the Premier League work, you might ask? As the top tiered league in England, there is a huge responsibility of staying in. Take a brief look at the chart below. If a team is in the bottom three by the end of the season, it faces relegation to a lower tier called the Football League Championship. Conversely, if a team finds itself in the top five, it receives a privilege to play in a tournament of elite teams throughout Europe. The top four are placed in the UEFA (European) Champions League (CL) tournament; the fifth-placed squad is placed in the UEFA Europa League tournament, essentially CL\u2019s half-brother.<\/p>\n

With all that explained, I would call BTSH the Premier League of street hockey<\/span><\/em> in New York City, much because of its exclusivity and quality, e.g., \u201cTeams want people who aren\u2019t <\/em>dicks and<\/span> also are pretty good at the sport.\u201d Only a handful of gifted and social folks get plucked out of the free agent scrimmage annually, and everyone knows why as the season rolls along. How did I meet so many awesome people who are most likely professional at work, mostly professional playing here, and approachable at the bar? It\u2019s because of this league; you\u2019ll have no experience like this anywhere else.<\/p>\n

Note that team comparisons are generally arbitrary: I organized this list based on instinct and matching up stuff willy-nilly. Obviously there will be disagreements from the more fervent Premier League fans<\/a>, and I\u2019ll relish it! On with the list, then.<\/p>\n

Rankings are through Week 36 of the 2015-16 Premier League season.<\/em><\/p>\n

<\/a><\/a>\"Premire<\/a>
<\/a>And here are your detailed comparisons:
<\/em>
The Relegation Zone<\/em>
<\/strong>20th<\/sup><\/span><\/strong>: Someone has to be last\u2026and unfortunately Gut Rot<\/span><\/strong> is that team. Much like Gut Rot, Aston Villa<\/strong>\u2019s Villans know who they are in the Premier League, and their motto is, \u201cPrepared\u201d. Anyone who knows Ellery G. is cognizant that he is almost always prepared<\/em> to party, and that\u2019s why his team is much adored. Fortunately, relegation only exists within divisions, so we\u2019ll be seeing Ellery forever.<\/p>\n

\"Lemon-lime<\/a>

Lemon-lime is considered the Raspberry of the Premier League.<\/p><\/div>19th<\/sup><\/span><\/strong>: Norwich City <\/strong>has enjoyed some success in the Premier League, but not so consistently. Like Gut Rot, Mega Touch<\/span><\/strong> has a squad whose members are long standing friends who enjoy the camaraderie and the spirit of BTSH, and aren\u2019t afraid to admit they don\u2019t have a stacked squad. Akin to bright yellow-green uniforms, Mega Touch will be sporting some jorts once a season.<\/p>\n

18th<\/sup><\/span><\/strong>: Sunderland AFC<\/strong> doesn\u2019t have a starting XI that sticks out, and Cobra Kai<\/span><\/strong>\u2019s starting lineup may not look intimidating. But there are players (like Rachel L., the league\u2019s fifth-leading female goal scorer in 2015) who shake things up, just like the former Toronto FC striker and England international, Jermain Defoe. Sunderland has the wherewithal to extricate itself from the drop zone, just as \u201cThe Dojo\u201d can succeed in adversity. Can they do it this season?<\/p>\n

Latter half of safety<\/strong>
<\/em>17th<\/sup><\/span><\/strong>: Rounding off the latter half of the mid-table teams is Newcastle United<\/strong>, which has certainly made a stink in the 15-16 season with constant battles between management and fans. Former manager Pardew\u2019s departure for Crystal Palace has made things difficult, but a Doumbia-Cisse-Shelvey triumvirate can be potent if the chemistry is right. Match that to a rising Poutine Machine<\/span><\/strong> squad, whose first line (Ramos-Sullivan-Provencher) can turn into an effective strikeforce against teams.<\/p>\n

\"Just<\/a>

Just like WTP, Crystal P. has more ladies than any other Premier Club.<\/p><\/div>16th<\/sup><\/span><\/strong>: Crystal Palace<\/strong>\u2019s claim to fame was destroying 13-14 Liverpool\u2019s quest for a first Premiership title by clawing back to tie from a 3-0 deficit late in the season. What the Puck<\/span><\/strong>, in the past, has been known to shatter the dreams of certain teams throughout the years, but now that dream is temporarily deferred as the squad is being meticulously rebuilt for success by captain Emily.<\/p>\n

15th<\/sup><\/span><\/strong>: AFC Bournemouth<\/strong> hasn\u2019t done badly for itself, being the new squad in this year\u2019s top flight, and considering that promotion accompanies money to buy talented players. Bournemouth\u2019s Gradel and Iturbe (former AS Roma winger) are speedy, just like Bill L., who leads the Dark Rainbows\u2019<\/span><\/strong> squad with six goals. If Bill is healthy and the work ethic is high for players like Aaron F. and goalie Kevin L., the Rainbows will be tough competition for anyone.<\/p>\n

14th<\/sup><\/span><\/strong>: West Brom<\/strong> has players the team can count on (Rondon, Berahino, Sessegnon), but producing week in and week out can be a challenge. The Butchers<\/span><\/strong> watched one of their best, Ben B., hop over to Filthier, who would go on to become champions, all in the same season. However, who knows if Rachel G.\u2019s very first goal this season can open up the floodgates for the rest of the team? Let\u2019s hope so.<\/p>\n

13th<\/sup><\/span><\/strong>: Losing Jonjo Shelvey and Wilfried Bony to Newcastle and Manchester City respectively, Swansea<\/strong> still looms as a threat to some teams, but the loss of key players can be bitter pills to swallow at times. The Gremlins<\/span><\/strong> have suffered the departure of one of their prolific scorers, Brian H., who defected to [The] Fuzz, but have wily veteran representation in Mark M. and John W. as leadership.<\/p>\n

\"Karma<\/a>

Karma doesn’t mind being compared to a Club that wears the old franchise colors.<\/p><\/div>12th<\/sup><\/span><\/strong>: Watford<\/strong> has been a breath of fresh air this season: the newly promoted team\u2019s strikeforce of Ighalo, Ibarbo, and helmsman Deeney have ripped it past keepers more than 10 times each. Instant Karma<\/span><\/strong>\u2014under the leadership of Ben \u201cChadtrick\u201d C.\u2014has the potential to shock people. Never mind how the team was made; a younger, faster squad is crucial to rising up the ranks and making a splash.<\/p>\n

The better half of safety<\/strong>
<\/em>11th<\/sup>:<\/span><\/strong> Although Everton<\/strong> lost one of their star players in Scottish international Steven Naismith to Norwich City, they stumbled to an FA Cup semifinal, which they unfortunately lost, to Manchester United. But they seemed to have an image of standing still this season, and the Sky Fighters<\/span><\/strong>, in spite of their current 3-1 record, have lost a significant piece of their identity in now-Californian Dan H. Everton\u2019s Romelu Lukaku is not unlike Roman T. of the Sky Fighters; they\u2019re both tanks. Watch out.<\/p>\n

10th<\/sup>:<\/span><\/strong> The Stoke City Potters<\/strong>\u2014at least when I\u2019ve watched them play my beloved Reds\u2014have predominantly and collectively shown a belligerent kind of swagger in their gameplay<\/a>. Their insistence on being physical knows no bounds, especially with the likes of captain Shawcross, central midfielder Adam, and winger Arnautovic. Nevertheless, these are talented personnel, and I think [The] Fuzz<\/span><\/strong> shapes itself into this mold. Even though perennial goal machine Gil V. shows up consistently, there begs the question of whether the whole [The] Fuzz squad will show up week after week; I get the same impression with Stoke City.<\/p>\n

9th<\/sup>:<\/span><\/strong> Now who loves good ol\u2019 Chelsea<\/strong>? Certainly the Spurs don\u2019t. The way Stamford Bridge\u2019s Blues have carried themselves in the past five years (they have won the Europa League, Champions League<\/a>, FA Cup, and the Premier League), they have shown a considerable amount of class. I would say the same for LBS, Inc.<\/span><\/strong>, who clinched the PBR Cup for the first time in the Tompkins era. Notably, Courtois has kept games interesting for the Chelsea side this season, and in the same way, former commissioner Timmy B. still minds the net with due diligence.<\/p>\n

\"Latest<\/a>

I got nothing, so….. (insert caption here)<\/p><\/div>8th<\/sup>:<\/span><\/strong> Many people would say right now that Liverpool<\/strong>\u2019s going through a rebuilding phase. Seeing Luis Suarez take the money and run<\/em> to Barcelona was devastating for fans<\/a>, and I\u2019m sure for Mathematics<\/span><\/strong>, valedictions for Andy P. back then were emotional. But rebirth exists in consistent attendance (namely, a lot of Norri and a couple of Stewarts, and then throw in Joey B.) that translates into your well-rounded squad. And like Liverpool, they were screwed of a 2014 title.<\/p>\n

7th<\/sup>:<\/span><\/strong> While no well-informed Premier League fan would be surprised that Southampton<\/strong> would be at the top half of the table, I think a lot of people in BTSH should feel the same about the Gouging Anklebiters<\/span><\/strong> making their way as an elite squad. Albeit not quietly\u2014particularly because netminder Craig L. loves ribbing at Fuzz\u2019s Rich G. (for the lack of getting laid, to put it succinctly)\u2014forays into postseason games have become apparent and, in the same vein, seeing Southampton playing in European competition should be a matter of time.<\/p>\n

6th<\/sup>:<\/span><\/strong> West Ham United<\/strong> doesn\u2019t have prolific goal scorers, but those goals have been evident in the race towards gaining the privilege of playing in the Europa League. They have won contests against hot teams, including Manchester City, Tottenham, and Arsenal. The Rehabs<\/span><\/strong> went through a phenomenal playoff run in 2015 by edging Math and handily crushing Sky Fighters, but falling precipitously to Filthier in the championship game. With the knowledge their squad is capable this season (especially by exacting revenge on Filthier on opening day this year), their persistence will make teams topple. And with Eric R. in net, title hopes are possible.<\/p>\n

European dreams<\/strong>
<\/em>5th<\/sup>:<\/span><\/strong> Look at the most despised teams in the Premier League, and first choice for anyone might be Chelsea (associated with bad boy Diego Costa, or \u201cMr. Shag Your Wife\u201d John Terry). But ever since the Premier League era started, Manchester United<\/strong> has won the most titles: 13. Six seasons ago, the Corlears Hookers<\/span><\/strong> faced the ultimate defeat to a team that wore electric lime (we were so \u201cHappy\u201d back then!). But the crew in royal purple won their first championship three years later\u2014to which everyone shrugged their shoulders\u2014and still come back every season winning a lot of their games<\/a>, wanting more. It\u2019s this kind of incessant behavior that makes this team a top five one.<\/p>\n

\"Sounds<\/a>

Ugh, apparently there are other similarities between Vincent K. and our Soko.<\/p><\/div>4th<\/sup>:<\/span><\/strong> Why don\u2019t we match a blue Premier League team with a blue BTSH team? Ideally, Gut Rot would have matched with Manchester City<\/strong>, but the caliber(s) of skill are so far apart, so Fresh Kills<\/span><\/strong> is the better option. City, which has basically won titles every other year under managers Mancini and Pellegrini, parallels Fresh Kills, who have often taken championships or have gone deep into postseason to the point that it\u2019s almost snoozable<\/a>. But throw in a system of high-caliber players who are resistant to change (Vincent Kompany to Dave S., Sergio Aguero to Gabe P., the list goes on), , and it\u2019s not surprising this team is top tiered.<\/p>\n

3rd<\/sup>:<\/span><\/strong> Let\u2019s pick a different color this time\u2026 oh, red! Arsenal<\/strong> is the petulant stepbrother of Chelsea; they\u2019re from different parts of London, and one of them has a superiority complex it can actually carry out (hint: it\u2019s not Arsenal). Some big changes must happen if they want to confidently pound their chests\u2026 like sacking their current manager, Arsene Wenger<\/a>. Another team in red, the Denim Demons<\/span><\/strong>, experienced a huge change of Coach heading to \u201cfuzzier\u201d pastures, and much to Fuzz’s chagrin, it\u2019s brought the Demons success, since they\u2019re currently 3-1 for the season. #COYD, Adam?<\/p>\n

2nd<\/sup>:<\/span><\/strong> Making our way to North London, we\u2019ll find a team whose superstar is pacing in White Hart Lane with \u201cwhat-ifs\u201d speeding through his thoughts. Harry Kane and Tottenham Hotspur<\/strong> were so close, and Leicester was in striking distance! Then Chelsea\u2019s Eden Hazard connected on a half volley<\/a>, and it was all over. The difference between the Spurs and Filthier<\/span><\/strong>, though, is that Filthier showed up for their most important game, but the similarity is that both teams face the same amount of ire and disgust because they\u2019re labeled as \u201csuper\u201d teams (well, maybe not so much for the Spurs). Filthier has kept their roster intact, save for Ben B. and Jenna C., who are pickaxing through the Rockies for some Coors Light. Filthier is the kind of squad that, much like the Spurs, would laugh at anyone\u2019s attempts to score against them. They\u2019re that good.<\/p>\n

And finally\u2026
<\/em><\/strong><\/strong>

\"Just<\/a>

Just like Leicester C., TSR will take those odds too.<\/p><\/div>League winners:<\/span><\/strong> If you read the whole thing, I\u2019m proud of you, and it\u2019s probably because you\u2019ve probably come to the conclusion that I\u2019m \u201cboring af\u201d. But there\u2019s one team in the Premier League left: the winners, Leicester City<\/strong>! Why I would juxtapose this team with the Tompkins Square Riots<\/span><\/strong> is beyond my own comprehension, but as soon as I visualized what 5000 to 1<\/em><\/a> meant, I absolutely had to choose them. In the years I have played the Riots, I\u2019ve hardly heard complaints from players. They work hard, hustle, and throw everything at you. And Laura M.\u2019s passion to urge her team on is just part and parcel of the kind of positivity any passersby, parent, skateboarder, Parks rep, or street beggar would be emotional over. I have no idea what Leicester manager Claudio Ranieri says to his squad during games and practices, but you can bet that it\u2019s all been uplifting this season. Leicester worked hard for the title and had a little luck along the way; I sincerely hope that the Riots can have the same fortune in the seasons to come.<\/p>\n

There\u2019s one particular Riots player I personally want to give a shout out: to the Asian dude who wears glasses, because he hardly shows that he\u2019s tired and gives 100% on every shift. He doesn\u2019t give up on a play and will almost always backcheck the \u201cf\u201d out of anyone. That kid is awesome.<\/p>\n

Cheers to everyone who likes footy already\u2026 and if you currently don\u2019t, well, come on then!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

By\u00a0Hornswoggle\u00a0V. to the R. What is this nonsense? I know that some of you in this prestigious league get up at the \u201cass crack of dawn\u201d to kit yourself up and watch Premier League games at home or your supporters\u2019 team bar. Others are thinking, \u201cWhat is this \u2018Premier League\u2019 and how come I\u2019ve never […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":6355,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[271,270],"class_list":["post-12597","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-league-info","tag-comparing","tag-premier-league"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/12597"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/6355"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=12597"}],"version-history":[{"count":22,"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/12597\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":12877,"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/12597\/revisions\/12877"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=12597"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=12597"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=12597"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}