{"id":12629,"date":"2016-05-12T09:55:36","date_gmt":"2016-05-12T13:55:36","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.btsh.org\/bruise\/?p=12629"},"modified":"2016-05-12T09:55:36","modified_gmt":"2016-05-12T13:55:36","slug":"they-tried-to-make-me-to-go-rehabs-i-said-no-no-no","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/they-tried-to-make-me-to-go-rehabs-i-said-no-no-no\/","title":{"rendered":"THEY TRIED TO MAKE ME TO GO REHABS; I SAID NO, NO, NO"},"content":{"rendered":"

Experienced journalist, Ms. Ophelia Baulls, is back with another expose on the modern BTSH Lady. We hope you enjoy the feature.<\/p>\n

<\/em>By Ophelia Baulls
<\/em>Photos by Fonda Cox<\/p>\n

<\/em>I was in the bathtub with some quaaludes and Epsom salt when the BTSH ladies called in quite the state. It took me a few minutes to wade through the hysteria, but on the other side, I realized that there was yet another deep dive to be done. In the quest for love and intimacy (something every woman needs even more than a bidet), the women realized that they had all been carelessly cast aside. But what\u2019s even more intriguing, they were cast aside by the same philanderer.<\/p>\n

Apparently, there\u2019s the ideal of a perfect woman motivating this guy to churn through ladies faster than my mother through a case of chardonnay \u2013 we\u2019ll call him Johnny Rehab to protect his anonymity. But he reportedly wears only a black shirt, with a red logo, and his standard is almost unachievable. Before I say anymore, I\u2019ll let the story unfold in the words of the victims.<\/p>\n

\"Amber\"<\/a>

Amber<\/p><\/div>\n

Amber Dawn: Oh, h\u2019ok. Yeah. Swipe left now motherfucker? Wish you\u2019d done that 8 months ago inside of swiping straight ahead with your goddamn crayon sized\u2026<\/p>\n

Ophelia: Okay I\u2019m sensing a lot of emotion here, Amber.<\/p>\n

Amber Dawn: AMBER DAWN<\/p>\n

Ophelia: Yes, sorry. You really were taken in by Johnny, it seems. I\u2019m sympathetic to the delicate state you now find yourself in\u2026<\/p>\n

Amber Dawn: I can\u2019t really talk about it yet, I just hope that — when Crystal Jean arrives — she has more sense than her mama.<\/p>\n

Ophelia: We\u2019ll leave it there for now. You\u2019re in our prayers.<\/p>\n

Amber Dawn: Whatever<\/p>\n

\"Channing\"<\/a>

Channing<\/p><\/div>\n

Ophelia: Channing, you come from good stock. I\u2019ll get right to it – how on earth did you fall for this guy?<\/p>\n

Channing: Life was a bowl of cherries, Ophelia, until Johnny tarnished my sterling silver world. \u00a0He was so perfect I thought he would blend right into the family mural. I led a blue ribbon existence, I\u2019m a pedigree, no one has ever turned down this bloodline. I had my breasts INSURED for fuck\u2019s sake. My shoes cost more than your parents\u2019 house. I DECIDE. I swipe left on YOU motherfucker, you piece of\u2026piece of…<\/p>\n

Ophelia: Channing? Channing?! Someone call a medic she\u2019s out.<\/p>\n

\"Sloane\"<\/a>

Sloane<\/p><\/div>\n

Ophelia: Sloane, tell m….<\/p>\n

Sloane: YOU think I had fucking time for this? I\u2019M ON TOKYO TIME. I run shit. I finish things. I got the check. My bras close in the front because that\u2019s 10 more seconds of my life I don\u2019t have to spend waiting for a man to figure shit out. Do you understand me? He will never work in this town again. \u00a0Oh, his shit got audited? That\u2019s weird. Gomen nasai.<\/p>\n

Ophelia: You were upset, it\u2019s okay to feel…well, alright, Sloane apparently needed to head out and has exited through the ground floor window. It was closed. She seems ok from what I can tell.<\/p>\n

Sloane: [distant shout] FINE.<\/em>..just scratches. Not a bleeder.<\/p>\n

<\/em><\/p>\n

\"Rayanne\"<\/a>

Rayanne<\/p><\/div>\n

Rayanne: I can be kind of a bad bitch. I know that. I get straight to the point, and I take my shot. He didn\u2019t leave me, I left him, but I had no choice.<\/p>\n

Ophelia: Do I detect a bit of hurt under that steely facade, Rayanne? You know, Deepak Chopra says your weaknesses can end up being strengths if you embrace them.<\/p>\n

\u2026.<\/p>\n

Ophelia: …Rayanne can you hear me?<\/p>\n

Rayanne: Mmmm yes, sorry, I fell asleep with my eyes open. The lithium does that to me sometimes.<\/p>\n

\"Cindi\"<\/a>

Cindi<\/p><\/div>\n

Ophelia: Cindi, I\u2019m not going to mince words. This isn\u2019t the easiest set of interviews I\u2019ve conducted. Please just go ahead and tell me your story, and try to stay calm.<\/p>\n

Cindi: I thought God was my co-pilot and had led me to my perfect Tinder match. But when we got together, he – Johnny – kept asking how I felt about full body contact, and driving into the crease. He asked if he could pass behind the net, and that\u2019s when I started to seem like this relationship was going to be a \u201cgive and go.\u201d I guess…I guess it all just started to feel like the first half of Dateline. Lately, I\u2019ve been home with a lot of Haagen-Daaz, Joel Osteen, and this neck massager my sister loves…<\/p>\n

Ophelia: That will do.<\/p>\n

\"Unidentified\"<\/a>

Unidentified<\/p><\/div>\n

Ophelia: Ma\u2019am, I didn\u2019t catch your name?<\/p>\n

Unidentified match: Wait he SUPERLIKED ME???? Yeahhhhhh. FUCK yeah.<\/p>\n

\"Lulu\"<\/a>

Lulu<\/p><\/div>\n

Ophelia: Hey there Lul\u2026<\/p>\n

Lulu: SO we went out to dinner and he didn\u2019t want to order dessert first and I was like THAT WAS WEIRD and then we came up to my apartment and he refused to let me be the gumdrop princess in Candy Land and I was like WHAT THE FUDGE and then he asked me about my stickhandling and I was like IS THAT PART OF THE CANDY CANE FOREST but really I started to think maybe my sugarplum was just a sour grape and he can just go pound sand while I\u2026<\/p>\n

Ophelia: Okay, okay I think I have enough information here, and I\u2019m overdue for a colonic and a percocet. I think we can wrap this up with consensus that this Johnny fella is bad news. If it\u2019s any comfort, I heard a rumor that he has run out of matches and was struggling for a date a few weekends ago. Lulu, thank you for your time. \u00a0<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Experienced journalist, Ms. Ophelia Baulls, is back with another expose on the modern BTSH Lady. We hope you enjoy the feature. By Ophelia BaullsPhotos by Fonda Cox I was in the bathtub with some quaaludes and Epsom salt when the BTSH ladies called in quite the state. It took me a few minutes to wade […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":6355,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[187,4,1,195],"tags":[252,247,249,253,250,248],"class_list":["post-12629","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-captains","category-general-interest","category-league-info","category-photos","tag-expose","tag-hockey","tag-ladies","tag-octopus","tag-powerful-women-of-hockey","tag-womens-hockey"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/12629"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/6355"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=12629"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/12629\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":12640,"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/12629\/revisions\/12640"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=12629"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=12629"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=12629"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}