{"id":13900,"date":"2016-10-04T09:26:14","date_gmt":"2016-10-04T13:26:14","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.btsh.org\/bruise\/?p=13900"},"modified":"2016-10-04T09:28:30","modified_gmt":"2016-10-04T13:28:30","slug":"three-stars-of-the-round-of-16","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/three-stars-of-the-round-of-16\/","title":{"rendered":"Three Stars of the Round of 16 Playoffs"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"3stars\"<\/a><\/p>\n

THIRD STAR<\/strong>
\nYuriy Turetskiy from Mega Touch<\/strong>
\nby Rachel G<\/em><\/p>\n

\"yuriy-t\"<\/a><\/p>\n

Yes…that’s how you spell his name. I think. But I am pretty sure he left Facebook, so who is left to correct me? I digress (too much time with Glanzer?). Did anyone watch the Mega Touch vs Anklebiters game? I mean, all of BTSH wanted to watch this game. But Yuriy was an (probably not entirely) unsung hero. He decided to save all his 2016 goals for the playoffs. We all tip our hats to Mega, but let’s buy this man a beer. Also, he would be really helpful playing against the Fresh Kills, since he’s cracked the code…Petitska.<\/p>\n

SECOND STAR<\/strong>
\nThe Almost Upsets<\/strong>
\nby Sam<\/em><\/p>\n

Well, playoffs v1.5 came and went yesterday, leaving the majority of teams predicted to win having won.\u00a0 Assholes.<\/p>\n

However, despite a bunch of assholes playing and winning, there were some phenom plays across two games that almost gave the BTSH Universe some more underdog mythology.\u00a0 But all for not, they came up short.\u00a0 Here is their story:<\/p>\n

Mega Touch vs. the Gouging Anklebiters (A first person account from referee, Josh Wilson, with editor’s notes enclosed)<\/strong><\/p>\n

\"almost-mega\"<\/a><\/p>\n

“I reffed Mega\/GA. It was a very even and clean game. Both teams played great team games. Also want to give a shout out\/[Handjob]\/thanks to the Anklebiters for buying our team a round.<\/p>\n[The shitbag] Gouging Anklebiters hit a crossbar in the opening seconds [because they really, really suck] and Caroline [unfortunately] scored a minute later. Yuriy scored the next 2 goals [and Julie tells me they were both beauties]. Worky tied it with about 4 minutes left.<\/p>\n

Ben hit a crossbar with a few minutes left and Julie had 2 whacks out front at the buzzer, [but Craig gobbled the hell out of those balls].<\/p>\n

Chuck scored on the shootout. The Mega girl totally faked Craig out but missed the empty net [I mean, come on, Cheeky!] and Alex scored. [Regardless, Mega is still sexy as he-ell!]”<\/p>\n

Hats off to Mega Touch this year–their best season in their history.\u00a0 Cheers.<\/p>\n

Dark Rainbows vs. Filthier<\/strong><\/p>\n

The Dark Rainbows are known for three things: free shoes, a guy that looks like Jaromir Jagr, and always having the potential to upset the hell out of a team.\u00a0 While I wore the first part yesterday, I also got to witness the legend of the two latter parts.<\/p>\n

\"dark-jagrs\"<\/a><\/p>\n

After the half, the Rainbows were up 1-0.\u00a0 A BTSH heckle wall had formed, about to potentially witness the 2015 BTSH Champions be unseated in the first round of playoffs.\u00a0 An upset this big hadn’t happened in awhile, except an hour prior when WTP beat The Fuzz in a forfeit due to continued full line changes on water breaks.\u00a0 But nobody cares about The Fuzz, or even if the “t” in “the” is capitalized.\u00a0 Is their name just “Fuzz” or “The Fuzz”?\u00a0 Either way, the Rainbows kept their pressure on the next 12 minutes, having many scoring opportunities, when league asshole and ugliest person alive, Dennis “Please Call Me Denny” scored the game tying goal.\u00a0 Then, moments later, the heckle wall started to cheer, as “Free Shoes” Bill broke loose and had a breakaway.\u00a0 Unfortunately, he didn’t score and the league leading face and chief philanthropist, Jeff Kamen, scored with 11 seconds to go on a screen of 3 players.<\/p>\n

FIRST STAR<\/strong>
\nLongwell from Dark Rainbows<\/strong>
\nby Byron Clavicle<\/em><\/p>\n

The BTSH sweet sixteen playoff day is traditionally a bloodbath, as the top seeds sharpen their proverbial skates on the bones of the lower-ranked. Those upper echelon teams are the ones you only cheer for if you’re on them– oh sure, they’re swell people with skills that are really super, but on the morning of game day you still hope someone’s cut the brake-line on their team bus. But, eh, they usually advance, in what we may as well just call Hockey Massacre Day. This particular one, October 2nd, is also the day Ivan the Terrible razed Kazan in 1552, and worse yet, Phil Kessel’s birthday.<\/p>\n

So, this week was no different. One-by-one, the lower seeds fell. The LBS exorcised the reformed Denim Demons; What The Puck got stopped, frisked, and busted by Fuzz; the Gremlins OD’d on the Rehabs’ methadone; Cobra Kai got filleted and gutted by the Butchers; and Instant Karma was reincarnated as a small flightless bird by the Fresh Kills. The best thing that can be said for those teams winning is that, if any of them advance to the finals, the Heckle Wall will once again be the star of the day.<\/p>\n

\"longwell-and-bill\"<\/a><\/p>\n

But a strange thing happened around 4 o’clock that gave hope to the afternoon’s disemboweled prey. The Dark Rainbows took an early 1-0 lead in their game against our league’s Filthiest, and held it against a barrage of wicked shots, frustrating the best team money could buy for the better part of an hour. The defense deserves plenty of credit, sure, and the Rainbows offense was valiant. But the action was mostly on their defensive side, and the true highlights were the goalie’s. He shrugged off cannonades from all directions, points, slot, wings, and probably even a few shots from the opposing goalie. Not your garden-variety limp lobs on net, either, but fully operational Death Star laser beams. The Rainbows held strong. It was one of the most stunning displays of goal-line determination this reporter has seen in 9 years of BTSH. Finally, with only a few minutes left, Filthier got a fluky-looking thing past him. Resignation filled the air. A few minutes later, eleven seconds before it would’ve gone to overtime, Filthier struck the knockout blow. At that moment, to quote John Walker, “the league’s collective heart broke.” And the day was done.<\/p>\n

So the vanquished are home at last with their families, dreaming of what might have been on the digital ice of NHL 2K17, or maybe they’re still sucking on a bottle of Thunderbird in the the Tompkins Square restrooms. I don’t know. But I do know that no one among us would have traded places with Filthier for those first 45 minutes, pounding helplessly at the brick wall the Rainbows had minding their net.<\/p>\n

His name is Kevin Longwell and he is this week’s first star.<\/p>\n

Honorable Mentions:<\/strong><\/p>\n

An Ice Cold Can of Beer\u00a0<\/strong>by Perras<\/em>, not only good for celebrating victories or washing away defeat, it can also be used as an ice pack. \u00a0So says Derho’s right eye.<\/p>\n

Carlton from the Rehabs<\/strong> by Mia<\/em>, Blonde Patrick Swayze\u00a0cut open his knuckles during a fall against The Gremlins. But he continued to rage, scoring a sick goal as blood gushed down his hand and legs. \u00a0It was\u00a0a messy job bandaging him up\u2014it took a lot of gauze to stop the bleeding and clean the wound (all those droplets on the ground came from him). Frankly, his DNA was all over my hands… I’m hoping some of his skills rubbed off on me.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

THIRD STAR Yuriy Turetskiy from Mega Touch by Rachel G Yes…that’s how you spell his name. I think. But I am pretty sure he left Facebook, so who is left to correct me? I digress (too much time with Glanzer?). Did anyone watch the Mega Touch vs Anklebiters game? I mean, all of BTSH wanted […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":6355,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[236,315],"class_list":["post-13900","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-league-info","tag-playoffs","tag-three-stars"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/13900"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/6355"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=13900"}],"version-history":[{"count":13,"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/13900\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":13921,"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/13900\/revisions\/13921"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=13900"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=13900"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=13900"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}