{"id":1447,"date":"2009-06-30T22:38:10","date_gmt":"2009-07-01T03:38:10","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.btsh.org\/bruise\/?p=1447"},"modified":"2009-07-01T10:53:08","modified_gmt":"2009-07-01T15:53:08","slug":"week-12-news-and-notes-2","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/week-12-news-and-notes-2\/","title":{"rendered":"Week 12 News and Notes"},"content":{"rendered":"

Halfway Home<\/h4>\n

<\/object><\/p>\n

With the season at the halfway point, we in the media have written about many storylines in the past 12 weeks.\u00a0 Here is a closer look at our five favorites<\/em>:<\/p>\n

5. Corlears Hookers Promotional Days<\/strong>
\nAfter two seasons of sagging attendance among both fans and his players, Corlears Hookers captain Peter “Purple Rain” Putka knew he had to do something to increase turnout.\u00a0 Therefore, he devised an aggressive promotional schedule for the 2009 season.\u00a0 The giveaways kicked off\u00a0in week 6 with the extremely popular\u00a0Jason Eitel pog<\/a>.\u00a0 In the following weeks, promotional items included a Reilly “Fake Dutch” Olson lunchbox and an\u00a0Albert “Al” Huang trapper keeper.\u00a0 While the future promotional schedule hasn’t been fully released, the media have received word of a Jock Paul cowboy hat, a Noelle Safar beach towel, and a Peter “Purple Rain” Putka instructionl video on juggling (seen above).<\/p>\n

4. Tuques Hockey<\/strong>
\nWhen Tuques public relations director Lisa Harrington read that the media compared her team to celery, she knew it was time for some drastic damage control.\u00a0 After several instructional seminars on charisma, Tuques Hockey is more than just a simple marketing slogan…it’s a state of mind.\u00a0 Goaltender Minkus has already created what will be the first of many Tuques Hockey vignettes<\/a>.\u00a0 In addition, team superstar The Peter Wilson has promised to be more visible for his team and\u00a0has issued the following statement:\u00a0 “Listen up, BTSH!\u00a0 There’s something I’ve been meaning to get off my chest for a while now.\u00a0 It’s not ‘Peter Wilson’.\u00a0 It’s ‘The<\/em> Peter Wilson’.\u00a0 Get it right!”<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

3. Jeremy “The Foot” Schumacher<\/strong>
\nWhat began as a fairly innocent and somewhat innocuous nickname for Jeremy Schumacher\u00a0has blossomed\u00a0into so much more.\u00a0 Although calling “Foot Mania” the next “Dutch Fever” could be overstating Schuie’s current popularity, BTSH’s beloved head of discipline is making a strong run to be 2009’s next big thing.\u00a0 Of course, this does not mean that “The Foot” has given any slack to the league’s rule breakers.\u00a0 Quite the contrary, behind the power of his new nickname, it seems he is putting his foot down<\/a> more than ever before.<\/p>\n

2. Happy Little Elves vs. BTSH Media<\/strong>
\nThe Happy Little Elves<\/a> have been the butt of the media’s jokes since their creation…and with good cause.\u00a0 Their poor 2008 record combined with their electric lime jerseys and less-than-threatening team name have made them an easy target.\u00a0 The Elves, however, did not take these attacks lying down.\u00a0 Led by captain Ben Chadwick and Rich Glanzer, the\u00a0team has seized control of the comments sections of nearly every post on btsh.org, filling\u00a0them with mind-numbing gibberish and viscous prose.\u00a0 Amazingly, Glanzer even stumbled his way into getting his own guest column, an honor normally reserved for Denim Demons.\u00a0 Of course,\u00a0Glanzer was only able to post comments after the media reminded him that\u00a0his\u00a0(Rich’s) login for hockey is HockeyRich, which he somehow\u00a0forgot.<\/p>\n

1. Larry’s Dream Team<\/strong>
\nDistraught by What The Puck’s early post-season exit in 2008, captain Larry “Mad Dog” Zimmer vowed that nothing short of a championship would be acceptable in 2009.\u00a0 After a winter of intensive scouting, Mad Dog secured the services of three of the league’s top players in\u00a0Adriano “Muscles Marinara” Bratta, Salvatore Malguarnera, Jr., and Hannah Stark.\u00a0 However, never satisfied, Mad Dog has continued his quest to recruit the league’s impact\u00a0players.\u00a0 In another example of fabulous investigative journalism, the media were fortunate enough to\u00a0procure this list<\/a> of some of his targets.\u00a0 Stunningly, despite Zimmer’s commitment to perfection, team cancer Ant “Father Time” Ventolieri remains on the squad.<\/p>\n

Only A Barnacle Bowl Victory Could Top This<\/strong><\/p>\n

\"Rich's<\/a><\/p>\n

After months of buildup, Sunday marked the culmination of one of the most vicious feuds BTSH has ever seen.\u00a0 Since their inception, the Happy Little Elves have\u00a0endured numerous jabs and insults at the hands of the usually well-mannered media.\u00a0 Thus, with the Elves facing the media’s Mathematics this past weekend, tension was in the air.\u00a0 In addition, Elves spiritual leader Rich Glanzer and media member\/Mathematics captain Derek Tagliarino\u00a0upped the stakes by betting their championship belts on the outcome of the game.<\/p>\n

With the sun blazing down on Tompkins East, the Elves jumped to a 2-0 lead midway through the first half.\u00a0 Although Math responded with a goal of its own, two more Elf goals late in the first sealed the deal, as the Elves eventually won 6-3.\u00a0 As a result, a packed East Village Tavern saw Tagliarino relinquish his prized belt to Glanzer that evening, unifying the two championships.\u00a0 Kudos to Glanzer and the rest of the Elves, who played a terrific game and stayed classy in victory.<\/p>\n

Know Your Neighbor<\/strong><\/p>\n

\"heidi\"<\/a><\/p>\n

Name:<\/strong> Heidi Karst
\n<\/span><\/a>Team:<\/strong> Fresh Kills
\nNickname: <\/strong>The Maple Leaf Muscle
\nRejected Nicknames: <\/strong>The Pine Cone Muscle, Ligament, Tiny, Canadian Strongwoman
\nOrigin:<\/strong> Toronto, Ontario, Canada
\nCollege:<\/strong> McGill University
\nEarly Aspirations:<\/strong> To get an A on her fifth grade province report on Saskatchewan
\nFirst\u00a0Job: <\/strong>Curator at the Hockey Hall of Fame<\/a>
\nCurrent Job: <\/strong>Communications Associate at Rockefeller Brothers Fund
\nHero: <\/strong>Warren Buffett
\nReason to Love Her: <\/strong>She wards off bullies.
\nReason to Hate Her: <\/strong>She could end your career if you make her angry.
\nFast Fact:<\/strong> After Heidi and\u00a0her captain Kevin “The Planet” Foster both requested 88 as their jersey number, she won the right to wear it by defeating him in a game of mercy.
\nFavourite Things: <\/strong>Litres, the environment, Toronto Blue Jays, maple syrup
\nFavourite Monarch:<\/strong> Mary of Teck<\/a>
\nLeast Favourite Things:<\/strong> Gallons, Quebecois, pollution, Bryan Adams
\nBest Known For: <\/strong>Having an extremely short temper
\nHockey Comparison: <\/strong>Donald Brashear
\n<\/span>Non-Hockey Comparison:<\/strong> Ike Broflovski<\/a>
\n<\/span>Things the Media Will Continue to Overhype about Her:<\/strong> She is the team enforcer for Fresh Kills.
\nDown the Road:<\/strong> In an effort to boost Fresh Kills’ public image, Heidi buys several ad\u00a0spots during an NBC telecast of Sunday Night Football between the New York Jets and Oakland Raiders.\u00a0 With the Jets leading 32-29 and 65 seconds remaining in regulation, NBC cuts to one of Heidi’s commercials, causing fans to miss the\u00a0end of the game.\u00a0 While viewers are shown closeups of\u00a0 Shane-O DeBlasio and Scott Townsend, the Raiders stage a comeback and win the game 43-32.\u00a0 As a result, the ads only serve to damage Fresh Kills’ perception.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Halfway Home With the season at the halfway point, we in the media have written about many storylines in the past 12 weeks.\u00a0 Here is a closer look at our five favorites: 5. Corlears Hookers Promotional Days After two seasons of sagging attendance among both fans and his players, Corlears Hookers captain Peter “Purple Rain” […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":5,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[23],"tags":[123,27,30,42],"class_list":["post-1447","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-league-notes","tag-2009-season","tag-fresh-kills","tag-happy-little-elves","tag-news-and-notes"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1447"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/5"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1447"}],"version-history":[{"count":9,"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1447\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1492,"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1447\/revisions\/1492"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1447"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1447"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1447"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}