{"id":15737,"date":"2017-10-05T08:40:36","date_gmt":"2017-10-05T12:40:36","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.btsh.org\/bruise\/?p=15737"},"modified":"2017-10-05T08:40:36","modified_gmt":"2017-10-05T12:40:36","slug":"sweet-16-playoff-previews-part-1","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/sweet-16-playoff-previews-part-1\/","title":{"rendered":"Sweet 16 Playoff Previews &#8211; Part 1"},"content":{"rendered":"<p><strong>18.\u00a0Tompkins Square Riots at 1. Fresh Kills<\/strong><br \/>\n<em style=\"line-height: inherit;\">by Fawn de Coques and Lord Bungalow Huggington-Cementmixer<\/em><\/p>\n<div id=\"attachment_15745\" style=\"width: 510px\" class=\"wp-caption aligncenter\"><a href=\"https:\/\/www.btsh.org\/bruise\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/10\/FB_IMG_15071671627292.jpg\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" aria-describedby=\"caption-attachment-15745\" class=\"wp-image-15745\" src=\"https:\/\/www.btsh.org\/bruise\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/10\/FB_IMG_15071671627292.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"444\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/10\/FB_IMG_15071671627292.jpg 757w, https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/10\/FB_IMG_15071671627292-300x266.jpg 300w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 500px) 100vw, 500px\" \/><\/a><p id=\"caption-attachment-15745\" class=\"wp-caption-text\">Good luck Max and Riots!<\/p><\/div>\n<p>Dear Max,<\/p>\n<p>In response to your question posted on Facebook, \u201cWhat are the keys to beating Fresh Kills?\u201d, from our years of experience, we straight don\u2019t know. But if we were to hazard a guess, it would be the following:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>Cripple\u00a0Gabe the night before the game, Tonya Harding style. Rumor has it he hurt his arm rollerblading\u2026 maybe you can use that, wink wink.<\/li>\n<li>Send\u00a0cryptic text messages in Russian to Dave and Ariel, hoping they get arrested by the Department of Homeland Security (although this could backfire and result in Trump winning a second term).<\/li>\n<li>Tell\u00a0Sheena there is a hawk eating a bird somewhere near by. She\u2019ll be entranced for hours. Unfortunately you will also lose Suz this way.<\/li>\n<li>Hire\u00a0James &#8216;the Gentleman&#8217; Pereira to kick Barch in the head during a shootout (ideally before the game).<\/li>\n<li>Have\u00a0Joe do that thing where he is super fast and good at hockey.<\/li>\n<li>We&#8217;d\u00a0recommend that you, Max, try to score some goals.<\/li>\n<li>Use\u00a0Dr. Jones\u2019s Foucauldian powers of deconstruction to substantiate a belief among the referees that goal-scoring is antithetical to victory and hope that they award the win to the team with fewer goals.<\/li>\n<li>Dave\u00a0GdR. Period.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>Good luck!<\/p>\n<p>Sincerely,<br \/>\nAnn Slanders<\/p>\n<p>P.S. Fresh Kills, kindly ignore the above and try to lose.<\/p>\n<p><em>Prediction<\/em>:\u00a0Fresh Kills 9, Tompkins Square Riots 0. Sorry. We wish we didn\u2019t think this.<\/p>\n<p><strong>17. Denim Demons at 2. Rehabs<\/strong><br \/>\n<em>by Isaac<\/em><\/p>\n<p>The Rehabs begin their quest for the PBR Cup in same place as last season, but this year\u2019s journey was quite different. After ascending to the premier division many predicted that they would struggle to pick up points and avoid regulation. However, they quieted their critics by acquiring top shelf offensive talent and finding creative ways to win games. It is difficult now not to predict good fortune for them and that they\u2019ll find themselves defending their crown in the Finals.<\/p>\n<p>The Demons on the other hand found themselves in an unfamiliar position at the end of a season they\u2019d surely like to forget. Used to high playoff seeds, rubbing elbows with the class of LBS or Fresh Kills and kicking someone when they are down, my how the tables have turned. But if this past Sunday taught us anything about today\u2019s Demons, they seem to have figured out that it isn\u2019t how you start, but how you finish.<\/p>\n<p><em>Prediction:<\/em> The game stays tight throughout the first half, but eventually the wheels explode of the Demons and Rehabs bowl their way to a 4-1 victory.<\/p>\n<p><strong>14. Gouging Anklebiters at Corlears Hookers<\/strong><br \/>\n<em>by Arya Stark<\/em><\/p>\n<p><b>In this corner:\u00a0<\/b>The\u00a0Gouging Anklebiters, an underrated 14 seed with a 7-8-3 overall record and -15 goal differential.<\/p>\n<p><b>The road so far:<\/b>\u00a0The Biters have been impossible to predict all year.\u00a0 They opened the season with three losses, two of which came in overtime (still losses).\u00a0 Then they reeled off three impressive wins over LBS, Butchers and Cobra Kai, briefly looking like one of the best teams in the league.\u00a0 This was followed by a two month, seven game losing streak which had them briefly facing relegation.\u00a0 They rebounded down the stretch to finish 4-1 in their last five, with the only loss coming to the defending champion Rehabs.<\/p>\n<p><b>The history books:<\/b>\u00a0The Anklebiters finished 9th last season and were eliminated in the quarterfinals by the eventual champion Rehabs.<\/p>\n<p><b>Injury report:\u00a0<\/b>None that I know of except all their livers are fucked.<\/p>\n<p><b>One player to watch:\u00a0<\/b>Probie will need to carry the mail on offense but the most important matchup is between the pipes.\u00a0 Two of the league&#8217;s best will face off as Timmy will have to keep pace with Longwell every step of the way to keep the Biters in a game where they may struggle to hold possession.<\/p>\n<p><b>Key number: 7 &#8211;\u00a0<\/b>The number of people (out of 28) who chose the 14th seeded Biters to win this game in the Playoff Pick&#8217;Em.\u00a0 Surprisingly, this was more people than chose the 6th seeded Gremlins or 7th seeded Poutine to advance in their respective match ups.<\/p>\n<p><b>Dominant narrative:\u00a0<\/b>Probie is out for blood and ready to go into beast mode in this game.\u00a0 Sources report that he&#8217;s been drinking plenty of fluids, watching game film and seeing Lance Armstrong&#8217;s doctor in preparation for this game.\u00a0 Will his best efforts be enough against a stingy defense and elite goaltender?<\/p>\n<p><b>The big question:<\/b>\u00a0Can the Biters&#8217; speed overcome the Hookers&#8217; depth?\u00a0 And what percentage of this team will be sober for puck drop?<\/p>\n<p><b>Bandwagon-ability:\u00a0<\/b>High.\u00a0 A low seed with alcoholic tendencies playing against a division winner led by a\u00a0<a href=\"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/photo.php?fbid=10152687660757325&amp;set=t.723197324&amp;type=3&amp;theater\">Disney villain. <\/a><\/p>\n<p><b>One good reason not to root for them:\u00a0<\/b>You wagered a large sum of money on the Hookers.<\/p>\n<div id=\"attachment_12391\" style=\"width: 510px\" class=\"wp-caption aligncenter\"><a href=\"https:\/\/www.btsh.org\/bruise\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/04\/image21.jpg\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" aria-describedby=\"caption-attachment-12391\" class=\"wp-image-12391\" src=\"https:\/\/www.btsh.org\/bruise\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/04\/image21.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"375\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/04\/image21.jpg 2049w, https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/04\/image21-300x225.jpg 300w, https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/04\/image21-1024x768.jpg 1024w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 500px) 100vw, 500px\" \/><\/a><p id=\"caption-attachment-12391\" class=\"wp-caption-text\">Bloody Marys all around.<\/p><\/div>\n<p><b>And In this corner:<\/b>\u00a0The Corlears Hookers who finished third overall on the strength of a 13-4-1 record and +30 goal differential.<\/p>\n<p><b>The road so far:<\/b>\u00a0The Hookers rebounded from last years disappointing season and then some, finishing 3rd in goals for and 4th in goals against.\u00a0 Their only losses on the year were to other top six seeds: Fresh Kills, Rehabs, Cobra Kai and Gremlins (twice).<\/p>\n<p><b>The history books:<\/b>\u00a0The Hookers have had a rough couple of years but rebuilt their squad on the back of tight defense and the world famous Cro daddy poaching tour (note that this does not mean he&#8217;s poaching fathers).\u00a0 They have historically been a elite franchise and will move up to D2 next season by virtue of winning their division.<\/p>\n<p><b>Injury report:\u00a0<\/b>As their team name suggests, the Hookers are relatively healthy except for a few random cases of VD.<\/p>\n<p><b>One player to watch:\u00a0<\/b>Other players may get the glory but in the playoffs, a shutdown defender is worth his weight in gold.\u00a0 Danilo will be tasked with keeping Probie in check Sunday and will continue to match up with each team&#8217;s top threats throughout the playoffs should his team advance.<\/p>\n<p><b>Key number: 3 &#8211;\u00a0<\/b>The Hookers were 12-0 in games where they put up three or more goals.\u00a0 Their only win putting up less than three was the season finale division clincher against Cobra Kai.<\/p>\n<p><b>Dominant narrative:\u00a0<\/b>The new-look Hookers trying to regain their past glory after last season&#8217;s disappointing 18th place finish.<\/p>\n<p><b>The big question:<\/b>\u00a0Can this team, significantly turned over since last year and plagued by attendance issues during the season, come together in time for a deep playoff run?\u00a0 And will Noelle get thrown out of this game?<\/p>\n<p><b>Bandwagon-ability:\u00a0<\/b>Incredibly low.<\/p>\n<p><b>One good reason not to root for them:\u00a0<\/b>If the Hookers win the championship\u00a0Cro will never let any of us hear the end of it.<\/p>\n<p><i>Prediction:\u00a0<\/i>The Biters are way better than a 14 seed would indicate and won&#8217;t be afraid to mix it up and trade chances.\u00a0 Probie&#8217;s a very tough one-on-one matchup and the Biters did go 4-1 down the stretch.\u00a0 But the Hookers have been playing at an elite level for the entire season and proved their mettle in a 1-0 battle for the division with Cobra Kai on the season&#8217;s final day.\u00a0 In a hard fought game, the Hookers move on 4-3.<\/p>\n<p><strong>12. Mathematics at 5. Cobra Kai<\/strong><br \/>\n<em>by Fawn de Coques and Lord Bungalow Huggington-Cementmixer<\/em><\/p>\n<p><b id=\"yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1507167375355_3007\">Keys to the game for Cobra Kai:\u00a0<\/b><\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>Justin\u00a0might say he\u2019s in, and not show up\u2026 but that won\u2019t really impact the game.<\/li>\n<li>James\u00a0is Scottish (and he wears these adorable European short-shorts). Distract him by fondling your bagpipes on the sidelines.<\/li>\n<li>Dave,\u00a0the Maths goalie, is a prison psychologist. If we\u2019ve learned anything from watching the USA Network, that means he\u2019s crazy. Use that to your advantage by demonstrating your mental illness when you have a breakaway.<\/li>\n<li>Greg\u00a0Altman has been selflessly raising money for earthquake relief in Mexico. Is someone from Math raising money for Puerto Rico? Why not? Your team has the moral high ground, earthquakes notwithstanding.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p><b id=\"yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1507167375355_3188\">Keys to the game for Mathematics:<\/b><\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>From\u00a0what we know from our Instagram feed(s), Sebastian and Pete are currently jetsetting with their significant others. Will they be back in time? Does it matter?<\/li>\n<li>Liam\u00a0doesn\u2019t like losing. Use that to your advantage by winning!<\/li>\n<li>Sarah H is Prom Queen. We\u2019re quite sure this has zero impact on the game, but she is pretty. Also good at hockey, so make sure she wears that crown, while shutting down Cobra Kai\u2019s potent offense.<\/li>\n<li>Apparently\u00a0Russell is a comedian? Did you know this? SAY SOMETHING FUNNY RUSSELL! Oh, you can\u2019t? Well, Sam makes us laugh, why can\u2019t you, Russell?<\/li>\n<li>Cobra\u00a0Kai\u2019s underage goalie is absurd. But seriously, have you seen him play? Taunt him with jokes about getting a ride home from his mom.<\/li>\n<li>Periodically\u00a0yell \u201cRachel, I\u2019m open!&#8221;<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p><b id=\"yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1507167375355_3470\">In summary:<\/b><br \/>\nThe final question is what\u2019s more significant: Rachel power or Norris power? Because they both have two (not counting Rebecca, Nathan, and Sandy for Maths, all of them sidelined by assorted injuries, travel distances, and pregnancies, not necessarily in that order).<\/p>\n<p><em>Prediction:\u00a0<\/em>Math by 2, because the future of the Norrii\u2026 erm, we mean Math, will be witnessing from Rebecca\u2019s innards.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>18.\u00a0Tompkins Square Riots at 1. Fresh Kills by Fawn de Coques and Lord Bungalow Huggington-Cementmixer Dear Max, In response to your question posted on Facebook, \u201cWhat are the keys to beating Fresh Kills?\u201d, from our years of experience, we straight don\u2019t know. But if we were to hazard a guess, it would be the following: [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":6355,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-15737","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-league-info"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/15737"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/6355"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=15737"}],"version-history":[{"count":8,"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/15737\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":15750,"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/15737\/revisions\/15750"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=15737"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=15737"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=15737"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}