{"id":15803,"date":"2017-10-18T08:27:18","date_gmt":"2017-10-18T12:27:18","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.btsh.org\/bruise\/?p=15803"},"modified":"2017-10-18T08:27:18","modified_gmt":"2017-10-18T12:27:18","slug":"three-stars-of-the-sweet-16-playoffs","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/three-stars-of-the-sweet-16-playoffs\/","title":{"rendered":"Three Stars of the Sweet 16 Playoffs"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

Third Star<\/strong>
\n Luck of the Hookers<\/strong>
\nby Sultan<\/em><\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>

Once again, Sarah is open.<\/p><\/div>\n

The Anklebiters vs Hookers game was clearly the Game of the Week. Anklebiters came out strong and took an early 1-0 lead when Coco buried a loose ball. Cro silenced their many fans watching by tying the game shortly after. \u00a0Early in the second half the Biters scored two quick ones to take a seemingly commanding 3-1 lead. The Hookers were in disarray. Someone wisely called a timeout and speeches were given. Jeff K. told everyone to stop worrying about the refs and focus on the game.<\/span><\/p>\n

The timeout immediately worked as a few shifts later the game was tied. The large Anklebiter crowd was despondent. The game went to overtime and by this point, everyone was watching.<\/span><\/p>\n

The underdog Anklebiter team without Dehro, without Joe P. was just one goal away from a massive upset. But Cro put home the winner and Bill L. proudly waved the American flag.<\/span><\/p>\n

Big ups go to the Biters, but the star goes to Cro and his Hookers.<\/span><\/p>\n

P.S. Before you let this get to your head Cro, Sara was wide open on a 2 on 1 and you shot instead of passed. This game never needed to go to OT if you would have just looked up you heel.<\/span><\/p>\n

Second Star<\/strong>
\nFerocity of Poutine Machine<\/b>
\nby Isaac<\/em><\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>

Not a looker in the bunch.<\/p><\/div>\n

Never underestimate the resiliency of a team that plays as a complete unit. \u00a0You would think that the league would have figured out by now, in the playoffs, that Poutine\u2019s successful season was no fluke. \u00a0Following the lead of their co-captain, BSA, the Poos out-hustled, out-positioned and out-worked the Butchers to a frustrating degree. \u00a0Several times throughout the game Christina tracked down loose balls in the offensive zone and went one-on-one with opposition\u2019s top defender. \u00a0Those clashes produced takeaways, forced bad dumps, and gave her teammates enough time to recover. \u00a0As good as RJ was in net, earning his first playoff win and shutout, this star goes to the whole Poo Nation.<\/span><\/p>\n

First Star<\/strong>
\nJ-Po’s Left Breast<\/strong>
\nby Arya Stark<\/em><\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>

Ouchie.<\/p><\/div>\n

Hockey is a game of sacrifice.\u00a0 About the name on the front of the jersey, not the name on the back.\u00a0 About giving up your body for the good of your team, even if your team is down by like a bajillion goals.\u00a0\u00a0On Sunday<\/span><\/span>, Jenn found herself in this exact position and decided to make the ultimate sacrifice.\u00a0 Facing the business end of a\u00a0Cherie slapshot<\/a>, she stood tall (well, as tall as a 5’0 girl can stand) and gave\u00a0up what is possibly her most prized possession, taking\u00a0a heater straight to the left breasticle.\u00a0 It was an impressive display of leadership and self-sacrifice, inspiring for her teammates and especially satisfying for me personally.\u00a0 For you see, a group of esteemed league members (plus\u00a0one Disney villain<\/a>) went to Ocean City on the\u00a0Tuesday<\/span><\/span>morning before the tourney because apparently we are degenerates and spent the first two nights in said villain’s uncle’s hotel by the boardwalk.\u00a0\u00a0Wednesday<\/span><\/span>\u00a0night at approximately\u00a02:30 AM<\/span><\/span>, I was en route back to our suite with two incredibly classy females from Seacrets, where all the incredibly classy OC ladies reside.\u00a0 Upon getting in the elevator I realized that I didn’t have my room key on me.\u00a0 Told the girls it was no problem, got upstairs and started banging on the door as if my life depended on it because, in that moment, it sure seemed like it did.\u00a0 And just as I began contemplating whether public nudity is considered a felony or misdemeanor in the state of Maryland (thankfully my attorney was present to clarify I would have probably\u00a0gone to jail<\/a>), Hoggystyle, bless his soul, woke up and opened the door to let us in.\u00a0 Sweet relief washed over me like rain but alas, it was fleeting, for the first thing we saw as soon as we walked in the room was Jenn, passed out sitting on the couch with that same left breast just hanging out and enjoying the breeze.\u00a0 Needless to say, the girls were shocked.\u00a0 Hogg, for his part, took it in stride and said this had been the situation for over an hour.\u00a0 His attempts at normalizing this ridiculous situation and pulling off what would have been an all-time wingmanning were unfortunately for naught.\u00a0\u00a0<\/span>One girl left immediately, the other stayed for not nearly long enough.\u00a0\u00a0All because of that damn breast.<\/p>\n

Jenn actually had the audacity to claim I actually owe her some debt of gratitude for saving me from a nasty bout of herpes.\u00a0 I mostly disagree.\u00a0 But one thing is beyond dispute: en route to a resounding victory, Cherie avenged my scorned OC sex life.\u00a0 Thank you Cherie.\u00a0 People in BTSH don’t use this word enough, but you are a true hero.\u00a0 Oh, and the breast, about whom this write-up was originally intended.\u00a0 Stay strong.<\/p>\n

*JPo was informed of this honor and approves this message.<\/p>\n

**Cheeky saw a picture of one of the girls and felt comfortable telling me that she is probably awful in bed anyway.\u00a0 Great friends I have.<\/p>\n

**When I responded to a June email inviting me to “write for the simmering inferno that is the BTSH website,” I definitely never imagined that I would one day pen 540 words on Jenn’s left breast.<\/p>\n

Honorable mentions:<\/b><\/p>\n

Tim K from Filthier<\/b> and <\/span>Coach from Fuzz<\/b> for posting shutouts during their games. \u00a0Tim and Coach did everything from standing on their heads to tending bar and serving drinks while their teams worked their arses off. \u00a0Nice job boys.<\/span><\/p>\n

ACE Bar.<\/b> Like hockey, BTSH is the mistress ACE just can\u2019t seem to quit. \u00a0Despite our brief breaks she keeps welcoming us back with open arms. \u00a0We missed you baby.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Third Star Luck of the Hookers by Sultan The Anklebiters vs Hookers game was clearly the Game of the Week. Anklebiters came out strong and took an early 1-0 lead when Coco buried a loose ball. Cro silenced their many fans watching by tying the game shortly after. \u00a0Early in the second half the Biters […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":6355,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-15803","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-league-info"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/15803"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/6355"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=15803"}],"version-history":[{"count":8,"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/15803\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":15814,"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/15803\/revisions\/15814"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=15803"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=15803"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=15803"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}