{"id":178,"date":"2008-04-03T21:18:13","date_gmt":"2008-04-04T02:18:13","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.btsh.org\/bruise\/2008\/04\/03\/season-preview-the-bad-touch\/"},"modified":"2008-04-04T08:59:19","modified_gmt":"2008-04-04T13:59:19","slug":"season-preview-the-bad-touch","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/season-preview-the-bad-touch\/","title":{"rendered":"Season Preview: The Bad Touch"},"content":{"rendered":"

COOOOOOOOOOOOOP!<\/h4>\n

<\/p>\n

\"Coop<\/p>\n

<\/a><\/a><\/a><\/p>\n

<\/a>\"Coop\"Coop<\/h4>\n

Color<\/strong>: Red\/Gray
\nYear Founded<\/strong>: 2002
\n2007 Regular Season Finish<\/strong>: 7-10 (12th place)
\n2007 Playoff Result<\/strong>: Lost to Denim Demons in first round
\nKey Additions<\/strong>: Janica “Tussin” Lee (Tuques), Joe Lops (Free Agent)
\nKey Losses<\/strong>: Peter Hanchak
\nFan Base<\/strong>: King of Prussia, PA<\/p>\n

Mark Anderson of the Bad Touch submitted the following as his team\u2019s preview:<\/p>\n

1984<\/h3>\n

The Ultimate Warrior, after winning yet another belt from the 84 SummerSlam, mixed a cocktail of performance enhancing cocaine, heroin and steroids.\u00a0 He looked as if he passed gently away in a hot tub at the Fantasia Suites in Atlantic City.\u00a0 He had drawn a crude smiley face on his exploding chest muscles before slipping into a humid dream of death.\u00a0\u00a0 [Ed: The first SummerSlam was in 1988 in New York City]\n

Jane and the rest of the Bad Touch babes were moonlighting as housekeepers for several hotels in the area.\u00a0 Jane was the first one on the scene.\u00a0 It was the first room of her shift.\u00a0 She didn’t notice the giant scary muscle man.\u00a0 She simply cleaned around the champion.\u00a0 Careful not to disturb the elbow tassels with her chipped nails.\u00a0 He then awoke from his eternal sleep, grabbed a hold of Jane and speaking thru clenched teeth said, “call your bitches!” Jane, wearily, called to her bitches, she wasn’t sure why, and certainly wasn’t prepared for a moment like this.<\/p>\n

The rest of the girls came running to her, showing up in unison.\u00a0 A phantom wind blew the door behind them shut and the hot tub overflowed filling the room to its ceiling.\u00a0 Soon, the girls were floating thru the room and swimming towards a top that seemed to never end.\u00a0 They were entangled in the muck.\u00a0 A voice inside them all said raise your hands.\u00a0 [Ed: Kind of like Bon Jovi once did.] They did so, and were soon holding onto what felt like a horn, lifting them out of the cesspool.<\/p>\n

1942<\/h3>\n

The gerry’s were advancing over no mans land.\u00a0 Our whole unit was out of ammunition.\u00a0 We threw our good ideas into the battlefield and closed our eyes, thought fast and acted slowly.\u00a0 As we heard the SS boots stomping closer and closer, something was vibrating underneath us, and inside of us.<\/p>\n

A slimy green light lit our faces from underneath the earth.\u00a0 A small hoof reached out of the illuminated dirt, beckoned us in its direction…. Sexily.\u00a0 I turned to our commander,\u00a0 General Devlin.\u00a0 A short tempered artistic fellow who knew that whatever was between our fate with the Germans and the sultry goat hoof was on the ready with a decision.\u00a0 He tossed his empty weapon first as if that would make it seem wise to throw our bodies in next.\u00a0 Quickly, we followed.\u00a0 Sergeant Tuckman, the\u00a0 rear gunner looked at me, Lt. Anderson and mouthed the words; “don’t be a pussy”.\u00a0 Or maybe it was “won’t eat a pastry”.\u00a0 Whatever it was I didn’t wait to ask him why he didn’t just say it out loud.\u00a0 We followed Devlin’s lead, tossed in our rifles then plugged our noses and jumped into the green. [Ed: War’s hell, son.]\n

Present day<\/h3>\n

Awakened, alive, and in this moment, we\u2019re all holding long sticks high in the air on a grey, rainy day at Corlears Hook Park.\u00a0 Chanting, “touch them bad”, banging their weapons together.\u00a0 They never questioned why they were there, but were happy to be alive and angry as shit. [Ed: There\u2019s really no need for the profanity.]\u00a0 Our newly formed mixed gendered group took to the slick pavement.\u00a0 Slipping and falling and bleeding onto the concrete to embrace another game and never to speak of this new dream of champions, all just accepting it.<\/p>\n

* * * * * * * * *<\/p>\n

Rapper They Closely Resemble<\/strong>: Black Eyed Peas<\/em>.\u00a0 It gets a little pointless to mock a group who looks like its just trying to go out and have a good time.\u00a0 At this point, we know who they are and what they\u2019re about.\u00a0 But who knows?\u00a0 There may still be a breakout star somewhere in this mix.
\nFast Fact<\/strong>: Although Alex \u201cCoop\u201d Eben Meyer is the \u201cFastest Gunslinger in the West,\u201d he does not believe in firearms.\u00a0<\/p>\n

ROSTER
\n<\/strong>Mark Anderson
\nDanny Canarick\u00a0
\nToby Carroll
\nBethany Cocco\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0
\nJane Cramer\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0
\nEric Devlin (C)
\nAlex “Coop” Eben Meyer
\nAlex Gross
\nJonathan Hanson
\nAriel Imas
\nGreg Kellerman
\nAmy Krawczyk
\nJanica “Tussin” Lee
\nKelly LeVasseur
\nJoe Lops
\nBill MacGregor
\nElizabeth Moy
\nChristopher Neal
\nJennifer Nedbalsky
\nMartin Olson
\nDavid Ritter
\nScott Rosenthal
\nMichael Tuckman (A,G)
\nKristin Varner\u00a0<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

COOOOOOOOOOOOOP! Color: Red\/Gray Year Founded: 2002 2007 Regular Season Finish: 7-10 (12th place) 2007 Playoff Result: Lost to Denim Demons in first round Key Additions: Janica “Tussin” Lee (Tuques), Joe Lops (Free Agent) Key Losses: Peter Hanchak Fan Base: King of Prussia, PA<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":5,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[17],"tags":[10,298,18],"class_list":["post-178","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-2008-team-previews","tag-2008-season","tag-bad-touch","tag-team-previews"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/178"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/5"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=178"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/178\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=178"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=178"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=178"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}