{"id":17903,"date":"2018-04-26T08:35:42","date_gmt":"2018-04-26T12:35:42","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.btsh.org\/bruise\/?p=17903"},"modified":"2018-04-26T08:35:42","modified_gmt":"2018-04-26T12:35:42","slug":"week-5-previews-part-1-2","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/week-5-previews-part-1-2\/","title":{"rendered":"Week 5 Previews – Part 1"},"content":{"rendered":"

Cobra Kai at Gremlins<\/strong>
\nby Arya Stark<\/em><\/p>\n

Putting together two position-by-position previews in week five seems totally unnecessary but hey, it’s\u00a02:30 AM<\/span><\/span>, my apartment is full of (mostly legal) drugs and there’s only so many times I can watch SNL sketches (old<\/a>\u00a0and\u00a0new<\/a>).\u00a0 So what the hell, let’s do another one for this pivotal D3 showdown.<\/p>\n

Forwards<\/strong>
\nCobra Kai has returned their 2017 core and even improved upon it with the addition of Olivier “Derrick” Brassard.\u00a0 They’ve handed the Rehabs their only loss and, right before this game, will finish up their rained out week 3 matchup with the also undefeated Poutine whom they lead 1-0 at the half.\u00a0 The Gremlins, meanwhile, have an impressive group of forwards led by Erich, Cody and the\u00a0Magic Man<\/a>\u00a0himself (along with Rockoff, the best player agent BillsMafia tears can buy).\u00a0 It’s surprising, then, that they’ve underwhelmed thus far, having scored the same number of goals as their opponents despite having an extra game factored into the stats.<\/p>\n

EDGE: Even<\/p>\n

Defense<\/strong>
\nLiam is one of the very best in the league at generating offense from the backline while LJ will be fresh off forcing the 24th retirement of\u00a0$h0wt!m3 shortly after\u00a0demolishing the city of Philly.<\/a>\u00a0 Her wanton destruction of public property aside, she’ll have her hands full with the aforementioned Gremlins offense and Marcella’s surprisingly effective golf-swing slapshot.\u00a0 The Gremmies have a strong core of defenders but rumor has it they’re more concerned with their playing time, +\/-ratings and being mad at the media for snarky reporting of the Mega Touch incident (Mega Touch incident referring to a tense confrontation in week 3 and not a euphemism for team-wide sexual assault) than the Evil Dojo.<\/p>\n

EDGE: Cobra Kai<\/p>\n

Goaltending<\/strong>
\nLast year’s ROY (but #notmyROY for half the league) is having a strong start to the season and thus far avoiding the sophomore jinx, even if he did lose his shutout last week in the waning minutes of the game to the very same guy at the center of the ROY debate.\u00a0 Still, he got the win and in every hockey league on the planet except this one, that’s what ultimately matters.\u00a0 Jamie, meanwhile, has been his steady reliable self in net with nine goals allowed in four games played this season for a GAA of 2.25.\u00a0 With respect to Filthier, this will be the toughest test he’s faced so far this year.<\/p>\n

EDGE: Even<\/p>\n

Intangibles<\/strong>
\nBoth teams came into last year’s playoffs with serious sleeper potential as two of the top teams in scoring and goal differential, only to be taken down in the first round.\u00a0 Cobra Kai suffered a nail-biting defeat to Math while the Gremlins were treated like a rental car by Hicks and Co, before his offseason Kevin Durant-ing of Fuzz.\u00a0 Also, for all the hate Cro gets in this league for wearing the Trump hat it should be noted that LJ just forced a Spanish man into early retirement.\u00a0 Was he a\u00a0bad hombre<\/a>\u00a0or is she just a\u00a0nasty woman<\/a>?<\/p>\n

EDGE: Cobra Kai<\/p>\n

Prediction:<\/em>\u00a0<\/b>Both teams will be looking to make a statement that they’re for real after disappointing postseason runs a year ago.\u00a0 I had these teams ranked 1 and 2 in the division in my\u00a0preseason preview<\/a>\u00a0and stand by that, even with Poutine’s hot start to the season.\u00a0 But while one of these squads has flashes of brilliance mixed with spurts of uncharacteristically erratic play, the other has been running like a well-oiled machine so far this season.\u00a0 Dojo wins two games\u00a0in one day<\/span><\/span>, taking this one by a score of 5-2.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>

He’ll be back.<\/p><\/div>\n

Rehabs at Filthier<\/strong>
\nby Arya Stark<\/em><\/p>\n

One of the best games of the week features a rematch of last year’s final four classic which saw the Rehabs advance in overtime (at least I think it was OT – I was busy shotgunning beers and working on my\u00a0Gabe voodoo doll<\/a>\u00a0at the time).\u00a0 Both teams have started the season 3-1 with lone losses coming to two of the elite teams in the league (Cobra Kai and Fuzz).\u00a0 Both feature talent at all positions and arguably the two best goalies in the league between the pipes.\u00a0 Who will take Sunday’s matchup?\u00a0 Which team will get to wear black?\u00a0 How many goals will the Rehabs have called off, and how many will they admit were legitimate?\u00a0 Will the sidelines cheer for either team or just heckle both mercilessly and without regard for human life?\u00a0 I think I know the answer to that last one, come to think of it.\u00a0 Regardless, let’s go to the videotape:<\/p>\n

Forwards<\/strong>
\nOne of their star lady forwards has been spending a lot of time playing defense this season, quarterbacking the offense from the point and using that booming shot to get rebounds for her teammates.\u00a0 Fortunately for the Rehabs they have plenty of ladies to pick up the slack up front with Monique remaining one of the underrated ladies in the entire league.\u00a0 A. May (not to be confused with A. Frey, who I hear is very sexy) Joey Bats and the Phareaux (apply here<\/a>!\u00a0 but maybe don’t tell Sarah) are always threats to put the ball in the net everytime they step out on the court.\u00a0 On the pink side of the court, James is a top three player in this league and his line with Sunny and Ann remains one of the most dangerous in the league.\u00a0 They’ll have their hands full Sunday with a deep Rehabs lineup.<\/p>\n

EDGE: Rehabs<\/div>\n

Defense<\/strong>
\nSena’s one of the best female players in the league and probably the best pure defender among the ranks of the two x-chromosomes, and Cherie has been filling in back there to much critical acclaim.\u00a0 In actuality there’s been precious little acclaim because no one seems to want to say anything good about the Rehabs, but as long as the wins keep coming in and the disallowed goals do not, the Rehabs aren’t complaining.\u00a0 Filthy, meanwhile, has longtime franchise defenseman JJ patrolling the back-end with Kate and Danielle eating valuable minutes the same way Walker eats valuable tacos every day of his life.\u00a0 It’s a close one, but I’m inclined to give the edge to…<\/p>\n

EDGE: Filthier<\/p>\n

Goaltending<\/strong>
\nTwo of the best goalies in the league will once again throw down Sunday.\u00a0 Ramirez and the Rehabs got the edge in two regular season matchups last season with Eric allowing one total goal.\u00a0 Tim K got his revenge in Ocean City when the Shortis smoked the rest of the tournament field\u00a0like a bad cigar<\/a>, but Eric had the last laugh with the aforementioned final four game.\u00a0 Assuming both goalies are in for Sunday (likely considering the Rehabs’ backup tender just tendered his resignation, but the BTSH gambling community will await confirmation), it should be a tightly contested affair with goals at a premium.<\/p>\n

EDGE: Even<\/p>\n

Intangibles<\/strong>
\nThese are two of the best teams in the league not just this season but in recent history.\u00a0 Throughout the past three years they are tied for second in aggregate points with 80, behind only the Fresh Kills.\u00a0 Each team has won one title in that span.\u00a0 Each team is 3-1-0 this year.\u00a0 The Rehabs were beaten only by Cobra Kai.\u00a0 Filthier, however, was beaten by Fuzz, who were beaten by the Fresh Kills, who were beaten by the Rehabs.\u00a0 Add in the fact that the Rehabs had either 3, 4 or 16 goals waved off last week (depending on who you ask) and you would have to think that they’re renouncing their membership to the Klion School of Crease Violations and will be more careful to avoid getting their shit called off this week.<\/p>\n

EDGE: Rehabs<\/p>\n

Prediction:\u00a0<\/em>A primetime first division showdown sees a ton of action below the hashmarks as each team will get ample opportunity to test the opposing goaltender early and often.\u00a0 James is probably the best overall player in this matchup, but the Rehabs’ superior depth will prove to be too much on this day.\u00a0 4-2 with an empty netter (and only one goal called off).<\/p>\n

Gut Rot at Mega Touch<\/strong><\/p>\n

by Izzy<\/em><\/p>\n

Before BTSH itself, there were six singularities. Then the league exploded into existence, and the remnants of these systems were forged into concentrated ingots… Infinity Stones.<\/em><\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

The Inebriation Stone originated with the Gut Rot franchise and has never left. So much of what makes Ellery, well, Ellery and Scott the man with the heaviest pour is derived from the essence of this stone. Oddly enough it is also what makes Becca incoherent.<\/p>\n

The Salubrious Stone has changed teams over the course of the league\u2019s existence and this season finds itself residing with Julie and Mega Touch. It\u2019s magic elements course through the team\u2019s veins making them the happy and healthy mofos of BTSH. It is also what keeps Tuchman in the highest of spirits and always seeing their pints as half full.<\/p>\n

Prediction:<\/em> A delightful contest of two of most BTSH-esque teams in the league with Liza sinking two and Gut Rot getting back into the win column, 4-2.<\/p>\n

Corlears Hookers at Fresh Kills<\/strong>
\nby Cat<\/em><\/p>\n

Cro may be leading the league in garbage goals but they were all against a Dark Rainbows substitute croquet goalie, not a goaltender as pile-worthy as Barch. The Hookers have put up some close game scores, but when it comes down to it, their only W this season is against a team that\u2019s lost more consecutive times than I\u2019ve lost the will to live while reading Kanye\u2019s Twitter account.<\/p>\n

In the negative column for FK, attendance has been occasionally spotty (see: their sound defeat at the hands of LBS), plus people keep teasing Gabe and Ariel about their age, which isn\u2019t very nice, and probably takes its mental toll.<\/p>\n

Prediction:<\/em> These teams have scoring talent on both sides, but blue is the warmest color. 3-0, Fresh Kills over Hookers.<\/p>\n

Poutine Machine at Instant Karma<\/strong>
\nby Chica Malcriada<\/em><\/p>\n

Poutine has picked up right where it left off last season by successfully taking care of business and refining their craft in each game. The Gravy Train\u2019s style of play is showing the opposition an opportunity and then taking it away<\/a>. The formula is simply, really \u2013 the defense dumps, the forwards chase and kick it back to the open player in the slot. Boom.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>

Just give me the frigging goal, man!<\/p><\/div>\n

Karma\u2019s been having some success of their own this season and having good \u2018ol fashion BTSH fun as well. Last year they took some lumps during a transition season, but they seem to have turned it around this year. Bill\u2019s on-court veteran leadership has given them a boost of confidence and the Vernoias\u2019 dynamic play has their fan base already thinking playoffs.<\/p>\n

Prediction:<\/em> Poutine teaches Karma that they still have a few things to learn as BSA and Patty Ringer power the Machine to a divisional win, 4-2.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Cobra Kai at Gremlins by Arya Stark Putting together two position-by-position previews in week five seems totally unnecessary but hey, it’s\u00a02:30 AM, my apartment is full of (mostly legal) drugs and there’s only so many times I can watch SNL sketches (old\u00a0and\u00a0new).\u00a0 So what the hell, let’s do another one for this pivotal D3 showdown. […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":6355,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-17903","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-league-info"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/17903"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/6355"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=17903"}],"version-history":[{"count":13,"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/17903\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":17919,"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/17903\/revisions\/17919"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=17903"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=17903"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=17903"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}