{"id":18098,"date":"2018-05-18T11:52:49","date_gmt":"2018-05-18T15:52:49","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.btsh.org\/bruise\/?p=18098"},"modified":"2018-05-18T17:33:27","modified_gmt":"2018-05-18T21:33:27","slug":"week-7-previews-part-1","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/week-7-previews-part-1\/","title":{"rendered":"Week 7 Previews – Part 1"},"content":{"rendered":"

Gut Rot at Poutine Machine<\/strong>
\nby Christo the Red-Tailed Hawk<\/em><\/p>\n

CAW!<\/i> Ahem, sorry, let\u2019s try that again. Okay, so I wanted to make a few remarks before I get to the preview. First of all I just wanted to tell you I love <\/i>your little hockey league. You guys tend to smell pretty, uh, fragrant, after a game, and you leave a lot of little bits of food laying around. That one-two punch attracts a lot of rats, and boy howdy do I love rats. I mean, who doesn\u2019t?! Woo-ee!<\/p>\n

And don\u2019t get me started on the tributes, I mean you have like what, five teams with me on your shirts? Well okay, two just have winged logos, but three have birds. That What The Puck one is pretty stylized, looks like a fuckin\u2019 chickenhawk. I guess that\u2019s the hen layin\u2019 those bright orange eggs you\u2019re always swatting around, am I right? But hey, I\u2019m cool with diversity, I\u2019m down with intersectional ornithology, dig? And it\u2019s definitely me on those Fuzz shirts. What I\u2019m trying to say is, unlike you, I\u2019ve got two foveae<\/a> in each of my retinas, so I notice little things like that, and I appreciate it. I\u2019ve been going through a rough patch with Dora<\/a>, so your unflinching support means a lot to me. Back at ya, homies, right back at ya. As my way of saying thanks I\u2019ve decided not to eat your dogs and children.<\/p>\n

So here\u2019s what these foveae foresee. Gut Rot? They got some succulent meat on tho<\/i>s<\/i>e<\/i> <\/i>bones. Perko may be Drew Carey\u2019s love child but he can whack balls like nobody\u2019s business. As long as they\u2019re on target, Gut Rot has a chance. And how \u2018bout that Kovac-Cohen-Kollar combo? I could watch them all day\u2026 and I do! By the way, can I just finally say this, with apologies to Jimmy Clanton<\/a>: Peaches is Beavis in blue jeans. I\u2019m just kiddin\u2019, folks. But sticking with the cons, Ed hasn\u2019t been guarding his nest too well this year. Gotta watch for cowbirds and starlings<\/a> stashing their eggs in there, bud. But let\u2019s blame the defense because it\u2019s never the goalie\u2019s fault (hawkeye roll). So if you know me you know I always root for the team with the shabbier record. That\u2019s why Sunday<\/span><\/span> at 1pm<\/span><\/span> you\u2019ll hear me screeching \u201cAkhil! Akhil!”<\/i><\/p>\n

And Poutine? They skipped a game because it was partly cloudy. Newsflash, assholes, you know what I do when it rains? I get wet. Then I shake it off. So fucking grow a pair, and I don\u2019t mean a pair of wattles. That goes double for the Hookers, because their captain\u2019s named Crow and he gives me tsuris. Scott Pruitt and Ryan Zinke clearly want me dead. Read a newspaper some time. But I digest. I mean, digress. Hey, speaking of shaking it off, did you know spine-tailed swifts can fly a hundred miles an hour? Tail<\/i>? Swift<\/i>? Taylor Swift? Nobody? Well anyway, now you know. So Poutine\u2019s got a gamier flavor profile than their opponent. They score about the same number of goals. The difference is how many they let in. 5 for Poutine. 33 for Gut Rot, and it\u2019s only week seven. Well, week six for Poutine. Anyway they weren\u2019t going to let 28 goals in last week even if they hadn\u2019t chickened out, so let\u2019s not pretend the numbers are the same. If Ed nods off, look for Charlotte, Jerome, and Patrick to bounce a few in and run up their GF while the getting\u2019s good.<\/p>\n

So, I\u2019m not exactly calling it a blowout, but let\u2019s say 5-1, and that 5 is Poutine. Don\u2019t like it, Gut Rot? Prove me wrong or stuff it up your cloaca. Alright folks. That\u2019s all the news from Lake Crobegone. You\u2019ve been great. Christo out. Next year in Jerusalem, bitches. And don’t forget to tip your warblers. CAW!<\/i><\/p>\n

Sky Fighters at Butchers<\/strong>
\nby Sam<\/em><\/p>\n

Sky Fighters at Butchers \u2013 the match nobody is talking about.\u00a0 Because\u2026 nobody knows any of the new people on the Sky Fighters and Rachel and Brady were supposed to hang out with me on Tuesday, but didn\u2019t.\u00a0 Little did they know, this game is all I wanted to talk about.<\/p>\n

So let\u2019s start throwing in some hockey-related thoughts here:\u00a0 The Butchers this season have been nostalgic of seasons\u2019 past, where you could just come to the courts and chase a ball around within some odd boundary guarded by a rope with the hope of being crowned as a winner for the day.\u00a0 I\u2019m talking about the second division.\u00a0 This year they have to play some tough teams twice in the season, without the guarantee of playing Instant Karma, the Gremlins, or those goofy fourth division teams where people generally have a smile on their face.\u00a0 However, the Butchers are a sleeper team for the PBR Cup and I think they\u2019re going to wake up the Sky Fighters with their speed if Fast Dave, Pete D, and the Clinton Hill Gang have anything to do with it.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>

Every Mets fan’s experience.<\/p><\/div>\n

Sky Fighters have been hot, but mostly not.\u00a0 They have some of the best new raw talent in the league, but their chemistry is still a bit off.\u00a0 Honestly, there are like 5 really good dudes on the team and 4 really good women.\u00a0 This team would have made it to the PBR Cup 5 years ago, but with the league having changed so much talent-wise, they\u2019ll need to work on their chemistry and team-styled play and find a new, shifty frenchman.\u00a0 Captain Greg knows this already.\u00a0 He went to watch and study how the Blue Jays can every now and then just stomp a AAA team at Citi Field yesterday in the rain.\u00a0 I\u2019m talking about the Mets, of course.<\/p>\n

How does this game play out?\u00a0 It doesn\u2019t\u2014Mr. Met seeks vengeance on these Canadian Blue Jay fans, pokes his head over Tompkins, and rain halts this matchup!<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

Dark Rainbows (0-4-0-1) at What the Puck (2-4-0), Tompkins East 1400<\/strong>
\nby Hornswoggle<\/em><\/p>\n

While we\u2019ve known the Rainbows as a squad in a state of rebuilding, the Pucks expected to bolt out the season with Ws as a continuation of last season\u2019s run (sans playoffs), but they\u2019ve had a turbulent beginning with a rough schedule\u2014their only wins come from their own division.<\/p>\n

The Rainbows\u2019 \u201calmost win\u201d against the Gremmies in W4 were supposed to give them hope for better things, since that was the first time they reached two in a game in 2018; however, being shutout against the Demons and a drubbing from the Butchers in the following weeks meant there\u2019s still lots of work to do. The scoring is evenly distributed, which is a good sign for the team. This is the chance for Tia to score another banger against a talented Puck netminder. Greenie will have to be a little more intense in net, knowing there are two important points up for grabs, as well as the chance of breaking out of the mold that 2017 made the Rainbows.<\/p>\n

In the opposite corner, Puck was demoralized from the first half of the matchup with the Rehabs with a hat-trick from the Joey \u201cPortuguese Pastry King\u201d, but now returning to a divisional matchup, Oranje<\/em> has an opportunity to bank two points and break away from Mega Touch, who play the Riots. Paul P., Puck\u2019s frontman in goals, could see this week as an opportunity to pad stats, but I think the surprise here is Susie L., who\u2019s already notched two for the year\u2014twice as much as yours truly! The issue remaining then is goaltending. Scotty is 1-4, and while that\u2019s marginally better than Greenie, the mentality of snatching two points from a divisional fellow is vital.<\/p>\n

Prediction:<\/em> Rainbows won\u2019t be shutout with the help of spirit of Tyrell \u201cJesus\u201d, and Puck will struggle because some of the players will be reeling from another Caps loss on Saturday. Yet Puck will emerge victorious, 4-2, because Claire will have played one of her best defensive games of her life and showing Orlov and Carlson how it ought to be.<\/p>\n

LBS, Inc. at Rehabs<\/strong>
\nby Chairwoman Rachel<\/em><\/p>\n

This could be one of the best games of the week, if actual hockey is what you are here for, instead of cheap beer and hawk-watching. These two teams sit on the top of the first division, the Lbs barely edging out the ‘Habs by 8 GF(c’mon Rehabs, can’t you score goals?!?). Let’s see who shows up this week. I’d like to watch Ryann score one of those sick goals from Eric’s doorstep, or watch Scotty K celebrate a hat trick. Anything is possible. Like rain, rain is possible. But if 50%-of-the-commissioner has his way(which seems to be working so far), the weather will hold out.\u00a0#whereskirkham<\/p>\n

Prediction:<\/em> I miss Kirkham as much as the next Norris, but I think the Habs will take this by 2.<\/div>\n

Instant Karma at Cobra Kai<\/strong>
\nby BirthdayBoiRich<\/em><\/p>\n

I loooaatthhe people that use team names as a major part of their preview, so I won’t do it. But you need to watch The Karate Kid and then watch Cobra Kai on Youtube red. It’s amazing.<\/p>\n

How Instant Karma can win: Their light blue is very close to the green of Cobra Kai. Perhaps Will won’t have his glasses and you gotta assume JJ’s eyesight is pretty poor so they will pass in the middle to Brianna and Instant Karma will win.<\/p>\n

How Cobra Kai can win: Wear white and don’t let them use Tim K. in net.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

Prediction:<\/em> Let’s talk about Nicole from Karma instead. She cut off 95% of her hair (though still has more than Craig…loser) and donated it at\u00a0https:\/\/www.stbaldricks.org<\/a><\/wbr>. She has one career goal last year vs. Gut Rot…and perhaps most impressively has been studying BJJ for 7 years and can undoubtedly beat up all of Cobra Kai’s girls besides LJ (crossfit!!!) and Nebatz (she watches wrestling!!!!). Also, I’m making up the part about Nicole and her BJJ but if she actually has done it I’d be a hero.<\/p>\n

More predictions: Will will announce after the game that Cobra Kai is 7-0, because they will have just won 4-1. Tom and Paul won’t score but Liam, Pete, Dani and some other rando will. Proving again just how balanced this team is. Karma’s goal will come from Lisa H.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Gut Rot at Poutine Machine by Christo the Red-Tailed Hawk CAW! Ahem, sorry, let\u2019s try that again. Okay, so I wanted to make a few remarks before I get to the preview. First of all I just wanted to tell you I love your little hockey league. You guys tend to smell pretty, uh, fragrant, […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":6355,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-18098","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-league-info"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/18098"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/6355"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=18098"}],"version-history":[{"count":12,"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/18098\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":18130,"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/18098\/revisions\/18130"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=18098"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=18098"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=18098"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}