{"id":19274,"date":"2018-08-23T08:53:30","date_gmt":"2018-08-23T12:53:30","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.btsh.org\/bruise\/?p=19274"},"modified":"2018-08-23T12:29:12","modified_gmt":"2018-08-23T16:29:12","slug":"ocean-city-team-previews-2018-edition-part-1","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/ocean-city-team-previews-2018-edition-part-1\/","title":{"rendered":"Ocean City Team Previews – 2018 Edition: Part 1"},"content":{"rendered":"

Drunk Machine<\/strong>
\nby Schumes & Dummy\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

The members of team Drunk Machine recognize that they are all distractingly attractive, and do anticipate that you may wish to purchase them a beverage. Such gestures being a common means of demonstrating one’s admiration. To ensure a positive experience for all parties, we, the undersigned, have provided a handy list of our favorite libations. Cheers.<\/i><\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>

We are just better than you.<\/p><\/div>\n

Hilary\u2019s Boyfriend with the good hair – Guinness topped with lawn clippings
Hil-Larry – Aperol hold the Spritz
Dr. double K- Bud Light Lime with cranberry
Nicy \u201cBalls Deep\u201d – Anything you can drink while crying
JoJo – Canadian Club
Shotgun Charlotte – The salty tears of her enemies
<\/span>Mikey \u201cI Play\u201d-\u00a0 Pimms groin Cup
Jon C – Beer bottles. The bottles. To chew.
The Big Dicky – Re-hydrated ink from the Declaration of Independence
C Hughes – Rose with 3 ice cubes<\/i>
J \u201cbetter get card him twice\u201d McQuade – Kaluha after\u00a05pm<\/a>
Matty R – 40oz, duct-taped to his left hand
B Hiker – Potato juice (NOT vodka)
Nico – Warm whiskey from a butt flask
Patty Lee – All umbrella drinks
Schumes – Hot maple syrup<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n

Friends Mountain\u00a0<\/strong>
\n(Written by Rob W)<\/em><\/p>\n

It\u2019s a downhill climb all the way to the bottom\u2026…<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

It all started with Instant Shwarma\u2026..then Kum & Go\u2026\u2026and then the vaunted Jesus Penus.\u00a0 Friends Mountain is our latest OC installment.\u00a0 Like bad pennies that keep turning up, many of our fellow Mountaineers are coming back from the past because they love (spoiler alert) losing in the semi-finals.<\/p>\n

In order to capture the true essence of Hockey Beach and Friends Mountain, we placed a recording device in Walsh\u2019s car heading down to OC.\u00a0 Here is the entire conversation:<\/p>\n

From Rob\u2019s 2002 Chevy Trailblazer (yeah his car is older than that kid on Drunk Machine from two years ago) with Rob, Sam and Nick Baretta.<\/p>\n

Sam: Hey Rob, do you mind if I crack open a beer for the car ride down?<\/p>\n

Rob: Sam, it\u2019s 10 in the morning. I\u2019m surprised you have not clocked in already, but yeah sure.<\/p>\n

Nick: Can you guys keep it down? I\u2019m trying to hear my own farts back here and you are both very distracting. I\u2019m not used to leather seats and the reverb is amazing.<\/p>\n

Rob: That\u2019s fine, but that means that Sam can\u2019t smoke in the car.<\/p>\n

Sam: Fine. So what do you think of our team this year, Rob?<\/p>\n

Rob: I actually like our chances. Chances of what I have no idea, but I like them. I mean this is a team whose heart is only matched by its liver. And one of those or both will be left on the court\u2026..or on the dance floor at Seacrets. Not sure which goes where yet.<\/p>\n

Sam: Yeah \u2013 I totally agree. I mean we have a few \u201cseacret\u201d weapons. No one knows Marcella\u2019s husband Rob, but the dude is Canadian so he has to be like Gabe, right?<\/p>\n

Rob: Definitely. And we also have that mystery guy Glenn from Long Island. No one knows him either, but then again he does not own a hockey stick so that could be a bad sign.\u00a0 Plus, luckily the creatures lurking around Friends Mountain killed many of our previous years’ deserting teammates.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

Nick: I think our biggest obstacle is Sarah V stealing her parents\u2019 car to drive down. If they find out, she will be grounded and then we would lose her and Ramy because he would be grounded too.<\/p>\n

Sam: That\u2019s a real issue. But I think we more than compensate for their potential loss with our other additions. I mean the Herr sisters\u2026\u2026we\u2019ll be unstoppable! Especially with Sarah\u2019s (I\u2019m not Cheeky) bionic hip.<\/p>\n

Rob: But do you think Sarah will be able to get through the metal detector at Seacrets with that hip?<\/p>\n

Sam: That\u2019s a good point. That could be a problem.<\/p>\n

Nick: What about Chadwick? I\u2019m glad he is returning, but he makes me feel dumb as a person.<\/p>\n

Rob: True. But he also makes me feel like I am good at hockey.<\/p>\n

Nick: Can you imagine if Ben\u2019s hockey skills matched his intelligence?<\/p>\n

Sam: Yeah \u2013 it would be like having Gabe and Ariel wrapped into a single giant being with a 7 foot wing span.<\/p>\n

Nick: Totally agree, but what is the real reason Walker bailed on this team though? I mean without him we are missing out on snarky commentary, personal tracking of +\/-, things forgotten from the night before and overall edgy attitude. Although I was speaking with some of the millennials coming down and they seem much happier without his presence.<\/p>\n

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Walker’s famous “anal” version of a “Canada” shirt…<\/p><\/div>\n

Rob: I heard he met a girl in Indonesia.<\/p>\n

Sam: I heard he OD\u2019d on pizza.<\/p>\n

Nick: I heard he got stuck in Escape the Room and never made it out. Even though the rest of his team did. Weird. Let\u2019s stop talking about Walker. He feeds off of this stuff. Like if this convo ever made it into a preview he would be so friggin\u2019 happy.<\/p>\n

Rob: Wow\u2026.we just crossed the Maryland border! I can\u2019t believe this trip went by so quickly and that Sam drank 17 beers and has not peed once. Ok guys\u2026..what are your predictions about this weekend?<\/p>\n

Sam: My #1 prediction is that Cecil(e) and Harambe finally spell their team name correctly. I heard they purchased some spellcheck device and hired a bunch of proofreaders.<\/p>\n

Nick: Agree on that one. They have shored up their team spelling over the past year. I predict there will be another impressive performance by that Lime Walker band.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

Rob: Stop saying Walker. I have to admit that they were amazing last year. Jamie B on the electric ukulele was spot on and who can top Tia\u2019s kazoo saxophone? My prediction is that Friends Mountain will have the hottest shirts around. Everyone will want one. I mean who does not want a logo with Eli\u2019s head rolling down a mountain side?<\/p>\n

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 <\/p>\n

Sam: One last prediction \u2013 this Friends Mountain team strikes the perfect balance of skill and fun which means we are destined for another semifinals loss and can be drunk just in time for the \u201cB\u201d finals. And that is the true essence of Hockey Beach and Friends Mountain!\u00a0 Also, I’m glad those fucking Friends Mountain creatures lurking about on the mountain have picked off those damn deserters.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

Rob and Nick: Amen to that!<\/p>\n

Hockey Balboa<\/strong><\/p>\n

Current status: drunk.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>

Hockey Balboa 2017<\/p><\/div>\n

Inflatable Tyrannosaurus Erections (T-Rextions)<\/strong>
\nWritten by Lee<\/em><\/p>\n

Long extinct are the dinosaurs, but they live on through childhood imaginations, Hollywood cinema and the phallic fantasies of a drinking team that occasionally plays hockey.\u00a0 The Inflatable T-Rextions play with a spirit as large as their prehistoric namesake and bring the party on and off the rink.\u00a0 If you’re looking to join this cult of personality, here are some things the T-Rextions enjoy:<\/p>\n