{"id":19307,"date":"2018-08-23T12:29:24","date_gmt":"2018-08-23T16:29:24","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.btsh.org\/bruise\/?p=19307"},"modified":"2018-08-23T12:29:24","modified_gmt":"2018-08-23T16:29:24","slug":"ocean-city-team-previews-2018-edition-part-2","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/ocean-city-team-previews-2018-edition-part-2\/","title":{"rendered":"Ocean City Team Previews – 2018 Edition: Part 2"},"content":{"rendered":"

Cecil Harambe<\/strong>
\nby Derk Diggler<\/em><\/p>\n

2017 Tournament Results<\/strong>: B Bracket winners\u2026but I\u2019m sure you already knew that, because they\u2019re still gloating about it. Have you ever seen a team celebrate mediocrity as much as Cecil(e) Harambe? The funny part is that they essentially played one good game the entire tournament. After bumbling through the Saturday games, they lucked into the most favorable draw possible on Sunday, which culminated in a 1-0 dump-fest win against Drunk Machine. Congrats guys–you beat BSA and Hornswoggle.<\/p>\n

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World Champs 2017<\/p><\/div>\n

The Captain(s):<\/strong> It was Richie, then he got hurt, so it was Derek, and now it\u2019s kind of Richie again in a non-playing capacity. So, what\u2019s he going to do? Is he just going to limp behind the benches, trying to garner sympathy for his routine minor outpatient surgery? Why is Derek still involved? Didn\u2019t he have a kid and move like two years ago? Get on with your life, dude.<\/p>\n

Also, even though he\u2019s not officially a captain, Elly is floating around.<\/p>\n

Top Players:<\/strong> Can anyone please explain why Fresh Kills joined forces with these tryhards? Any team would happily take Ariel and Barch (unless they\u2019re trying to make a point about how much fun they\u2019re having at OC by losing), but they\u2019ve stuck it out with CH for years leaving us to believe Richie obviously has incriminating photos of them. Plus, they have LJ from Cobra Kai, who either has too much loyalty for her own good or just didn\u2019t realize you\u2019re allowed to change teams.<\/p>\n

What\u2019s New:<\/strong> So, after of texting, emailing, and stalking, Richie has finally coerced Gabe into joining his squad. Naturally, he\u2019ll have a great tournament, and Richie will claim he\u2019s a brilliant strategist<\/a> as a result.<\/p>\n

What\u2019s Old:<\/strong> Hicks. This self-proclaimed \u201calpha male\u201d (who missed last year\u2019s tournament after he was \u201ctriggered\u201d) changes BTSH teams more often than he changes his jock, but for some reason, he\u2019s still going to OC with Cecil Harambe. One would think his new lady friend would make him a tad more likeable, but it may have exacerbated his male fragility<\/a>.<\/p>\n

Of course, in a broader sense, can someone please tell these guys that Ocean City is meant for fun? It\u2019s like they never got the memo that we should just let the Shortis win, so they\u2019d be much better off spending their time on the beach and mini-golf courses. They don\u2019t even go out. They literally just play and go back to the hotel, where they practice hockey. It\u2019s not in the spirit of the league!<\/p>\n

Oh\u2026also, everyone else stopped watching wrestling 30 years ago. Grow up!<\/p>\n

What\u2019s Different:<\/strong> Unfortunately, the heart and soul of the team, Rachel Nabatz, won\u2019t be heading down this summer. Did she honestly try to cash in Money in the Bank against the Shortis last season?<\/p>\n

So, What\u2019s To Like:<\/strong> Worky put a free agent on their team named Nate. Since he didn\u2019t really have a choice, we\u2019ll give the new guy a pass this season.<\/p>\n

What does the league think of them?<\/strong><\/p>\n

“Barch is one concussion away from being out of the league” – OP James<\/p>\n

“Glnzr always picks the best runner ups. Heard ROY 2014 snubby Nick Barretta is in town this weekend” – Brooklyn Clique<\/p>\n

“Dani isn’t even that good at hockey so she had to make her own pro league, and still couldn’t make a roster spot” – Shelly P<\/p>\n

“This team is so bad a Rainbow had to score their Division B clincher in 2017.” – Jess(ica) D<\/p>\n

“Fresh Kills aren’t even that good this year. Adding Gabe was a desperation move two years too late.” – Jeff (but probably Jules)<\/p>\n

TASTE THE SE(A)MEN<\/b><\/strong>
\nMermaid Seamen Gear Up For OC<\/b>
\nby Ivana Kutnutzov<\/em><\/p>\n

History has brought us a select number of classic love affairs.\u00a0 Pairings so perfect, you know that destiny has brought two unstoppable forces together.<\/p>\n

Hockey and Beach.\u00a0 OC hangovers and Wawa.\u00a0 Peanut butter and dog tongues.\u00a0\u00a0Mermaids and Seamen.<\/p>\n

Yes, some of the greatest pairings of all time start with a simple kiss on the beach and turn into a hockey tournament.\u00a0 Yet others are wild tumbles under water that are deeper, wetter, and end with someone decomposing in their lover’s arms.<\/p>\n

Thus the Mermaid Seamen.\u00a0 A union that is born of the paradox that se(a)men can only swim in fallopian tubes and but will still die trying.<\/p>\n

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Just as a mermaid has the better of an underwater relationship, the ladies are the backbone of the Mermaid Seamen.\u00a0 Their combined street hockey resumes are staggering starting with the most OG beach hockey person around,\u00a0Haanwa C<\/b>, who helped lead the first landing party to OC a decade ago.\u00a0 There’s also Filthy’s Captain,\u00a0Danielle H<\/b>, mixed with a power collection of Lady Anklebiters that you most likely want to cover on the courts and avoid late night at the beach.\u00a0 No one embodies this sentiment more than\u00a0Caroline M-B<\/b>, who is joined by BTSH teammates\u00a0Amy<\/b>\u00a0D\u00a0<\/b>(three-time lady’s arm wrestling champ…and, yeah, all those painted banners),\u00a0Carrie R<\/b>\u00a0(former ROY),\u00a0Sarah M<\/b>\u00a0(say that last name), and\u00a0Coco<\/b>\u00a0(consistently and quietly one of the best ladies in BTSH, respect).<\/p>\n

On the men’s side there’s the man who made this all possible,\u00a0Worky J McParty<\/b>.\u00a0 He’s joined by some old blood and some new.\u00a0 First, the new.\u00a0\u00a0Andy M<\/b>\u00a0from the Rehabs – a rookie developing the reputation as a ‘bar guy’ while also playing well enough to not get thrown off the Habs…yet.\u00a0 He’s joined by a pair of Rainbows\u00a0Bryan L<\/b>\u00a0(the all-star game MVP with a hat trick) and Karl S (quickly earning the reputation as a ‘team first’ guy at the core of the new wave Rainbows, now taking BTSH by storm).<\/p>\n

As for the old guard there’s Gut Rot’s intrepid\u00a0Tommy C<\/b>\u00a0and the Seamen’s secret weapon (the sober goalie)\u00a0Jamie B<\/b>\u00a0of Gremlins fame.\u00a0 Add in a bunch of Anklebiter dudes and you’ve got yourself a squad: the aforementioned\u00a0Worky McParty<\/b>, league poster boy\u00a0Ben P<\/b>\u00a0(scores goals, throws parties),\u00a0Nicky G<\/b>\u00a0(the silent Italian),\u00a0Chris B<\/b>\u00a0(hands, wheels and smiles), and\u00a0Phil D<\/b>\u00a0(of Olympic party fame, 13 years as Anklebiter captain).<\/p>\n

Be careful on and off the courts (particularly with Caroline)…you may just have to swallow the se(a)men.<\/p>\n

Twin Dekes<\/strong><\/p>\n

Current status: beach’n.<\/p>\n

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Thank you Twin Dekes for showing us how to spell Cecil. You assholes couldn’t do it before we ordered our shirts??<\/p><\/div>\n

Sandy Cheeks<\/strong>
\nby C. Weaver<\/em><\/p>\n

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Sandy Cheeks?\u00a0 Who the hell are the Sandy Cheeks?\u00a0 Since most of this team has never been to Ocean City, or even played in BTSH, it\u2019s anyone\u2019s guess where the ceiling lies.\u00a0 The majority of the squad has earned their stripes with the Black Squirrels in Moffo, winning the most recent summer title.\u00a0 They are a very fast and defensively responsible unit, none more so than defensemen Eben Novy-Williams, though multiple sources report that he, quote: \u201cwould rather lose early and drink late.\u201d\u00a0 Campbell is in net, one year removed from a 0 win, but also 0 pukes-in-helmet Ocean City appearance.\u00a0 He\u2019s the only Weaver on this squad, though there are two other sibling pairs.\u00a0 Recent additions of two Dark Rainbows, Tia and Cat, round out a very strong female core, which also draws on talent outside the NYC ball hockey orbit.\u00a0 Finally there\u2019s Stu Tisdale, one of the few returning OCMD talents on the squad.\u00a0 There\u2019s little sense in trying to predict Stu\u2019s weekend, but there\u2019s no doubt he\u2019ll make the highlight reel, most likely off the court.\u00a0 All this adds up to a dark horse team with a penchant for boozing and beaching and an inexplicable affinity for Squirrels.<\/p>\n

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Thin Mints<\/strong>
\nby Roberts and Klion<\/em><\/p>\n

It\u2019s a slightly new look Thin Mints since the team\u2019s inaugural OCMD tournament last year. Same logo, now with sleeves – though Morgen promptly removed those and the shirt is already a crop top, quite the feat considering all of the shirts are still in Emily and Roberts\u2019 room. We\u2019ve made a vow to not party at an 11 like we did last year; it will instead be a highly structured 9.3 partying level.<\/span><\/p>\n

We wrote a dope ass preview last year, though a bit long for Rockoff. So in honor (on my honor?) of our favorite player\/agent who we will dearly miss this year, let\u2019s keep this short** with a few bullet points consistently of statements and questions.<\/span><\/p>\n

**This is only short compared to Frey\u2019s previews, and there won\u2019t be any betting lines. Sorry. There may be a poll though…<\/span><\/p>\n

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Rockoff is still making deals from Aussieland. Watch out, Spencer Strasmore.<\/p><\/div>\n