{"id":2229,"date":"2010-04-06T20:37:17","date_gmt":"2010-04-07T01:37:17","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.btsh.org\/bruise\/?p=2229"},"modified":"2010-04-06T20:37:17","modified_gmt":"2010-04-07T01:37:17","slug":"season-preview-corlears-hookers-3","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/season-preview-corlears-hookers-3\/","title":{"rendered":"Season Preview: Corlears Hookers"},"content":{"rendered":"

Jason Eitel, Not Actually Canadian<\/h4>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

Color:<\/strong> Purple
\nYear Founded:<\/strong> 2007
\n2009 Regular Season Finish:<\/strong> 14-3-1-2 (4th place)
\n2009 Playoff Result:<\/strong> Lost to Sky Fighters in semifinals
\nConference:<\/strong> Weyersberg
\nDivision:<\/strong> Rubens
\nHome Arena:<\/strong> Dutch Gardens
\n2009 Leading Scorer: <\/strong>Jason Eitel, 22 goals
\nKey Additions:<\/strong> None
\nKey Losses:<\/strong> Jock Paul (Indonesia), Reilly “Fake Dutch” Olson (Holland?)<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

After years of experimentation in the Corlears Hookers secret underground laboratories, team scientist Joshua “Doc” Sadlier-Brown made an amazing discovery.\u00a0 He had finally perfected the flux capacitor, enabling him to transform captain Peter “Purple Rain” Putka’s Range Rover into a time machine.\u00a0 As a result, whenever Putka exceeds\u00a0141.622272 kilometers per hour (88 mph), he can travel throughout the space-time continuum.<\/p>\n

In Putka’s first adventure, he and teammate Albert “Al” Huang traveled to the Old West to battle a famous outlaw.\u00a0 In another mission, Brendan “Dutch” Kearney and Gavin “Dutch’s Brother” Kearney\u00a0journeyed to 1955 Wisconsin to\u00a0ensure their parents get married, so they can be born.\u00a0 Jackie Spiegel and Danilo Biagioni also used the Delorean<\/span> Range Rover to witness the New York Mets’ next World Series apperance, which occurs in 2089.\u00a0 The Mets lose to the Long Island Happy Little Elves.<\/p>\n

Despite these fun escapades, Putka and “Doc” Sadlier-Brown also used the time machine to improve the Corlears Hookers.\u00a0 Using modern technology from the year 2052, they were able to install robotic body parts in all of the Hookers players.\u00a0\u00a0Because of\u00a0this transformation, the team will no longer pursue its “warm and fuzzy” marketing campaign of years past.\u00a0 Instead, the\u00a0Hookers will\u00a0rediscover\u00a0their roots as a group of cold and ruthless mercenaries hell bent on destroying everything in its path.\u00a0 Here is a marketing poster<\/a> from the team’s\u00a0new campaign featuring\u00a0Noelle “Slapshot” Safar and Jason Eitel.\u00a0<\/p>\n

Professional Wrestler They Closely Resemble:<\/strong> Triple H<\/a><\/em>. Not everyone likes or appreciates the way they compete, but there’s still no denying their obvious talent and main event status.
\nFast Fact:<\/strong> Before every game, Dustin “Fake Dutch’s Brother” Olson listens to his Rush compilation cassette to get pumped up.<\/p>\n

ROSTER<\/strong>
\nDanilo Biagioni
\nAshley Banfield
\nJason Eitel (A)
\nAmy Goegan
\nAlbert “Al” Huang
\nBrendan “Dutch” Kearney
\nGavin “Dutch’s Brother” Kearney
\nSarah Kramer
\nLibby Lewis
\nDustin “Fake Dutch’s Brother” Olson
\nLibby Pass
\nPeter “Purple Rain” Putka (C)
\nJoshua “Doc”\u00a0Sadlier-Brown (A)
\nNoelle “Slapshot” Safar
\nJesse Scolaro
\nAnshu Sinha
\nJackie Speigel
\nDan Thompson<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Jason Eitel, Not Actually Canadian Color: Purple Year Founded: 2007 2009 Regular Season Finish: 14-3-1-2 (4th place) 2009 Playoff Result: Lost to Sky Fighters in semifinals Conference: Weyersberg Division: Rubens Home Arena: Dutch Gardens 2009 Leading Scorer: Jason Eitel, 22 goals Key Additions: None Key Losses: Jock Paul (Indonesia), Reilly “Fake Dutch” Olson (Holland?)<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":5,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[136],"tags":[132,26,18],"class_list":["post-2229","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-2010-team-previews","tag-2010-season","tag-corlears-hookers","tag-team-previews"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2229"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/5"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2229"}],"version-history":[{"count":9,"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2229\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2593,"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2229\/revisions\/2593"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2229"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2229"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2229"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}