{"id":22441,"date":"2019-06-18T09:02:39","date_gmt":"2019-06-18T13:02:39","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.btsh.org\/bruise\/?p=22441"},"modified":"2019-06-18T09:04:16","modified_gmt":"2019-06-18T13:04:16","slug":"if-the-btsh-teams-attended-a-bachelorette-party","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/if-the-btsh-teams-attended-a-bachelorette-party\/","title":{"rendered":"If the BTSH Teams Attended A Bachelorette Party"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

By Jane of the Jungle<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

As we all know, the end of August marks the holy matrimony of Hockey and Beach. This realization, combined with the fact I recently attended a rowdy bachelorette party, has inspired me to write a hypothetical piece exploring the question \u201cwhat if the BTSH teams were attendees of a bachelorette party weekend?\u201d Enjoy! <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Anklebiters<\/strong> \u2013 Naturally, ever so naturally, Anklebiter is the one who planned this whole shindig. If you think organizing a weekend full of activities for a gaggle of drunk and opinionated party-goers is difficult\u2026. well you are CORRECT. Nevertheless Anklebiter persisted. She somehow managed to lock in a bangin\u2019 Airbnb with a pool (in the hippest neighborhood, no less), secure multiple dinner reservations for a group of 20+ girls, and hand paint (I said, HAND PAINT!) a pin-the-penis-on-the-groom banner. How does she manage to do it all? Like, seriously, how?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Fuzz<\/strong> \u2013 Fuzz is the one who wants to know who wants to work out with her in the morning? Does anyone want to hit a pre-brunch spin class? Go for a run? Maybe drop-in to a box? No? That\u2019s fine she\u2019ll just get a WOD in by herself. Afterwards, she\u2019s INSUFFERABLE at brunch telling people how she PR\u2019d her DL 1RM!!! Omg! On vacation no less! It\u2019s fine though because no one else at the table knows what a WOD or a DL 1RM PR even is. They\u2019ve all tuned her out. Eventually when she realizes no one is listening to her, she stops talking about her workout and focuses on the plate of eggs and bacon in front of her, because #gainz.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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Like Arnold, our girl Fuzz knows the importance of the Anabolic Window <\/figcaption><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n

Gut Rot<\/strong> \u2013 Gut Rot is the one that is seemingly always tequila drunk. Tequila Sunrises in the morning, Margaritas in the evening, just straight up tequila shots all throughout the day. It\u2019s impressive but kinda starting to concern the other party-goers. In addition to booze-hazing themselves and everyone around them, Gut Rot can also find you drugs. What do you need? Something to mellow you out? Rev you up? Make you dance? Whatever it is, Gut Rot somehow knows someone who can get you what you need. Me? I\u2019ll be needing a few Xanax if I\u2019m going to survive this weekend. Please and thank you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Poutine Machine<\/strong> \u2013 Poutine is the one that the bride-to-be met while she was studying abroad. Yes, sure, the BTB only lived in Montreal for about 4 months and that was 10 years ago but it was like reeeeally impactful and life changing, ok? Poutine is like, really important to her and one of her besssst friends, despite the fact they haven\u2019t actually seen each other in like, 7 years. Everyone was a little skeptical of this seemingly out-of-leftfield invite, but she wasted no time in charming everyone with her cute French-Canadian accent. Plus, Poutine kept icing people all weekend. Yeah, like Smirnoff ices. Tres bien!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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Serious question: does Poutine flavored Smirnoff rank above or below Pineapple?<\/figcaption><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n

What the Puck<\/strong> \u2013 WTP is the one with undeniably great hair. She\u2019ll be quick to lend you her curling iron and recommend a new dry shampoo, but watch out! She might also STEAL YO MAN. Sometime last year WTP made out with Gut Rot\u2019s then-boyfriend causing him to have a change of heart. You better believe that caused some DRA-MA between these long-time besties. Is that the reason Gut Rot has been in a tequila-fueled stupor all weekend? We may never know. What we do know is as long as WTP doesn\u2019t bring up how sweet and cute her new boyfriend is, the group may be able to avoid a what? A girl fight.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Sky Fighters<\/strong> \u2013 Sky Fighter is the one who flirts with EVERYONE. Ohmigosh she is SUCH a flirt. She\u2019s always got some hot new thang that she loves to brag about. But you know what? For all that flirting she can\u2019t seem to hold down a special someone. That doesn\u2019t seem to deter her though! All weekend she acts as the ringleader for all the other single ladies in the group. One night at the bar, just when Sky Fighter has charmed her way into a group of bachelors, Poutine swoops in and ices her! The bachelors find this hilarious and while Sky Fighter is mid-chug, Poutine dances away with the cutest guy. Doesn\u2019t really bother Sky Fighter though, she\u2019s already on to the next!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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Bye bye boys.<\/figcaption><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n

Demons<\/strong> \u2013 Demon is the one who wants to fight everyone after she drinks too much. Sober, she\u2019s sweet as pie. One might even say, the sweetheart of the group. But once she\u2019s had one too many she reveals her mean streak. One minute she\u2019s shooting the shit, talking sports, laughing at your jokes, and then the next thing you know she\u2019s in a blackout rage, threatening to punch you in the face and steal your dog! She wakes up the next morning, not remembering a thing she said to you and goes on to braid your hair and compliment your cute romper. Talk about whiplash!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Math<\/strong> \u2013 Math is the one who is pregnant. Yep, yep she\u2019s knocked up. And what\u2019s more, she\u2019s still breastfeeding baby #1! But that doesn\u2019t mean she can\u2019t still have fun!! Math naturally falls into the role of \u201cmom of the group\u201d, and damn this group desperately needs some mothering. Sure, Math has to leave the club early to pump and dump while FaceTiming her infant, but while she\u2019s back at the house she also bakes up some Totino\u2019s Pizza Roles. Bless her. As the rest of the girls stumble back into the Airbnb, Math is there to greet them with a breast pump in one hand and late night snackies in the other. Omg everyone loves Maaaath! Math you are our queeeen! <\/p>\n\n\n\n

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Imagine coming home to Math holding a plate of these babies. <\/figcaption><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n

Rehabs<\/strong> \u2013 Rehab is the one who likes to get a little drunk and kiss girls. This is because, well, Rehab is a lesbian. As the token lesbian of the group, all the other girls are verrrry curious. Their curiosity only grows as the alcohol intake increases. Rehab is cool as hell. She\u2019s super smart and good at sports and goes to music festivals. Her Instagram is perfect. At the end of the night, flirty Sky Fighter\u2019s curiosity gets the best of her and she is seen sneaking off with Rehab. I think they\u2019re headed to the pool for a skinny dip. Oh behave!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Hookers<\/strong> \u2013 Hooker is the bride\u2019s weird cousin with the polarizing political views. As long as she moderates her red wine intake, the group should be able to avoid the hot button topics. Hooker has known the bride her whole life, so of course she\u2019s invited to the bachelorette weekend. Heck! She\u2019s even in the wedding party. At dinner, she makes a really heart-felt toast that everyone seems to really enjoy but it rapidly turns into her weeping while singing \u201cGod Bless America\u201d. Wait, how much has she had to drink tonight? Who was watching her? Uh-oh. Cue wine-fueled-political rant.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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Live look at Hooker’s rapidly emptying wine glass.<\/figcaption><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n

Gremlins<\/strong> \u2013 Gremlin is the one who WON\u2019T. STOP. PARTYING. She is always the last one to leave the bar or club. Where does she get this boundless energy? It\u2019s truly mystifying to the other party-goers. She\u2019s got crazy stamina, great dance moves, and she\u2019s weirdly flexible. She manages to get up early to do her sunrise yoga even though she didn\u2019t get back to the house until 4AM. How does she operate on so little sleep? Apparently smelling salts. Smelling salts is how.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Filthier<\/strong> \u2013 Filthy is the one who is an Instagram influencer. She\u2019s the one who springs for bottle service at da club. She completely overpacked for a 3-day weekend. What does she even have in that massive toiletry bag? She has an opinion about every restaurant\/bar\/club that Anklebiter has lined up for the weekend. Everyone wants to hate Filthy because she is so dang perfect but she\u2019s actually really nice. Plus, she let you borrow some cute earrings and provided you with make-up remover wipes all weekend because you\u2019re a mess and forgot yours. Thanks for having your life together, Filthy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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Filthy is happy to give you a makeup remover wipe as long as you promise to like all her Instagram posts for all of eternity. A fair trade. <\/figcaption><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n

Fresh Kills<\/strong> \u2013 Fresh Kills is the one who keeps managing to not be at the table when the check comes. Oops! Can they just Venmo you later? Thanks. (You won\u2019t get that Venmo later). Ooh! Did someone buy a round of drinks? Awesome! Fresh Kills will totally buy the next round. (Fresh Kills will not buy the next round). Hah! Jokes on you. It\u2019s ok though. Fresh Kills is a total babe so she manages to get lots of free shots for the group throughout the weekend. She says it all kind of evens out and you just go with it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Riots<\/strong> \u2013 Riot is the social justice warrior of the group. While her crunchy tendencies may be hard to accommodate everyone still loves her because she is just so damn sweet. Anklebiter tried her hardest to make sure every restaurant this weekend had at least one gluten-free AND vegan menu option, but do you know how hard that is to find?! Riot never complains though, her only outburst this weekend comes after Hooker\u2019s red-wine-fueled political rants. After the weekend is over, she will invite you to no less than 10 activist groups on Facebook. It\u2019s the least you can do to join a few.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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Riot’s idea of cool bachelorette party favors. (Honestly, very cool.)<\/figcaption><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n

Butchers<\/strong> \u2013 Butcher is the one who can\u2019t get in the pool because she just got a new tattoo. Speaking of that\u2026 does anyone want to get a tattoo this weekend? Anyone? Butcher follows this really cool tattoo artist on Instagram and they might be able to fit us in! No? Ok. No worries. Butcher also knows the lead guitarist in a really cool indie band that happens to be in town tonight. Just in case the club isn\u2019t really your scene. Just, like, if you\u2019re interested. No pressure. No? Ok then, Butcher is just gonna go smoke a hand-rolled joint and help Riot recycle the Smirnoff bottles that lay in everyone\u2019s wake.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Cobra Kai<\/strong> \u2013 Cobra Kai is the one who got everyone matching \u201cshe\u2019s getting married, so we\u2019re gEtTiNg DrUnK\u201d T-shirts. She also went buckwild ordering a TON of bach party swag off of Amazon. Temp tattoos, sweatbands, and of course, penis straws (bio-degradable penis straws that is, lest Riot get her panties in a bunch). Perhaps CK is pouring so much energy into party favors because she\u2019s still reeling from her boyfriend abruptly breaking up with her to take a job in Boston. Ugh, sad! But you know what? CK is taking it all in stride and she is single and ready to mingleeee. And with this bunch as her wing-women, she\u2019s bound to get laid. Get it, girl.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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Not pictured: Penis paraphernalia. <\/figcaption><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n

Rainbows<\/strong> \u2013 Rainbow is the one who just wants everyone to get along! She\u2019s the one who set up the group text and the shared iCloud album and the group Spotify playlist. She keeps morale high throughout the whole weekend. Rainbow just went through a bit of a rough patch herself last year and has come out the other side! Yas girl! She knows just what to say to everyone to make them feel great about themselves. How does she always know what to say? You definitely want to get the name of her therapist before the weekend is over.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

LBS<\/strong> \u2013 LBS is the one who still hasn\u2019t paid for the Airbnb. Even though Anklebiter made the reservation MONTHS ago, and everyone else is all paid up, somehow LBS has managed to crash the party without forking over the dough. Similar to Hooker, LBS is a bridesmaid\/long-time friend of the bride so everyone lets it slide. Plus, LBS knows how to bring the ENERGY. She\u2019s great to party with. However, if she doesn\u2019t pay up by the end of this weekend, Anklebiter will definitely shake her down at the wedding. Tbh I\u2019m kind of looking forward to that.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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LBS’s answer: “I don’t want to pay for this trip.”<\/figcaption><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n

Megatouch<\/strong> \u2013 Megatouch is the golden girl. Not in the sense that she\u2019s old, but in the sense that she\u2019s like, really good at everything she does. She was valedictorian, she went to an Ivy League school, was the captain of multiple sports teams, has an awesome job, a cute husband, the list goes on. Megatouch? More like MIDAS touch. Everything she does is pure gold. Despite all her accolades, the girl is HUMBLE. How the heck does she do it? Please teach me your ways Megatouch.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Karma<\/strong> \u2013 Karma is the one that hires a tarot card reader. While pre-gaming at the Airbnb, the girls hear a knock on the door. A shawled and bejeweled man wearing a turban walks in and immediately starts setting up shop. Just when the girls think that they\u2019re about to learn their future, \u201cPony\u201d by Ginuwine starts playing! Plot twist! IT\u2019S A MALE STRIPPER! Everyone is amazed as Karma whips out a wad of singles and starts throwing them about, gyrating with the man who has shed his shawl but kept on the turban (hey, doesn\u2019t he kinda look like a Hemsworth brother?). That was an unexpected, but very welcomed turn of events. Leave it to Karma to shake things up!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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The full body pic was NSFW.<\/figcaption><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n

And there you have it folks! I hope you had as much fun reading as I did writing, but let\u2019s remember that neither of us had as much fun as the BTSH teams did at this hypothetical bachelorette party! Cheers!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

By Jane of the Jungle As we all know, the end of August marks the holy matrimony of Hockey and Beach. This realization, combined with the fact I recently attended a rowdy bachelorette party, has inspired me to write a hypothetical piece exploring the question \u201cwhat if the BTSH teams were attendees of a bachelorette […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":6355,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-22441","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-league-info"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/22441"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/6355"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=22441"}],"version-history":[{"count":16,"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/22441\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":22467,"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/22441\/revisions\/22467"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=22441"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=22441"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=22441"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}