{"id":23132,"date":"2019-08-09T08:42:34","date_gmt":"2019-08-09T12:42:34","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.btsh.org\/bruise\/?p=23132"},"modified":"2019-08-09T10:58:47","modified_gmt":"2019-08-09T14:58:47","slug":"week-13-previews-sunday-11-august-2019","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/week-13-previews-sunday-11-august-2019\/","title":{"rendered":"Week 13 Previews: Sunday, 11 August 2019"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

Breaking news!\u00a0 The DNC came across a very well-read website and started asking: what is this league and why is their media so much better than CNN and MSNBC\u2019s, being able to draw at least 100 article views per story?\u00a0 By their own bylaws, the DNC had to disclose to each of the 2020 Democratic Presidential candidates of their inquiry into BTSH.org\u2019s media strategy and viewership. And, within 7-8 minutes, the BTSH Media\u2019s inboxes were swamped by every candidate\u2019s team wrangling for endorsements.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

By Sam N0rr!s<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Bill de Blasio\u2019s Rehabs v Gouging Anklebiters endorsed by Amy Klobuchar<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

1:00 pm EAST<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cHi, I\u2019m Bill de Blasio, and nobody really likes me.  People always say, just drop out of the race and leave us all alone, like the team I endorsed, but look what I\u2019ve done to NYC\u2019s scene.  I\u2019ve pissed off the police, act as a democrat, but use developers to build up areas of Brooklyn that are perfectly fine, so that we can continue making more parts of NYC unaffordable.  But you know who\u2019s really killing the American Dream? Amy Klobuchar. She looks like one of those disgruntled PTA mothers saying that they can\u2019t afford to keep sending her kids on the MTA to host bake sales for their public school teachers\u2019 supplies because we keep raising the subway fares.  It\u2019s Cuomo who\u2019s at fault with all of this, not me! Not me! If I see that bitch on the courts, I\u2019m going to ram my team\u2019s hockey sticks down her throat so far, she\u2019s going to wish she had Beto O\u2019Rourke\u2019s neck to stomach the blows. Then I\u2019ll pee in her eyes like I do to the poor of this city.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI am Amy Klobuchar and a representative of the Biters, and I take offense at Bill\u2019s words.  You may not know me, but I take pride in looking like a PTA mother, which is why I endorsed the Anklebiters.  They have so many strong mothers on their team that are going to rip Bill de Blasio\u2019s band of boners through and through.  And that Probie guy. And that Andy guy. And that Phil guy, and, ohh\u2026 Derho guy\u2026 My little PTA buns tremble when I see that Derho guy\u2026 We\u2019re probably of the same nationality because no one knows how to say either of our names.  He can call me \u2018Klo\u2019 and I\u2019ll call him \u2018ho\u2019, and we\u2019ll be doing the Minnesotan Twirl before\u2026 [inaudibly, jubilant murmurs]\u2026 Well, I lose track of what I was going to say because I am not really qualified to run either, but looking to get a seat somewhere in the White House or the social committee.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Klobuchar starts off strong, going a few percentage points up between the polls, but the NYC Developers fight back, tie it up, and this race goes into a shootout!  Bill de Blasio and the Rehabs win because Craig sucks a fat one.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n

Instant Karma v Mega Touch: Pete Buttigieg has not endorsed either team and is waiting to see who will win before endorsing one of these teams <\/strong>\t<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

1:00 pm WEST<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cLet me start off by saying that I represent a city that is both red and blue.  South Bend, Indiana, is just like Karma and Touch. I can\u2019t wait for people to notice me and jump on better team.  I come from a place where many people think in many different ways. You have the Tuckmans, who shower their kids with love, an absolutely amazing children\u2019s dream basement, name their kids after their favorite Vodka, and I think are Jewish, so they\u2019re probably blue state people.  You have that married couple on Instant Karma, who are very good looking, seemingly have no problems of their own, and so likely vote Republican. This is our America. I do not know who is going to win this game, but I will endorse whoever does. Whichever team I end up endorsing, will also likely have the same fate as me.  I will finish #1 in the Schlitz or number #4-6 in the final polls. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

If I had to hypothesize who I will be endorsing, I am going Karma, though it\u2019ll be a close one.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Cory Booker\u2019s Band of Jersey Boys (Fuzz) v The Yang Gang\u2019s Mathematicians     <\/strong>\t<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

2:15 pm EAST<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI am Cory Booker, and I am generally a happy guy.  I don\u2019t like to talk negatively about anybody or run around the gossip mill, which is why I was first apprehensive about endorsing a team with a certain person on the team.  As a Senator of the great state of New Jersey, we pride ourselves on being just slightly better<\/em> than the people of Long Island.  Suffice it to say, I ended up endorsing this team because so many people on this team live in my state, which balances out my original apprehensions of Rich Glanzer: you need losers to have winners.  I realize that\u2019s why he\u2019s on the team.   <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"<\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n

We have done a great deal to keep people from Long Island out of New Jersey, but, at the same time, we need to generate out-of-state person\u2019s tax revenues by attracting these degenerates to the casinos in Atlantic City.  And we also need money from Big Pharma, but my memory if they gave me any campaign money is a bit fuzzy. But let me be clear, not all people from Long Island are cockroaches. Take Lois Glanzer, for example. She\u2019s the shining example of why I support a woman\u2019s right to choose\u2026  But having said that, even great people like Lois make mistakes…\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Yang: \u201cI have made technology and mathematics a central pillar of my campaign.  You can follow any of my handles #YangGang #MathBath #LGMath #10ReasonsWhyRichSucks #TurnsOutThereAre20ReasonsWhyRichSucks #TurnsOutThereAreEvenMoreThan20 #FocusOnMathNotWrestling #ThatIncludesYouEli\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n[debate moderator]: Okay, that\u2019s time. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Yang: \u201cWhy am I finished? You only gave me 15 seconds and I\u2019m still twitter handling.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n[debate moderator]: \u201cIt doesn\u2019t matter, you know how Booker always stick checks or calls time during your handling when it matters.  And, neither of you are making it to the final debate stage anyways, so just have fun, which was sometimes an issue for that one guy on Math because Rich sucks so much.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Booker and Yang spar it out evenly on the stage because someone decided to take a vacation to Minnesota.  The team with the least creative name wins. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Nobody actually knows which team that refers to.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Tompkins Square Riots endorsed by Elizabeth Warren v Poutine Machine endorsed by John Delaney<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

2:15 pm WEST<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

 Warren: \u201cIf I could make one thing clear. One thing.  Don\u2019t fuck with Amy Jones, Suz, or any of those other women on my endorsed team.  I think I am literally going to do what Amy Jones says and rip Trump\u2019s cock off and adorn it to his forehead.  That\u2019s how he acts, so that\u2019s where it goes. Now, I am also going to say something controversial. I believe in science.  And a machine made out of poutine is not a thing. Science relies on repeatable experiments and observations. I have never once gotten a consistent poutine anywhere in NYC.  Sometimes they come out too hot and spicy and to fight your every single entrail, other times they\u2019re too gooey with cheese and it\u2019s like you\u2019re playing with a bunch of goobers.  But. I am also going to say another thing controversial. This week, I also believe in religion and miracles. Because. Because we\u2019re really going to need one to beat Poutine Machine this week.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

John Delaney: \u201cYep, that\u2019s right.  I first chose to endorse this team.  I\u2019m that guy who looks like I used to drink 15 beers a day at a frat bar, and I want to relive those memories.  I also love dishing out beef to the good guys. I\u2019m pretty much super moderate. Just like Poutine. Do I have a chance to get to the final 4 or 8 candidates like Poutine always does?  Maybe. Will I be a nuisance the entire time when there are 20 of us battling it out? You can count on it!”<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Fresh Kills endorsed by Joe Biden v Corlears Hookers endorsed by Tulsi Gabbard, which was first rejected by Cronauer; then overruled by Jackie; endorsement rejected by Cronauer again, but Tiffany and Sarah threaten to leave the team; Cronauer concedes, cites The Art of the Deal, how he\u2019s a good negotiator, and that this was all for sport; girls on Hookers roll their eyes; Cronauer goes to his room and beats off to Tulsi Gabbard<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

3:30 pm EAST<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cHi, I am the guy who can defeat Donald Trump.  Which is why so many teams support me when I am in the finals going head to head against him.  Nobody usually likes the other teams in the finals, except the Fresh Kills. They\u2019re just like me.  Getting old. Some say senile. Others say \u201cgood looking\u201d, but they\u2019re also old and already senile in a nursing home, thinking I\u2019m Bob Barker.  Well I say to hell with them! I\u2019ve spent many years fighting for what we Democrats believe in. Fair and balanced elections. No outside help or poaching of other talent, just like the Fresh Kills.  We build our own team, and we\u2019ll do quite damn good. We win, and we will win often. With class. Though, I am old and senile\u2026 Wait, what did I just say? Our game is at three\u2026 oh\u2026 three\u2026 oh\u2026 thirty?  Ohh\u2026 I don\u2019t know the difference between these dang texting numbers and an email address\u2026<\/a>  But I\u2019ll be there or on that final Dem debate stage.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Tulsi Gabbard: \u201cSurrounding the controversy of my endorsement, I am no longer endorsing this team.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Biden stumbles a few times on the court, Hookers capitalize, but they come up short because the Kills\u2019 staples stay as strong as Biden\u2019s financial backers.  Kills: 3-1.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Denim Demons endorsed by Steve Bullock v Sky Fighters endorsed by Julian Castro<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

3:30 pm WEST<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cHi, I\u2019m Steve Bullock.  You might not know who I am, and you probably wished you didn\u2019t know who the Denim Demons were either\u2026 I am endorsing this team quite simply for one reason.  I did political stuff in Montana and know about hockey, but endorsing because I am from Montana and have never met a Jew.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cJust as eloquent as Steve put it — nobody knows me.  Just like the new Sky Fighters team. And nobody is going to know about me in a few months.\u201d  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Game goes into overtime.  If the Rosens show up, game winner is scored by one of them.  Notable game incidents: Infanti laughs a few times.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Gut Rot endorsed by Kamala Harris v Gremlins endorsed by Bernie Sanders       <\/strong>\t<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

4:45 pm EAST<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Bernie: \u201cYou know what make the Gremlins great?  It\u2019s their team. It\u2019s their team. Because they partake in the great tradition of mutual cooperation, everyone plays their fair share, and they are tough on trade: they rarely let a ball go into one part of their net without putting a ball into the other net.  But, let me be clear. Not all of the Gremlins play their fair share. Let me be very clear here: John W plays millions and millions of minutes, but pays the same yearly roster fee as every other Gremlin. Now, that\u2019s just wrong. He is the 1%. Some might even say… the 1% of the 1%.  If the Gremlins want to do well, they need to follow their roots. Do you know how, if I may add, the Gremlin car and movie was made that is so famously on their uniforms? Not those little creature gnome things on that one jersey — I don\u2019t know what those are, but the cars and the movies.  Unions. The automotive unions. The movie unions. Okay, okay, turns out that is not a great example. That was a terrible car. But the BTSH goalie union. Jamie is a part of it. It protects him from extreme heat, and in turn, he protects this team from losing games they should sometimes lose by 5 points.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"<\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n

Kamala: \u201cHave you ever seen Gut Rot?  I mean, taken a real good look. I have.  When I was AG of California, I was surrounded by Gut Rot in the court room.  We were defending them. Larry used to always get vagrancy tickets because his loose hair.  His brother, always getting noise violations because his record company. Kellie, just general mischief charges because of her cool tattoos.  Dan P, their co-captain, needed asylum and safety shelter for looking like Steve Bannon. I could go on, and I will. Liza, for dressing up like the Marvel comic lady, I actually think called Marvel Girl, and soliciting donations for photos, but only being sexually solicited by a sleeveless bald guy wearing a Mets ball cap.  This is the picture of BTSH and America, and I am proud to have had the opportunity to defend them because this is literally what they do on and off the court.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"<\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n

Bernie pounces on Harris and eventually converts all of her following to his, winning 6-1.  Both Gremlins and Gut Rot don\u2019t notice or care because it\u2019s just a street hockey endorsement and game.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

LBS, Inc. endorsed by Tim Ryan v Butchers endorsed by Marianne Williamson   <\/strong>\t<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

4:45 pm WEST<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Tim Ryan, but with a cheesy mustache: “Hi, my name is Mr. Nayr… yes, that will do nicely…I think we should invest the surplus BTSH money right into LBS after I have this drink!”<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Williamson\/Georgine\u2019s voice: “I like the way this Nayr<\/em> thinks!”<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Depending on Marianne\u2019s fanbase, which apparently was 5 and 5 FA supporters last week, Tim Ryan\u2019s team takes the cake and wins 4-2.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

What the Puck endorsed by Jay Inslee v Dark Rainbows endorsed by Kirsten Gillibrand  <\/strong>\t<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

6:00 pm EAST<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Jay Inslee: \u201cHonestly, I don\u2019t expect much out of this election like WTP probably expects for their season.  Just a few good lays. That\u2019s all. I endorsed this team because if Trump wins 2020, half of them are going to be my neighbors again in Vancouver.  That one rocker with long hair, though, he\u2019s probably 100% down with my climate change movement. I hope the name of his band was intended to be ironic, though, given my climate change platform…\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Kirsten Gillibrand: \u201cI endorsed the Dark Rainbows because just like me, sometimes I have good debates, and other times they go absolutely awry.  I am also like a dark rainbow. Since I represent NY, people think I\u2019m all sunshine, transparent, and liberal like rainbows suggest. But also, I\u2019m only here because of all sorts of dark money because that\u2019s how NY politics work.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Inslee and Gillibrand battle it out.  Gillibrand has home state advantages and pulls a few tricks late in the game, edging out a 3-2 win.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Filthier refuses John Hickenlooper\u2019s endorsement, has tea with Chelsea Clinton instead v Cobra Kai endorsed by Beto O\u2019Rourke <\/strong>\t<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

6:00 pm WEST<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

John Hickenlooper\u2019s statement: \u201cThis Filthier team rejected me.  I don\u2019t get it. I am about to drop out of the race, just as so many of their talented players have slowly dropped out of the league and moved to Canada.  I thought this endorsement was as perfect as James and Ann\u2026 They remind me of a young Bill and Hillary. Wait a minute. I am just going to move to Canada.  Those original Filthier players had it right the whole time.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"<\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n

Beto: \u201cI know how it feels to lose in the final push.  I did against Cruz. They did against Fuzz. The only difference is that Cruz is somehow cooler than Fuzz.  Which is why I proudly endorse Cobra Kai as my BTSH team. When you have front teeth as big as Russell\u2019s ego, then you\u2019re in good hands.  When you stick your giant neck out, like some of Cobra Kai\u2019s defensive sticks to other team\u2019s groins, then you\u2019re going to win. That\u2019s exactly what I did to Ted Cruz, we came up short, but there is a lot of hope for this team this year and in future years.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Filthier and Cobra Kai have a tied game at 1-1 for much of the game, just like these candidates polling percentage numbers.  Whoever has more players wins this game.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Breaking news!\u00a0 The DNC came across a very well-read website and started asking: what is this league and why is their media so much better than CNN and MSNBC\u2019s, being able to draw at least 100 article views per story?\u00a0 By their own bylaws, the DNC had to disclose to each of the 2020 Democratic […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":6355,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-23132","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-league-info"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/23132"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/6355"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=23132"}],"version-history":[{"count":8,"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/23132\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":23145,"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/23132\/revisions\/23145"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=23132"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=23132"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=23132"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}