{"id":26177,"date":"2020-04-10T08:18:28","date_gmt":"2020-04-10T12:18:28","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.btsh.org\/bruise\/?p=26177"},"modified":"2020-04-10T08:18:30","modified_gmt":"2020-04-10T12:18:30","slug":"btsh-bodega-battle","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/btsh-bodega-battle\/","title":{"rendered":"BTSH Bodega Battle"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

By Jess and Russo<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

With the cancellation of sports (RIP March Madness) we wanted to give the degenerate gamblers of the league and those who miss the post-game hang outs the one thing that unites us all: a trip to the bodega before\/after a game. Before we all know it, we\u2019ll be back to frequenting the 7-Eleven and other corner stores around the park but for now, leave your opinions at the door and adopt ours as the only correct ones. You may fight it out in the comments.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"<\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n

Non-alcoholic beverages<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

QUARTER FINALS<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Red Bull<\/strong> This was like 90\u2019s\/early 2000\u2019s crack that my 8 year old brain couldn\u2019t wrap her head around. And now that I\u2019m a fully-fledged adult, I can confirm it\u2019s amazing when you need something short of a defibrillator but with more kick than coffee. Maybe you\u2019ve had a rough night and need something to take the edge off in the morning. Maybe your 2nd hangover is kicking in right when you get to the courts. You reach for a RedBull not because you want to, but because you need to or players like Glanzer will be kicking your ass up and down the court.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

VS<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Gatorade<\/strong> (Light Blue duh) First of all let\u2019s get one thing straight: Gatorade is referred to by color and not<\/em> flavor otherwise you\u2019re a huge narc. Ah, Gatorade. It\u2019s crisp, it\u2019s light, it\u2019s delicious. The OG pedialyte. You drank this since 1st grade soccer practice and now you drink it as a grown ass adult chasing a ball around a blacktop. Whether you\u2019re hungover, dehydrated or feeling tired, this bev has what you need to feel better with no crash later and that is why it will always be a timeless classic, a tried and true choice.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Winner: Gatorade<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Essentia Electrolyte Water<\/strong> This shit is like the purest water ever. Oh, all water is alike? That\u2019s where YOU\u2019RE WRONG. Maybe she\u2019s incredibly hungover, maybe it\u2019s the placebo effect, but when push comes to shove this water \u201chits different\u201d as the kids on TikTok say (@ SBJ can you confirm, thanks). This fancy water is like the Gatorade equivalent of water.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

VS<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Kombucha<\/strong> I had kombucha one time when I was in Portland, Oregon and honestly, it wasn\u2019t that bad. You can even get buzzed if you drink enough. (I realize I\u2019ve been making a lot of alcohol references and that is in no way pandering to our league.) But it\u2019s good for your gut health and it\u2019s tasty! It\u2019s like…healthy soda. Shout out to Mia for always having some on hand. If I\u2019m being honest, I can only justify shelling out a few extra dollars for Kombucha. Why would I drop 3 sweet extra dollars on fancy water when I could be spending it on pizza or a crispy rolling rock at Doc Holiday\u2019s.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Winner: Kombucha <\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Coke<\/strong> The battle of the hangover remedies. In the red corner, Coca Cola. 12 fluid ounces of pure carbonated water, sugar, caffeine, and Columbian Bam Bam (Jk, they don\u2019t use booger sugar anymore\u2014just coca leaf extract).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

VS<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Pedialyte<\/strong> And in the other corner, the ultimate 180 brand turnaround. Originally designed for baby-wabys with explosive diarrhea, the youth of america gave it the ol\u2019 college try and figured out all those bootiful electrolytes are great at aiding hangovers. Now available in Orange Breeze.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Two go in, one comes out. The winner by unanimous decision (aka me, Jess, and the peanut gallery: Scotty) Coke. America\u2019s soda brand. Nice try Pedialyte, but include more polar bears in your Christmas marketing next time\u2014kids love that shit.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Winner: Coke<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

AriZona (Lemon) Iced Tea<\/strong> Most people grab a Snapple when they\u2019re jonesing for an iced tea. Those people would be wrong. I too once believed that Snapple was the superior iced tea, with their fun facts on the cap and unique name for their product. But you know what I want in an iced tea? A tea that tastes like the great state of Arizona. I mean, brewed right in the heart of Tucson\u2014wait, what?!?\u201d \u201cDon Vultaggio (Founder and Chairman) was actually trying to find a name as distinctive as \u2018Snapple,\u2019 and chose Arizona after looking at a map and remembering his uncle moved there for his asthma.\u201d (Gothamist.com<\/a>)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Ok…moving on.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

VS<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Nesquik (Chocolate)<\/strong> I love the Nesquik rabbit. He (I assume it\u2019s a guy, but I\u2019m no vet) always seemed like a cooler version of the Trix Rabbit. And a Nesquik chocolate milk and an egg bagel with cream cheese takes me back to simpler times as a kid. But we\u2019re not kids anymore. You know what chocolate milk and cream cheese does to me now? It has me reaching for some Pedialyte (please see above bodega battle for context). For the sake of my bowels, AriZona wins.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Winner: AriZona<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

SEMI FINALS<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Gatorade vs AriZona: AriZona doesn\u2019t come in Light Blue. When it does, we can revisit.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Winner: Gatorade<\/strong> <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Kombucha vs Coke: Last time I checked, this is \u2018Merica. And in \u2018Merica, we drive Ford trucks, eat apple pie, and drink Coca Cola.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Winner: Coke<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Non-alcoholic beverages FINALS<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Gatorade vs Coke: Two great drinks, but if it comes down to which would you rather have pre-, during, and\/or post-BTSH, Gatorade\u2019s the clear winner.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Winner: Gatorade<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"<\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n

Cheap beer<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

QUARTER FINALS<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Miller Lite<\/strong> If I was inviting Miller Lite to a day drink at my house he\u2019d show up on time-ish, with two 30\u2019s and maybe some chips. Overall nice dude who likes to party, unlike that asshole, Bud Light. You probably reach for Miller Lite more often than you think. It\u2019s a classier and tastier alternative to Bud Light<\/p>\n\n\n\n

VS<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Rolling Rock<\/strong> If you think I\u2019m going to be biased towards The Best Beer On The Planet and undercut my journalistic integrity then you are absolutely right. I can\u2019t for the life of me understand why you people don\u2019t like this beer. It\u2019s crisp! It\u2019s refreshing! It\u2019s $3 at Doc Holiday\u2019s! You can drink 20 and lightly black out and feel like a GOD. But I got outvoted on this so stupid Miller Lite wins<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Winner: Miller Lite<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

White Claw<\/strong> Editor (Jess) Note: Both of these drinks are abominations. Before Matt writes this part, I just want to say I weep for gen Z <\/s>Poutine when they read this.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Moving on. I was on the White Claw bandwagon Summer \u201817. I cracked my first Black Cherry pregaming for Boardy Barn, and it was pure bliss. Wait, an alternative-to-beer, 100-calorie drank available in all the fruity flavors I usually choose for Pixie Stix? Well bend me over a barrel and show me the 50 states, I\u2019m in you son of a bitch.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

VS<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Bud Light<\/strong>\u201cIf only, if only the woodpecker sighs…\u201d <\/em>White Claws weren\u2019t going up against Bud Light in this round. This is North Carolina vs. Duke. MIchigan vs. Ohio State. BTSHers vs. Skateboarders (formerly). If White Claw wasn\u2019t going against the Mack Daddy of all light beer, this might be a runaway. But tough luck, they opened up a can of whoop-ass they can\u2019t close and they\u2019re getting the bull. Bud Light crushes this wave and surfs out to the next round.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Winner: Bud Light<\/strong>  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Modelo<\/strong> You know what Modelo translates to in English? Model. Yeah, I looked it up to be sure. And that\u2019s exactly what you\u2019re getting when you pick up a 12er to sip courtside. Light blue box, bold black lettering, and a gold trim to boot. If I didn\u2019t Google Translate it, I\u2019d think Modelo meant Salma Hayek.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

VS<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Tecate<\/strong> Featured prominently on a can of Tecate is a variant of the eagle from the Mexican flag. In my opinion, one of the coolest flags that exists. There\u2019s an eagle eating a serpent on a cactus. Right up there with the flag of Mozambique (which has an AK-47 on it). But enough flag porn. Points for the eagle and how inexpensive the beer is at a bar. Points against for tasting like a soggy jockstrap.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Winner: Modelo<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Heineken<\/strong> Gonna be honest, I think Heineken smells and tastes like pee. How I know that is not important. They typically tend to only be found in glass sixers, making them not so court friendly. To me, Heineken is so unimportant that I even skipped going to the brewery in Amsterdam.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

VS<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Coors Light<\/strong> Coors is everyone\u2019s backup. It\u2019s never what you exactly wanted but it still does the job. Also, the little mountains appearing on the can when it\u2019s cold is genius. And Coors Field in Denver is pretty sick. You know what, as I\u2019m writing this I\u2019ve changed my mind. Coors is great. Coors is for nice people who like to party and not drink alcohol that smells like pee.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Winner: Coors Light<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

SEMI FINALS<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Miller Lite vs Bud Light: Bud Light is the beer of the people, a beer for community, togetherness, and friendship. Bud Latte FOR THE WIN!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Winner: Bud Light<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Modelo vs Coors: Last time I checked, this is \u2018Merica. Shit, I already used that one. Editors\u2019 decision\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Winner: Coors Light<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Cheap Beer FINALS<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Coors Light vs Bud Light: The Silver Bullet vs. The Blue Smoothie. After a decent debate amongst us, the winner is *rap air horns blasting* B-U-D L-I-G-H-T. It just feels right.  *the author is offended rolling rock was not included.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Winner: Bud Light<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"<\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n

Savory Snacks<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

QUARTER FINALS<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Cheetos<\/strong> As someone who went 23 years of their life without eating Cheetos, I can confidently say these things are the best. The variety of flavors, and textures are great. Although similar to Doritos, it\u2019s easier to avoid the dreadful dust on your fingers.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

VS<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Lays Chips<\/strong> A budget-friendly alternative and something a little light to tide you over before you go in on a pizza or burrito, these are a quick hit snack. Unfortunately that\u2019s all they\u2019re really good for and I would not willingly stock my house with these as a ~fun snack~.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Winner: Cheetos<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Jack Link\u2019s<\/strong> \u201cFeed Your Wild Side\u201d. Enough said. The jerky can taste like a baseball glove, but if it has Sasquatch in the commercials and a slogan like that, I\u2019m buying it. Plus it\u2019s kinda healthy, right?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

VS<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Fritos<\/strong> The original Corn Chip. Is it corn? Is it a chip? Yeah, it\u2019s a chip. Difficult to describe the tastes of flavored salt, but that\u2019s pretty much what a Frito is. Let me walk you through every person\u2019s experience when eating Fritos. First Frito: \u201cHmm, I forgot what these tasted like.\u201d Second Frito: \u201cYeah, these are great.\u201d 376th Frito: \u201cOk, that\u2019s enough. Can\u2019t wait to have these again in 2027.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Winner: Jack Link\u2019s<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Snyder\u2019s Pretzels<\/strong> This goes out to any mini pretzel, really. If you\u2019re craving something salty and paper-thin chips won\u2019t do it, pretzels are always there for you. That satisfying snap, the right amount of salt. Pretzels are an OG elementary school snack for a reason.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

VS<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Doritos Cool Ranch<\/strong> Do you want to be licking Doritos powder off a hand that was just inside of a hockey glove? Didn\u2019t think so. NEXT.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Winner: Snyder\u2019s Pretzels<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Entemann\u2019s Pop\u2018ems Glazed Doughnut Holes<\/strong> Ask yourself this: have you ever been able to stop yourself at 1 or 2 of these? Of course not. They\u2019re willpower-bendingly delicious. Aptly named, you could pop them in your mouth until the entire box is gone.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

VS<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Cheez-Its<\/strong> Another snack I\u2019m sure many of us have a hard time controlling ourselves with. If you don\u2019t feel like a power bar, don\u2019t want a full meal but are hungry post game, these tend to hit the spot.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Winner: Pop\u2018ems<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

SEMI FINALS<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Cheetos vs Jack Link\u2019s: Cheesy goodness against flavory and savory meat. Cheetos win this one for their weird styrofoam consistency and powerful cheesetastic punch.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Winner: Cheetos<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Snyders Pretzels vs Pop\u2018ems: As good as pretzels are, you can rarely eat a whole bag in one sitting. With  Pop\u2018ems, you\u2019re at least<\/em> eating one box per sitting.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Winner: Pop\u2019ems<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Savory Snacks FINALS<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Cheetos vs Pop\u2018ems: Two harcore nostolgia-invoking snacks. And while Cheetos are great, there are other cheezy, salty snacks out there. But whether you\u2019re sober, drunk or stoned, you know you can\u2019t help yourself when you indulge in the one and only Pop\u2019ems.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Winner: Pop\u2018ems <\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"<\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n

Sweet Snacks<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

QUARTER FINALS<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

VS<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Haribo Gummy Bears<\/strong> Actually called Golden-Bears on the bag. But, pssh, who has time to read the bag when you\u2019re too busy devouring and decapitating these adorable little bears\/putting them in sexual positions.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"<\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n

Just me? Got it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Winner: Trolli Sour Brite Crawlers<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Kit Kat<\/strong> Both of these are such classics, but Kit Kat has the edge with that amazingly satisfying crunch. Plus, their early advertising was iconic. PLUS there\u2019s no better tool to decipher who is a psychopath than by seeing how someone eats one. If you don\u2019t dismantle it chocolate brick by chocolate brick and bite into the entire thing like some sort of heathen, something is very wrong with you<\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

VS<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Hershey Bar<\/strong> Don\u2019t get me wrong, Hershey was one of the OG candy bars, but now that market is saturated. When was the last time anyone said \u201cGee, I\u2019m really craving a Hershey Bar right about now\u201d (besides Walker in 1945). It\u2019s still great on s\u2019mores and giving them out on Halloween makes you \u2018The Cool House\u2019 but you know what\u2019s even cooler? Giving out Kit Kats.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Winner: Kit Kat<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Reese\u2019s<\/strong> Honestly, I\u2019ve got no skin in the game as I don\u2019t particularly like the combination of chocolate and peanut butter but much like Fox News, I am here for some FAIR and BALANCED journalism. Reese\u2019s are a classic. But as someone who partakes in peanut butter, the \u2018peanut butter\u2019 in a Reeses is too sugary and granulated or too liquid and sickly sweet. I get it, it\u2019s candy but do better, Reese\u2019s.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

VS<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Snickers<\/strong> Probably some of the best in modern advertising campaigns (You\u2019re not you when you\u2019re hungry), Snickers is actually kind of satisfying. I\u2019m not saying go use one as a full on meal replacement but if you want to eat something that actually resembles peanut butter, Snickers is the clear winner. Plus adding caramel? Genius.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Winner: Snickers<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Sour Patch Watermelon<\/strong> These are the shiiiit. You can eat them like you would a real watermelon slice, or eat them like a normal person in one bite. Not only a great bodega snack, but also a top movie snack up there with Buncha Crunch and Twizzlers.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

VS<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Sour Punch Blue Raspberry Straws<\/strong> Blue Raspberry is the best artificial fruit flavor in the world. If you disagree, please address all complaints to youarewrong@gmail.com. Not only are Sour Straws the most commonly found candy wrapper you\u2019ll see on the ground walking around NYC, but rumor has it, if you use it as a straw while drinking Mountain Dew, your eyes will melt and you\u2019ll grow hair on the bottom of your feet.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Winner: Sour Punch Straw<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

SEMI FINALS<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Trolli vs Kit Kat: Not every chocolate person likes sickly sweet milk chocolate. But every gummy person likes sickly sweet sour gummies.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Winner: Trolli<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Snickers vs Sour Punch: While Snickers is a 360 degree candy bar, Sour Patch is just something you see and have seen everywhere. Which wrappers litter the streets of NY more?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Winner: Sour Punch<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Sweet Snacks FINALS<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Trolli vs Sour Punch: \u201cTrolli. It\u2019s a complete sour snack.\u201d – Matt Russo<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Winner: Trolli<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"<\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n

Big 4: Trolli Crawlers, Pop\u2018ems Glazed Donuts, Bud Light, Gatorade (Light Blue duh)<\/strong><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

By Jess and Russo With the cancellation of sports (RIP March Madness) we wanted to give the degenerate gamblers of the league and those who miss the post-game hang outs the one thing that unites us all: a trip to the bodega before\/after a game. Before we all know it, we\u2019ll be back to frequenting […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":6355,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-26177","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-league-info"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/26177"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/6355"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=26177"}],"version-history":[{"count":20,"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/26177\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":26204,"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/26177\/revisions\/26204"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=26177"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=26177"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=26177"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}

Trolli Sour Brite Crawlers<\/strong> I bought a five-pound bag of these at Walmart once for a Bachelor Party and I think I single handedly ate about two-pounds of that in a day and a half. A lot of people think they\u2019re coated in sugar, but that\u2019s actually crack cocaine. And I shit you not, as I write this bit a Trolli commercial came on and it was extremely trippy, so please enjoy a five-minute candy-induced trip with Behind The Scenes magic: https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/watch?v=HUg-jG1ZeaE<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n