{"id":3306,"date":"2010-08-12T22:13:01","date_gmt":"2010-08-13T02:13:01","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.btsh.org\/bruise\/?p=3306"},"modified":"2010-08-13T16:23:45","modified_gmt":"2010-08-13T20:23:45","slug":"the-indefatigable-rich-glanzer","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/the-indefatigable-rich-glanzer\/","title":{"rendered":"The Indefatigable Rich Glanzer"},"content":{"rendered":"

An Unauthorized Biography<\/h4>\n

By “The Chairman” Ben Chadwick and Adriano “Muscles Marinara” Bratta (with supplementary material by Dr. Byron Clavicle, DDS, LDS, NIMBY, and BTO)<\/em><\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

The Early, Canine Years<\/strong>
\nRich Glanzer was born on February 30, 1957 in Southampton, New York, the child of Arthur Miller and Marilyn Monroe.\u00a0 Controversy came immediately when the nurse told him he was \u201csuch a cute baby,\u201d and he disagreed.\u00a0 Refusing even to cry, he announced a boycott of the hospital and crawled off into the woods.\u00a0 There, he was raised by a pack of coyotes who taught him everything he knows about diplomacy, a skill he still uses today.<\/p>\n

A Problematic Pup<\/strong>
\nAt the age of seventeen, Rich was expelled by the coyotes for breaching the chain of command and angering the leader of the pack.\u00a0 He strutted into Lynbrook with his only belonging, a chewed-up horse femur.\u00a0 Luckily, he was adopted by a local family, the Glanzers, who circumcised him and discarded his coyote name, \u201cArf-Arf,” and re-christened him Rich.\u00a0 In a few short weeks, they were able to teach him some rudimentary English, a skill he still uses today.\u00a0 For months, the Glanzers were unable to tear Rich away from the horse femur, until one day, by chance, he broke free from his leash.\u00a0 Rushing down the the Long Island Expressway at top speed on all four legs, he burst into Madison Square Garden in the middle of a Rangers game.\u00a0 He charged onto the ice and leapt at the throat of left winger Glen Sather.\u00a0 He was pulled away by Walt Tkaczuk and Bobby Rousseau, but not before inflicting permanent brain damage on Sather.\u00a0 In the ensuing melee, Tkaczuk took away Rich’s horse femur, and Rich picked up a hockey stick that was lying on the ice.\u00a0 His love for hockey was instant.\u00a0 He raced around, found the puck, and took his first slapshot from the blue line.\u00a0 The puck missed the goal by a record fifty-two feet, a skill he still uses today.<\/p>\n

A Secret Life of Magical Adventure<\/strong>
\nLittle is known of Rich’s twenties, thirties, and forties.\u00a0 On his 28th birthday in Uniondale, he ate three entire pizzas, the cardboard boxes they came in, and the napkins, then threw up all over Trevor Linden.\u00a0 In the early 1990s, Rich was the tuba player for a Seattle-based band called Nirvana, until frontman Kurt Cobain decided \u201cDixieland is dead\u201d and declared that he’d take the sound in a new direction. In 2001, despite his ESL handicap, Rich was able to secure a job as a newspaper columnist for the New York Herald.\u00a0 He wrote a record 317 articles in one month, but never saw any in print, since the Herald had been out of business since 1924.\u00a0 It was at the Herald that Rich developed his talent for writing lots of things that nobody else reads, a skill he still uses today.<\/p>\n

The BTSH Years (2008-2010)<\/strong>
\nOn March 30, 2008, Rich approached Ben Chadwick, the administrative director of a new street hockey team consisting entirely of free agents, and demanded to be on the team.\u00a0 The hatred was mutual and instantaneous, but Chadwick stuck to his only team policy: \u201cThe first free agents who get me my money will be on the roster.\u201d\u00a0 Chadwick would regret this policy.\u00a0 Rich cut open a finger and scrawled his mark in blood on a check.\u00a0 As soon as the check cleared, Rich was signed as the second Happy Little Elf.\u00a0 BTSH has ostracized Chadwick and the rest of the Elves–even Ozmodiar–ever since.<\/p>\n

According to our sources, some traces persist of Glanzer’s forest upbringing:<\/p>\n