{"id":5177,"date":"2012-03-02T10:34:58","date_gmt":"2012-03-02T15:34:58","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.btsh.org\/bruise\/?p=5177"},"modified":"2012-03-02T16:09:03","modified_gmt":"2012-03-02T21:09:03","slug":"2012-season-preview-happy-little-elves","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/2012-season-preview-happy-little-elves\/","title":{"rendered":"2012 Season Preview: Happy Little Elves"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

Color: Electric Lime\/Neon Green\/that godawful color Filthy Gorgeous used to wear
\nYear Founded: 2008
\n2011 Regular Season Finish: 7-7-1-2 (3rd, Hackett Division; 8th overall)
\n2011 Playoff Result: Lost to Fresh Kills in the Semi-Finals
\nConference: Tagliarano
\nDivision: Bratta
\nTeam Song: \u201cWe Represent the Lollipop Guild\u201d<\/a><\/strong><\/strong><\/p>\n

2012 ROSTER<\/p>\n

Rich Glanzer (C)<\/p>\n

Ben Chadwick (C)<\/p>\n

Jenna Cruff (C)<\/p>\n

Chris Adrahtas (sub)
\nTrevor Beauclair
\nMelissa Budnick
\nGarrett \u201cAx\u201d Carrino
\nAdela Heel Jr.
\nShaun deLacy
\nEric \u201cEl Guapo\u201d DiPierri (sub)
\nRob \u201cSmash\u201d Muggeo
\nRyan Nakahara
\nMelanie Pessin
\nJerome \u201cHornswoggle\u201d Ramos
\nShoshana Rudnick (sub)
\nSarah \u201cT-Bone\u201d Torneten
\nGil Valdez
\n
\n(New Additions)
\n<\/strong>Rob Walsh
\nLuisa Mirarchi
\nShannon Schneeman
\nDan Brown
\nThe Great Gazoo
\nUncle NED
\n
\n<\/strong>With both the Rainbows and the Unicorns going through major roster changes, you might think that the Elves would be the most drama-free of the three Fairy Tale Cup contenders. If so, you would be horribly, terribly wrong. This is a Rich Glanzer captained team, after all. And the man who is so competitive, he posts his WORDS WITH FRIENDS bingoes on Facebook isn\u2019t going to let anyone grab the spotlight away from him.<\/p>\n

Glanzer fought off an early challenge when team co-captain Ben \u201cthe Barbarian\u201d Chadwick and Jerome \u201cAlmost Asian\u201d Ramos temporarily defected to Poutine Machine\u2019s ice hockey division. Worried that the taste of cheese curds and gravy might be more appealing to them than the Elves stable of Keebler treats, Glanzer doubled down. First he added co-captain to Jenna Cruff\u2019s existing titles of \u201cTeam Sweetheart\u201d and \u201cMost \u201cLikely to Report Her Own Captain to the Disciplinary Committee\u201d. Then he made Chadwick and Ramos offers they couldn\u2019t refuse, awarding them both multi-year contracts that would make Rick DiPietro blush. Industry analysts can\u2019t say for sure if there will be a BTSH in 2042, but if there is, Ben and Jerome will still be wearing neon green.<\/p>\n

With locker room leadership settled and threats of betrayal squelched, Rich then proceeded to his next 24\/Jack Bauer-like management move: increasing the Elves fear and intimidation factor. Towards that end, he signed one of the league\u2019s most feared players, Luisa \u201cGilly\u201d Mirarchi, whose combination of skill, aggressiveness and utter unpredictability has led more than one player to pronounce \u201cThat girl\u2019s crazy!\u201d. For the icing on the cake he continues to hold the rights to Eric \u201cOgglethorpe\u201d DiPierri, who may return from the Oklahoma leagues when least expected to give $h0wt!me a run for the money in terms of most teams ever played for in BTSH.<\/p>\n

We\u2019d add more about other new signings Rob Walsh, Shannon Schneeman and Dan Brown but to be honest, THE ORG isn\u2019t really sure who these people are.<\/p>\n

Instead, we\u2019ll address the final two additions to the 2012 Elves roster. Adding fictional players may be a good tactic for defending the Fairy Tale Cup Championship, but we predict these signings will backfire on Glanzer. The Great Gazoo has the kind of personality that is poison in the locker room and Uncle Nedi\u2019s well publicized battles with alcoholism may not be behind him yet.<\/p>\n

Our predictions for HLE 2012?<\/p>\n

1) Trevor and Gil will score.
\n2) Rich will comment a lot on the website (and this post).
\n3) Sarah, Melissa and Melanie will continue to wonder how they ended up on this team in the first place.<\/p>\n

In other words, business as usual.<\/p>\n

PS: Rich insisted that he receive credit for submitting his team roster first, even though Gouging Anklebiter\u2019s captain Phil Donahue actually beat him to the punch. Make of that what you will.<\/p>\n

Entity They Most Resemble (according to Rich Glanzer)<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n

Jenna Cruff. I don’t need a celebrity to compare who the Elves resemble. Jenna is our new captain, and for all those teams that think, “Man, I’d like to get her to play on my team.” Suck it. Not happening. Jenna’s an Elf 4 Life. Now if anyone is interested in Gil….I’m entertaining offers.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Color: Electric Lime\/Neon Green\/that godawful color Filthy Gorgeous used to wear Year Founded: 2008 2011 Regular Season Finish: 7-7-1-2 (3rd, Hackett Division; 8th overall) 2011 Playoff Result: Lost to Fresh Kills in the Semi-Finals Conference: Tagliarano Division: Bratta Team Song: \u201cWe Represent the Lollipop Guild\u201d 2012 ROSTER Rich Glanzer (C) Ben Chadwick (C) Jenna Cruff […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":529,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[159],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-5177","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-2012-team-previews"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5177"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/529"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=5177"}],"version-history":[{"count":5,"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5177\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":5189,"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5177\/revisions\/5189"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=5177"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=5177"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=5177"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}