{"id":5264,"date":"2012-03-16T12:00:38","date_gmt":"2012-03-16T16:00:38","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.btsh.org\/bruise\/?p=5264"},"modified":"2012-03-14T14:20:14","modified_gmt":"2012-03-14T18:20:14","slug":"2012-season-preview-megatouch","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/2012-season-preview-megatouch\/","title":{"rendered":"2012 Season Preview – Megatouch"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

Color: <\/strong>Grey
\nYear Founded: <\/strong>2002
\n2011 Regular Season Finish: <\/strong>6-9-1 (3rd, MacNeil Division; 16th overall)
\n2011 Playoff Result: <\/strong>Lost to Mega Touch in Round of 16
\nConference: <\/strong>Kazin
\nDivision: <\/strong>Glanzer
\nTeam Song: \u201cDon\u2019t Worry, Be Happy\u201d – Bobby McFerrin<\/a><\/p>\n

Roster
\n<\/strong>
\nAlex Eben Meyer
\nAndy Robertson
\nBrett Oppedisano
\nEric Devlin
\nJane Cramer
\nJoe Lops
\nKatie Hasty
\nMark Anderson
\nMichael Tuckman
\nNadya Salcedo
\nRabi Whitaker
\nScott Rosenthal
\nJulie Katz
\nJonathan Hanson
\nDanny Canarick
\nKristen Echemendia
\nHarvey Jaswal
\nJennifer Nedbalsky
\nAdriano Bratta<\/p>\n

Several years back, Alex Eben Meyer had a spiritual revelation. He no longer wanted to be \u201cBad\u201d, he wanted to be \u201cMega\u201d. That epiphany led not only to one of the league\u2019s strangest cheers but also to a new sense of inner peace for Meyer. A calmness and tranquility that would extend to many on his team.<\/p>\n

Indeed, when one thinks of Mega the term that comes to mind is chill.<\/p>\n

Joe Lops – chill
\nJane Cramer – chill
\nTeam co-captain Julie \u201cthe Cat\u201d Katz – chill (as long as she has candy)
\nAdriano \u201cPax Romana\u201d Bratta – the spokesperson for chill
\nHarvey Jaswal – the exception that proves the rule<\/p>\n

While emulating Deepak Chopra may bring you an enlightened life it\u2019s not going to win you many hockey games (that only happens in The Love Guru). That\u2019s why MT ended the regular season only one spot above the previous year\u2019s finish. Between being mistakenly asked to perform Jewish weddings Rabi Whitaker explained the team\u2019s philosophy. \u201cStandings are so ephemeral,\u201d he opined. \u201cWe don\u2019t seek a winning season, just balance with the lifeforce that flows through us all.\u201d<\/p>\n

It all sounds good but the ORG is here to tell you it\u2019s an elaborate scam designed to sell new age paperbacks and seven week self-help programs. Each member of MegaTouch is required to undergo \u201cpsychological testing\u201d before joining the team and after acceptance a portion of their earnings are tithed. The recipient of these \u201cteam funds\u201d? Twisted genius (and \u201cco-captain\u201d) Eric Devlin. Hiding behind his everyday guise as a mild-mannered toy designer, Devlin is secretly hatching a plan to recruit everyone in the league to the cult of MegaTouch and secure the coveted PBR can trophy for himself. He\u2019s also covertly trained his Megatouch teammates to be ruthless when required.<\/p>\n

Devlin\u2019s long term strstegy was almost revealed when the Megas lost in a shootout in the playoffs to eventual champions Fresh Kills. But at the last minute Devlin decided that \u201cthe time is not yet right\u201d and instructed his goalie to throw the game.<\/p>\n

This year it\u2019s a different story. Our source revealed that the MTs have decidedly different nicknames amongst their fellow teammates:<\/p>\n

Joe Lops – known as \u201cLopper\u201d for his desire to hack off opposing players limbs with his stick
\nJane Cramer – her teammates call her \u201cCreamer\u201d referring to her propensity for throwing hip breaking checks
\nTeam co-captain Julie Katz – earned the nickname \u201cKatz\u2019s Deli\u201d for chewing up opposition defences like lunch meat
\nAdriano Bratta – \u201cBig Brat\u201d is known for his tantrums when no one passes him the ball
\nHarvey Jaswal – actually the nicest guy on the team<\/p>\n

After two years of subtly dwelling near the bottom of the league in results, Devlin feels like he has lured us all in to a false sense of security. Look for 2012 to be the year when MegaTouch rips through the league and Devlin finally buys that Rolls-Royce that all cult leaders covet (rumor has it that Bratta has already promised him all our team fees plus the proceeds of Rachel Greene\u2019s \u201ccharity tournament\u2019).<\/p>\n

Think we\u2019re kidding? Trust us on this one. North American libel laws forbid us from posting it here but the ORG has seen video footage of the Touchers ritually burning photos of other BTSH teams on an altar while Devlin laughs maniacally and proclaims \u201cAll your balls belong to us.\u201d<\/p>\n

Be afraid. Be very afraid.<\/p>\n

Entity They Most Resemble According to Rich Glanzer<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n

Entity:<\/strong> Jack and Diane<\/p>\n

Last year Mega shocked the BTSH world by beating the Rehabs in a shootout. Then they took eventual champs Fresh Kills to a shootout, but the season ended when the ball hopped on Adriano Bratta on TSP’s rough surface. It has not been a great winter.<\/p>\n

Jack and Diane (Megatouch Version:<\/strong><\/em><\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
\n
A little ditty, about Adriano and Julie. Two Mega Touch kids, playing hockey in the Lower East Side.<\/em><\/div>\n
\u00a0Adriano was gonna grow up and be a BTSH staaaaar, Julie knew with a little luck Mega could go far.<\/em><\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
Drinkin’ a PBR inside Ace Baaaar<\/em><\/div>\n
Julie is sitting on Adzo’s lap telling him he would have scored that shootout goal against Fresh Kills if the Parks Dept. would have re-tarred.<\/em><\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
Adriano gets pissed and says are you gonna blame meeeeeee?<\/em><\/div>\n
I’m the Commissioner of this league and can do what I please.<\/em><\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
Julie says Oh yeah?? Fresh Kills moved onnnn. Long after our thrill of sending the Rehabs gone.<\/em><\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
Adriano sits back and collects his thoughts for a moment. Scratches Brian Ferry’s beard and is about to be mean.<\/em><\/div>\n
Says, well you know Julie I can win you the PBR Cuuuup.\u00a0<\/em><\/div>\n
Julie kisses him softly, offers him a contract and says, Baby, its time to re-up.<\/em><\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
Adriano laughs in her face and hits her overhead with a chaaaaaiiir. Takes off his Mega Touch shirt and is wearing a Lime Green jersey.<\/em><\/div>\n
Says screw this shit trashes the bar and goes on an uncontrollable hizzy.<\/em><\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
Oh yeah, Adriano’s gonna be an Elllllf!! Now maybe someone will score a goal for the Elves other than myself.<\/em><\/div>\n
…………………………<\/em>…………………………<\/em>…………………………<\/em>…………………………<\/em>…………………………<\/em>……….<\/em><\/wbr><\/wbr><\/wbr><\/wbr><\/wbr><\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
However if Adriano doesn’t hit Julie over the head with a chair, and decides to stay with Mega, they should continue on the success of last season, and be a very tough out in the playoffs. But what are the odds of my ditty not happening???<\/div>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Color: Grey Year Founded: 2002 2011 Regular Season Finish: 6-9-1 (3rd, MacNeil Division; 16th overall) 2011 Playoff Result: Lost to Mega Touch in Round of 16 Conference: Kazin Division: Glanzer Team Song: \u201cDon\u2019t Worry, Be Happy\u201d – Bobby McFerrin Roster Alex Eben Meyer Andy Robertson Brett Oppedisano Eric Devlin Jane Cramer Joe Lops Katie Hasty […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":529,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[159],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-5264","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-2012-team-previews"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5264"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/529"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=5264"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5264\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":5280,"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5264\/revisions\/5280"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=5264"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=5264"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.miyagimedia.com\/bruise\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=5264"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}