Sweet 16 Playoff Previews – Part 1
18. Tompkins Square Riots at 1. Fresh Kills
by Fawn de Coques and Lord Bungalow Huggington-Cementmixer
Good luck Max and Riots!
Dear Max,
In response to your question posted on Facebook, “What are the keys to beating Fresh Kills?”, from our years of experience, we straight don’t know. But if we were to hazard a guess, it would be the following:
- Cripple Gabe the night before the game, Tonya Harding style. Rumor has it he hurt his arm rollerblading… maybe you can use that, wink wink.
- Send cryptic text messages in Russian to Dave and Ariel, hoping they get arrested by the Department of Homeland Security (although this could backfire and result in Trump winning a second term).
- Tell Sheena there is a hawk eating a bird somewhere near by. She’ll be entranced for hours. Unfortunately you will also lose Suz this way.
- Hire James ‘the Gentleman’ Pereira to kick Barch in the head during a shootout (ideally before the game).
- Have Joe do that thing where he is super fast and good at hockey.
- We’d recommend that you, Max, try to score some goals.
- Use Dr. Jones’s Foucauldian powers of deconstruction to substantiate a belief among the referees that goal-scoring is antithetical to victory and hope that they award the win to the team with fewer goals.
- Dave GdR. Period.
Good luck!
Sincerely,
Ann Slanders
P.S. Fresh Kills, kindly ignore the above and try to lose.
Prediction: Fresh Kills 9, Tompkins Square Riots 0. Sorry. We wish we didn’t think this.
17. Denim Demons at 2. Rehabs
by Isaac
The Rehabs begin their quest for the PBR Cup in same place as last season, but this year’s journey was quite different. After ascending to the premier division many predicted that they would struggle to pick up points and avoid regulation. However, they quieted their critics by acquiring top shelf offensive talent and finding creative ways to win games. It is difficult now not to predict good fortune for them and that they’ll find themselves defending their crown in the Finals.
The Demons on the other hand found themselves in an unfamiliar position at the end of a season they’d surely like to forget. Used to high playoff seeds, rubbing elbows with the class of LBS or Fresh Kills and kicking someone when they are down, my how the tables have turned. But if this past Sunday taught us anything about today’s Demons, they seem to have figured out that it isn’t how you start, but how you finish.
Prediction: The game stays tight throughout the first half, but eventually the wheels explode of the Demons and Rehabs bowl their way to a 4-1 victory.
14. Gouging Anklebiters at Corlears Hookers
by Arya Stark
In this corner: The Gouging Anklebiters, an underrated 14 seed with a 7-8-3 overall record and -15 goal differential.
The road so far: The Biters have been impossible to predict all year. They opened the season with three losses, two of which came in overtime (still losses). Then they reeled off three impressive wins over LBS, Butchers and Cobra Kai, briefly looking like one of the best teams in the league. This was followed by a two month, seven game losing streak which had them briefly facing relegation. They rebounded down the stretch to finish 4-1 in their last five, with the only loss coming to the defending champion Rehabs.
The history books: The Anklebiters finished 9th last season and were eliminated in the quarterfinals by the eventual champion Rehabs.
Injury report: None that I know of except all their livers are fucked.
One player to watch: Probie will need to carry the mail on offense but the most important matchup is between the pipes. Two of the league’s best will face off as Timmy will have to keep pace with Longwell every step of the way to keep the Biters in a game where they may struggle to hold possession.
Key number: 7 – The number of people (out of 28) who chose the 14th seeded Biters to win this game in the Playoff Pick’Em. Surprisingly, this was more people than chose the 6th seeded Gremlins or 7th seeded Poutine to advance in their respective match ups.
Dominant narrative: Probie is out for blood and ready to go into beast mode in this game. Sources report that he’s been drinking plenty of fluids, watching game film and seeing Lance Armstrong’s doctor in preparation for this game. Will his best efforts be enough against a stingy defense and elite goaltender?
The big question: Can the Biters’ speed overcome the Hookers’ depth? And what percentage of this team will be sober for puck drop?
Bandwagon-ability: High. A low seed with alcoholic tendencies playing against a division winner led by a Disney villain.
One good reason not to root for them: You wagered a large sum of money on the Hookers.
Bloody Marys all around.
And In this corner: The Corlears Hookers who finished third overall on the strength of a 13-4-1 record and +30 goal differential.
The road so far: The Hookers rebounded from last years disappointing season and then some, finishing 3rd in goals for and 4th in goals against. Their only losses on the year were to other top six seeds: Fresh Kills, Rehabs, Cobra Kai and Gremlins (twice).
The history books: The Hookers have had a rough couple of years but rebuilt their squad on the back of tight defense and the world famous Cro daddy poaching tour (note that this does not mean he’s poaching fathers). They have historically been a elite franchise and will move up to D2 next season by virtue of winning their division.
Injury report: As their team name suggests, the Hookers are relatively healthy except for a few random cases of VD.
One player to watch: Other players may get the glory but in the playoffs, a shutdown defender is worth his weight in gold. Danilo will be tasked with keeping Probie in check Sunday and will continue to match up with each team’s top threats throughout the playoffs should his team advance.
Key number: 3 – The Hookers were 12-0 in games where they put up three or more goals. Their only win putting up less than three was the season finale division clincher against Cobra Kai.
Dominant narrative: The new-look Hookers trying to regain their past glory after last season’s disappointing 18th place finish.
The big question: Can this team, significantly turned over since last year and plagued by attendance issues during the season, come together in time for a deep playoff run? And will Noelle get thrown out of this game?
Bandwagon-ability: Incredibly low.
One good reason not to root for them: If the Hookers win the championship Cro will never let any of us hear the end of it.
Prediction: The Biters are way better than a 14 seed would indicate and won’t be afraid to mix it up and trade chances. Probie’s a very tough one-on-one matchup and the Biters did go 4-1 down the stretch. But the Hookers have been playing at an elite level for the entire season and proved their mettle in a 1-0 battle for the division with Cobra Kai on the season’s final day. In a hard fought game, the Hookers move on 4-3.
12. Mathematics at 5. Cobra Kai
by Fawn de Coques and Lord Bungalow Huggington-Cementmixer
Keys to the game for Cobra Kai:
- Justin might say he’s in, and not show up… but that won’t really impact the game.
- James is Scottish (and he wears these adorable European short-shorts). Distract him by fondling your bagpipes on the sidelines.
- Dave, the Maths goalie, is a prison psychologist. If we’ve learned anything from watching the USA Network, that means he’s crazy. Use that to your advantage by demonstrating your mental illness when you have a breakaway.
- Greg Altman has been selflessly raising money for earthquake relief in Mexico. Is someone from Math raising money for Puerto Rico? Why not? Your team has the moral high ground, earthquakes notwithstanding.
Keys to the game for Mathematics:
- From what we know from our Instagram feed(s), Sebastian and Pete are currently jetsetting with their significant others. Will they be back in time? Does it matter?
- Liam doesn’t like losing. Use that to your advantage by winning!
- Sarah H is Prom Queen. We’re quite sure this has zero impact on the game, but she is pretty. Also good at hockey, so make sure she wears that crown, while shutting down Cobra Kai’s potent offense.
- Apparently Russell is a comedian? Did you know this? SAY SOMETHING FUNNY RUSSELL! Oh, you can’t? Well, Sam makes us laugh, why can’t you, Russell?
- Cobra Kai’s underage goalie is absurd. But seriously, have you seen him play? Taunt him with jokes about getting a ride home from his mom.
- Periodically yell “Rachel, I’m open!”
In summary:
The final question is what’s more significant: Rachel power or Norris power? Because they both have two (not counting Rebecca, Nathan, and Sandy for Maths, all of them sidelined by assorted injuries, travel distances, and pregnancies, not necessarily in that order).
Prediction: Math by 2, because the future of the Norrii… erm, we mean Math, will be witnessing from Rebecca’s innards.