By: Rich Glanzer

Through some fault of my own but far more fault of Herman, who still hasn’t posted my Fazio
Charity Scam Tournament article, here are the delayed Second Division previews. I wrote them
before the season started, but I will slightly adjust them after Week One.

Corlears Hookers

There aren’t many teams who have as much comradery (editor’s note: I’m leaving in Glanzer’s spelling and assuming it’s an artistic choice) as the Hookers. At the 25th Anniversary Party, they all came in matching sweatsuits, with bedazzling (I’m told by my co-worker that means putting Rhinestones on clothing) done by their women.

On the blacktop, this tightknit unit showed up. Literally. According to the Org., they had 11 players who played in double digits. I remember during one rainout, they all got wet and scrimmaged, instead of angrily screaming at Tarnow and Herman. Their loss, yelling at those two is fun. On the rink, the Hookers have a new goalie named Carl. I don’t know much about Carl (editor’s note: He’s Swedish and puts banana on pizza), but this makes me want to join the Hookers and yell at him whenever he gives up a goal, which should be relatively often as Carl is not good at goalie.

But Carl better play well, as Nicky was the only Hooker to reach double digits in goals last year, though Ethan was close with 9 goals in 9 games. Besides team spirit (which I’m not shitting on, I feel it’s truly important), the biggest strength the Hookers have are their women. With Morgan, Jenna, and Anna leading the way, this is a top-five unit, if not higher. Overall, the Hooks came in 12th in scoring, and if they want to be true contenders, they need to improve their O. But off-ice togetherness often leads to on-ice success, so I expect the Hookers to be like the Sky Fighters: in every game, even if a team has more talent than them. This should be a good season for them, as I expect a top-eight finish. Week One was the blueprint for the Hookers as Jenna and Morgan scored, and 14 players showed in their 5-3 win vs. the Lbs.

Instant Karma

Before we begin, a personal story. I was at a NY Eve party this year and pretty drunk. I was on the bathroom line with Cat T., and she was being so super sweet to me. This literally never happens. Then I realized I was actually standing next to Sarah Goss and it made a lot more sense, since Sarah is like the sweetest person in the world and Cat is the Antichrist.

Karma took on Cat’s lead and pillaged and smote the whole Third division last year, and they were
promoted to the Second Division. Jokes aside, this team sans the goalie can play. Sean had 23 goals in 13 games and Jill P. had
8 goals in 8 games.

Karma is very much like the Hookers. It’s a tight knit group and when you see one player there’s prob two or three behind them. This leads to spirited play on the courts. Add Sean K., who for my money is the best forechecker in the league, and I see Karma hanging in the top conference.

Alexa wants to remind them that they could use a second ref other than Isaac, and I would like to remind Liz that she could do better.

Poutine Machine

There are tough losses, and then there are tough losses. Up by a goal with a minute left, Poutine looked like they were going to nab their first championship. But after peppering one of the leagues best goalies, Jeff G., for 49 minutes, FK finally broke through the wall and then scored the OT winner. Since the Modern Era of BTSH (2008-2015) started, and at least the year prior, this is the closest a team has come to winning a championship but instead losing.

But my favorite saying is, you either win or you learn. And Poutine has the opportunity to learn. Poutine didn’t play great getting to the finals. They needed a shootout to beat the Lbs. who only had one man and female/nb subs. They were down two to the Rens midway through the second half before a furious comeback. I joked to them before the finals that they actually are allowed to play a good game and not just rely on Jeff.

Poutine is a good team. A real good team. They have excellent players who are somewhat unknown to most of the league. .Jo Robin is one of the best two way players in the game and Karina and Little Mel turned into scoring machines with 14 and eight goals respectively.

I expect them to suffer a little bit of a hangover this season but that’s regular season Poutine. Post season Poutine is a contender. #RIPJeromeTho

Gouging Anklebiters

There’s no way to sugarcoat this. This may have been the worst off-season ever for a BTSH franchise. Gone are their all time leading scorer in Probert, their all-time best goalie in Craig (editor’s note: We’re all trying to find the guy who did this), as well as Jack, Annie, Simon, Scotty, Craig, and Alex H. Let me look if Joe P. has registered. He hasn’t. So that’s at least some good news for the Biters. Basically, everyone left them.

But a hero has emerged…no…not that Hero.

It’s Jared. Jared is the hero. The teams longest tenured player and league legend Caroline says Jared brought in a few of his friends, and they are good. Word on the street is she’s right. While they lost game one, both Lil Mel and her boyfriend and lottery winner, Cardello, both said the Biters are gooood. And no, Cardello didn’t win the lotto for going out with Mel, it’s because Alex took him on the Lbs. and he has a legit shot at winning the BTSH Championship.

OK, I prob should start talking about the Biters again in their preview. The two things the Biters didn’t have going into opening day was a goalie and female/nb players. The goalie situation has been solved. Free Agent Tyler has chosen them like Hero cho…ok I’ll stop. Let’s just say everyone who saw Tyler that I trust (Caroline, Mel and Cardello) say he’s good. They still need women as they only have Sarah, Caroline and Haley, so be like Barney, suit up and get the Biters some women!

I have no idea how the Biters will do, but I have a feeling they’ll land on their feet and not join the BTSH graveyard of the Elves, Rehabs, Math, Unicorns etc.

Fuzz

Fuzz went from Champions to Chumps in 2025, as Poaching Season and a retirement hit them hard. Going into 2026, Fuzz had no goalie, a group of broken Elderlies, a passionate but small group of women and some superstars who are desperately looking for a supporting cast good enough to lift the PBR Cup. Things started to head in the right direction when Joe M. joined the squad, but by halftime of the Super Bowl, we still were short a lot of women, no goalie, and worst of all…no goalie prospects. But while riding the elliptical having Bad Bunny on mute (no shade but I’m listening to Gaslight Anthem and WWE music during workouts), a thought crossed my mind. What if I poached Craig?

After an awkward text message exchange, but glorious 43-minute phone call later that week, Craig decided to go championship hunting, and actually try to earn holding the PBR Cup, instead of ridiculously posing for a picture in which each and every one of them (especially him) committed hockey sacrilege.

Now Fuzz has at least three but probably four rookie women (and one rookie woman on the IL who will try and sell you delicious cookies), a goalie, two out of the three healthy Elderlies and a group of superstars who can will win the BTSH Championship with this supporting cast. But winning wouldn’t really mean anything if this was a bunch of part-timers trying to get their 6 games in. Check out the attendance picture for Week One. We also had more people outside Royale in the freezing cold than any other team, including Jeff and Alexa’s children. This isn’t a collection, it’s a team.

By: Rich Glanzer

After nearly a decade or so long break, the three stars of the week are back. A couple of notes: In 2014, a star player scored four goals. I did not give him the first star. The team thought this was worse than Pearl Harbor, 9/11 and when Rachel forced Ross to take an unwanted break.

So in other words, if your star player scores 3 goals, they’re prob not getting a star. But if Elly from the Vertz scores a goal or happens to open his eyes for a photo, he probably will. Because he’s not good at hockey, and he’s somehow worse at posing for pictures. (But congrats on Baby Jack! You’re already a great Dad)

I also will rarely give a star to my own team, unless they really deserve it. With that said, on to this week’s heroes!

(Did someone say Hero??)

Third Star: Nate Morgan, Filthier

Now I have no idea if this is the Nate Morgan that scored the hat trick but I googled Nate Morgan hockey hat trick Filthier and this came up. But so did this picture so my confidence level isn’t so high this is the right guy.

Either way, it was a great win for Filthier, and great job by Nate in his first career BTSH game (I think).

Second Star: The Dark Rainbows

So in my Fourth Division preview , I said I was buying the hype and the Riots would win the Fourth Division. I also called the Rainbows losers. Well the only loser in Week 1 was my prediction, as the Rainbows made a statement, dusting the Riots 5-2. Nick, Akhil, and star Free Agent Alex H. each contributed a goal and an assist.

Also, to be fair I didn’t say the Rainbows were losers in hockey. I was specifically talking about their Survivor 49 pool which me and my niece Andie won. In case anyone is interested, here are the standings in the Survivor 50 Rainbow pool!

First Star: Jordan Flavell-Boney, Fuzz

Last year, Fuzz added one of Alexa’s best friends, Jordan. Jordan had never played hockey before and played 2-3 games before she was injured playing softball. She came to every game after her injury so she could root on her team and qualify for the playoffs. Jordan is a fantastic softball player, tremendous athlete, but never played hockey before last year. In a tight 3-3 game with 7 or so minutes left, she corralled a rebound on a shot from Annabel, and instead of shooting into Ridzik’s body, she deked onto her backhand and put it into the empty net. Her first career goal was a game winner.

Yeah, Joe M. had four goals, but to quote the Soup Nazi, no star for you!

First Goals, Hat Tricks, and Other Accomplishments

• Amy from the Dekes and also Australia scored her first career BTSH goal.
  
• Cherie did not score her first BTSH goal. She also did not record her first hat trick yesterday. But she did get a hat trick against Tim K. and the Vertz which is very impressive.
  
• Props to Fuzz, Demons, Karma and a few stragglers for going to Royale and representing BTSH.
  
• Lastly, huge props to Campbell. Not for helping to recreate this website. Not for shutting out the defending champs. But for standing on business. For those that don’t know, a ten-goal lead ends the game in BTSH. Cobra Kai scored their tenth goal with under a minute left to beat Fresh Kills. I told him I was going to have to mock CK for scoring and not showing sportsmanship in a 9-0 game. He replied, Our team motto is “no mercy.” Respect.

It’s a new season of hockey at BTSH, and along comes a host of changes. For this particular season, some of the changes will definitely feel bigger than in years past. In this article we will outline everything that you can expect. We have changes for the rules, the league scheduling, the way standings points are calculated, and even to stats.

We’ll start with the big one. 

Game Play Rule Changes

High Balls 

There are two changes here:

• High balls are no longer identified as head high and now the cross bar will be the standard height limit.
• High balls will now be considered delayed penalties. No longer will opposing teams who catch a high ball in a high percentage scoring opportunity be punished because of the instant whistle. The team that committed the high ball offense must touch the ball for play to be blown down and possession given to the opposing team. 

Penalty Shots

For the first time in league history, penalty shots will be included in the rules, specifically for a trip or infraction on a player who is on a clear breakaway for a scoring opportunity.

Some are calling this the “Yehuda rule”, as you often see him cherry picking and then complaining for a penalty shot when he doesn’t score. 

League Scheduling

Due to feedback about how league dynamics and competitiveness has changed over time, captains have voted to make changes to the makeup of the season. Below is what the league previously had been using for years.

Previous Schedule

D1 Team Matchups	D2 Team Matchups	D3 Team Matchups	D4 Team Matchups
D1 8 times	D2 8 times	D3 8 times	D4 8 times
D2 5 times	D1 5 times	D4 5 times	D3 5 times
D3 3 times	D4 3 times	D1 3 times	D2 3 times
D4 2 times	D3 2 times	D2 2 times	D1 2 times

Captains voted to eliminate the Division 1 vs Division 4 match-ups as well as several other small changes in the numbers to ensure competitiveness and maintain a diversity of matchups between divisions. Below is the new schedule and highlighted are the parts of the structure that have changed. 

New Schedule

D1 Team Matchups	D2 Team Matchups	D3 Team Matchups	D4 Team Matchups
D1 8 times	D1 7 times	D3 8 times	D4 10 times
D2 7 times	D2 6 times	D4 5 times	D3 5 times
D3 3 times	D4 3 times	D1 3 times	D2 3 times
D4 0 times	D3 2 times	D2 2 times	D1 0 times

New Standings Calculations

This one might be the trickiest change to explain. With the change in the schedule, it was agreed that the way standings were calculated would need to change to be more equitable with the level of competition between the matchups. A unique idea was proposed for bonus points for the winning team based on the division of the team they play against. Here’s how it works.

For a win, a team still gets the standard 2 points. However, on top of that they get bonus points depending on what division the team they beat were…

• If the team was in Division 1 then the winning team gets 1.5 bonus points (3.5 points total).
• If the team was in Division 2 then the winning team gets 1 bonus point (3 points total).
• If the team was in Division 3 then the winning team gets .5 bonus points (2.5 points total).
• No extra bonus points are awarded for beating a division 4 team (winning team only gets the standard 2 points for the win),

Here are some example scenarios that may help you wrap your head around it:

• A Division 2 team defeats another Division 2 team
  2 (win) + 1.0 (bonus) = 3.0 total points
• A Division 4 team defeats a Division 3 team
  2 (win) + 0.5 (bonus) = 2.5 total points
• A Division 1 team defeats a Division 3 team
  2 (win) + 0.5 (bonus) = 2.5 total points

Assist Tracking

Another major update this season: assists will be tracked for the first time in league history. Playmakers everywhere are rejoicing, while league grandfather John Walker can finally earn a point after years of passing up prime scoring chances in what now seems more like a personal philosophy than missed opportunities.

Assist tracking is made possible by our new web app, which will allow referees to record scoring more easily. If you see Campbell, Harris P, and Justin M around the courts offer them a beer, because they have gone above and beyond in providing the league technology capabilities similar to a tech startup and doing so with virtually no financial incentive. Also, shout out to previous league commissioners, Faz and Courtney, who got the ball rolling for a new website almost two years ago. That said, we’ll need everyone’s help to make it work. Please be ready to clearly provide names to the refs.

New League Bar!

Our league bar this year is Royale! Thomas, of Offside Tavern fame, is now running the ship at Royale and has offered to host us! Included are drink specials, use of the outdoor patio space, and space for everyone to stash their hockey equipment! Thomas put together a special for us this Sunday to celebrate the opening week of BTSH. The special includes a discount for a new spiked sports drink called “Spiked Ade” which has the potential to be the biggest innovation in hockey since Stan Mikita accidentally created the curved blade.

By: Rich Glanzer

According to a league historian, divisions started in BTSH in 2010. In 15 seasons, only one Third Division team ever made it to the BTSH finals, and they got absolutely destroyed by Filthier.

Now the historian is me and I’m not all that confident that I’m right, but one thing is for sure: Renaissance was minutes away from making the finals from the Third Division last year. But we’ll get to that in a moment. 

While the Third Division is much closer in talent to the Second Division than the Fourth, all five teams have some holes to fill if they hope to lift the PBR Cup. 

Filthier

After finishing in last in Second Division , Filthier is dropping down to the Third. With so many games against Fourth Division teams, I’d be shocked if James didn’t win the scoring title this year. Sadly, league stats took a five or so year sabbatical, and they weren’t/aren’t kept well to begin with, so we have no idea how many scoring titles he’s won. Unless you’re Mike T. he’s won more than you. And odds are Mike T. is not reading this. I expect Filthier to have a very good record this year. Their attendance is typically solid, and four of their women (Appleyard sisters, Danielle, and Ann) scored three or more goals last season.

My one concern…well I am not actually concerned as I only care about my team, is Doug plays a lot of games as a sub, and if he plays prior to Filthier that can affect his play for them.

View post on imgur.com

Gremlins

An insane stat is that since 1969, the Pittsburgh Steelers have only had three coaches! I rarely use exclamation points, but this is exclamation point worthy. 

Well in the spring of 2003, Craig L. became the Unicorn goalie and left in 2012. That’s when the Unicorns became the Gremlins and Jamie Batuwantudawe became the goalie. So since 2003, while many other franchises have had dozens of goalies, the Unicorns/Gremlins franchise has only had two.

Despite the stability at goalie, the Gremmies are going with a change at captain. Rod will be replacing our beloved Walker. Last year, David C. led the team in goals with 11, and the league’s favorite Fazio was second with 5. So offense will be a priority for the league’s oldest team. The are adding Margaret, Tamara and Kevin, but no one knows how good they are as of this writing.

Sky Fighters

Only two teams (should) go home happy in BTSH. The BTSH and Schlitz champions. All others should hang their heads in shame and feel no joy until next season. Sadly, this is super true of Sky Fighters. Up 1-0 with 20 seconds left in the first round against Renaissance, Sky had the ball on the sidelines. All they needed to do was dump the ball in a corner and run to Cam on a
great game played. But instead they tried to score an empty net goal, APK, made the relatively easy save, skated up, and the ball found the Rens’ best scorer Emma, who was left uncovered and top shelfed it with 10 seconds left. The Rens completed the comeback in OT, and the SF season was over. But there’s a great saying, “You either win or you learn…or you get Wes to come out of retirement and play for you.” Yup, that’s the saying. Wes along with my Media Tag Team Partner Joshua F. are going to be a potent one-two punch in the Third Division. I am a Wes Truther and feel he could be the best player in the league. Jake has longed wanted to move up to the Second Division and with their balanced scoring of Shaun, Andreas and Aryeh, Ellie, and Geldner, they should be in every game.

Renaissance

Only two teams (should) go home happy in BTSH. The BTSH and Schlitz champions. All others should hang their head in shame and feel no joy until next season. Sadly, this is super true of Sky Fighters Renaissance.

I have a lot to say.  First a spoiler alert. BTSH reminds me of the 1979 cult classic, The Warriors. The sniveling coward in this picture took a shot at the leader of the NYC gangs, because he likes doing things like that. He blamed it on The Warriors, and let’s just say they had a rough time getting back to their home in Coney Island. This is the last scene You Renaissance are good, real good. 

View post on imgur.com

But while Swan has the right to claim The Warriors are the best, you, sadly, don’t.

Up by two goals in the semis against Poutine, you didn’t lock it down. Multiple times their forwards went around your D and it forced me to tell Pete’s New Years Eve date that while he’s a great guy, he needs to become more defensive minded before I grant my permission to marry him. Sadly, I was sober when I said this. 

No one has ever won the PBR Cup from the Third, but the Rens legitimately can be the first. They are the youngest team in the league, have solid attendance, and have very annoyingly great team comradery. Emma and Ryan are a great one-two punch, but they also have solid secondary scoring. Sophia is solid in net and they also have Yehuda. and I am a Yehuda Guy. 

View post on imgur.com

Pete says they are adding multiple high level players. They will miss Mike C., but I think with their collection of players, they can win a championship. But they aren’t ready… yet.

While watching them blow the two-goal lead, I harken back to a play earlier in that game. Steph made two excellent plays that stopped a goal. I was expecting to hear 13 players whooping it up and congratulating her, like they do when one of their players scores their 14th goal against WTP in July. But instead…silence. Not a word.  And that’s what’s missing. Not just a commitment to D, but to actually recognize it when it happens.

Winning championships isn’t about the OT goal. It’s about backchecking on the 2 on 1. It’s about not even allowing the 2 on 1. It’s about making an elite player dump the ball because you are in such great position, they won’t even try to go around you. It’s about making the D to D pass, dumping the ball and going for a quick line change. It’s about capitalizing on a mistake that your team didn’t make…wouldn’t make. 

It’s about realizing the best play Jack Hughes made in OT in the Olympics wasn’t his goal, but stopping McDavid one on one, which led to his goal. The Championship Window doesn’t stay open forever. It’s open for them. But I want to see them chest bump when Gelman’s shot gets blocked, not when Tommy makes it 9-1 over the Dekes.  

Denim Demons

First off, Tracy had two goals last year and I’m very happy for her. But that was tied for the leading scorer amongst women on the team along with Zoe, and if the Demons are going to find success in Division 3, they are going to have to spread out their scoring a little more. Luca, Alex and Will all had more than double digits in goals, but those may dry up a little in Div 3.

I don’t expect the Demons to come in second overall this season, but don’t get me wrong, this team can play. Last year they beat Fuzz and Fresh Kills, the two teams that won in 2024 and 2025. And they almost beat Vertz, who won the Presidents’ Trophy. The improvement in one year was wild. While there will be an obvious point regression because of the division jump, I think they will have a lot of success this season. 

Predictions:

I see the Rens winning the division, with Filthier in second, Demons in third, Sky Fighters in fourth and sadly, the Gremmies in fifth. But honestly, two through four is sorta interchangeable.

By: Rich Glanzer

If every division had an MVP, the Fourth would have three co-MVPs for the 2026 season. Co-
commissioners Mike Tarnow and Adam Herman, along with former Riots captain Suz, all realized it was no fun having the Fourth Division play the First. Thanks to the Commissioners for coming up with multiple schedules, and to Suz for calling every player and captain to ever play in BTSH, as well as the 5 living United States Presidents, and using a Ouija board to attempt to summon
recently departed Jimmy Carter.

We can retire the Simpsons meme that Walker loves so much, as the first and fourth divisions will no longer play each other.

Riots

New Riots captain Dave Zuckerman is creating a tsunami with his moves and has put the rest of the Fourth Division on notice. 

Now let me preface this. I have spoken to Zuck on the phone numerous times about him captaining the Riots. We have texted. I have offered advice. We played on the same D5 team. I know this man. So when I asked captains if they wanted a preview of their team, this is the email I received.

“Hi Rich, This is Zuck. I was on Moby Dekes last season and will be joining the Riots this year as captain.” 

While Zuck may have the memory of Drew Barrymore in 50 First Dates, there is literally no one in the league with more passion to improve their team. He has added several players, including Jacob Berkowitz, who scored 18 goals in 14 games last year for the Dekes. Zuck swears all new recruits will  play competitively every shift and bring more talent than those who left. I’m a Mike Millstein Guy, so that remains to be seen. 

Rainbows

But before we crown the Riots as D4 Champions, the Rainbows are going to have something to say about that. They had 12 points in the Third Division and are now dropping down. Ellie is returning from her ACL surgery and can already squat more than 95% of the division (seriously, it’s more than 200 pounds and Hicks, Pete G. and I are super proud of her). However I don’t actually have high hopes for these losers, as they graciously invited me into their Survivor 49 pool and my niece and I smoked them all. But I am offering my winnings to buy them a pitcher of beer as I really do like them all, even/especially Cat.

View post on imgur.com

Moby Dekes

It was a rough off-season for the Dekes. Retirement took Zach and Diane. Karly, Zuck and Berkowitz left for other teams in the division and Mr. Grumpy himself, Kirky, is threatening to become a Free Agent, in hopes the Rehabs take him back. Sadly, no one told Kirky the Rehabs disbanded like 5 years ago. 

But all is not lost. They brought back former Gut Rotter Ramon S. and Murad L. from D5, so I would expect them to have good attendance which is half the battle. DGDR is the most beloved man in the league and while he may not win the Vezina, you know there’s a dog in that net and teams tend to fight hard when they know their goalie is.  

What The Puck

What the Puck turns 25 this year and their captain, Susie, wants to celebrate this franchise achievement. They have a rich history as they won the 2006 Championship and lost in the finals in 2009 and 2011. 

Unfortunately those days seem a lifetime ago, and this year they will have some big holes to fill as their top goal scorer Tyler is moving to Canada, and perhaps their best player Cole has moved to Chicago and part-time status. While this may worry some, Justin M. and Susie are as cool as the other side of the pillow. Justin says, “We picked up two ladies, added a sub and added two more guys that I don’t know who the hell they are. We picked up strays.”  Susie says these players are far from strays. “We added Jonathan G. who plays in the NABL as well as a few friends of Evan who was one of our top scorers.” 

While I don’t see them reliving the Corey Winters glory days, if these players are young, competitive and skilled, there’s no reason that they can’t surprise a few folks.

Butchers

The Butchers did not reply to my message so I don’t know how their off-season is going, other than Michigan girl Taylor is on the FA list. Hopefully Micah will not join her as he led them with 11 goals. Perhaps the most concerning stat for the Butchers is Chadwick’s attendance. For the first time since he left the Elves it was good…which is rough news for our maroon friends. 

Predictions:

I’m buying the hype. I expect the Riots to come in first, the Rainbows to come in second, Dekes in third, WTP in fourth, and the Butchers 5^th.