By: Rich Glanzer

Last week, I emailed Herman the 3 Hero’s and Power Rankings. I think he thought I was just writing it to him, as they never got published (editor’s note: my bad). I hope he at least enjoyed it. But I am getting paid for this gig, and unlike Nate, I’d like to earn my money. So I will continue to amuse Herman, and add Tarnow to the email and hope one of those two bozos publishes this.

Again, unlike stars in the NHL, 3 Hero’s are better than 1.

1 Hero: Aneury Rivera (Rainbows)

I did not watch this game, so I can’t tell you if these were end to end rushes, or just tap ins after some great passes by Cat, and the ref forgot to give Cat the assists. Maybe I should assume Cat made the great passes and give her the 1 Hero, IDK. But congrats Aneury, and if you would have just gotten one more goal you would have got 2 more Hero’s! Notes from the game: I didn’t watch but it’s great to see 2007 Champion, Sean R. still in the league. As far as I know, his championship dates back the furthest with current players. I’m sure there was a better way to write that grammatically.

2 Heroes: Uri L. (Vertz)

I feel bad for Aneury, because he’s getting screwed that I reffed Uri’s game and didn’t see his. But on the other hand, I don’t at all feel bad for Aneury because he’s now impeding on Uri’s moment and that’s pretty selfish. As for Uri, he had a monster game for the Vertz. In a very tight game vs. the Biters, he took it over with some great passes and two goals. He may have gotten all 3 Hero’s but he cost his team a goal when I was reffing, and a Biter top shelfed a goal and I wasn’t sure if it went in, until he told me it did. Thank you for your honesty, I have a lot of respect for you, but Mama and Papa Hicks are gonna make you do 10 laps around Tompkins when they read this. 

Other notes from the game:
Props to Owen S. who had a monster game. Watching Go get mad at his teammates for hitting him with the ball while trying to deflect/screen the goalie is fun to watch. It’s not their fault Go, you’re not invisible! Tyler has my vote for Rookie of the Year. Sam G., keep your stick down!

3 Heroes: Keigan C. (Fuzz)

First of all, I see why Fresh Kills won the championship last season. FK showed up with only 3 men (Ariel joined them in the 2nd half), and I think 4 women, but they played like they had 3 lines. Much like the Vertz, they spread themselves apart and let the ball do the work. They had a ton of point blank shots and only 2 got past Keigan, who was playing his second career game in net in BTSH. He made two saves where FK had a wide open net, and Keigan literally just dove to make the save. Jeff said it was one of the top 5 saves he’s ever seen, and Gil was more tempered, saying it was a top 5 save he’s seen in BTSH. The biggest compliment came from Ariel who said, “Is that McCracken?” IYKYK.

Other notes from the game:
Claudia is one of the smartest players in the league and if FK shows up with their full roster, they will be tough to beat. Ariel is still in this league. 

Other Notable Performances:

Commissioners, order some more stop watches. Charge every team $20 more bucks and buy a plethora of red balls. Tell Doug to smile more. (Editor’s note: Rich has not caught up to 21st century technology such as cell phone stop watches. He sent me this article via fax machine)

Half props to the Gremlins. Instead of using Cam, Doug, Chris or someone else, they had one of their players put on pads and play against the Dekes. It was a hard fought game and they came out on top. They only get half props bc the goalie never signed in so I don’t know who it was. He may have stolen Aneury’s Hero if they did! But seriously, a lot of respect to the Gremlins who use the FA list and only use league players as subs as a last resort. And good job by Leif and the Dekes. I hope you get your W this year. Keep fighting.

Pags and Ken are a fun line to watch. Pags even has one assist this year! McQuade coming back makes an already incredibly strong Poutine team the team to beat. Jenna is underrated.

Great comeback by the Sky Fighters over WTP. Thank you to Katherine, Max and Susie for watching Hero!

Mega won a very sloppy game vs. Instant Karma. It’s fine, you’re still contenders but I’m moving you below the Hookers until you get your shit together. 

Who is this Jill person that is averaging a goal a game? Keep the vulchers (editor’s note: Yes, this is how Glanzer spelled “vultures” in the draft he sent) away from her, Isaac. Also, what is her email address?

As expected, Cobra Kai is nothing without Amanda Fazio. The only reason they didn’t lose 10-0 is that the players there were able to remember some of her teachings, and only lost by 5.

Filthier beat the Riots 11-1. The game ended with 19 minutes left in the half. They didn’t allow the Riots to use Cam. They literally texted Cam to let him know he can’t sub for the Riots. Aggressive. 

Last week Cam was running late and Filthier refused to let Sky Fighters use a goalie to fill in for Cam. They would rather have played against a team with an empty net, then let someone use a goalie for a few minutes.

Filthier is a talented team and can beat almost any team. They can and have beat my team many times. But they won’t win 2 playoff games because they would rather play an uncompetitive game than allow another team a sub. This isn’t on their captain. It’s on the whole team to let their captain know they don’t want these free/easy wins. Last year they didn’t allow the Riots a goalie in the playoff game. The Riots played with an empty net. Player after player on Filthier whispered to a Riot player, this isn’t what we wanted. Then why didn’t you speak up? Why do you continually refuse to speak up?

Embrace competition and maybe one day you’ll make a playoff run. There hasn’t been one from Filthier in a very long time. There won’t be one this year. And if you are on Filthier and think I’m a dick for saying this, maybe I am. But do you really disagree?

Dave you’re my boy. But the Riots also need to know it’s not on the league to allow you Cam/Doug/Jeff Green etc. I found Keigan on the FA wire. He might be one of the best goalies in the league. Any team could have had him. There are other players who registered as skaters who have said they have played goalie in the past. Email them. Maybe you catch a diamond in the rough. Tom Brady was on the Kelce’s podcast and he said something like, “Great athletes have one thing in common. They don’t blame others. They blame themselves.” 

Go through every FA and find a few people who played goalie. Try them all out. 

By: Rich Glanzer

Through some fault of my own but far more fault of Herman, who still hasn’t posted my Fazio
Charity Scam Tournament article, here are the delayed Second Division previews. I wrote them
before the season started, but I will slightly adjust them after Week One.

Corlears Hookers

There aren’t many teams who have as much comradery (editor’s note: I’m leaving in Glanzer’s spelling and assuming it’s an artistic choice) as the Hookers. At the 25th Anniversary Party, they all came in matching sweatsuits, with bedazzling (I’m told by my co-worker that means putting Rhinestones on clothing) done by their women.

On the blacktop, this tightknit unit showed up. Literally. According to the Org., they had 11 players who played in double digits. I remember during one rainout, they all got wet and scrimmaged, instead of angrily screaming at Tarnow and Herman. Their loss, yelling at those two is fun. On the rink, the Hookers have a new goalie named Carl. I don’t know much about Carl (editor’s note: He’s Swedish and puts banana on pizza), but this makes me want to join the Hookers and yell at him whenever he gives up a goal, which should be relatively often as Carl is not good at goalie.

But Carl better play well, as Nicky was the only Hooker to reach double digits in goals last year, though Ethan was close with 9 goals in 9 games. Besides team spirit (which I’m not shitting on, I feel it’s truly important), the biggest strength the Hookers have are their women. With Morgan, Jenna, and Anna leading the way, this is a top-five unit, if not higher. Overall, the Hooks came in 12th in scoring, and if they want to be true contenders, they need to improve their O. But off-ice togetherness often leads to on-ice success, so I expect the Hookers to be like the Sky Fighters: in every game, even if a team has more talent than them. This should be a good season for them, as I expect a top-eight finish. Week One was the blueprint for the Hookers as Jenna and Morgan scored, and 14 players showed in their 5-3 win vs. the Lbs.

Instant Karma

Before we begin, a personal story. I was at a NY Eve party this year and pretty drunk. I was on the bathroom line with Cat T., and she was being so super sweet to me. This literally never happens. Then I realized I was actually standing next to Sarah Goss and it made a lot more sense, since Sarah is like the sweetest person in the world and Cat is the Antichrist.

Karma took on Cat’s lead and pillaged and smote the whole Third division last year, and they were
promoted to the Second Division. Jokes aside, this team sans the goalie can play. Sean had 23 goals in 13 games and Jill P. had
8 goals in 8 games.

Karma is very much like the Hookers. It’s a tight knit group and when you see one player there’s prob two or three behind them. This leads to spirited play on the courts. Add Sean K., who for my money is the best forechecker in the league, and I see Karma hanging in the top conference.

Alexa wants to remind them that they could use a second ref other than Isaac, and I would like to remind Liz that she could do better.

Poutine Machine

There are tough losses, and then there are tough losses. Up by a goal with a minute left, Poutine looked like they were going to nab their first championship. But after peppering one of the leagues best goalies, Jeff G., for 49 minutes, FK finally broke through the wall and then scored the OT winner. Since the Modern Era of BTSH (2008-2015) started, and at least the year prior, this is the closest a team has come to winning a championship but instead losing.

But my favorite saying is, you either win or you learn. And Poutine has the opportunity to learn. Poutine didn’t play great getting to the finals. They needed a shootout to beat the Lbs. who only had one man and female/nb subs. They were down two to the Rens midway through the second half before a furious comeback. I joked to them before the finals that they actually are allowed to play a good game and not just rely on Jeff.

Poutine is a good team. A real good team. They have excellent players who are somewhat unknown to most of the league. .Jo Robin is one of the best two way players in the game and Karina and Little Mel turned into scoring machines with 14 and eight goals respectively.

I expect them to suffer a little bit of a hangover this season but that’s regular season Poutine. Post season Poutine is a contender. #RIPJeromeTho

Gouging Anklebiters

There’s no way to sugarcoat this. This may have been the worst off-season ever for a BTSH franchise. Gone are their all time leading scorer in Probert, their all-time best goalie in Craig (editor’s note: We’re all trying to find the guy who did this), as well as Jack, Annie, Simon, Scotty, Craig, and Alex H. Let me look if Joe P. has registered. He hasn’t. So that’s at least some good news for the Biters. Basically, everyone left them.

But a hero has emerged…no…not that Hero.

It’s Jared. Jared is the hero. The teams longest tenured player and league legend Caroline says Jared brought in a few of his friends, and they are good. Word on the street is she’s right. While they lost game one, both Lil Mel and her boyfriend and lottery winner, Cardello, both said the Biters are gooood. And no, Cardello didn’t win the lotto for going out with Mel, it’s because Alex took him on the Lbs. and he has a legit shot at winning the BTSH Championship.

OK, I prob should start talking about the Biters again in their preview. The two things the Biters didn’t have going into opening day was a goalie and female/nb players. The goalie situation has been solved. Free Agent Tyler has chosen them like Hero cho…ok I’ll stop. Let’s just say everyone who saw Tyler that I trust (Caroline, Mel and Cardello) say he’s good. They still need women as they only have Sarah, Caroline and Haley, so be like Barney, suit up and get the Biters some women!

I have no idea how the Biters will do, but I have a feeling they’ll land on their feet and not join the BTSH graveyard of the Elves, Rehabs, Math, Unicorns etc.

Fuzz

Fuzz went from Champions to Chumps in 2025, as Poaching Season and a retirement hit them hard. Going into 2026, Fuzz had no goalie, a group of broken Elderlies, a passionate but small group of women and some superstars who are desperately looking for a supporting cast good enough to lift the PBR Cup. Things started to head in the right direction when Joe M. joined the squad, but by halftime of the Super Bowl, we still were short a lot of women, no goalie, and worst of all…no goalie prospects. But while riding the elliptical having Bad Bunny on mute (no shade but I’m listening to Gaslight Anthem and WWE music during workouts), a thought crossed my mind. What if I poached Craig?

After an awkward text message exchange, but glorious 43-minute phone call later that week, Craig decided to go championship hunting, and actually try to earn holding the PBR Cup, instead of ridiculously posing for a picture in which each and every one of them (especially him) committed hockey sacrilege.

Now Fuzz has at least three but probably four rookie women (and one rookie woman on the IL who will try and sell you delicious cookies), a goalie, two out of the three healthy Elderlies and a group of superstars who can will win the BTSH Championship with this supporting cast. But winning wouldn’t really mean anything if this was a bunch of part-timers trying to get their 6 games in. Check out the attendance picture for Week One. We also had more people outside Royale in the freezing cold than any other team, including Jeff and Alexa’s children. This isn’t a collection, it’s a team.

By: Rich Glanzer

After nearly a decade or so long break, the three stars of the week are back. A couple of notes: In 2014, a star player scored four goals. I did not give him the first star. The team thought this was worse than Pearl Harbor, 9/11 and when Rachel forced Ross to take an unwanted break.

So in other words, if your star player scores 3 goals, they’re prob not getting a star. But if Elly from the Vertz scores a goal or happens to open his eyes for a photo, he probably will. Because he’s not good at hockey, and he’s somehow worse at posing for pictures. (But congrats on Baby Jack! You’re already a great Dad)

I also will rarely give a star to my own team, unless they really deserve it. With that said, on to this week’s heroes!

(Did someone say Hero??)

Third Star: Nate Morgan, Filthier

Now I have no idea if this is the Nate Morgan that scored the hat trick but I googled Nate Morgan hockey hat trick Filthier and this came up. But so did this picture so my confidence level isn’t so high this is the right guy.

Either way, it was a great win for Filthier, and great job by Nate in his first career BTSH game (I think).

Second Star: The Dark Rainbows

So in my Fourth Division preview , I said I was buying the hype and the Riots would win the Fourth Division. I also called the Rainbows losers. Well the only loser in Week 1 was my prediction, as the Rainbows made a statement, dusting the Riots 5-2. Nick, Akhil, and star Free Agent Alex H. each contributed a goal and an assist.

Also, to be fair I didn’t say the Rainbows were losers in hockey. I was specifically talking about their Survivor 49 pool which me and my niece Andie won. In case anyone is interested, here are the standings in the Survivor 50 Rainbow pool!

First Star: Jordan Flavell-Boney, Fuzz

Last year, Fuzz added one of Alexa’s best friends, Jordan. Jordan had never played hockey before and played 2-3 games before she was injured playing softball. She came to every game after her injury so she could root on her team and qualify for the playoffs. Jordan is a fantastic softball player, tremendous athlete, but never played hockey before last year. In a tight 3-3 game with 7 or so minutes left, she corralled a rebound on a shot from Annabel, and instead of shooting into Ridzik’s body, she deked onto her backhand and put it into the empty net. Her first career goal was a game winner.

Yeah, Joe M. had four goals, but to quote the Soup Nazi, no star for you!

First Goals, Hat Tricks, and Other Accomplishments

• Amy from the Dekes and also Australia scored her first career BTSH goal.
  
• Cherie did not score her first BTSH goal. She also did not record her first hat trick yesterday. But she did get a hat trick against Tim K. and the Vertz which is very impressive.
  
• Props to Fuzz, Demons, Karma and a few stragglers for going to Royale and representing BTSH.
  
• Lastly, huge props to Campbell. Not for helping to recreate this website. Not for shutting out the defending champs. But for standing on business. For those that don’t know, a ten-goal lead ends the game in BTSH. Cobra Kai scored their tenth goal with under a minute left to beat Fresh Kills. I told him I was going to have to mock CK for scoring and not showing sportsmanship in a 9-0 game. He replied, Our team motto is “no mercy.” Respect.

It’s a new season of hockey at BTSH, and along comes a host of changes. For this particular season, some of the changes will definitely feel bigger than in years past. In this article we will outline everything that you can expect. We have changes for the rules, the league scheduling, the way standings points are calculated, and even to stats.

We’ll start with the big one. 

Game Play Rule Changes

High Balls 

There are two changes here:

• High balls are no longer identified as head high and now the cross bar will be the standard height limit.
• High balls will now be considered delayed penalties. No longer will opposing teams who catch a high ball in a high percentage scoring opportunity be punished because of the instant whistle. The team that committed the high ball offense must touch the ball for play to be blown down and possession given to the opposing team. 

Penalty Shots

For the first time in league history, penalty shots will be included in the rules, specifically for a trip or infraction on a player who is on a clear breakaway for a scoring opportunity.

Some are calling this the “Yehuda rule”, as you often see him cherry picking and then complaining for a penalty shot when he doesn’t score. 

League Scheduling

Due to feedback about how league dynamics and competitiveness has changed over time, captains have voted to make changes to the makeup of the season. Below is what the league previously had been using for years.

Previous Schedule

D1 Team Matchups	D2 Team Matchups	D3 Team Matchups	D4 Team Matchups
D1 8 times	D2 8 times	D3 8 times	D4 8 times
D2 5 times	D1 5 times	D4 5 times	D3 5 times
D3 3 times	D4 3 times	D1 3 times	D2 3 times
D4 2 times	D3 2 times	D2 2 times	D1 2 times

Captains voted to eliminate the Division 1 vs Division 4 match-ups as well as several other small changes in the numbers to ensure competitiveness and maintain a diversity of matchups between divisions. Below is the new schedule and highlighted are the parts of the structure that have changed. 

New Schedule

D1 Team Matchups	D2 Team Matchups	D3 Team Matchups	D4 Team Matchups
D1 8 times	D1 7 times	D3 8 times	D4 10 times
D2 7 times	D2 6 times	D4 5 times	D3 5 times
D3 3 times	D4 3 times	D1 3 times	D2 3 times
D4 0 times	D3 2 times	D2 2 times	D1 0 times

New Standings Calculations

This one might be the trickiest change to explain. With the change in the schedule, it was agreed that the way standings were calculated would need to change to be more equitable with the level of competition between the matchups. A unique idea was proposed for bonus points for the winning team based on the division of the team they play against. Here’s how it works.

For a win, a team still gets the standard 2 points. However, on top of that they get bonus points depending on what division the team they beat were…

• If the team was in Division 1 then the winning team gets 1.5 bonus points (3.5 points total).
• If the team was in Division 2 then the winning team gets 1 bonus point (3 points total).
• If the team was in Division 3 then the winning team gets .5 bonus points (2.5 points total).
• No extra bonus points are awarded for beating a division 4 team (winning team only gets the standard 2 points for the win),

Here are some example scenarios that may help you wrap your head around it:

• A Division 2 team defeats another Division 2 team
  2 (win) + 1.0 (bonus) = 3.0 total points
• A Division 4 team defeats a Division 3 team
  2 (win) + 0.5 (bonus) = 2.5 total points
• A Division 1 team defeats a Division 3 team
  2 (win) + 0.5 (bonus) = 2.5 total points

Assist Tracking

Another major update this season: assists will be tracked for the first time in league history. Playmakers everywhere are rejoicing, while league grandfather John Walker can finally earn a point after years of passing up prime scoring chances in what now seems more like a personal philosophy than missed opportunities.

Assist tracking is made possible by our new web app, which will allow referees to record scoring more easily. If you see Campbell, Harris P, and Justin M around the courts offer them a beer, because they have gone above and beyond in providing the league technology capabilities similar to a tech startup and doing so with virtually no financial incentive. Also, shout out to previous league commissioners, Faz and Courtney, who got the ball rolling for a new website almost two years ago. That said, we’ll need everyone’s help to make it work. Please be ready to clearly provide names to the refs.

New League Bar!

Our league bar this year is Royale! Thomas, of Offside Tavern fame, is now running the ship at Royale and has offered to host us! Included are drink specials, use of the outdoor patio space, and space for everyone to stash their hockey equipment! Thomas put together a special for us this Sunday to celebrate the opening week of BTSH. The special includes a discount for a new spiked sports drink called “Spiked Ade” which has the potential to be the biggest innovation in hockey since Stan Mikita accidentally created the curved blade.