Week 14 Previews – Part 1
Fresh Kills at LBS, Inc.
by Hicks
Ah 2008, what a simpler time. A certain Alphamale was still among us, Glanzer had yet to win a championship and become the ‘best’ goalie in BTSH playoff history and the E in Eli didn’t even stand for Emeritus yet. As the league wound down to what would be the first championship ever for Fresh Kills, two heroes wrote what can only be described as the greatest preview of all time:
Gouging Anklebiters (4-16) vs. Happy Little Elves (2-16-1-1)
Location: Corlears North, 1:15 PM
All-Time Series: Gouging Anklebiters lead 1-0
Game Notes: Bad hockey
It’s so good, that I’m going to copy it for this preview.
“Bad Good hockey.”
I know it’s 1pm, you’ll probably be hungover and it’s entirely possible that you’ve left your wallet/dignity at the bar but this one is absolutely going to be worth it. Looking at the standings neither team can really afford to lose. LBS needs the W to keep their 1 point lead over Filthier for the Southeast Division title in tact. Meanwhile, a loss for Fresh Kills coupled with a win by the Butchers (they’re playing the Hookers who probably won’t even show up) will have the Butchers, who all yall wrote off 5 or so games ago, just a single point behind the Kills in the division standings and FK dangerously close to relegation into the Southeast Division (@Glnzr, use your magic to tell us all if this has ever happened).
Prediction: Fresh Kills comes out hot early on a goal scored by Cecil Harambe team member Gabe, but the second half is all Lbs with Roberts and Karsten scoring for los blancos. Scotty K spends the rest of the day screaming at Erich and Probert, hoping it causes them to not score and widen the scoring gap further. Lbs 3, FK 1.
Mathematics at Sky Fighters
by Tracy Demon
Longtime preview reader, first time preview writer. As such, don’t expect a BTSH fanfic flight of fancy. I’m new on this beat, and there’s no room for hyperbole. You’ll only get the cold, hard facts from me, and you’ll like it. Anyway…your intrepid reporter reached out to the Skyfighters and Math leadership for their thoughts on this week’s matchup.
Your Intrepid Reporter: Hey Caroline and Greg. I’m sick to death of this “new look Skyfighters” narrative that’s been dominating the Media (although I’ll never be sick of the “23 and Mia” puns). Do you agree? What’s your team’s real story as we head into the second half of the season?
Caroline: Even though some Sky Fighters are still trying to get used to pesky BTSH rules like no stick checking or high sticks (aren’t we all really?) the team’s building some good playmaking chemistry. We’re gonna be digging for a deep bloodlust for our first divisional W, and we can’t care how nice Math are as people (just stellar, a bunch of genuine sweethearts). I mean are we scared that sleeves are James McQuade’s kryptonite? Actually I think he scored last week with sleeves…
Next I sought out Sam and Eli for the Math perspective, thinking one of them might be the captain. I swiftly learned that Math has THREE CAPTAINS—Zach, Sam, and Sarah—plus Eli, who serves as a “functional captain.” Four captains. Let that sink in for a minute.
Your Intrepid Reporter: Hi Sam and Eli. I wasn’t there, but I hear my team, the Demons, beat Math last week. What went wrong there, and how do you plan to correct it this week against the Sky Fighters?
Sam: I wasn’t at last week’s game either.
Well, there goes my line of tough questioning. Luckily co-co-co-captain Sam had this to add:
“This week may decide who in the second division gets relegated to the third, as both teams have had a tough time adjusting to the increased talent in the league this year.”
That’s exactly the kind of diplomatic boilerplate I’d expect from a league authority figure…and yet I can’t help but empathize.
Word on the street is that Math played with a shallow bench against the Demons last week, and may be in the same situation this Sunday. Sky Fighters, here’s your chance.
Prediction: If some Norri show up and Amy A. notches another goal, the calculator crew will be hard to beat. But I’m seeing Skyfighters up by one goal at the end of regulation.
Gouging Anklebiters at Fuzz
by A Young Padawan and their Jedi Master
With Probert-Glanzer Rivalry Week almost underway, we decided to take a look at these two teams based on their variable skills sets, wins, losses, shooting percentage, PPGs, PIM, Corsi, and a bunch of other hockey stats I know nothing about. (Seriously, what is Corsi??)
Pssh. No. We didn’t.
We decided to take a look at what it would be like if these two teams worked at a circus/traveling carnival.
First of all, Phil and Amy are the ringleaders, obviously. Let’s face it, the Biters are basically a circus, so this is not much of a stretch at all. (For y’all new kids who don’t know, joining the Biters entails a hazing period in which the frosh must wear a mascot-esque costume and be pelted with eggs, silly string, and dildos for 24-48 hours. Craig liked it so much that he requests it continue for him during halftime of every game.)
Much like on the Biters, Phil and Amy orchestrate everything that goes on under the big top with this misfit band of carnies.
Rich is the circus’ Strong Man. No. He isn’t. Derho can outbench him by like 50 pounds. (Glanzer, do you even lift, bruh?) Upon losing the job to Derho, Rich slinks away crying, while Derho is smiling more than Tommy Cho with a mouthful of South Patch Watermelons.
Sig rides a unicycle. This is not for the circus show, though. It’s just because that dude is a total hipster.
Much like in real life, Caroline plays with fire. (We won’t say whether or not she gets burned.)
Walsh enters the lion enclosure and is promptly eaten alive…(wait, all the deaths from last week have me mixing this preview up, focus – this is a circus, not a horror movie)…Walsh enters the lion enclosure and holds one of the baby lions up, Simba style, as a lame joke. Jeff and Alexa laugh, out of pity. Nothing violent happens to the three of them, at all.
Marko guesses people’s weight. While she is at it, she’ll also critique your outfit, and clue you in on the fact that those shoes are so last season, girl.
Coco, Ryann, Miles, Carrie, Chris, Timmy, and Roman’s brother all eat too much cotton candy and end up barfing all over each other. It looked something like this. (This extreme display of vomitus is essentially a regular old Saturday night for the Biters.)
Alyssa takes tickets. She is very professional and proper about it, taking her job very seriously and never getting involved in any of the mayhem that the others engage in.
Coach has an cozy office in back where he manages the whole business, he is too old for this shit.
The newest Biters recruit. Phil will show you how it’s done.
Prediction: Sarah gets the Biters on the board early, but Craig gets shelled with more than dildos in this one. 6-3, Fuzz.
Gut Rot at What the Puck
by Fanatical Warlock
The surly and whoopsie Rotters have had a tough go of it lately by dropping some close games. To get back on track against a divisional foe they’ll need for Perko to be firing from every angle with Hannah providing solid backend support. If Mark is back in the lineup this Sunday then hopefully #akhilnation can slot in at wing and collect some biscuits.
Scott is back in net this Sunday and looking to avenge his Vesa Toskala like goal that went in from the length of the court against Gut Rot earlier in the season. He’s missed most of the Pucks’ divisional clashes, but warriors like Claire and Sam have been present to hold things down. Can Hani get his butt to the courts on time this week? The gang sure hopes so.
Prediction: Scott avenges his early season snafu and John C pulls ahead of Russ in roomie scoring race with Pucks winning 4-2.
Pretty accurate.
Tompkins Square Riots at Mega Touch
by Arya Stark
While the Butchers and Hookers garner most of the 3:30 attention, a potential first round playoff preview will be going down on the East Court as the current 13 seed Mega Touch faces off with the current 19 seed Riots. Will Mega fall to 14th or will the Riots fall to 20th? Probably both, but we promised Isaac a preview here so let’s check the line:
Tompkins Square Riots (+150) o 6.5 (EVEN)
Mega Touch (-170) u 6.5 (-120)
On paper this may look like an easy win for Mega but their record is somewhat deceptive, their only four wins coming against Gut Rot, the Rainbows and this very Riots team. We don’t use strength of schedule in BTSH but let’s just say the RPI on this one puts it somewhere in Big Sky range. The last time these two faced off was May 20 when Mega took down the Riots 2-1, no thanks to any men on their roster (depending on how their goalie self-identifies). Current #myROY favorite Shelly put in her first BTSH goal while Liz Boylan, who is decidedly not on their roster, potted one more goal than she has for the LBS all year (hey, defense is tough). Since that meeting, the Riots notched the biggest upset in recent history over Cobra Kai and shellacked the Rainbows 6-1, but also got beat pretty badly in their three other games (I could be more specific if the July 15 box scores were ever posted). Meanwhile, since that May 20 matchup, Mega has lost to Math, WTP and the Rehabs in regulation and Karma in an LOLSO while beating Gut Rot 4-1. This game is a lot closer than it looks on paper, and the x-factor may well be in goal where Dave GDR has a lot to prove after being unexpectedly cut by a Basic Beaches team that everyone told me didn’t give a shit about winning and would never do something like that.
Fun Fact: Mega’s logo was supposed to have both fingers touching the nipples of whomever was wearing the shirt (no word on if they got consent).
Prediction: Mega should probably look into giving Liz another call-up, and not just because her the BTSH gambling community needs to set an early line for the Olympic Arm Wrestling competition where she and Shelly are two of the early favorites. Julie is their lone other female scorer this year and it remains to be seen if her back allows her to play at 100%. Assuming she’s still gimpy and none of the 2-3 random dudes who randomly show up once a month to play for Mega make it in for this game, I’m taking the Riots to pull the upset and notch their third (and possibly final) victory of the season.