BTSH 2026 Season Preview: Division Two
By: Rich Glanzer
Through some fault of my own but far more fault of Herman, who still hasn’t posted my Fazio
Charity Scam Tournament article, here are the delayed Second Division previews. I wrote them
before the season started, but I will slightly adjust them after Week One.
Corlears Hookers
There aren’t many teams who have as much comradery (editor’s note: I’m leaving in Glanzer’s spelling and assuming it’s an artistic choice) as the Hookers. At the 25th Anniversary Party, they all came in matching sweatsuits, with bedazzling (I’m told by my co-worker that means putting Rhinestones on clothing) done by their women.
On the blacktop, this tightknit unit showed up. Literally. According to the Org., they had 11 players who played in double digits. I remember during one rainout, they all got wet and scrimmaged, instead of angrily screaming at Tarnow and Herman. Their loss, yelling at those two is fun. On the rink, the Hookers have a new goalie named Carl. I don’t know much about Carl (editor’s note: He’s Swedish and puts banana on pizza), but this makes me want to join the Hookers and yell at him whenever he gives up a goal, which should be relatively often as Carl is not good at goalie.
But Carl better play well, as Nicky was the only Hooker to reach double digits in goals last year, though Ethan was close with 9 goals in 9 games. Besides team spirit (which I’m not shitting on, I feel it’s truly important), the biggest strength the Hookers have are their women. With Morgan, Jenna, and Anna leading the way, this is a top-five unit, if not higher. Overall, the Hooks came in 12th in scoring, and if they want to be true contenders, they need to improve their O. But off-ice togetherness often leads to on-ice success, so I expect the Hookers to be like the Sky Fighters: in every game, even if a team has more talent than them. This should be a good season for them, as I expect a top-eight finish. Week One was the blueprint for the Hookers as Jenna and Morgan scored, and 14 players showed in their 5-3 win vs. the Lbs.
Instant Karma
Before we begin, a personal story. I was at a NY Eve party this year and pretty drunk. I was on the bathroom line with Cat T., and she was being so super sweet to me. This literally never happens. Then I realized I was actually standing next to Sarah Goss and it made a lot more sense, since Sarah is like the sweetest person in the world and Cat is the Antichrist.
Karma took on Cat’s lead and pillaged and smote the whole Third division last year, and they were
promoted to the Second Division. Jokes aside, this team sans the goalie can play. Sean had 23 goals in 13 games and Jill P. had
8 goals in 8 games.
Friedman
Karma is very much like the Hookers. It’s a tight knit group and when you see one player there’s prob two or three behind them. This leads to spirited play on the courts. Add Sean K., who for my money is the best forechecker in the league, and I see Karma hanging in the top conference.
Alexa wants to remind them that they could use a second ref other than Isaac, and I would like to remind Liz that she could do better.
Poutine Machine
There are tough losses, and then there are tough losses. Up by a goal with a minute left, Poutine looked like they were going to nab their first championship. But after peppering one of the leagues best goalies, Jeff G., for 49 minutes, FK finally broke through the wall and then scored the OT winner. Since the Modern Era of BTSH (2008-2015) started, and at least the year prior, this is the closest a team has come to winning a championship but instead losing.
But my favorite saying is, you either win or you learn. And Poutine has the opportunity to learn. Poutine didn’t play great getting to the finals. They needed a shootout to beat the Lbs. who only had one man and female/nb subs. They were down two to the Rens midway through the second half before a furious comeback. I joked to them before the finals that they actually are allowed to play a good game and not just rely on Jeff.
Poutine is a good team. A real good team. They have excellent players who are somewhat unknown to most of the league. Sam is a scoring machine and though he’s a “free agent” he’s obviously going to come back and be playoff eligible (I don’t love this as it takes away from real free agents who are trying to get into the league). Jo Robin is one of the best two way players in the game and Karina and Little Mel turned into scoring machines with 14 and eight goals respectively.
I expect them to suffer a little bit of a hangover this season but that’s regular season Poutine. Post season Poutine is a contender. #RIPJeromeTho
Gouging Anklebiters
There’s no way to sugarcoat this. This may have been the worst off-season ever for a BTSH franchise. Gone are their all time leading scorer in Probert, their all-time best goalie in Craig (editor’s note: We’re all trying to find the guy who did this), as well as Jack, Annie, Simon, Scotty, Craig, and Alex H. Let me look if Joe P. has registered. He hasn’t. So that’s at least some good news for the Biters. Basically, everyone left them.
But a hero has emerged…no…not that Hero.
It’s Jared. Jared is the hero. The teams longest tenured player and league legend Caroline says Jared brought in a few of his friends, and they are good. Word on the street is she’s right. While they lost game one, both Lil Mel and her boyfriend and lottery winner, Cardello, both said the Biters are gooood. And no, Cardello didn’t win the lotto for going out with Mel, it’s because Alex took him on the Lbs. and he has a legit shot at winning the BTSH Championship.
OK, I prob should start talking about the Biters again in their preview. The two things the Biters didn’t have going into opening day was a goalie and female/nb players. The goalie situation has been solved. Free Agent Tyler has chosen them like Hero cho…ok I’ll stop. Let’s just say everyone who saw Tyler that I trust (Caroline, Mel and Cardello) say he’s good. They still need women as they only have Sarah, Caroline and Haley, so be like Barney, suit up and get the Biters some women!
I have no idea how the Biters will do, but I have a feeling they’ll land on their feet and not join the BTSH graveyard of the Elves, Rehabs, Math, Unicorns etc.
Fuzz
Fuzz went from Champions to Chumps in 2025, as Poaching Season and a retirement hit them hard. Going into 2026, Fuzz had no goalie, a group of broken Elderlies, a passionate but small group of women and some superstars who are desperately looking for a supporting cast good enough to lift the PBR Cup. Things started to head in the right direction when Joe M. joined the squad, but by halftime of the Super Bowl, we still were short a lot of women, no goalie, and worst of all…no goalie prospects. But while riding the elliptical having Bad Bunny on mute (no shade but I’m listening to Gaslight Anthem and WWE music during workouts), a thought crossed my mind. What if I poached Craig?
After an awkward text message exchange, but glorious 43-minute phone call later that week, Craig decided to go championship hunting, and actually try to earn holding the PBR Cup, instead of ridiculously posing for a picture in which each and every one of them (especially him) committed hockey sacrilege.
Now Fuzz has at least three but probably four rookie women (and one rookie woman on the IL who will try and sell you delicious cookies), a goalie, two out of the three healthy Elderlies and a group of superstars who can will win the BTSH Championship with this supporting cast. But winning wouldn’t really mean anything if this was a bunch of part-timers trying to get their 6 games in. Check out the attendance picture for Week One. We also had more people outside Royale in the freezing cold than any other team, including Jeff and Alexa’s children. This isn’t a collection, it’s a team.
