Breaking News: Endorsements Have Swept the League due to Ref Fee Increases!
Many teams have had to garner subway ad endorsements to make Sunday summer fun 2015 at Tompkins possible, Hseih reports.
A note to the reader: this is what I remember from these interviews, word for word, if, I had actually interviewed them, which I cannot remember. –Hsieh
I caught up with Ryan from the Gremlins to hear his heart-wrenching story.
“The Gremlins love BTSH, and we always held this league in a special place in our hearts,” Ryan started. “However, after hearing the news of what was coming down the pipe in reffing fees, I am in shock. I knew it meant one thing—I didn’t have the money, none of us did—I would have to sell my 1970 AMC Gremlin, our team’s mascot and clown car, which we have so many great memories of all 15 of us getting in and driving to Tompkins Square hoping we wouldn’t get rear-ended. Rodney has to part with his 1971 Ford Pinto now, too. It’s a sad day to be a Gremlin…” (Ryan breaks into tears)
“And now! I just got word that our goalie, Jamie—had to sell all of his clothes for pennies on the dollar, in order to play this year because he has to pay the increase for all five teams he plays on. What is he going to do—he only owns a pair of mesh shorts and sunglasses now! This still wasn’t enough money, so we had to get an endorsement and change our name. We are legally now the NanoBraces… we are so broke… what are we, the MTA?! The horror—the horror…”(Ryan continues to cry, falling onto his knees)
I wasn’t sure if I could do another interview, after hearing what the Gremlins were going through. Luckily, the Gremlins NanoBraces invited me out for their last clown car to Tompkins ride of their careers.
It was a sad ride, but soon we were in Alphabet City. Things went from sad to worse. Off in the distance, we recognized two folks. I know fundraising is hard, but it appeared two BTSHers sprung up something harder. Anklebiter Craig “Touch My Dinkus” LaCombe and Pounder Tommy C-Lami were enjoying their teams fundraising methods so much, it appeared they quit their jobs to permanently touch their toes for people near Tompkins.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2gVhZT1tHzg
John Walker puked, Rodney pulled out a dollar, we drove away as fast as possible.
We got back to Tompkins to catch up with the man presumably so downtrodden, we could barely do the interview…
“Dan Hopper! Where are you living now? I know that Williamsburg rent just keeps going up and up, the Oasis falafel place raised their rates from $3 a pita to $4.50, $5 beer and shot specials are getting harder to find by the minute in the Burg. How are you handling this?”
“Why do you look so glum, Hsieh—I just put down on an apartment in Tribeca—SHIT! I never thought I could say I was a rich man, but thanks to BTSH and those few captains, I’ve finally made it! Before, I thought I’d just be a lowly renter being a pioneer my whole life gentrifying neighborhoods before rich trust funders outgentrified me, only then to be kicked out by them! Now, I already got a superbowl ad spot for 30 seconds—and it’s just a picture of my face! Hell, I’ve got so much money from reffing the first week, I was going to see Dr. Zizmor, then realized, fuck—I can just buy the man and make him my personal doctor! Life’s good, damn good.” And then a car horn went off, Hopper gave me the finger.
“Well lame-o, that’s my ride!” and wandered to his limo that just showed up.
