BTSH 2026 Season Preview – Division Four
By: Rich Glanzer
If every division had an MVP, the Fourth would have three co-MVPs for the 2026 season. Co-
commissioners Mike Tarnow and Adam Herman, along with former Riots captain Suz, all realized it was no fun having the Fourth Division play the First. Thanks to the Commissioners for coming up with multiple schedules, and to Suz for calling every player and captain to ever play in BTSH, as well as the 5 living United States Presidents, and using a Ouija board to attempt to summon
recently departed Jimmy Carter.
We can retire the Simpsons meme that Walker loves so much, as the first and fourth divisions will no longer play each other.
Riots
New Riots captain Dave Zuckerman is creating a tsunami with his moves and has put the rest of the Fourth Division on notice.
Now let me preface this. I have spoken to Zuck on the phone numerous times about him captaining the Riots. We have texted. I have offered advice. We played on the same D5 team. I know this man. So when I asked captains if they wanted a preview of their team, this is the email I received.
“Hi Rich, This is Zuck. I was on Moby Dekes last season and will be joining the Riots this year as captain.”
While Zuck may have the memory of Drew Barrymore in 50 First Dates, there is literally no one in the league with more passion to improve their team. He has added several players, including Jacob Berkowitz, who scored 18 goals in 14 games last year for the Dekes. Zuck swears all new recruits will play competitively every shift and bring more talent than those who left. I’m a Mike Millstein Guy, so that remains to be seen.
Rainbows
But before we crown the Riots as D4 Champions, the Rainbows are going to have something to say about that. They had 12 points in the Third Division and are now dropping down. Ellie is returning from her ACL surgery and can already squat more than 95% of the division (seriously, it’s more than 200 pounds and Hicks, Pete G. and I are super proud of her). However I don’t actually have high hopes for these losers, as they graciously invited me into their Survivor 49 pool and my niece and I smoked them all. But I am offering my winnings to buy them a pitcher of beer as I really do like them all, even/especially Cat.
Moby Dekes
It was a rough off-season for the Dekes. Retirement took Zach and Diane. Karly, Zuck and Berkowitz left for other teams in the division and Mr. Grumpy himself, Kirky, is threatening to become a Free Agent, in hopes the Rehabs take him back. Sadly, no one told Kirky the Rehabs disbanded like 5 years ago.
But all is not lost. They brought back former Gut Rotter Ramon S. and Murad L. from D5, so I would expect them to have good attendance which is half the battle. DGDR is the most beloved man in the league and while he may not win the Vezina, you know there’s a dog in that net and teams tend to fight hard when they know their goalie is.
What The Puck
What the Puck turns 25 this year and their captain, Susie, wants to celebrate this franchise achievement. They have a rich history as they won the 2006 Championship and lost in the finals in 2009 and 2011.
Unfortunately those days seem a lifetime ago, and this year they will have some big holes to fill as their top goal scorer Tyler is moving to Canada, and perhaps their best player Cole has moved to Chicago and part-time status. While this may worry some, Justin M. and Susie are as cool as the other side of the pillow. Justin says, “We picked up two ladies, added a sub and added two more guys that I don’t know who the hell they are. We picked up strays.” Susie says these players are far from strays. “We added Jonathan G. who plays in the NABL as well as a few friends of Evan who was one of our top scorers.”
While I don’t see them reliving the Corey Winters glory days, if these players are young, competitive and skilled, there’s no reason that they can’t surprise a few folks.
Butchers
The Butchers did not reply to my message so I don’t know how their off-season is going, other than Michigan girl Taylor is on the FA list. Hopefully Micah will not join her as he led them with 11 goals. Perhaps the most concerning stat for the Butchers is Chadwick’s attendance. For the first time since he left the Elves it was good…which is rough news for our maroon friends.
Predictions:
I’m buying the hype. I expect the Riots to come in first, the Rainbows to come in second, Dekes in third, WTP in fourth, and the Butchers 5th.