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This Sunday we find ourselves at the culmination of another BTSH season. Don’t expect me to insert anything sappy, as we all know salty is my media personality’s snack of choice (aside from a dairy intensive post-game chocolate milk). Here are the box scores and updated playoff leaders after the Round of 16 (when the playoffs really start) and the Quarterfinals (which was when I stopped caring) and then some Schlitz Cup action to boot (which my team was too good to qualify for? Ca C’est Encroyable!).

I look forward to (re)thinking up some new cheer signs for this year’s final four….Speaking of cheering on friends still in it; hopefully Roberts won’t get first line minutes anymore so he is more poach-able after the POUNDS win in the finals and bring on not just W, but O, and QMJ- HL’ers for 2019…

…on to the box scores!

 

Round of Sixteen

 

Mega 1 @ Filthier 2

Mega – PizzaLightning Best Referee Alex EM (1)

Goalie Loss – Mike T (1-1)

Filthier – The Mule x2 (2)

Game Notes: In the M-ilthier (there’s no “M” in that word as my btsh fb group trolling protégé of 2018 would say) matchup, Richard Picard was not to be found and neither was a chance of victory after Filthier came out with two quick goals in the second half to spoil Mega’s 1 goal lead which stood through half time.

 

GANK 2 @ Gremlins 0

GANK – Alex “Derho”, Jason “Bourne”

Goalie Shutout Win – Craig LaC (1-0, 1 shutout)

Goalie Loss – Jamie B (0-1)

Game Notes: Walker asked the clock to be counted down audibly from 10 seconds to close the first half, which allowed Jason “Bourne”– still recounting his steps of how he became assigned to play for the Gouging Anklebiters of BTSH after waking up dizzy in Ben Probert’s West Village apartment one Sunday morning (okay I know you don’t get it, it’s a Bourne movie reference, but I’m not finished yet) and how they made it through 5 of 18 regular season games with him on the roster and now on to the quarters against a dojo- to score with “TWOoooo” seconds left on the clock…. “soooorry aboot that” to Marcella and non-Walker Gremlin teammates who had to suffer through that painful, season ending ten second countdown.

 

Math 1 @ Fuzz 3

Math – Rich “Fuzz Killer” Glnzr not an arguable own goal**

Goalie Loss – David W-L (1-1)

Fuzz – Boy Ryan H (1), Miles (1), Alexa (1)

Goalie Win – A. Coach (1-0)

Game Notes: Where were all the NWHL’ers that Sam promised the Mathletes at season’s [Walker can you help identify the word which would be the opposite of “end”, which would fit here?]?

Quick Shifts: The game sheet had Miles’ name crossed out for Ryan’s goal so I therefore deduced it was Boy Ryan (but tyvm fearless ref scheduler for clarifying in a separate email!) ….You (anyone) can claim the Math goal at first come first serve…sort of like how we schedule playoff games….wait so what the heck is home field advantage for higher seeds if they don’t get first choice?

**Edits before going to print: NYC Caps Crew vet Justin P has been currently allotted the Math goal (and Sam doesn’t exit the Round of 16 as the leading scorer in the playoffs, unable to add on from his deuce in the play in round).

 

WTP 1 @ FK 3

DaPucks – Z. Defector (1) (oh god that only makes sense saying “zed” the American way…)

Goalie Loss – Scott H (0-1)

FK – Ariel (1), Tom R x2 (2)

Goalie Win – Barch (1-0)

Game Notes: Like many games from his (award winning) rookie campaign, Hogg gets a late meaningful/less goal to spoil a shutout bid, this time at the hands of Seashell Haramb(a)e teammate Barch – who hasn’t even asked him to pay his share of the OC hotel room cost from #HockeyBeach2018 (free real estate memes, anyone?) …FK remained strategic and opportunistic for the entirety of the contest with a short bench and made sure once they got the ice breaker, to never relinquish the lead.

Quick Shifts: WTP played valiantly in what ends up being Emily’s final game as (co?) captain- who has given this one-of-the-few-very-original-btsh-franchises-remaining-in-existence some life as the old guard left over half a decade ago now- but it wasn’t to be as all 3 goals started off turnovers to Tom and most offensive rushes ended up being blocked by the likes of Roxy (who played the entire game) and Eugene and Pat (who shared some great relative fenwick to corsi differential over their half of the game each)….When looking over questioning the playoff rosters, we only knew Tom qualified for the playoffs because he scored a goal in all 5 games he played (sometimes it hurts to track stats sequentially…)

 

Demons 1 @ POUNDS 3

Demons – Mike Miles (2) (if they really had a Mike who scored as the game sheet says, why did he wait until the Round of 16 to score his first of the 2018 campaign, huh??)

Goalie Loss – Zach W-L (1-1)

Pounds – Karsten (1), Ajay “Kopitar” (1), Jake (1) (we’ll just assume it’s the guy from the dub)

Goalie Win – Zisser (1-0)

Game Notes: I heard this one was (un)surprisingly crispsy, I mean, chippy.

 

Hookers 1 @ Rehabs 4

Hookers – Josh (1) (interesting, another new player added to my scoring chart for the season, when did this bozo get “sworn” in to the Hookers lineup??!!)

Goalie Loss – Dustin (0-1)

Rehabs – Alex WM (1), Carlton Dance (1), Ramy Of the Blue Man group (1), Monique R (1)

Goalie Win – Eric R (1-0)

Game Notes: Cro learns the hard way that true reckless hockey is one in which you give up more goals than the other team by playing only efence (where is the D?! there isn’t one because there isn’t any!) and the Hookers fail to return to the Quarterfinals….Rehabs looked impressive and will definitely beat Fuzz next round and get back to the final; I’m sure of it with the short lineup Fuzz is expected to have.

Quick Shifts: Alex WM scored early with a shot heard around the world (not so much from the shot so much as the Hookers letting the Rehabs know that he was wide open at the point)….Carlton seemingly matched his goals scored in the regular season in one playoff game….maybe he matched the games played tally on this day too?!

 

IK 1 @ PM 2 (F/SO)

Karma – Derek ZED (1)

Goalie Shootout Loss – Charlie O’D via Rehab(s) Re-entry Draft

Poutine – Mikey M (1)

Shootout Winner – Hornswoggle CR7

Goalie Win – RJ (1-0)

Game Notes: Karma looked to hold the balance of power/play in this game but it was not to be as instant karnage was what became of a great bounce back top 12 campaign after another impressive shootout winner by BTSH vet JVR (I guess if you’re around for a few years you get some practice at these things!)

 

Dank Bows 1 @ CK 3

Bows – Cat (Beef, not Dragon) (1)

Goalie Loss – Greenwald (1-1)

CK – Siena “Foligno” (1), Liam (1), Will (1)

Goalie Win – Campbell W (1-0)

Game Notes: Rainbows combined margin of defeat against CK in their two matinee affairs this year (3!) is what I presume to be roughly a third of the one game against each other in 2017- highlighting the sense of optimism for Tia’s newly darkened (does everyone really want to wear black in 40 degree Celsius weather?), dark rainbows clan, going into 2019 (until Yetter and that dude in the black pinner gets poached).

Quick Shifts: Will scored the empty netter just to ensure he stay ahead of Liam by one goal (he does play defense, btw) in total on the year, season and playoffs combined.

 

Schlitz Cup

 

TSR 1 @ Gut Rot 0

TSR – David F (1)

Goalie Shutout Win – Dave GdR (1-0, 1 shutout in the Schlitz)

Goalie Loss – Charlie O’D via PBR Punchout

 

Mega 0 @ Rainbows 1

Goalie Loss – Jeff H (0-1)

Rainbows – Dan C (1)

Goalie Win – Greenwald (1-0; 1 shutout in the Schlitz)

 

Quarterfinals

This was some good hackey eh! On to more box scores…

 

Rehabs 2 @ Fuzz 3 (F/OT)

Rehabs – Alex WM (2), Joey (1)

Goalie OTL – Eric R (1-0-1)

Fuzz – Gil (1), Jeff x2 (2)

Goalie Win – A. Coach (2-0)

Game Notes: I didn’t get to see Jeff’s goal real time in OT, but I got to recreate it with him later that night in our first of two MENS LEAGUE games. I think this calls for a pause…. Moving on! (For your own visual reenactment of the OT winner, I’d like to redirect you to the offices of “Robert” GLNZR of Crime Stoppers Long Island)

 

GANK 0 @ CK 1 (F/SO)

Goalie Shutout Shootout Loss – Craig LaC (1-0-1; 2 shutouts)

Goalie Shutout Shootout Win – Campbell W-W (2-0; 1 shutout)

Shootout Winner – Topshelf Tommy with help from Liam to seal the LoLShootoutWin

Game Notes: Campbell can be upbeat this week for his Black Squirrels friends who were in attendance- to see his best performance of the season- as CK finally shake off the cobwebs for a shootout win. Good thing no one is aware of the rule where if you throw your stick in a penalty shot situation, it’s an awarded goal (yayaya Derho moved backwards anyways, we know GLNZR, we know).

Quick Shifts: Losing Just isn’t a part of the CK playoff version of the btsh glossary heading into the final weekend as (wait is that a long lost week 18 box score reference? Good thing our media doesn’t mind re-posting the same bits, especially when people didn’t notice it the first time –I guess it’s a thing)….Craig gets another shutout, and somehow finds himself and GANK out of the playoffs….guess the saying “if you don’t let in a goal we can’t lose” isn’t entirely true L

 

Poutine 1 @ POUNDS 2

Poutine – Jonathan C (1)

Goalie Loss – RJ (1-1)

POUNDS – Jake from the dub (2), Roberts (1)

Goalie Win – Zisser (2-0)

Game Notes: Roberts capitalizes on first line minutes and doesn’t disappoint after returning from another work trip to NY for weekend hockey as he became the recipient of a wide open slightly less than a four-by-six after a coolly delivered set up from an always competitive Karsten forecheck which gave the Pounds the differential they needed to not have Roberts post aboot LOLshootouts all week and finish the game in regulation time!!!

Quick Shifts: For the first time in a few tries, POUNDS get out of a Katz Southeast Divisional three team matchup without any write-ups. We’ll call this one surprisingly clean!

 

FK 1 @ Filthier 3

FK – Nicole (1) (what’s this now, another brand new name for playoff scoring – who vets these rosters?)

Goalie Loss – Barch (1-1)

Filthier – James (1), The Mule x2 (4)

Goalie Win – Tim K (2-0)

Game Notes: The F teams which Hicks always gets confused with (make sure you have which team you’re jumping ship to next year straightened oot!) traded early goals and the addition of Gabe for the quarterfinals wasn’t enough to hold off Sean from picking up another playoff pair as Filthier show FK the door on the first of two back to back non PBR winning campaigns (assuming the usual once every three years is still the works)

Quick Shifts: Another two goals from Salt Boy Bills Mafia Buffalo Boy Sean “the Mule” Mullane….Why the heck did the Thints hide this kid back on defense in OC? ….I guess the ideal replacement for Suvin didn’t necessarily have to be a true Canadian…the buffalo winters are basically the same as in Regina, Saskatchewan.

 

Schlitz Cup Scores

 

TSR 2 @ Dank Bows 5

TSR – Suz x2 (2)

Goalie Loss – Dave GdR (1-1 in the Schlitz)

Bows – Karl (1), Matt F (1), Yetter (1), Wes (1), Dan C (1)

Goalie Win – Greenwald (2-0 in the Schlitz)

Game Notes: Rainbows have clinched a Schlitz-ship game on Sunday regardless of how they fair in their final game. TSR looks to improve to 2-1 against Mega to get the same opportunity and a rematch of this one.

 

Rut Rot 1 @ Mega 3

Rut Rot – Ellery is this a troll? (1)

Goalie Loss – EitanTheGoalie viaLemmeSchlitzWitYou

Mega – Caitlin via AF, Jeff B (1), Jonathan H (1)

Goalie Win – Jeff H (1-1 in the Schlitz)

Game Notes: Julie feel free to send me your weekly roundup of the stats we got wrong to all 5 of my personal/btsh inboxes. Thanks in advance! Signed, Zac Ball Hogg (insert signature here)

Update: We get our Jeff’s sorted out now!

 

Playoff Leaders

Scoring

Suz TSR – 2 Goals in Schlitz

Sean “the Mule” Filthier – 4 Goals in PBR

Some others have 2 goals in PBR action including Jeff (1 was a OT GWG) of Fuzz, Alex WM of the recently eliminated REEEEhabs, Sam (both from the Play in Round so Meh) of Math, Tom (both on my team so another mEH) of Fresh Kills, and Jake (but he played professionally so one final MEH) of POUNDS.

Goalies

Geenwald carries a 2-0 record, with a GAA of 1 and 1 shutout to match in the Schlitz

Craig LaC GANK – 2 shutouts; 1-0-1 record and ends the PBR playoffs with a GAA of zero 🙁

Some other goalies are 2-0 and Campbell is the only one of those with a shutout to my knowledge so I’m going to stop pumping his tires right here: /tirepumping

 

 

 

 

These will be the easiest box scores since week 1 because it’s that time of the year where we will re-set the scoring to count “playoff” goals rather than combine regular season and playoffs. Otherwise, Teets McGee would win by 10+ goals again like in past years if Fuzz! goes far(ther than last year).

On to the box scores…

 

Gut Rot 1 @ Demons 4

Gut Rot – Scott K (1)

Goalie Loss – Goalie Ed (0-1)

Demons – Bar Down Brad (1), Rubens (1), Zach T (1), Miles (1)

Goalie Win – Zach L (1-0)

Game Notes: Gut Rot didn’t have to worry about any phantom goals or any goals at all from Zach with an F but the rest of the Demons showed up and gave them too much to handle.

Quick Shifts: After an early marker by Gut Rot, the tide of the game was turning. With just a minute to go in the first half, Bar Down Brad (no Boatsexing, please) tied the game…Demons got a marker shortly thereafter in the second period, when after “W”ideo review (a short stoppage of play to conference), the referees determined that Demons had legally scored prior to a player entering the crease….from there that was all she wrote as the Demons piled on with two more goals to close out this play in game, 4-1.

 

‘Bows 4 @ Butchers 1

Rainbows – JessicaD (1), Brett H (1), Karl “Good’ay Mate” S (1), Dan (1)

Goalie Win – Greenwald (1-0)

Butchers – Dana (1)

Goalie Loss – Tim Brk (0-1)

Game Notes: Hearing all the cheering on the East court I wanted to stop refereeing the game on the West court. But from what I gather, some weird things happened and Rainbows got oot to an early lead. Some former field hockey players scored…and the Butchers couldn’t mount a comeback without Super Dave…the end.

Quick Shifts: Butchers lose their opening round playoff game to a division 4 team for the second time in two consecutive years….Yetter decided he didn’t have enough time to score (his btsh usual) two goals so he sat the second half off.

 

TSR 0 @ Mega 3

Goalie Loss – Dave GdR (0-1)

Mega – Michelle “kind of rhymes with Richard” Picard (1), Jeff B (1), Max T (1)

Goalie Shutout Win – Mike T (1-0; 1 shutout)

Game Notes: Everyone’s playoff bracket is yet to implode (what do you mean you picked Butchers?) as Shelly was able to skip oot early from her NWHL morning skate and make the Mega game on time.

 

Math 5 @ SKY 3

Math – Zach N (1), Jon M (1), Sam N x2 (2), James “Bobblehead” Bobby W (1)

Goalie Win – David L (1-0)

SKY – Christian H (1), Jake T (1), James McQ (1)

Goalie Loss – OG James (0-1)

Game Notes: Zach made sure that Sam reffed at 1pm so that he would be at their game on time (which is funny because they both literally showed up to the courts at 1:05pm….)

Quick Shifts: With Math and Demons locking up playoff round wins, both goalies with the “L” initial actually had “W’s”, a far cry from both going L-L-L-L….to start the year…..Sam takes an early lead in playoff scoring with the only multi goal game on the day with his brace which helped pace Math to a win.

 

This Playoff Round in Tweets

Keeping it light this week. See everyone Sunday.

 

Playoff Leaders

Goals

1) Sam of the Norrii Clan – Math (2)

 

Goalies

1) Mike T – Mega (1 Win, 1 Shutout)

 

Once more goalies get more shutouts (or multiple wins) and other players score more than 1 goal, we will continue to add to the above list on a weekly basis!

The BTSH season is coming to a close and that means its playoff extra tournament time! Post HockeyBeach, and another anti-climactic Shortis win in Ocean City, there is a ladies tournament coming in hot on September 15th to our very own Rockaway Beach. It’s aptly named Hock-away, and that pun is probably the best gag in this entire article (not to mention the TVM – time value of media, not money – is so low given the timing of this post anyways), so you might as well just stop reading here, after signing up, of course: here ladies.

Speaking of September tournaments, Cuba Gooding Jr made an appearance at one of inaugural JW invitational committee members’ birthdays this long weekend!

 

On to the box scores…

 

Week 17

Week 9 

Demons 3 @ Poutine 2 (F/OT)

Demons – Miles S (5), Josh Bash Brosen x2 (5)

Goalie Win – Hector $h0wT!m3 Melendez via FA

Poos – Nic H (2), TJ via Half Price Hamilton Tix (1)

Goalie OT Loss – Peter Parker via Air Canada

Game Notes: Teams were finally able to finish their game from earlier in the season…but of course they found a way to rain out their later one.

Quick Shifts: If you accidentally cross the Ottawa river from the Quebec side (in the case you are older than 18 and don’t need need to hang in Dirty Hull), Zak’s Diner has a poutine with enough smoked meat on it to match Cat’s Beef Beat (goes well with a large glass of chocolate milk too).

 

Week 17

Riots 1 @ Pucks 3

Riots – David F (4)

Goalie Loss – Dave GdR (2-11-1, GAA of a fallen basic beach)

Pucks – Justin (5), Sam McI (2), Steve T (1)

Goalie Win – Zac “back in my country there is no 18 yard box at and below the faceoff dots to cover the” Ball Hogg (2-0-0, GAA of a rapper)

Game Notes: When Izzy predicts us to lose, we usually win. It’s the guy on the left (James Duthie) effect, just like when he picked the Sabres to beat the Sens in the 2007 East Finals just because of his prognostication tendency to pick the Sens in playoff series they’d end up losing (which is/was at a Capitals like rate back in that era….sigh)

 

Hookers 2 @ Fuzz 4

Hookers – Tiff (6), TJ via Full Price Hamilton Tix (4)

Goalie Loss – Eitan via LemmeGoalie5Eva

Fuzz – Mike Teyt (21), Paul x3 (4)

Goalie Win – Coach (13-1-1, GAA of 2.27)

Game Notes: If only it was the Richard era and Fuzz could have given all of Paul’s goals to Teets. Unlike Gordie, Teets has earned his previous scoring championships. (Hopefully that last line didn’t trigger HICKSY like all my unassisted tucks at #HockeyBeach2018)

 

Rut Rot 2 @ Cobra Kai 4

RR – Heather A (1), Tommy C (3)

Goalie Loss – Goalie Ed (4-9-0, GAA of yes since Ed is now a mofo teammate and took over my goalie spot on Thints for 2018 he’ll continue to be lightly roasted- I’m not going to sit here and pump his tires)

CK – Big Russ x2 (4), JJ (3), Will G (7)

Goalie Win – Campbell (11-0-2, GAA of 1.16)

Game Notes: Good thing we play sneaker hockey and not sneaker footy because there were two own goals shared between both teams…I could not imagine the travesty of two players not getting awarded the goals they (did not) rightfully score (as they get recorded as OG’s in futbol). #FirstWorldBallHockeyProblems

Quick Shifts: Ed was in form again after a Luongo-in-Florida-before-Vancouver-like-40-save-4+-Goals-Against effort against Fuzz in Week 16 and followed it up with another valiant effort which included a Nabby-before-choking-for-the-millionth-time-against-the-Avs-on-that-Dan-Boyle-own-goal-on-the-reverse-chunked-in-the-net-in-OT like save in this game.

 

Pounds 2 @ Filthier 1

Pounds – ScottyK (19), Jake C (5)

Goalie Win – a light sizzle (10-3-2, GAA of 1.80)

Filthier – OP James (14)

Goalie Loss – Tim K (12-5-0, GAA of 1.89)

Game Notes: Luke was denied a Cheechoo like effort to break the deadlock in the second half as he drove to the net a la Brendan Gallagher (you Americans think of….Chris Kreider) and the play was null on a crease violation. However on the subsequent inbound Los Blancos turned over the ball in from the side and Chapsy snipped top corns and that was all she wrote as Pounds iced it in another peculiarly highly physical defensive outing. But since it was a playoff like affair both refs swallowed their whistles (and then their pride after the game).

 

Karma 0 @ Gremlins 2

Goalie Loss – Steve F (5-7-1, GAA of 3.23)

Gremlins – Rod S (3), Iannis T (2)

Goalie Shutout Win: Jamie the Original Varsity Warrior B (9-5-2, GAA of 2.19)

Game Notes: Walker wasn’t texting me all week saying he played horribly so he must have been…at least even on the day plus-minus wise.

Quick Shifts: Prior to the Week 13 rain out, Gremlins had points in 7 straight games, which included a 6 game win streak, but recently had a 3 game skid before righting the ship with a big southeast 3 Katz division win. Will it be enough in time for the playoffs? Of course not, there will be one game in a month prior to the Round of 16, what team is going to be feeling it come that extra unnecessary week off, eh?

 

Poutine 0 @ Demons 0 – PPD slip’n’slide-oot

Game Notes: With 9 and a half minutes left in the first half, everyone but Rubens wanted the game stopped as the teams had played one full game on the day and thought it better than playing more JW would get to over the next few weeks while he was OOO (as the office is clearly anything comprising a black top rink).

 

Fresh 9 @ Butchers 3

FK – Gabe x3 (10), Roxy (1), Frank x2 (3), Tom x2 (6), Soko (7)

Goalie Win – Barch (8-3-1, GAA of an abnormally high subway fare)

Butchers – Dana (3), SUPER Dave (4), Pete D’A (4)

Goalie Loss – Tim Brk (3-6-1)

Game Notes: Has Frank played 5 games?

 

Sky Fighters 4 @ REEEEEEEhabs 7

SKY – Joseph not W x2 (2), Katie S (5), Joe W (8),

Goalie Loss – OG James (4-9-1, GAA of 3.28)

‘habs – Sena (2), Alex WM x2 (10), Hicksy (6), Mo (5), Cherie (9), Buffalo Zach G via WTP (2)

Goalie Win – Hector $h0wT!m3 Melendez (3-1, GAA of a normal subway fare)

Game Notes: Cherie was prepping for OC by getting her Cherie picking on.

 

Math 4 @ ‘biters 5

Math – Josh Wilson x2 via Left Wing Rainbow Poaching (FA), Bradley S (3), Jon M (9)

Goalie Loss – Liang (3-9)

GANK – Chris B (5), Caroline MB (2), Joe P (7), Probie (19), Nolan “Patrick” (1)

Goalie Win – Jamie B via Approved League Sub?

Game Notes: Does Probert care (about the scoring race)? I have screenshots which MAY or may not confirm in the affirmative.

 

Dank-bows 5 @ Mega 4 (F/SO)

‘bows – Josh W Not Wilson Wagner (1), Dan C via FA, Kat “Dragon” C (2), Yetter (7)

Goalie Win – David #MyHotLegs2018 G. (4-9-0, GAA of 3.29)

Shootout Winner – Yetter for almost another two goal effort

Mega – Jeff B (9), Alok G (7), Max T (2), Joe L (4)

Goalie Shootout Loss – Mike T (5-8-2, GAA of 2.93)

Game Notes: I wonder where Yetter picked up the lose-the-ball-and-score -in-the-shootout-for-the-winner move and the chirpy fourth division behaviour….couldn’t have been from any of his new mofo teammates I’m sure.

Quick Shifts: Don’t look now (actually, I had to look at my goalie tracking figures to realize….) the ‘bows have 3 straight wins and could make that streak as many as 5 depending on how the rest of their games on 9/9 go.

Peanuts: Yes, Julie; “What the Puck won anyways”. We can flip the division names around next year, post Week 18 goal differential pending….if you please.

 

Butchers 4 @ Kills 6

Butchers – Pete D’A x2 (6), SUPER Dave (5), Hey Arnold S (1)

Goalie Loss – Tim Brk (3-7-1)

FK – Tom x2 (8), Nick S (7), Ariel (9), Gabe (11)

Goalie Win – Barch (9-3-1, GAA of 2.62)

Game Notes: Has Tom played 5 games?

 

Week 17 (and #HB2018) in Tweets

These are totally not Week 17 related #DoubleClick