Archive for the ‘general interest’ Category
Age of Idiocy: The Untold Story of BTSH’s Rogue Media, One Years Later
Monday, March 19th, 2018In 2017, an ace team of crack reporters covertly assembled under conditions of extreme personal danger. Rising above the abject squalor known as “journalism”, they brought down a government, challenged societal norms, and demoralized an entire community. Now for the very first time it’s time to tell their unabridged, unexpurgated, and underfactual tale, in:
Get to Know Herr (and Him): Meet Your New Co-Commissioners
Wednesday, March 14th, 2018
1. Where are you from?
Sarah: Jersey
Brian: Michigan
Media note: Gee, Brian, nobody saw that answer coming…
2. What do you do for work?
Sarah: Equity Research for Credit Suisse.
Brian: Software Engineering from Two Sigma.
Media Note: It sounds like these two are overqualified for this position, let’s demand a recount…
3. How did you guys meet?
Both: Rich Glanzer. Well actually, trolling Rich Glanzer. (more…)
THEY TRIED TO MAKE ME TO GO REHABS; I SAID NO, NO, NO
Thursday, May 12th, 2016Experienced journalist, Ms. Ophelia Baulls, is back with another expose on the modern BTSH Lady. We hope you enjoy the feature.
By Ophelia Baulls
Photos by Fonda Cox
I was in the bathtub with some quaaludes and Epsom salt when the BTSH ladies called in quite the state. It took me a few minutes to wade through the hysteria, but on the other side, I realized that there was yet another deep dive to be done. In the quest for love and intimacy (something every woman needs even more than a bidet), the women realized that they had all been carelessly cast aside. But what’s even more intriguing, they were cast aside by the same philanderer.
Apparently, there’s the ideal of a perfect woman motivating this guy to churn through ladies faster than my mother through a case of chardonnay – we’ll call him Johnny Rehab to protect his anonymity. But he reportedly wears only a black shirt, with a red logo, and his standard is almost unachievable. Before I say anymore, I’ll let the story unfold in the words of the victims.
Amber
Amber Dawn: Oh, h’ok. Yeah. Swipe left now motherfucker? Wish you’d done that 8 months ago inside of swiping straight ahead with your goddamn crayon sized…
Ophelia: Okay I’m sensing a lot of emotion here, Amber.
Amber Dawn: AMBER DAWN
Ophelia: Yes, sorry. You really were taken in by Johnny, it seems. I’m sympathetic to the delicate state you now find yourself in…
Amber Dawn: I can’t really talk about it yet, I just hope that — when Crystal Jean arrives — she has more sense than her mama.
Ophelia: We’ll leave it there for now. You’re in our prayers.
Amber Dawn: Whatever
Channing
Ophelia: Channing, you come from good stock. I’ll get right to it – how on earth did you fall for this guy?
Channing: Life was a bowl of cherries, Ophelia, until Johnny tarnished my sterling silver world. He was so perfect I thought he would blend right into the family mural. I led a blue ribbon existence, I’m a pedigree, no one has ever turned down this bloodline. I had my breasts INSURED for fuck’s sake. My shoes cost more than your parents’ house. I DECIDE. I swipe left on YOU motherfucker, you piece of…piece of…
Ophelia: Channing? Channing?! Someone call a medic she’s out.
Sloane
Ophelia: Sloane, tell m….
Sloane: YOU think I had fucking time for this? I’M ON TOKYO TIME. I run shit. I finish things. I got the check. My bras close in the front because that’s 10 more seconds of my life I don’t have to spend waiting for a man to figure shit out. Do you understand me? He will never work in this town again. Oh, his shit got audited? That’s weird. Gomen nasai.
Ophelia: You were upset, it’s okay to feel…well, alright, Sloane apparently needed to head out and has exited through the ground floor window. It was closed. She seems ok from what I can tell.
Sloane: [distant shout] FINE...just scratches. Not a bleeder.
Rayanne
Rayanne: I can be kind of a bad bitch. I know that. I get straight to the point, and I take my shot. He didn’t leave me, I left him, but I had no choice.
Ophelia: Do I detect a bit of hurt under that steely facade, Rayanne? You know, Deepak Chopra says your weaknesses can end up being strengths if you embrace them.
….
Ophelia: …Rayanne can you hear me?
Rayanne: Mmmm yes, sorry, I fell asleep with my eyes open. The lithium does that to me sometimes.
Cindi
Ophelia: Cindi, I’m not going to mince words. This isn’t the easiest set of interviews I’ve conducted. Please just go ahead and tell me your story, and try to stay calm.
Cindi: I thought God was my co-pilot and had led me to my perfect Tinder match. But when we got together, he – Johnny – kept asking how I felt about full body contact, and driving into the crease. He asked if he could pass behind the net, and that’s when I started to seem like this relationship was going to be a “give and go.” I guess…I guess it all just started to feel like the first half of Dateline. Lately, I’ve been home with a lot of Haagen-Daaz, Joel Osteen, and this neck massager my sister loves…
Ophelia: That will do.
Unidentified
Ophelia: Ma’am, I didn’t catch your name?
Unidentified match: Wait he SUPERLIKED ME???? Yeahhhhhh. FUCK yeah.
Lulu
Ophelia: Hey there Lul…
Lulu: SO we went out to dinner and he didn’t want to order dessert first and I was like THAT WAS WEIRD and then we came up to my apartment and he refused to let me be the gumdrop princess in Candy Land and I was like WHAT THE FUDGE and then he asked me about my stickhandling and I was like IS THAT PART OF THE CANDY CANE FOREST but really I started to think maybe my sugarplum was just a sour grape and he can just go pound sand while I…
Ophelia: Okay, okay I think I have enough information here, and I’m overdue for a colonic and a percocet. I think we can wrap this up with consensus that this Johnny fella is bad news. If it’s any comfort, I heard a rumor that he has run out of matches and was struggling for a date a few weekends ago. Lulu, thank you for your time.
From The Vault
Sunday, May 1st, 2016Emeritus Note: Unfortunately, the Week 5 games were postponed due to “rain fears”. Seven years ago, the Week 5 games suffered the same fate, but Derek and I decided to forge ahead and post box scores anyway. This post was originally published on May 4, 2009.
Filthy Gorgeous Doubles Up The Unicorns
Filthy Gorgeous 4, Unicorns 2
Filthy Gorgeous: “Gentleman” James Pereira 2 (9), Sunny Mehra (7), Matt Workman (2)
Unicorns: Chris (5), Nelson (2)
Game Notes: Pereira broke a 2-2 tie with seven minutes remaining in regulation.
Cobra Kai 3, Corlears Hookers 2
Cobra Kai: Rem “Canadian Strongman” Garavito (2), Brian “The Flashlight” Morrison (1), Christina “Mojito” Verigan (1)
Corlears Hookers: Gavin “Dutch’s Brother” Kearney (4), Peter “Purple Rain” Putka (4)
Game Notes: Although the Corlears Hookers only had four players including their goalie in attendance, they opted to bench Albert “Al” Huang for the duration of the game.
Happy Little Elves 3, Mighty Squirrels 3 (OT-SO)
Happy Little Elves: Rob Muggeo (5), Demetri Adrahtas (1), Rob “Gnarls” Nitschke (1)
Mighty Squirrels: Jason “Cheek” Cheek (1), Tim “(S)crappy” Gray (1), Andrea “Vegetable Lasagna” Schloeder (1)
Shootout: Tied 1-1. Successful attempts by Jarome “Hornswoggle” Ramos (HLE) and Arthur “Lil Weezy” Revechkis (MSQ).
Game Notes: Gray scored the game-tying goal with one second left in regulation.
Denim Demons 7, Rehabs 5
Denim Demons: Peter “Ski” Oblamski 2 (4), Erik Cortes 2 (3), Molly Jacobs (2), S.B. (1), Adam “Legend Killer” Rubens (1)
Rehabs: Jon “Dinner Plate” Feldman (7), Stacy Kehoe (4), Paul “Ashy Larry” Vernon (4), Sharif “The Chocolate Buzzsaw” Corinaldi (2), Juan “d@ $hoW” Garcia (1)
Mega Touch 0, What The Puck -1
What The Puck: Ant “Father Time” Ventolieri -1 (-1)
Shutout: Roderick “Guy LeDouche” Cruz (2)
Sky Fighters 10, Mexican Standoff 0
Sky Fighters: Martin “Ocho Cinco” Cejka 9 (16), Amy Lott (1)
Shutout: Martin “Ocho Cinco” Cejka (1)
Game Notes: Lott scored the game-winning goal two minutes into the game, with the assist credited to Cejka.
Dark Rainbows 14, Gouging Anklebiters 11
Dark Rainbows: Trevor “White Jesus” Tyrrell 4 (7), John Nielsen 3 (5), P.T. Walkley 2 (3), Josh Wilson 2 (3), Sean Reynolds (3), Dan “Danny Abs” Abdo (1), Jennie Brown (1), Lindsey Foehrenbach (1)
Gouging Anklebiters: Nestor “Marmaduke” Nonato 3 (4), Peter “Geech” Prohaska 2 (3), Charles DeFranco (5), Phil “Sandy” Donohue (3), Eric “El Guapo” DiPierri (2), Amy Kovner (1), Caroline Morrissey-Bickerton (1), Zach “Cryme Tyme” Weiner (1)
Game Notes: Dark Rainbows played the entire game without a goalie. Gouging Anklebiters pulled their goalie, Alex Owen, after he allowed his tenth goal of the day.
LBS, Inc. 35, Tuques 28
LBS, Inc.: “The Alpha Male” Ken Poulin, 30 yard pass from Karsten Pichon (Seth Wachtell kick is good), LBS 7, TUQ 0
Tuques: Bill Monahan, 45 yard field goal, LBS 7, TUQ 3
LBS, Inc.: Seth Wachtell, 23 yard field goal, LBS 10, TUQ 3
Tuques: The Peter Wilson, 85 yard punt return (Bill Monahan kick is blocked), LBS 10, TUQ 9
LBS, Inc.: Sascha Puritz, 1 yard run (Seth Wachtell kick is good), LBS 17, TUQ 9
Tuques: Bill Monahan, 31 yard field goal, LBS 17, TUQ 12
Tuques: Karsten Pichon tackled in end zone by Lisa Harrington for a safety, LBS 17, TUQ 14
Tuques: Alfred Liu, 14 yard pass from David Ladanyi (Bill Monahan kick is good), LBS 17, TUQ 21
LBS, Inc.: Seth Wachtell, 52 yard field goal, LBS 20, TUQ 21
Tuques: Minkus, 102 yard interception return (Bill Monahan kick is good), LBS 20, TUQ 28
LBS, Inc.: Sam Anthony, 8 yard run (Fernando Limonic pass from Karsten Pichon), LBS 28, TUQ 28
LBS, Inc.: Brian “Grandmaster B” Barrett fumble recovery in end zone (Seth Wachtell kick is good), LBS 35, TUQ 28
Mathematics vs. Fresh Kills (Cancelled)
Game Notes: Game cancelled due to “rain fears”.
Season Preview: $h0wT!m3 Division
Sunday, March 27th, 2016Our division preview series continues as we tell you everything you need to know about the $h0wT!m3 Division.
What’s New
- Quite possibly, the division name. Rich already jettisoned Tim Brown’s honorific and replaced it with one for Julie Katz. As of press time, the division still bears the $h0wT!m3 name, but it could soon be retired, much like its namesake has done multiple times already. Rich could even bring back the Rubens Division. Stay tuned for all of the drama!
- Instant Karma. After suffering through a difficult inaugural season in the Glanzer Division, Karma should welcome a schedule that is a lot more forgiving. Of course, three of their seven wins last season came against the Elves, so they’ll have to find other teams to beat up on this year.
- The Gremlins. Oh hey guys, good to have you back! After a one year sabbatical to the Greene Division, the Gremlins return to the division they called home from 2011-2014. However, they were never able to win it during those four seasons, so maybe coming back isn’t all its cracked up to be.
“You’re killing me, Gremlins.”
