btsh.org

by cat, glnzr, hicks, alex, steven, russo, jess, hornswoggle, cage

Alrightyyy we’ve got a new way of doing previews this year where a handful of media members give their thoughts. Everyone was incredibly eager this week so what you see below is a clusterf*ck of media opinions; in the coming weeks it should be a bit more tame with the inevitable mid-season media fatigue (but no promises).

Poutine v Fuzz

Cat: i missed week 1 to have a dionysian wine-soaked trip in italy so i have literally no idea who is even on poutine anymore but BOO FUZZ.

Glnzr: I was about to say happy bday to you but now forget it. Beef back on.

Hicks: Why is RichiePoo’s Ref School after this game?

Alex: Because there’s a good chance that after this game, no one will ever want to ref again. 

Steven: If you leave poutine out too long, the cheese curdles and the fries get droopy and soggy.  I think you can use the same words to describe the old men that play for Fuzz. Fuzz wins in a droopy and soggy game that breaks the league record for stick infractions. 

Vertz v Rainbows

Russo: It’s the MEDIA BOWL (sponsor pending). Co-editor v co-editor. How will we ever write a non-biased write-up for this? 

Jess: If you thought I wasn’t going to comment on my own preview you thought wrong. While I would love to say it’s upset szn, the Rainbows have sustained a few injuries and absences right off the bat. With Mike S in goal and Dan finally back it should be a closer match. 

Hicks: it’s almost like Jess requested this matchup in a captains meeting.* Vertz in 5.

Glnzr: We all were furious and livid when the Vertz stole our players**. But after their Week 1 performance, it appears all the players they stole sucked, and we should thank the Vertz. Thank you, Vertz! Rainbows 4-3. 

Hornswoggle: Still waiting on Jack to “delete” those emails so he can come back to Poutine. Ah wait, fuck it, he doesn’t play defense anyway***, keep him. Camp counselor Cat to score OTW.

*editor’s note: the Rainbows captains were insistent they would not be afraid of the Vertz in the captains meeting and this is what we get tbh 

**editor’s note: Andrea left fuzz on her own volition 

***editor’s note: jack has terrible cardio form

Bad Seeds v Karma

Cat: i’m a big fan of a successful rebrand, as Bad Seed seems to be pulling up with a new name/new look/and an easy victory at launch. However, media loyalty to ex-EIC Isaac compels me to root for Karma. I think Karma is also objectively still the more talented team at the moment and i suppose tEcHnIcAlLy previews are supposed to be about game outcome so like sure 3-1 win for Karma. fin.

Hicks: Karma should win this, but Steve Friedman is a Thomas Greiss fan which really makes me question his judgment in goalie quality. 

Cage: Speaking as a different goalie that Steve is a fan of, I also question his judgment. However, that  does not change the fact that Steve could win this without us in front of him. He’s that good. 3-0 Karma.

Demons v Lbs

Hicks: thinking about this game makes my ankles hurt.

Jess: Last week the Lbs barely had anyone and yet the terrifying combo of Avery x Sam was enough to get it done. With a fuller squad I’d anticipate an easier Lbs win. But they should all pray 4 their ankles re: jeff.

Alex: There were other LBS players there too 🙁 But yes as long as Avery and Sam survive LBS Dinner which happens to be the night before this game, I feel good about it.  Speaking of which, can’t ever miss an opportunity to insert this piece of gold from our last team dinner.

Content warning: puke

Mega Touch v Anklebiters

Glnzr: If this goes to a shootout, my money is on Mega! But if it doesn’t 4-2 Anklebiters. 

Cage: Having last frolicked on the courts with you all during the 2019 season, I can say with a lot of confidence that I am probably not equipped to pass judgment on any games that I’m not directly involved in. Fortunately for the Media, not knowing enough about something has never stopped me from having a take. So like any lawyer, I did a smack of googling and will base my preview off of an Arrested Development themed pre-covid BTSH preview (https://btsh.org/media/week-i-think-isaac-said-15-previews).

In one corner you have the biters as “Maggie Lizer”, “because…they aren’t exactly what they seem. Sure, they are the fun, old school BTSH bunch that we have always loved, but underneath they are a venerable POWERHOUSE team, at this point.” 

Unfortunately for Mega, in the other corner we have…”Ann.” (Mega, sorry to @you like this…blame the author of that preview: Bitcoin Rush). Incredibly, the author of that preview remembered Bland’s last name and included it. I switched tabs and forgot it so here we are. I have nothing of substance to say about Egg…neither did Bitcoin Rush (I’m guessing… once again, I completely forgot what he/she wrote when I switched tabs).

Since it’s me, and I love Julia Louis Dreyfus, I have to go 4-2 biters. That is, of course, assuming that they remember they have a game against “…her?” 

Steven: Cage, I love you but have no clue what you are talking about. VIVA SARAH MOORE scores the game winner. Biters 5 Mega 3.  

Hornswoggle: Sarah will be fuming when the Blues concede the FA Cup Final to the Reds. So much so that she’ll probably notch a Gordie Howe hat trick—with the “fighting” simply as banter against the other team. Schuie’s team gets the dub.

Riots v Hookers

Jess: Coming off a 9-0 victory to The Agents it will be interesting to see what the Riots do when faced with a real challenge. I still think the Hooker take this one 5-1 but this may be a new and improved Riots team to shake up the lower divisions. 

Alex: The Riots are going to be one of the top D4 teams strictly on the basis of adding Ramirez, a top 3 goalie in the league.  But the Hookers are just a much better team at every other key position.  I don’t know if they’re scoring five on Eric but they likely won’t give up more than 1 and should cruise to victory here.

Steven: I am not very good at math, but I do know this. (Amy Jones + Ramirez)/Hookers with Injured Cheeky = A Riot on Our Hands. Riots 5 Hookers 4 in a close one. 

Agents v WTP

Russo: Do we know anybody on The Agents yet? More like Secret Agents, amiright?? *buh dum tss* 

With an unknown Captain, an unknown superstar, and an unknown all-around team, they’re looking more and more like the Seattle Kraken. The most important factor in determining what the Media thinks of the new guys (and gals) is can they hang? If you’re on The Agents, identify yourself and what type of beer you like—see you courtside!

Cat: yeah i wouldn’t count on a redemption week for the agents, especially after WTP put the Vertz in their place on opening day, but who knows??? And russo’s right it’s time to haze i mean welcome the fresh meat with courtside beers because ~that’s what it’s all about~

Glnzr: Jesus Cat, why don’t you give them a star? Newbies buy the beers not us. 

Hornswoggle: “Agents”? More like age ain’t an issue. Seems their “de facto” captain is a noticeably older gentleman who, in Week 1, wasn’t afraid to delegate responsibilities and dig in the trenches despite the shellacking. They’ll likely get another L, but not without developing a bit more chemistry than they did in the last game.

Cat: glanzer, if friedman emails me to give the agents a star, i will give them a star.

Filthier v Skyfighers 

Glnzr: Hope Filthier forgets they can’t wear their blues and it’s mass confusion. Either way, 5-2 win by Sky assuming Wes shows. 

Jess: We neglected to report on a very important off szn move by Rockoff, his friend, and Cody (who I am now going to refer to as the Salt Boyzz 2.0) to Filthy. I’m going to disrespectfully disagree with Rich and say Filthier takes it by 1 goal.

Hicks: I’ll break the tie by siding with Glnzr. Skyfighters take this one in OT.

Alex: If this league had an official sportsbook this would be an amazing game to bet on: Filthier would be favored due to public perception, name recognition and the offseason pickups of the “Salt Boyzz 2.0” and I would absolutely hammer a scrappy and motivated Skyfighters team to pull the upset.  Now that Glanzer and Hicks rudely picked Sky before I even had the chance to open this god forsaken Google Doc, I’m not sure if I can really call it an upset, but I’m sticking with this team of young D5 vets to finish top 10 in the standings for the 2nd straight year.

Steven: Emily and the Skyfighters come out swinging and knock Filthier around like a llama shaped pinata filled with nips of tequila. Skyfighters 5, Filthier 0. 

Fresh Kills v Butchers

Glnzr: Overused Simpsons Meme

Steven: This sounds like a violent match up. A team with ‘kills’ in their name versus a team named after killers. To the dismay of all the fun people in the league, Fresh Kills draws first blood and the Butchers can’t stop the bleeding. FK 7, Butchers 1

Cat: really bad slasher film crossover energy tbh

Cobra Kai v Gremlins

Cat: the new girl on CK is a phenom, neutralizing Campbell’s notoriously bad vibes. Is jamie back?!?!?! Regardless, gremlins need to shake off last season still. I don’t see a win for yellow.

Glnzr: Screw Sig. 2-0 CK. (I had 3-0 but he just sent me a mean text so I deducted a goal from CK.)

Steven: Rumor has it that the Gremlins may have lost their way last season. How do they get back on track? Would suggest the following three step program:

1- Allison must log more minutes than Walker

2- Sign big dude free agents that are bald and wear fitted baseball hats while playing

3- Pay the scheduler to cancel the game against Cobra Kai

Dojo wins 5-0

Hornswoggle: I’m disappointed that Charlotte left me, now I’m the only Jersey kid left on my team. I hope Erich is back so CK gets beat.

We hope you enjoyed this circus! See you Sunday.

By Glnzr

BTSHers,

The Media realizes if we’re going to celebrate the 3 Stars of the Week, we really should be fair and bash the 3 players/teams that shamed themselves, their family, this league, and their country. If you get a Not Star please don’t take it the wrong way. This is meant to damage your psyche and mentally break you down, as you did to us with your wretched hockey.

*** The Vertz
After stealing all our best players and promising to dismantle teams 10-0, the Vertz opened with a dud. They were down 3-0 to the 2019 Schlitz Cup Champs WTP and laid an egg. Then they do the thing and make an incredible comeback which would be talked about forever but then they somehow lose in a LOLShootout. For shame, for shame. #RuinedCutler #ShouldHaveBroughtChloe 

** Anklebiters/Fuzz

In 2008 the Anklebiters played the Happy Little Elves after the season ended and Derk and Elly simply wrote, “Bad Hockey” in their previews. They were right as the Biters beat the Elves 9-0. Bad Hockey returned as we watched the worst shootout in the history of any type of hockey. It ended up going 22 rounds and Jeff almost had a hat trick as he went a ridiculous three times and scored twice. Every player from Fuzz missed twice besides Jeff and Ryann who happened to score. Most Biters missed twice as well, besides Probie and Sarah M. who scored to keep the LOLOLOLMAOshootout alive. Props to Chris and Jamie for enduring this atrocity in net. 

* Liam

Liam did not get a hat trick yesterday so all he is getting is this over-pixelated picture.

by cristo_the_hawk and Dingle McCringle

Hello sports fans!!! Welcome to week 1 previews with myself and Dingle. We’ve got an exciting roster of new media writers so expect fun, silly, and sometimes serious hockey previews. As always please direct any grievances about our totally made up media for a totally intramural hockey league to our totally non-existent complaints department.

Riots vs The Agents

Cristo: This is going to be interesting. Ramirez has left the now defunct Rehabs to play goalie for the Riots, giving them some much needed defensive power. Meanwhile, nobody has any idea how this all-new all-free agent team will be but if the FAs are anything like the competition we’ve seen in the past years, they’re bound to have some talent. New captain Josh says they’re “looking to take the league by storm in our first season.” I think this one will be a tight battle of team chemistry but ultimately go to The Agents winning 3-2.

Dingle: For me, priority number one is for The Agents to pick a team name. Unless “The Agents” is their name. Nobody tells us anything.

Mega Touch vs Gremlins

C: Jamie may be back for the Gremlins this season but I’m not sure if he alone will be enough to help them rebound from a 2-win season last year. Mega Touch is new to the 3rd Division but they’ve proven time and time again they can hang with the big(ger) dogs. Both teams have retained a lot of their players and are no stranger to scrappily playing against each other.

D: Welcome back Jamie! Nothing like being eased back into BTSH by going head-to-head against Mega’s stacked female squad of Shelly, Tash, Courtney, and Julie. Prediction, 4-1 Mega.

Butchers vs Poutine

D: The Pou Cru are on a mission this year. It’s Sully’s last season before heading out West and the captain formerly known as Tadpole has jumped ship to captain a different team. But even with Jack, Totis, and yours truly heading to the Vertz, this is still a dangerous Poutine team that finished 7th in the standings last year. 

C: I think it’s important to note Jack has not stayed on the same team for more than 1 season in his entire tenure of BTSH—but enough shitting on Jack and more about Poutine. I noticed they have a lady goalie this year, that’s sure to make for an interesting on-court line up with the ‘2 females on’ rule. According to one Butchers player, “About half of the team has had or is having a baby in the last 4 months.” [Congrats to Pete, Jake, Chadwick, Rachel & Art!] Not sure how this will bode for them. I think Poutine still takes the W, 3-0.

Demons vs Sky Fighters

C: Woof, talk about a grudge match, this is a hotly contested game with two teams of the same playing ability. In my opinion, the Sky Fighters could easily be in the 3rd Division but due to several unlucky breaks in the last few seasons have stayed stuck in the 4th. With some old faces returning, this just might be their year. Despite Neil, DRo, Zach, and Jeff all being pretty formidable scorers and Rubens/Gene being generally formidable, I’ll start off strong with Demons bias and say they will lose to the Sky Fighters 4-3 in a very physical (as physical as one can get in BTSH) match.

D: This will definitely be a high-scoring one with Fighters and Demons each packing a big offensive punch. Skyfighters, please keep Emily away from Gene’s dog, because we might never see her again if she gets too close. 

Rainbows vs Bad Seeds

C: When the Rainbows faced off against the ‘old’ Bad Seeds last year (gut rot/math combo) it was a tight game but in my unbiased opinion with Mike S, the newly minted Rainbow’s goalie, and last year’s entire team returning it just might be an easier game for the bows.

D: Unbiased my ass. Prediction: Rainbows will be too busy admiring their 15th and 16th different alternate jerseys and the revamped Bad Seeds (love the name and logo btw) will squeak out a win, 2-1. 

C: You have no leg to stand on when it comes to jerseys just wait until the league sees the Vertz ‘logo’. Also, Cat B would like a word with you about her blood sweat and tears that went into designing our jerseys on Custom Ink. 

Filthier vs Fresh Kills

C: Okay this might actually be a bloodbath considering Tim K was the only thing Filthier had going for them last season and I’m sure the Fresh Kills Five + Meg + Colby field hockey team + Gabe is hungry for goals after not playing any ball hockey since last October.

D: I’ll be honest, with James, Ann, and Tim K gone, I don’t know too many Filthier players. But I know Fresh Kills and I know they can score a bunch. This might indeed be a bloodbath. Fresh Kills win 6-0. 

Cobra Kai vs Lbs

C: lol all of the CK dudes are away for Russ’ bachelor party this weekend. What kind of a commissioner abandons his league the first game of the season?! Thank god for Nico. With the Lbs just suffering the loss of Scott I think they will be okay with Sam, Frey, Kelsey, Hilary, Avery, Cherie, Jason and whatever other ringer Frey managed to sneak into this league undetected. CK has added another team traitor (Charlotte from Poutine) providing some defensive firepower with LJ but Sienna and JJ can’t carry the whole dang offense. Frey loves saying how much I hate to root for the Lbs so you’re welcome in advance, this one will go to them, 5-1.

D: Not a great start for The Dojo with half (or more?) of their guys gone. If any players would like to stage a coup against Russ’ leadership, you can sign up here.

Hookers vs Karma

C: The Hookers have a good mix of older staple players (Danillo is both old and a staple) and younger incoming talent. As new captain Cheeky said, “I think we will be very evenly matched and it will come down to stamina, shots on goal, and the psychos between the pipes”. Speaking of psychos between the pipes, I look forward to Steven’s email after the game about how everyone on Karma deserves a star.

D: We had a Vertz/Karma scrimm a couple of weeks ago, and without pumping their tires too much, Karma are dangerous. A lot of offensive threats + Cat, Isaac, and Kev Boat’s shut-down D + Flowzilla Steve in net = a lot of crooked scores this season. Karma wins 6-3.

What the Puck vs Vertz

C: The Vertz have their work cut out for them in their debut game. WTP has suffered the loss of Ed in goal and Annie has gone rogue as a free agent sub coming off her surgery but Henry, Tarnow, McCauley, Hogg and John C are a formidable matchup for Hicks, Jack, Russo, Andrea, Jaimie and Sarah. This one might just come down to goalkeeping and with Tim K in net for the Vertz I begrudgingly predict the Vertz winning 4-2. 

D: The true indicator for how the Vertz will play this season will come down to a) how hungover the collective team is from Saturday shenanigans and b) how many beers will be drank before a later 5pm or 6pm start time. Expect the Vertz to come in hot and for Saucey to try to hit on you*. 

*Assuming Saucey ever comes back from Massachussettes. 

Fuzz vs Biters

C: booooo fuzz. Shouldn’t you guys be playing in some high-intensity tournament in Feasterville instead of casual beer league hockey? Biters have much of the same squad they’ve had for the last 15 years. You know it’s a problem when Probie is the ‘youngest’ guy on the team (the manbun isn’t fooling anyone!!!) but somehow they prevail thanks to unmatched team chemistry and Sarah M, Shannon, Lexie, and Alex for being in shape to make up for all the old dudes.

D: Big Fuzz fan, here. In the entire time I’ve been in the league, they’ve been the only team to have won the championship. Three straight championships is amazing. Four straight is a dynasty. But let’s be honest, Glnzr is getting old*, and they need him to score. 

*he’s already old

Bonus #content: Free Agent Scrimmage Love

And lastly, Russ wanted to give some big thank you’s and shout outs to Walker, Isaac, and McCauley. Here is your commissioner’s attempt at a write up: after pulling an all-nighter saving babies and puppies from a burning building, Walker and Isaac took the day off their busy dating schedules with New York’s top models to run another successful free agents Scrimmage. Isaac, who can only be described as totally jacked, got the day going despite the challenge of having the lockboxes being raided of necessary equipment, (while unproven this act of vandalism was most likely done by members of team Fuzz). Walker, who was a minus 15 on the day, ultimately finished the day strong by closing the courts with an assist from McCauley (a member of the 2021 all hands team of BTSH).”

Russ also wanted to shout out DGR for playing in goal all day, Akhil for scoring a sick goal, and Glnzr for not being at the scrimmage and “putting everyone in a much better mood for it”. 

SEE YOU SUNDAY!

by cristo_the_hawk and Dingle McCringle

If you haven’t heard already, there’s a new BTSH regime in charge. Russ and Nico are taking the reins from The Meatbox™ and Madame Commisionherr as heads of the league, and there will be sweeping changes across the board. 

We, your devoted, faithful, and amazingly good-looking media team have been given new instructions on how to create content for this beautiful league—and how to update y’all on what each team has been up to.

The following propaganda article on this off-season’s affairs is entirely true*, and has been spoken to us by our Supreme Leaders, Russ and Nico. There will be no Facebook comments as there will be nothing to dispute or debate. This is fact*. As Russ said to us in a vaguely threatening email regarding journalistic integrity, “Doesn’t matter. Print it.” 

*might not be true or fact

Here is their decree:

4th Division

Bad Seeds

The Bad Seeds are on a team-name probation period after last year’s lackluster “Rotten Math”. If probation is broken, Glnzr gets to rename the team. 

Rainbows

The entire team stood outside Yetter and Tarnow’s respective apartments in the off-season holding up a boombox, reminiscent of Say Anything (yes Walker, we know the movie), in a last-ditch effort to win them back. TBD on if it worked. 

Riots

The team has decided to have a captainless season, in the spirit of socialism and groupthink.

Sky Fighters

After an off-season of having nobody poached, the Sky Fighters are looking to trade away their best talent for salary cap reasons.

New FA team, The Agents

Zog Sports kicked all of these people out of its kickball league and they’re trying their luck with ball hockey.

3rd Division

Mega Touch

Courtney and Tash both beat Rich in a preseason arm wrestling contest, relegating Mega Touch to 1st Division in place of Fuzz—oh and new team jerseys will be deep v necks, per Alex EM’s suggestion.

Demons

Jenn has cut everyone from the team and replaced them with prominent Barstool podcasters; upon hearing the news Jeff has gone on to form Demons 2 while Neil & D Ro decided to become Phish groupies and are going on their 12th straight day of shows.

Gremlins
Before their first game the team will do a group TikTok dance led by Walker, gen z’s biggest fanboy.

Butchers

Took acid at Great Wolf Lodge in November as a team-bonding experience. Nobody has seen anyone from the Butchers since. 

Poutine

Have all learned Thai this off-season and will only communicate on the court in Thai. They also got matching Captain Mikey tattoos.

2nd Division

Hookers

The Hookers are bringing back a bit of 1980s hockey and will be playing all their games in Cooperalls this year. Seven people from the league know what Cooperalls are.

Karma

After failing to buy the majority share of the brand, Pit Viper, Karma has been working on creating a rival brand of sunglasses. They will not wear Pit Vipers at all this year. 

Vertz

The Vertz have been forced to redo their team logo about 6-9 times in the preseason because Custom Ink legally could not screen print it on a shirt.

Filthier
Jack aka the Jackuum is the new goalie in lieu of Tim K’s departure.

What the Puck
Henry initially pledged to shave his head if WTP wins the PBR cup this year, Hogg suggested it would be more motivating if they shaved off a spot on his head after every victory leading up to The Big Shave during playoffs.

1st Division

Lbs
Frey has recruited two 18 year olds from the Russian ball hockey scene and in 2042 Cherie’s son will join the team per her Lbs contract. 

Fresh Kills
Fresh Kills took Russ out to LPR in the off season and left him with their bar tab.

Fuzz

Under the new league leadership, Fuzz are forbidden from winning a 4th straight championship. If they do, an ancient curse that lays dormant around Tompkins will be unleashed and a volcano will erupt in the East Village. Lower East Side will be safe. Fuck it, let’s throw Murary Hill into the curse too.

Biters

The Biters don’t believe in Big Dental^TM and view brushing your teeth as more of a ‘nice to have’ because plaque is actually better than tooth enamel.

Cobra Kai
Russ has already declared them the champion of the 2022 season after going undefeated without yet playing a game. Russ is also raising league dues to siphon the money for 18k gold snake necklaces for all of the dojo. Praise be. 

BTSH is back, baby! To clear up any confusion, check out the below links to do one (or both) of the following:

FREE AGENT REGISTRATION – for the folks who haven’t landed a team yet. sign up to be on the FA list and teams can see your info and invite you to sub (or blindly add you for the whole season if your resume is impressive).

FREE AGENT SCRIMMAGE – Sunday, April 24th @ 1pm at Tompkins Square Park. this is where you can show off and let the team’s see your stuff. sign up, show up, ***wear the color red***, and bring a good attitude (dicks will not be permitted on the courts).

TEAM REGISTRATION – if you are already on a team, do your captains a favor and sign up so they don’t have to send that third email.

SEE YOU ALL AT THE COURTS SOOOOOON. -your media overlords <3

PS- in a desperate plea for media writers, JOIN US. sure, you might have to ‘work’ with Glnzr, but did we mention you get paid per article? and if you write enough articles yes, even you too can get invited to our prestigious media chinatown dinner where we decide on end of season awards. email mediabtsh@gmail.com if you’re intrigued.