btsh.org

By Dingle McCringle

Alright y’all, we’re in the final stretch. What was scheduled to be the season finale is now the penultimate week of BTSH with rain (boo) messing up our schedule pre-Hockey Beach. 

Speaking of which, hope everyone survived the OC shenanigans. We haven’t gotten a total headcount, but I assume 86% of everyone made it back in one piece.

On to the previews!! With obligatory non-hockey related preview content after the write-ups.

Skyfighters v. Fresh Kills

Don’t sleep on the Skyfighters. Currently battling with Mega Touch for the top spot in the fourth division, SF find themselves in 6th place overall in the standings—which is fantastic. The bad news is they’re running into a buzzsaw that is Le Colby Kills. Currently in 4th place, the 2nd Division Fresh Kills have faced the tougher competition so far this season, and it hasn’t fazed them. 

Prediction: Fresh Kills, 5-1

Mega Touch v. Dark Rainbows

Speaking of Mega Touch…this is a bit of a toss-up of a game. Mega Touch are towards the top of the standings at the moment, but the Rainbows are a long(ish) way from popping champagne bottles after each game because they had ~fun~. If Rainbows’ stay clear of Sunday hangovers, they might be able to give Mega Touch a run for their money. Or the Mega Touchers stay hot. Only one way to find out!

Prediction: Mega Touch, 3-2

Rotten Math v. Riots

Another toss-up, but for not the reasons we’d like. The combined team of Gut Rot and Math hasn’t fully clicked so far this season, and there’s rumblings amongst the Hockey Gods that it’s because they haven’t picked a better team name yet. Riots will be looking for their first win of the season, while I’m sure Rotten Math would like to end their regular season with a win. 

Prediction: Riots, 4-2

Corlears Hookers v. What the Puck

A battle of Division Two teams who would both probably prefer to be a bit higher in the standings this season. Or is it strategic so they can get a more favorable matchup in the playoffs??? (Probably not). Hookers are a sound, defensively-strong team that can quickly strike on a counter-attack, but WTP is solid all the way through the lineup, and will exhaust teams with their speed and skill. 

Prediction: WTP, 5-3

Rehabs v. Instant Karma

Karma came out HOT this year, and have stayed hot. With their only loss a surprising one to the aforementioned Mega Touch, when Karma has their full team, they’re rolling. On the flip side, Rehabs have dealt with their own attendance issues, with a bunch of players moving out of the boroughs for an assortment of reasons. Do Rehabs have enough in the tank to slow the offensive juggernauts upfront, and break through the Wall O’ Steve? F*ck if I know.

Prediction: Karma, 3-2 (OT)

Lbs v. Poutine Machine

Almost an identical situation as the Habs/Karma game. Poutine’s only loss this year came against Karma, and they face a team in a higher division, who is below them in the standings. Frey and Sully may get instant notifications when a new player enters the FA pool, but Frey’s needed more subs this season than the Wawa on Coastal Highway, MD. We’ll see which degenerates miss the game for Week 1 football watching, but expect a close one—because it’s the only style Poutine plays.

Prediction: Poutine, 2-1

Butchers v. Fuzz

Fuzz is the only undefeated team remaining, but this has all the makings of an upset game. Fuzz haven’t lost, Butchers are towards the bottom of the standings. Fuzz haven’t played in a month because of bye weeks and holiday weekends, Butchers might be able to sneak a quick goal early and shut it down from there. Likely that the Butchers pull of a win? Not really. Possible? Sure. 

Prediction: Fuzz, 5-2

Denim Demons v. Gremlins

This game has pretty big implications on who might be relegated to Division 4 next year. With a win, the Gremlins tie the Demons in the standings AND hold the tie-breaker in the division battles, 2-0. Trying to avoid the D3/D4 purgatory between 2019-2022, the Demons will be hoping a new year (L’Shana Tovah) will bring better tidings in this one. 

Prediction: Gremlins, 2-1

TIME TO GET WEIRD!!!!

I’ve given each team a random animal for no reason at all, and have pitted those animals against each other and chosen a winner with an extremely over-simplified reason why. See you in the comment sections. 

Skyfighters (Mole) v. Fresh Kills (Gazelle)

Mole frustrates Gazelle by staying underground, Gazelle runs away crying. Mole wins. 

Mega Touch (Ram) v. Dark Rainbows (Seal)

Ram runs on water, knocks Seal from Atlantic to Pacific Ocean. Ram wins. 

Rotten Math (Skunk) v. Riots (Koala)

Skunk sprays Koala with stank. Koala doesn’t care, rubs eucalyptus on itself and performs deadly aerial attack from its tree. Koala wins. 

Corlears Hookers (Cow) v. What the Puck (Gorilla)

Gorilla says, “How now brown cow?”, hops on Cow’s back and they ride into the sunset together. Everyone wins. 

Rehabs (Capybara) v. Instant Karma (Snake)

I don’t think you realize how big a Capybara is. They can weigh up to 175 lbs. Gtf outta here snake. Capybara river dances on Snake. Capybara wins. 

Lbs (Llama) v. Poutine Machine (Camel)

A lot of kicking and spitting, but Llama proves to be too agile for lumbering Camel. Llama wins. 

Butchers (Horse) v. Fuzz (Otter)

Horse is no match for Otter’s hydro-defense and shell-opening abilities. Otter wins. 

Denim Demons (Porpoise) v. Gremlins (Crocodile)

Crocodile gets some good licks in, but Porpoise brings Croc too deep underwater, and Croc forgot its swimmies. Porpoise wins. 

BYE WEEK THROWDOWN: Cobra Kai (Wolf) v. Anklebiters (Rhino) v. Filthier (Crab)

Crab watches quietly on the side while Wolf and Rhino duke it out. Both exhaust each other past the point of no return, Crab wins. 

by Glnzr and Frey

Filther at LBS

Rich: Filthier comes into this game with a 1-0 lead and only a half to go. But this isn’t about Lbs. vs. Filthier. This is about history. Roman T. can become the only player in league history (Yes, Hogg…that I know of) to score for both teams in the same game. He scored for Filthier many months ago before Rain Fears came. Now he’s going to sub for Lbs. He also holds the record for most inappropriate Best Man Speech but that story is for another day.  Prediction: Roman disappoints history and doesn’t score, but takes many penalties en route to a 3-1 victory for Lbs. 

Alex: I may be biased but I feel good about this one.  Avery’s back from injury, Karsten’s back from self-imposed exile, we’ve got like 3-4 FAs subbing in as per usual…as long as Tim K doesn’t take steroids that morning (keep him the hell away from Hicks) and we can avoid rain fears (which only happen on Tuesdays and never on Sundays anyway), I’ll go 3-2 LBS.  Well worth the t-shirt I will probably never see again.

LBS at Hookers

Rich: With Luke and Avery undoubtedly at this game…along with Roman of course, this is going to be a bloodbath. 7-0 Lbs. As Rick Patino would say, “Jason Eital, Joshua Sadlier-Brown, Tiffany, Dustin Olsen aren’t walking through Tompkins gates.”

Alex: If you have inside information about Luke playing this week, please do share.  All I know is he survived an early season deportation scare only to have to work every Sunday since.  I’m still happy to have him in the country but it’d be great if we could get him to Tompkins.  I don’t have any quotes by legendary, misspelled college basketball coaches to share but I do think 7-0 is a little aggressive.  I’ll say 5-3 LBS.

Rich: 7-0 was just a dig at Shaun. I’ll go with 4-2 for real. Also, I butchered Jason “Eital” worse than Coach Rick.

Fuzz at Cobra Kai

Rich: Sig guaranteed Cobra Kai would not only win this game, but every game the rest of the way. I know you want this game. You know we want this game. But we both know this isn’t the game we both really want.  Fuzz 3-2.

Alex: No idea who’s showing up for either squad but this should be a fun game regardless and my personal pick for game of the week since I know Karma is missing a ton of players.  I think Fuzz is the better team but Cobra Kai will want this game more. I’ll take the +110 on Cobra Kai and say they pull the upset 4-2.

Rich: I’ll give you 7 to win 6 if you’re up for it. 

Alex: Said I would take +110 and you immediately offer me +117. You are either the worst negotiator or the worst mathematician in history (possibly both).  In any case, you have yourself a bet.

Rainbows at Riots:

Rich: I predicted in the Power Rankings that the Riots would win this game. I stand by it. Riots 3-2.

Alex: I do not stand by it.  Rainbows 5-2.

Filthier at Anklebiters:

Rich: When I did the Power Rankings I debated who to put in front of who. Filthier is much better defensively but the Anklebiters are better offensively. Both have good goalies who like me but will never admit it. I get why Craig won’t, he’d get kicked off. I see a bad day at the office for Filthier. 2-1 Anklebiters.

Alex: Assuming LBS beat Filthier in the early game, which was our earlier prediction, then I think Filthy is going to be pissed in this one and find a way to eke out a win.  2-1 Filthy.

Rich: Ahhhh young Alex. You claim to have BJJ skills but any good Sensei worth their Gi will tell you that fighting angry is fighting bad. 

Alex: You’ve clearly never been on worldstarhiphop.com.

Demons at Sky Fighters:

Rich: There was this guy Spicer at this camp I worked at. Everyone loved Spicer. I didn’t. I told my friend Demetri what a jerk Spicer was. Demetri wouldn’t hear of it. 2 years later Spicer got fired and Demetri begrudgingly told me I was right. In other words, Spicer was a jerk and I was the only one who saw it. 

Demons 3-1

Alex: Sky Fighters lost to Poutine last week but it was a tight one goal game until Poutine pulled away at the end.  Despite a 6-2 record they are still being slept on by the betting public because they’re in the bottom division.  Like I said the last time I foolishly agreed to write previews, this team has more good players than you think, many of them raided from the ranks of Tuesday night flip cup: Jake, Mo, Westley, Carley, bloodthirsty Riegler, fantasy guru Rys, pushup guru Emily…I’m not saying they’re a title contender, but they should definitely be favored in this game.  5-3 Sky.

WTP at Rehabs:

Rich: Rehabs are rolling but I can’t believe Larry is back for WTP. I am curious how this happened. Maybe Alex May will come back for the Habs. I miss that guy…though not enough to hope he comes back. They won’t need him this game. 3-1 Rehabs.

Alex: No idea who Larry is but I don’t think it matters.  Rehabs are playing well and they are likely to be rolling 3, if not 4 lines in this one.  4-3 Rehabs.  Sorry Larry.

Gremlins at Mega

Rich: Sorry guys, I don’t know what happened, but when I cut and pasted the sched into the google mix, your game wasn’t there. This is an interesting game. The Gremlins are traditionally better. They made the final4 in 2019. But as we chronicled, things haven’t broke right for the Gremmies this year. Meanwhile, Mega has thrived. They have underrated male talent that no one ever talks about. I’m so sick and tired of men not being respected in this league. It’s so unfair.

Jess: Gonna ignore the rampant sexism in the last line but yeah Mega’s dudes do not get talked about probably because their ladies are so friggin’ sick. I want the Gremlins to win this one, I really do but I think Mega is going to prevail by the skin of their teeth.

Prediction: Mega 4-3.

GAME OF THE WEEK:

Karma at Poutine

Rich: I’m very excited for this matchup. Someone (not on Poutine) texted me and complained that Karma was ranked too high. They didn’t think Karma was that good. I disagree. This isn’t me being nice. But I’ve seen Derek/Austin dominate great players in tournies. Their secondary players know their job. Their girls are probably a top 3-5 unit. While Friedman is amazing at emails, he’s also good in net and the team rallies around him, much like he rallies around the team.

Meanwhile, Poutine should have a better history than they do. Losing SBJ hurts, but is it a killer? They know how to win regular season games but surprisingly haven’t put together a postseason run yet. They have difficulty scoring but I think Sully’s newfound cardio and Jack’s clapper gives them a legit chance to beat anyone…maybe not Fresh Kills. I hate that matchup for them.

Prediction: This is a big moment for Karma. With a win, they announce themselves as title contenders. With a loss…maybe the person who texted me was right. This isn’t as big a game for Poutine. We sorta know who they are. I see a great 3-2 game…with Poutine coming out on top.

Alex: Last time these teams met it was basically a playoff game in midseason.  This time, however, Karma will be feeling the pain with no Derek, no Sleigh, no Braun, no Stabel and who knows who else.  By the way is it sleigh, slay, sleh or some other awesome spelling I’m not yet privy to?  Regardless, on the other side of the ledger Poutine will be without Russo, Charlotte and Solgon but should still have enough firepower to take down a depleted Karma roster.  3-1 Poutine.

Rich: Karma is still good without those guys but I’ll agree with you, 3-1 Poutine. Glad we can end this on a high note. 

Alex: Sleigh is a woman.

Rich: Wait, Jack has a Jordan 45 jersey? Back to tadpole for him. 

by christo_the_hawk

Ever wonder who all the guys wearing backwards hats and lax pinnies sniping goals from the point are on Fresh Kills? Are they brothers, roommates, or former college hockey teammates? Why won’t they hang out with us after the games?* The BTSH media has launched a brand new Know Your Neighbor investigation to get to the bottom of it.

*Before Russ says anything, they all closed down Doc’s last weekend, solid job boys.

Okay firstly, how do you all know each other?

Answered by Ryan:

George – high school friends, college hockey teammates, college roommates 

Marco – junior hockey teammate / High School friends 

Bron – junior hockey teammate, college teammate / roommate

Louis – college teammate / roommate – went to the same middle school as Gabe, which was our in to BTSH

Now for the important stuff. What is your favorite dive bar brand of beer? (e.g. Coors, Modello) 

Ryan: Molson Canadian

George: PBR 

Marco: Labatts Blue

Bron: Keystone light

Louis: Moosehead

Favorite bar in NYC?

Ryan: LPR (Les Poissons Rouges)

George: The Cantina “T-Bell”

Marco: LPR

Bron: LPR

Louis: Red Lion*

*Editor’s note: this is like the after party bar of LPR so I award you zero points and may god have mercy on your soul.

A question from my co-editor, do you prefer soft shell or hard shell tacos?

Ryan: Soft shell 

George: Soft wrapped in Doritos los Taco’s

Marco: Soft

Bron: Soft shell 

Louis: Hard Shell

What do you like most about BTSH?

Ryan: Competitive nature of league, but camaraderie amongst teams. Also, Winning. 

George: Reading the blog at work

Marco: hockey bringing people together 

Bron: The people and how much respect everyone has towards the league. 

Louis: Being able to play and have fun every Sunday. Impressed by how organized the league is for ball hockey, makes it a lot of fun.

Who would win in a fight, all 5 of you or Gabe?

Ryan: Gabe 

George: Gabe

Marco: Gabe 10x out of 10

Bron: Gabe 

Louis: Gabe’s wife

What number do you typically wear and why?

Ryan: 18 – wore growing up

George: 29/31- backup goalie never gets the first pick

Marco: 6 – was available in college and from Toronto

Bron: 16 – only decent number left to choose from freshman year 

Louis: 30/33 – two numbers I wore growing up

If the 5 of you were stuck on a deserted island, who would

• make a fire
• find fresh water
• -fnd/hunt food
• curl up in a fetal position and cry
• die

Ryan:

-make a fire : George 

-find fresh water : Marco 

-find/hunt food : Louis 

-curl up in a fetal position and cry : Bron as well

-die : the weakest person of the group …..

George:
make a fire : Marco

-find fresh water and somehow beers : Bron/Louis

-find/hunt food : George

-curl up in a fetal position and cry : Ryan

-die : Ryan

Marco:

-make a fire : George 

-find fresh water : Bron

-find/hunt food : Louis 

-curl up in a fetal position and cry : Ryan 

-die : no man left behind 

Bron:

-make a fire : George 

-find fresh water : marco

-find/hunt food : Louis 

-curl up in a fetal position and cry : bron

-die : Ryan 

Louis:

-make a fire : Marco 

-find fresh water : Bron 

-find/hunt food : Argi

-curl up in a fetal position and cry : Ryan

-die: Myself

Do you have any hidden talents?

Ryan: Nah, plain guy. 

George: Painting 

Marco: I can cook

Bron: Knowing every movie quote

Louis: Crush a twelve pack in one sitting playing Chel & 12 

If you guys were NSYNC, which member would each person be?

Ryan: 

JT – Louis 

LB – Ryan 

CK – Marco

JC – Bron

JF – George 

A hockey-related question to wrap it all up: who’s your favorite hockey player (can be current or when you were growing up).

Ryan: Sidney Crosby

George: Carey Price

Marco: Drew Doughty

Bron: Gabriel Chenard-Poirier

Louis: Patrick Roy

I lied, a BTSH question to wrap it all up. Is a hot dog a sandwich?

Ryan: No chance 

George: No 

Marco: save the hardest question for last, I would have to say no

Bron: No

Louis: Do abs on a skinny guys count? Didn’t think so.

by Cat

Years of resentment have been temporarily soothed by an adorable deepfake of Hero playing catch, so this week I’ve buried the beef with Rich and can talk about other people for once.

But as BTSH media’s beef beat journalist, I’m not really sure where to turn to next…

First thoughts: Fresh Kills vs. The League. Recently called out for their lack of social participation, someone with the single most French-Canadian sounding name I’ve ever seen took to Facebook. To my knowledge still nobody has partied with them* (send tips to: mediabtsh@gmail.com) but it DID stir up old grudges from that one time they left Gut Rot with the bar tab.

Also we’re all just petty they’re smoking us on the court.

*Editor’s note: Russ did in fact, party with them. TBD if they paid their tab.

Second thoughts: Matt Kastella vs. The League. During his first performance I thought to myself, New York is back, baby! I missed Tompkins and its quirks! Life is a rich tapestry! Wow who knew someone could sing a worse Justin Timberlake impression than me drunk at Karaoke! Free Britney! At this point I am surprised that a West Court goalie stuck listening to him 10 feet away hasn’t jumped the fence.

*Editor’s note: Hicks is holding Russo and I captive in a Matt Kastella Fan Club instagram group chat. Send help.

I think my final beef might be with Canadians-not-googling-visa-stuff-before-traveling-outside-the-country? Just as my beloved Bows finally got Matt back after his trip to Italy resulted in a mandated stint in Canada, I received word that Stu from the Anklebiters (and my upcoming Ocean City team – GO CHEEKS) will be out. Ya’ll. Why.

Anyway, on to the stars:

THIRD STAR

The founding captain of What the Puck – Old Captain Larry! – returned after seven years away from BTSH and promptly scored against Cobra Kai in the first few seconds. 

Unfortunately the dojo regained their footing quickly and came back to win, but still – the guy knows how to make an entrance. 

In spite of this loss, WTP has been really impressive this season – exciting to see how the next few weeks pan out now that their pairings are really ramping up.

SECOND STAR

I’m gonna call it prematurely perhaps but – I think the Demons are on the up-and-up. OK beating the Rainbows at 12:30pm aka the game slot everyone is still hungover for might not be the biggest win of the season, but it was the least spicy game against the Demons I’ve ever played in. Tracy’s positive influence is spreading, they’ve got a new guy with impressive wheels and booty shorts, Sammy created so many chances from deep in the corner… maybe this is the momentum they need against the Skyfighters next week?

I lost the thread a bit but in summary:

This is sort of a generalized star for the Demons for re-branding from rain fears to, uh, sun cheers.

FIRST STAR

This week was a bit of a snooze in terms of star-worthy activities (see: giving the Demons a star) so I texted Isaac because I was like, why hasn’t Steve emailed me about Karma. It turns out that was because Karma had a bye week and Steve was in Tulsa.

So first star goes to the commissioners for creating bye weeks so that I was the happy recipient of these photos which I will now share:

*Editor’s note: Friedman you asked for this. Not literally but—no pun intended—karmically speaking.

by christo_the_hawk

In a game where both teams were hurting for female players, Poutine beat the Sky Fighters 5-2.

Today I learned that the shorter the shorts, the better the hockey player as evidenced by the hot pants wearing man who notched 2 for The Demons in their 4-1* defeat of the Rainbows.

*Zach F stole an open net goal from his own teammate—rude!

After a quick first goal from WTP, Cobra Kai came out on top against WTP winning 4-1. And Liam didn’t score at hat trick. (Or attend.)

Shockingly, Fresh Kills didn’t give up a ton of goals against The Butchers despite having their typical scoring deficit. 6-1 FK. Also for those not on facebook the 5 newbies on Fresh Kills invited everyone to come drink with them but abruptly got shit on. Don’t worry you guys we’ll be nice soon it’s just your initiation.

Gremlins got their mojo back and swept Rotten Math 4-0. Walker wants everyone to know he was +2.

Mega Touch unsurprisingly beat The Riots 5-1.

Ankle Biters and Lbs took it to OT, then shootouts, where Sarah M started it all off for the Biters and they cruised to a big fat W.

Rehabs beat Filthy 2-0. Credit to Hicks for being the Tompkins Park singer’s #1 fan.

Great day of hockey and see you all next weekend!