btsh.org

By E-Rex

As this is my first time writing anything for BTSH, I understandably am a bit nervous.  I can’t remember if I was bored at work or drinking when I volunteered to write previews on a Facebook post (maybe both?!)  To keep with the theme of this year, I consulted Spotify for a list of one hit wonders from the last 20-30 years.

Poutine Machine @ Skyfighters

OMC – How Bizarre (Official Music Video)

“They didn’t lose anyone last year?”

“They’re 6-1, on a six game winning streak?!”

“They’re tied for the 3rd best record and leading their division?!!”

Yes, the Skyfighters have arrived and they’re not going away.

Sir Mix-A-Lot – Baby Got Back (Official Music Video)

Baby got back(check).  SBJ might be gone, but that still leaves Poutine’s other young guns who can run 100M only a hair slower than Usain Bolt and still have the energy to score goals and then celebrate by funneling beers on the sidelines while waiting for their next shift.

There’s a storied history between these two teams in recent years, with Poutine having the upper hand.  Will this game change that?  I’m trying to remain independent, so I consulted everyone’s favorite subway psychic, Keano, for a prediction.  Poutine will win in an overtime thriller, 3-2.

Dark Rainbows @ Denim Demons

Chumbawamba – Tubthumping (Official Video)

I imagine that the night before games, the Demons sit around a table, pound their fists on the table, do some weird chant and then all drink whiskey, vodka, lager and cider in quick succession.  This might explain the number of wins they have?

Bobby McFerrin – Don’t Worry Be Happy (Official Music Video)

Is there a nicer team than the Rainbows?  They always seem so happy.  A couple weeks ago, they lost to Fresh Kills and they were ecstatic that they put up four goals in the game.  

As history has shown us, good often doesn’t prevail. The Demons are going to squeak out a victory 2-1.

What the Puck @ Cobra Kai

Rockwell – Somebody’s Watching Me (Official Music Video)

Cobra Kai with their goalie tandem of Casca and Campbell started off hot, 6-0.  Since then, they’ve dropped two games and Fresh Kills is right below them in the standings.

Sonique – It Feels So Good (Official Video)

Has any team been more inspiring the last couple years than WTP?  Through solid play and more poaching than The Smith does during weekend brunch, Hogg has turned a fourth division team into a solid second division title contender. 

WTP is still reeling after losing to the biters and comes hungry.  They extend Cobra Kai’s lose streak to 3.  3-2.

Butchers @ Fresh Kills

Daniel Powter – Bad Day (Official Music Video) | Warner Vault

The Butchers lost Cheeky to the Hookers right as the season started (probably some other players too, but what team hasn’t) and have only won two games this year.  I’m sure they’re wishing the skateboarders staged some sort of protest, forcing this season to be cancelled.

EMF – Unbelievable (Official Music Video) HD

Just like Corporate America, the Fresh Kills had a booth at the Colby career fair, where they recruited heavily.  They started off a little slow, but have been on a tear since and are poised to go deep in the playoffs.

FK 6, Butchers 1

Rotten Math @ Gremlins

Everything But The Girl – Missing (Official Music Video)

The Gremlins were in last season’s final four and this year, they’re 1-6.  Most teams have lost a couple players due to the pandemic, but Jamie, Erich and their other ringers are nowhere in sight this year.

Haddaway – What Is Love [Official]

I personally like math, so I’m not sure why out of all the possible permutations of Gut Rot and Math, they chose Rotten Math.  I’ll chalk it up to love.   

Gremlins magically spawn superstar players overnight and win 3-1.

Mega Touch @ Riots

Hanson – MMMBop (Official Music Video)

Can’t you see Julie bopping on the sidelines to some Hanson? 

Simple Minds – Don’t You (Forget About Me)

The Riots got their first point of the season when they forced the Demons to OT last week.  They have a good core of talent, they just need a consistent goalie and a bit of good luck.

The Riots have been playing better as of late, and this is the week they get their first W. 3-2 in OT

Gouging Anklebiters @ Lbs

Lit – My Own Worst Enemy (Official Music Video)

The Lbs have been ravished by injury and spotty attendance.  They’re fighting to stay in the first division, although their win last week proves they shouldn’t be written off so quickly.  

Baha Men – Who Let The Dogs Out (Official Video)

Rich made me promise to write about Hero.  I despise this song, but Hero is a good boy.

Anyway, after an 0-3 start, Probie’s rebuilt squad is 3-1-1 in their last five games.

This can go either way, but I’m going to put the Lbs on top 4-2.

Rehabs @ Filthier

The Rembrandts- I’ll be there for you (official video)

Understandably, people think of Cherie and the ladies when the Rehabs come up, but with much of past season’s roster gone, their defensive play has allowed them to stay competitive this season.

Skee-Lo – I Wish

Does Filthier wish James and Ann would change their minds and move back?  Or maybe their wish is just to win back to back games and stay in the first division. 

Rehabs 2-1.

By Glnzr & Jss

It’s that time of the season where we finally tell people what we think of them. This will be really interesting because Rich has all the BTSH knowledge in the world and Jess has more grammar and syntax knowledge than Rich could possibly possess. Together, we’ll make one fully competent hockey preview. 

21 Rotten Math

Rich: They aren’t the worst team…how could they be, they have the best shootout player in BTSH history, Elly! But I will die on this hill, this is the worst name in the history of BTSH. And the fact that I’m on a team called Fuzz and I can say this makes it that much worse, Diane!

Jess: Agreed, there were so many better options (Gut Math, Math Rot, Mutt Rot). I thought this combo would be stronger but due to losing some key Gut Rottians (Kellie, Becca, Akhil) and Mathers (…Jack) they need some fresh talent to bounce back.

Rich: I’m not a combo name fan. Just pick a brand new name, have Elly shoot all shootouts, win championship over Fresh Kills, disband, and never speak to one another until ESPN pays you millions for their 30 for 30. 

20 Demons

Rich: Much like the stupid crappy Mets, the Demons won the off-season. They got the two best players in the free agent scrimmages (why did we have 2?). But sadly those big money acquisitions have not added up to W’s.

Jess: Yeah I really thought they’d be a force to be reckoned with this season but have been surprisingly underwhelming. But hats off to them for being a bit more likeable this year, no doubt thanks to the newbies and as always, Tracy <3  

Rich: You overrate Tracy’s likeability. 

Jess: Tracy volunteers her time to mentor high school girls from underserved areas in the 5 boroughs, I hope you feel bad now!!!

19 Riots 

Rich: The Riots have 3 games left and I predict they will win 2 of them. Sadly, one of them is against the Rainbows. Sorry Jess. 

Jess: Respectfully, you’re wrong as hell. The one thing I do agree with you on is that for once the Riots should not be ranked last. They’ve come out hard and had some close games so far this season.

18 Butchers

Jess: The Butchers only have 2 wins so far—against the Riots and the Hookers. Also they got blown out 9-0 by the Lbs (who, imho, aren’t the powerhouse they used to be) in the worst goal deficit of the season.

Rich: Jess! How could you rank the Butchers 18th! Don’t you know they have RG1, Rachel Greene on this team? You have a lot to learn about this league, sweetie. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4sim7tCJyC8

Jess: Don’t pin this all on me, this is a joint venture so you get 50% of the blame when everyone is pissed. Also Rachel knows I love her.

17 Gremlins:

Rich: This team made the semis in 2019. They are very classy but I’m struggling to say something nice mostly because Michelle sent me a holiday card and it literally got lost in the mail and now she’s making me be nice to her or I don’t get it. Any advice to me and words of encouragement to our friends over at the Gremmies?

Jess: The Gremlins have had arguably their worst season ever with only 1 win. I hesitate to say their entire winability stems from Erich scoring and Jamie holding it down in net—because they’ve historically been a scrappy team that can get it done together—but they need to find an X factor and fast. 

16 Rainbows

Jess: Alright hear me out I’m not going for blatant favoritism (I literally say we’re gonna lose all the time in previews)* BUT we have really been hanging this year despite our record. We scored 4 goals against FK (that’s got to count for something) and we haven’t really had any blowout losses. I’m also ranking us above the Butchers because we typically beat them when it counts.

Rich: Dude you only put 5 teams ahead of you. You’re fine. But beyond that…I’m beyond impressed with you guys. Losing your best player** a week before the season started could have been a death nail. You guys hung tough. You guys played a really good half vs. Fresh Kills. 

Jess: *you guys know i love you sm and are my favorite people in the league

**debatable

15 Rain Fears

Rich: The only team having a more disappointing season than Rain Fears are the Gremlins, Demons, Lbs. and Mets. Even Rubens played through the rain on Sunday. The only reason I’m ranking them so high is from 2017-2019 the playoffs have been delayed bc of them. 

Jess: It has come to my attention that Rubens did not play on Sunday but instead let his team play without him; so while I previously wrote he gets a pass on all demons x rain fears jokes next season, I rescind my offer.

14 Hookers

Rich: Cheeky has been lovely to Hero, so I’d rather focus on the positives. They always buy Bud Light after their games and I usually steal one without Newnam noticing. Sorta how none of them noticed when I sneaked past their D and scored on a breakaway! USA!! USA!!
Jess: Yes and if we focus on only the positives they’ve won 2 games!!! It’s evident in their record that this season is particularly tough due to new male talent getting dispersed to pretty much every other team besides The Hookers—they’re very lucky with the additions of Cheeky and Morgan.

13 Filthier

Rich: In 2015 the Mets made the World Series, Sheamus was WWE Champion and Filthier sat atop of the BTSH Universe. Much has changed since those times. Sadlier, the Mets, Sheamus and Filthier are no longer contenders for the top spot. I should note, I’m not really sad about Sheamus or Filthier. Good team but they need elite talent.

Jess: They have the goalkeeping talent that’s helping them hang tough but if they don’t add 2-4 new superstar players next year they’re going to def drop a division.

12 Anklebiters

Rich: I debated long and hard who should go higher Filthier or Anklebiters. Then I realized I should walk Hero he prob has to pee really badly. 

Hero: Pee more, write about Anklebiters less, Daddy. 

Jess: After seeing the Biters come back against WTP last week I think they deserve to be at 12. They’ve had a rough season but can clearly still hang. This is a next season problem but they need some newer young players because even golden boy Ben is getting old (no offense, pls still invite me to your wedding).

11- Bye Week

Rich: Is this like the NFL where when teams come off the Bye Week they have a crazy winning record? If so, watch out, you losers from Cobra Kai. 

Jess: Yeah, you Cobra Kai losers!!!!

10 Sky Fighters

Jess: I admittedly rolled my eyes at their cockiness in the beginning of the season but unlike most teams they’ve really put their money where their mouth is and have been on a winning streak. It’s going to be a tight race for who gets out of d4— Sky Fighters or Mega and if I’m being honest I would like it to be SF. They’re the team that historically is the ‘farm system’ of the league and I think it’s about time they get taken a little more seriously and retain some talent. Let’s see if their confidence holds steady with Poutine, Demons, and Fresh Kills as their final opponents of the regular season.

Rich: I have an infinity for the Sky Fighters franchise. They won the 2009 BTSH Championship by upsetting heavily favored WTP. Things have gone south since then, but with Dan Hopper back, Jake being steady on D they’ve really improved. Emily is an elite Hero watcher btw. 

9 Poutine

Jess: Before anyone comes for me, yes, I know, they only have 1 loss but it’s tough to rank them higher when they almost lost to Rotten Math. SBJ being gone is definitely a hit to their scoring prowess but they have so many other girls and guys who can get it done. 

Rich: That’s what Poutine does. They almost lose and almost beat everyone. In their whole existence they haven’t had a game decided by 3 or more goals. I’m sure that’s not actually true. The point is, they play up or down to their comp. They can win the title. I don’t think they will, but they def can.

8  What the Puck

Jess: Normally I would rank them higher but their schedule thus far has not been very difficult. Sure they beat Filthy 2-0 and Lbs 4-3 (again, not that impressive, they aren’t as good as they used to be) but I would like to see how they do with their remaining games against arguably tougher teams (Biters, Cobra Kai, Rehabs, Hookers).

Rich: Is this the team Annie actually plays for? Has she ever scored for them or just you guys and the Lbs. in a shootout? If it seems I’m a little salty for her ruining Fuzz chance at a perfect season, well let’s just say outside of Cat, there is no one I’m more salty of in this league. 

Jess: Damn, how will Annie recover from that first degree burn.

7 Mega Touch

Jess: Rich is going to kill me for saying this but firstly, Courtney and Tash have played multiple entire games all season (YEAH I KNOW, ANDREA AND KELSEY DO IT TOO AND THEY’RE THE BEST ALSO). Anyways after that shout out to my ladies, this year’s Mega is tough competition. They’ve hung in every game and even their loss to Poutine was getting too close for comfort according to Sully. I don’t think they should be underestimated.

Rich: Girls playing entire games happen all the time in BTSH. It’s not at all unique and I never understood why we celebrate this. I would think the opposite should be celebrated. Six women showing up every game because it would show team spirit/commitment. That said, Julie, do you have Courtney/Tash’s emails? I want to ask them something. #PoachingSeasonStartsEarly

6 Rehabs

Jess: Rehabs get the 5 spot due to their overall reputation but when you look at their schedule this year they’ve lost to the tougher teams (Fresh Kills, Fuzz) and surprisingly to the Hookers. They’re elite enough to stay in the 1st division (better than Filthier & Lbs) but when it comes to playoffs I don’t see them making it into the semi finals.

Rich: I actually moved them to 6th because Avery and Karsten are back and with Alex’s shady Rain Fears game and a half next week, Luke will make 2 more games in one day. It appears Alex May is not playing for the Habs this year and with the loss of Sena, I think they are still a super dangerous and talented team. Hicks also wants the world to know they are undefeated since he became captain. This guy is almost as bad as Friedman. (See Karma preview)

5 Lbs

Rich: Props to the players that show up week in and week out. Zisser, Kelsey, Alex, Caitlin, new girl Melanie, Joel and Boylan (Boylan almost never shows up but if I don’t include her and she finds out about it there will be hell to pay). But it just feels like the team as a whole are treating this like a weekend Feasterville Tournament. That said, this team can win the PBR Cup. 

Jess: I will kindly state they’re still holding their own thanks to Frey and Kelsey playing multiple full games and fielding decent FA talent. Alex definitely cares, a lot, so disagree on the Feasterville comment but the ‘treat the regular season like nothing and make the 4 game minimum’ motto of many of their players is really annoying. And yet I think they will still make semis.

Rich: Alex (and I) care about weekend Feasterville Tournaments. 

4 Karma

Rich: Jess, you think you want Fuzz to lose, but you don’t. The only people that ever gloats are Miles and Sig, Sig left and Miles doesn’t know anyone. The team you don’t want to win is Karma! Outside of the classy Vernoia siblings and one of the two Tremble sisters, these are all miserable human beings, especially and obviously their goalie. That said, as horrible as they are as humans, they are conversely all very good at hockey, sans Isaac. He’s average. This is a legit title contender. They have 2 superstars in Derek/Austin. Their women are some of the best collectively in the league and as much as I despise Friedman, I’d love to play for him. He’s such a positive goalie. They’ve never made the semis. They are like Baby Hitler. They must be stopped. Hopefully they play Fresh Kills in round of 8. 

Jess: Please don’t hype Austin up like that (it’s too late for Derek). We also can’t forget about Braun. I’m working on telling people when they’re right and I’m wrong even though I hate it so much (hi Scott) and, you’re right. If Friedman sends emails to the media after every regular season game making the case for Karma to get a star, I can’t even begin to imagine the emails I’ll be getting during playoffs or if they win the entire thing. Spare me.

3 Cobra Kai

Jess: It pains me to inflate Russ’ ego like this but credit (not to Russ) where credit is due. The storyline last season was ‘what will become of the dojo without Campbell’ and honestly despite him lying and being back in NYC all the freaking time, Casca is doing great in goal. They’re essentially picking up where they left off and maybe their addition of Yetter will pay off and he’ll finally score a goal where it matters in the back half of this season—or playoffs. 

Rich: They were #2 when we originally wrote this but their loss to the Lbs. made them drop a spot. They went for it with big market signings of Sig, Yetter, Ryann and Casca.(Sadly Fuzz poached back Ryann in a brilliant plan by me and executed by Jeff) They’ve lost in the finals and semis before, so only a championship will suffice. They certainly are one of the teams who can win. Let’s see how they do against Fuzz in 2 weeks. We won’t have any girls, but our boys will be motivated…after Sig texted me telling me he guarantees Cobra Kai doesn’t lose another game this season. 

2 Fresh Kills

Jess: With the Butchers and Sky Fighters as their remaining 2 games it looks like FK is going to cruise to an 8-2 season. Their first game when they lost to Cobra Kai was before they acquired all those Lake Forest ringers and their other loss was to Fuzz. Maybe it’s the crotchety fake old schooler in me but it seems kind of lame to stack a team full of ringers and then just win allllll the time. Where’s the excitement?! At least Gabe and Ariel (and Meg) know how to socialize after the games and that is my biggest qualm with the newbies.

Rich: Man you shit on the Sky Fighters. Don’t worry, they’ll never read anything but their own. I agree, the #24s and Colby Girls should party more. But so should the league. There hasn’t been one league sponsored Super Spreader event. This league needs to find its fun again.
Hockey wise, this is an incredibly talented team. They give up a lot of goals, but I think it’s because they don’t care because they know they will win by 3 (at least) every game.

1 Fuzz

Jess: Let it be known Rich did not place Fuzz at number 1, I did. They had 1 loss in their first game of the season against Lbs in a shootout and have comfortably won every game since. We hate to see it. Someone please knock them out in the playoffs; I don’t think I can stand the gloating if they win 3 years in a row. *princess Leia voice*: Help us Fresh Kills, you’re our only hope.

Rich: Cutler asked me what it would take for me to love Fuzz as much as the Elves. I think it’s happened. We never complain to the refs unless Russ is reffing and there have been zero incidents with our opponents. I hope the destination leads us to the PBR Cup, but either way the journey has been a lot of fun. And Sig, I mean this sincerely. I miss you as a teammate, and you’re losing when we play you on August 22. Believe that. 

by stoop dogg

Three Stars – Week 8? What week is it even? Anyways, I have never written three stars, but don’t worry humans, this won’t include anything about sex toys or mean girls. I, however, still like to be #unique so this will also include Three Not Stars. 

Third Star – Steve Friedman, Instant Karma 

Steve stood on his head in his game against Rotten Math. Made some insane saves and absolutely crushed it. He then proceeded to be a trooper and subbed for the first half of the Riots vs. Demons game where he again made save after save, playing a major role in keeping the Riots in the game in the first half of the game. Additionally, he is getting a star for his truly peak negotiating skills with Math’s captains. Steve put his impressive lawyering to good use to secure his team some extra ladies. Not only did he do it the day prior vs. waiting until he got to the courts, he also offered financial and goal compensation, and he gave a big hug of thanks for putting up with his bargaining. 

Second Star – Nico of the Poutine Machine 

Pull your jaws up off the floor, you read that right, a Poutine player is getting a star. Don’t worry, I already checked, the sky isn’t falling. Poutine had a by-week and despite that, Nico still showed up to the courts and reffed 4 games – HINT, WINK, NUDGE, we still don’t have enough refs, so sign up to ref! Four games of flawless reffing, a pretty thankless job is deserving of some stars, a big mac truck sized thank you, and some free beers from everybody else in the league. 

** Embarrassing picture not available at this time… Instagram friend request is still pending. **

First Star – AliCat 

As all of you have likely noticed, the youths like to spend Saturday nights, hanging out at the Tompkins courts, popping mad wheelies (that’s a skateboard term, right?) then popping mad bottles, and smashing them on the courts so that there are shards of glass all over the place. Which makes it super duper unsafe for us to play. AliCat, despite not being a player in the league, proceeded to sweep it all up, like that absolute boss she is. HINT: would be super cool if players of the league could get there early, help out, and clean up the glass! 

** Absolutely no credit of any kind to Russ as he played no role in AliCat being awesome.

Honorable Mentions

The Demons minus Rubens. A team who usually runs away at the very idea of rain. It seems they have turned a new leaf and not only showed up for their game, they even played through the drizzle and ended up winning. 

Jamie of Rotten Math for scoring her first ever BTSH goal 

Jack aka Tadpole for subbing in net for Lbs and doing a surprisingly very good job. 

Hero & Jack for gracing us with their perfect presence. Special shout to Jack’s excellent coaching skills. He’s very vocal from the bench, and his team is really appreciative of that. Hero is getting a mention, because Glanzer only gave up writing the Stars this week so long as I mentioned Hero. 

Ninetails, Cat’s contingency on letting me write the stars this week. I had to google what this is and what it means. Ninetails is a pokemon character that is categorized as a Fox whose abilities are Flash Fire. It is non-binary and stands at 3’7” and weighs a solid 43.9lbs. I didn’t understand any of the other things that the websites said, but still a very elegant and pretty looking animal.

 

Three Not Stars:

Third Not Star – The Rain 

Rain is almost as pesky a beach as Karma. Rain gave us some serious moments of cancellation fears with a heavy drizzle starting in the first half of the 1:45pm games, however she ultimately held off for the rest of the day and waited to unleash until after the last game ended. For that, we are very thankful, so it is awarded Third Not Star 

Second Not Star – Rubens 

He didn’t play, I assume because he was too frady scared of the rain, however he let his team take the risk and go out there and play instead of just outright trying to cancel the game. For that he gets the Second Not Star. 

First Not Star – The Butthead who stole Lbs player’s purse 

Unfortunately, we had an incident where an unknown individual came through and stole somebody’s bag, which totally sorks big time. Obviously, we are adults and all responsible for our own things, but we all want to have a safe environment to play, drink, and hang with friends, so keep your eyes peeled. If you see somebody lurking who is clearly not part of the league, be cognizant of it and say something so that people can make sure their belongings are safe and sound! #seesomethingsaysomething The d-bag thief gets the First Not a Star! 

Honorable Not a Star Mention: 

Derek Zaentz for calling his girlfriend “Hon” on the courts during play of game. Be better, Derek!

by christo_the_hawk

Fuzz beat Filthier 3-0. Yawn.

Math fell to Karma 2-5 but silver lining: “we scored 2!!!!”

The Riots took the Demons to OT only to have the Demons score in the last 5 seconds, depriving us all of lolshootouts!!!!

Gremlins lost 5-1 “to some team wearing blue” (Sky Fighters). The Sky Fighters would like everyone to know they are on a 6 game winning streak and are ready for Poutine*

*they said this in a way more aggressive manner

After an early WTP lead with back-to-back goals from Hogg and Henry, the Biters fought back to win 4-3. On the plus side for WTP, Ed’s daughter was at the courts strapped to him in a baby carrier and was very cute.

In a game where the dojo was down a few key players and the Lbs had some old favorites back (Karsten, Avery, Micayla), the Lbs won 4-1. Liam did have a sick inbound goal and Jack learned “wow you really have to pay attention the entire game as a goalie.”

Fresh Kills did their thing yet again against the Hookers and won 7-3. Shout out to literally all the guys on their team wearing lax pinnys and backwards hats.

Rehabs cruised through to a swift win over the Butchers 8-1.

See you all next week!

by Frey

Well the preview format this season seems to be compare every team to something random and the instructions always include Jess pleading with everyone to only write 2-3 sentences.  Well, jokes on you because I didn’t sleep at all last night and rambled more than Rich does if you ask him about what broomball was like in the 90s.  Also compared every team to a poker hand which will only be interesting to like 7 people in the league, and most of them are at the casino with me right now and the other one is the aforementioned Glanzer.  Sigh.  Onto the previews.

Rotten Math vs Instant Karma

Karma: 9-9 (78.3%)

Rotten Math: 5-6 Suited (21.7%)

Rotten Math checks in with 5-6 suited, a hand that doesn’t do great against many hands heads-up but actually does better against monsters like aces or kings than almost any hand.  But they are badly overmatched against Karma which is bringing pocket 9s to the table and claiming they don’t have a good hand.  Like come on guys, we know 9s are pretty good.  Board runs out 7-7-9-A-8 rainbow, giving Rotten Math a straight but Karma a boat for the heartbreaking win.  I chose 9s because that’s about the number of times I expect Isaac to claim after the game that they were the underdogs all along and the amount of slaps per claim I expected him to receive if Sarahbox Sarah hears it.

Butchers vs Rehabs

The Rehabs: A-Q off (74%)
The Butchers: Q-8 off (26%)

This is a mismatch from the jump as the Rehabs are bringing their stacked lineup to town against a Butchers team that has struggled mightily this season and hasn’t scored a goal in two full games.  The Habs’ AQ off can compete with pretty much any hand out there while Q8 can win some money if played properly and in position against weak blinds, but it’s just not happening against this team and this hand on Sunday.  Board runs out A-A-5-Q-9 and it’s over before it even begins.  Rehabs romp.  Hicks rips off his shirt and spins it over his head like a helicopter as if he’s Petey Pablo circa 2001.  He tried to do this in the middle of a flip cup game last week and was almost physically attacked by his team.  True story.

Fresh Kills vs Corlears Hookers

FK: Q-Q (71.7%)
Hookers: A-9 (28.3%)

The Fresh Kills are rolling up to showdown with QQ (the Qs do not stand for Quebec but they might as well), a legit premium hand and most likely the best on paper and when matched up against other hands across the league.  I guess you could say the queens are the Colby girls but I don’t know, I’ve always thought Gabe would look great in a tiara.  Meanwhile the Hookers are A-9, a dangerous hand but also one that novice players generally think is stronger than it really is.  The talent is there but with Tiffany tragically gone and Newnie tragically injured and Lee tragically making games, it’s a difficult situation to manage.  They have a chance but I wouldn’t bet on it, and I’d bet on just about anything.  Fresh Kills are just too solid up front and they prove it with a comfortable win

Filthier vs Fuzz

Filthier: K-Q suited (30.1%)
Fuzz: A-K off (69.9%)

Filthier has the king and queen (James and Ann) but that ultra sexy and exciting hand unfortunately doesn’t hold up well against AK suited, especially when Ann and James don’t even live in the state anymore.  Fuzz rolls in with big slick (no, that is not Mike T’s new nickname), ace-king, a high-end hand but not a made hand either.  If this was last season they’d be suited or paired already; this season they have a little work to do as a 6-0-1 record has belied some spotty attendance and a lot of personnel turnover. But they catch a team that they always seem to match up beautifully against on a week where they should have Jeff ready to go, fresh out of Detroit like his last name was Mathers and his lack of drinking belied a serious vicodin addiction.  Filthy has done admirable work this season patching holes in their roster but Fuzz always seems to have their # and I don’t see that changing this week.  Board runs out 2-2-4-K-J and Fuzz gets another win.  It would appears the only person in BTSH who can stop them is Business Annie.

Riots vs Denim Demons

Riots: Q-2 (36%)
Demons: K-8 (64%)

Riots get a Q here just because they have Margot but they’ve got an otherwise tough hand and it’s not an easy one to improve post-flop either.  Demons get K8 because they’ve always got some elite talent at the top of the lineup but can never quite put it together for a deep run.  In this game, however, that won’t be necessary as the board runs out 8-8-J-2-4 and the Demons pick up a no-sweat victory.  The only sweat they receive all day is when Gene throws one of the skateboarders in a kimura after the game.  But of course he reinjures his back doing it and it’s back to the IR for everyone’s favorite Tatiana’s enthusiast.

LBS vs Cobra Kai

LBS: J-J (54%)
Cobra Kai: A-Q suited (46%) 

With apologies to Fuzz & Filthier (but not really because I apologize for absolutely nothing), this is easily the game of the week.  Cobra Kai, who just suffered their first loss of the season in a tight 2-0 affair, roll in with AQ, a top tier hand to be sure but one that is constantly questioned by top pros because while it dominates a large range of possible holdings it doesn’t have much equity against top end hands; usually you’re at best a coin-flip, at worst you’re walking in already dominated by AK/QQ.  Sig’s not going to like hearing that and will probably punch me in the dick when he sees me in a few hours but hey make a BTSH preview omelette, gotta break a few BTSH eggs.  Thankfully for them and him and possibly the health of my dick, the LBS have been having injury and roster issues all season and showdown with pocket jacks, making this matchup the quintessential race, a classic coinflip.  Why jacks?  Well, inside sources tell us that there is an electric development going on in the Poundtown nets.  With Zisser fully expecting to be arrested this weekend in Detroit, a hero has emerged from the the back-alleys of Minnesota.  A silent guardian.  A watchful protector.  The guy who calls his glove “the vacuum” but lives in a place that hasn’t been vacuumed in over three years.  That’s right – it’s Goalie Jack making his second appearance of the season in net, the first being a 4-2 win for the Fresh Kills over Rehabs.  There are not many goalies in the league, even the full-time ones, who get wins over Cobra Kai and the Rehabs in the same season and a win here would vault him into actual respectable goalie territory.  It’s hard to say who wants this win the most out of the LBS, Cobra Kai or Jack.  But considering the LBS have both their own desires and Jack’s, are icing an actual lineup these days and are appropriately rocking pocket jacks in this hypothetical fever dream of a hand, and the fact that our sub goalie is having actual dreams about this game over 72 hours out, I’m picking Poundtown to take down the dojo with a board run-out of 2-7-9-4-2.  Then again, did you really expect me to pick something different?

Gouging Anklebiters vs What The Puck

Gouging Anklebiters: 7-7 (51.9%)
What The Puck: A-10 suited (48.1%)

The Biters lost a few of their top players during the COVID year and are now somewhat similar to Karma but not quite as strong, much the same way that 7s can hang with a lot of hands and are dominating a few, but they’re just not bringing enough heat to the top end of other players’ ranges (sadly the Probie/Derek showdown that the people have been clamoring for will have to wait til next year).  What The Puck, meanwhile, is well-suited to give them an annoying test with a deep roster of underrated players and a hand (A-10 suited) which is tricky and matches up really well against this mid pocket pair.  The wildcard is Probert, fresh off eating a bowl of bat soup and backing out of a flip cup with me night yet again (honestly, it is the ultimate insult).  Biters spike a 7 on the flop in the form of Probert coming out angry that he had to miss a week of hockey and hang on for the win.  After the game he gets kneed in the balls by Business Annie who doesn’t even care about the loss but just wanted to flip some damn cups with him.

Skyfighters vs Gremlins

Sky: Q-9 (49.3%)

Gremlins: 2-2 (50.7%)

Skyfighters clock in with Q9, a tricky hand that you can win some decent money with if you play position and aren’t afraid of getting a little gangster wild after the flop.  No one talks about this team but they’ve 5-1 and have a solid young core of mostly D5 players (swoon) and just added bloodthirsty Riegler to the roster for the playoff run.  Meanwhile the Gremlins are pocket 2s; this season, they can’t really be favored by any margin against anyone because their attendance is so spotty but if this team ever actually got Erich and Tim in a lineup with Jamie in net they would have a shot against basically anyone.  This game, like most ball hockey games at our level, really depends on who shows up.  The Skyfighters wouldn’t beat the Gremlins best possible lineup but that lineup is like the Halley’s Comet of BTSH. I’m seeing the board run out 3-6-K-K-6 for a spiked 6 on the river to counterfeit the Gremlins pair and give the Skyfighters the slimmest of upsets by the slimmest of margins.

Also, I know this was two previews ago but I just can’t stop thinking about the end of The Dark Knight.  Amazing film to be sure but what the hell is up with that ending.  Did they really have to do Batman dirty like that?  Like even if you don’t want to tell people the truth about Dent, you could easily use the Joker as the patsy for the shit that went down, or just throw down any combination of available excuses.  Why are you telling everyone it was Batman and forcing him into hiding?  Because Alfred told him he had to be the outcast?  But then in the very next movie he goes from saying “you can take it, you can be the outcast” to then being like “I can’t watch you kill yourself, I must see you at this cafe one day.”  And how did Jim Gordon fake his death during a 21 gun salute with everyone present and not knowing exactly what the joker would do.  And what’s up with Lucius Fox supplying arms to a masked vigilante for years so that Batman can continue dispensing extrajudicial justice on the streets, but as soon as Bruce is like “hey I have this machine that can tap everyone’s phone” Lucius is all aghast and he’s like now we’ve gone too far, I must quit.  And in that first scene how is the bus driving out of the bank right in the middle of a line of like 8 other busses – did they time it that perfectly or did the joker just get lucky to be driving a bus out of a bank wall and just end up in the middle of a row of similar looking school busses?  And what the hell was that alibi with the Russian ballerinas on the boat?  They’re supposed to be Bruce’s alibi for why he can’t be Batman because he was partying with them the whole time that Lau was kidnapped from China…but wouldn’t the first question the investigators ask be something like “ok, so Bruce was with you the entire week in question?” and the ballerinas are going to be like “well, kind of, except that one time when a plane landed in the water, picked him up and flew away, then he was gone for like two days and when he came back he refused to tell us where he went.”  Come to think of it, this movie had a lot more plot holes than I originally realized.  

That concludes the Skyfighters/Gremlins preview slash movie review.

See you at the courts.