btsh.org

by Glnzr

Third Star

MDF (Meredith) Butchers. In 2007, this punk rock kid went onto the org, saw the Battledome, messaged $h0wT!m3 and asked to play for the Rehabs. Hector said sure…and was pretty shocked when MegaDeath2097432 was a girl. While now former women college, pros and even Olympians litter BTSH, Meredith was first woman to dominate on the blacktop. With being first, comes an earned Diva mentality that allows her to tell Georgine when she feels like playing. Sunday she felt like playing and scored (what I was told by her) an awesome goal against deLasey, leading the Butchers to a shootout victory.

Second Star

Larry Mega. If MDF was the first, Larry is the Inception. Larry has been in BTSH probably before BTSH even existed. The only player who may be older than Gil, Larry plays solid D every game and plays 20-years-younger than his actual age. Every once in a while the ol’ man still shows us kids how it’s done, as down 3-2, Larry fired a shot past Greenwald, to help propel Mega to a comeback victory. I would have actual facts about Larry but Julie answered my DMs and texts with “follow the restraining order, Glanzer!”

First Star

Alex Lbs. The following is a story of redemption. The 2019 season ended when Alex failed to score in a pitchblack shootout attempt. He had to sit on that L for almost a year and a half. Yesterday, Fuzz took a seemingly commanding 2-0 lead early, and it looked, and felt like the Lbs. were toast. But just like Greg Jennings, Alex put his team on his back and scored the next two goals. He of course failed miserably in the shootout, but his use of Annie over rostered Liz showed he’s not just a physical specimen, he’s also diabolical and will stop at nothing for victory. 
Participation Trophy Shoutouts: None, Cat returns next week.

In true redemption arc fashion, after tying 2-2 in regulation and a scoreless overtime, Lbs beat Fuzz in a shootout with a goal from Joel.

On the other side of the court, a heated Demons v Gremlins game saw some ejections (reminder to be nice to the refs, people) but the Gremlins came out on top thanks to goals from Erich, Rockoff, and Marcella.

Rehabs swept the Biters 3-0 and Hicks had his first goal of the season assisted by Mo. Ramirez got the first shutout of the 2021 season.

Karma also swept the Riots 6-0 thanks to 2 goals from Derek, 1 from Brianna, 1 from Corey, 1 from an un-retired Chadwick (spare us the dramatics) and 1 from newcomer Florida Kevin!!!—and Steve notched a shutout for a true team effort. The Riots said “nobody got hurt!” and “Anna and Jen did great!” (Riots newbies).

Mutt Rot struck first but the machine that is Poutine came back with 2 goals thanks to Jack (in a cold blooded rage) and Pags.

Butchers vs Hookers went to 4 rounds of shootouts, knife-pigs took the W. Shoutout to Meredith for that sweet inbound clapper.

The Dojo had their shining star Campbell back in net for the weekend and beat a depleted Fresh Kills 6-2. (or maybe 5-2, someone correct me I was playing during this game).

Rainbows fell to Mega 6-3 after a back and forth first half. Tash and Courtney played the entire game for Mega with no subs so in the spirit of feminism remember to thank your female team players for being generally awesome, you guys.

What The Puck proved they’ve earned their 2nd division spot, beating Filthier 2-0 and Ed closing a great first day of the season with a shutout.

Thanks to everyone for coming out and making it a great opening weekend! Extra big thanks to the refs, captains, openers, and closers for making it all run smoothly.

written by JW

Well, none of us have any idea who the hell is left on what team, or who instead decided to move to Antarctica, but here we go…

Denim Demons vs. Gremlins

Ok, I do know that the Demons got a new goalie this season. I met him at the free agent scrimmage, and can attest that he is a nice guy and a solid goalie. They also added at least one skilled forward. Other than that, I can’t say if Popack is just camped out outside Boston Garden for every Bruins game, or if she will be in attendance on Sunday. 

Conversely, the Gremlins will not have Jamie in net, as he apparently joined the Canadian Royal Mounted Police. We wish him well in his new venture, but this will surely make this a tougher matchup for the Grems. The Gremlins have added new players as well, though, so only time will tell. 

While I do not care about my birthday, BTSH finally returning is the greatest birthday gift I could ever receive. Sadly, Tracy, I will not be able to celebrate with Fudgie The Whale, nor Cookie Puss, this year.  

Prediction: Jamie returns from Canada just in time to suit up for this game, and it tops BTSH returning as the greatest birthday gift I’ve ever received. (Ok, that is less of a prediction and more my wishful thinking.)

Fuzz vs. Lbs, Inc.

This rematch of the (incredibly asterisked) 2019 final likely involves some type of absurd bet between Rich and Alex where the loser has to go streaking through the quad (Zisser will do so regardless of who wins or loses). But more importantly it involves the UNretirement of legendary goaltender and the only BTSHer left who was born in 1800s, Coach. Coach and Tim are going to split time in net for Fuzz this season, and while I actually have no idea which one of them is playing this game I had to mention Coach’s triumphant return. Hmm, it also just occurred to me that I am curious what the inevitable wager between Boylan and Rich will be…

Prediction: Zisser doesn’t actually go streaking through the quad after the game, but instead just starts the game buck ass naked.

Gouging Anklebiters vs. Rehabs

Craig is back, that I know. Hopefully Phil and Amy are too. Probert has brought some young talent to the Biters in recent years and it has paid dividends. They’re a cohesive and skilled team who still always put fun ahead of hockey, the BTSH way. 

As for the Rehabs, I remember when the Rehabs were Blandi, Kehoe, MDF, Sena, Welch, etc. I don’t know a lot of their newer players, but I know Sena is still here, and presume that Welch is too. I also know that as a team they bring the heat, and can beat any team in the league handily on a good day. 

Prediction: This one comes down to a goaltending battle, as each team has incredible skill between the pipes. Either Sarah M. or Cherie with the game winner in OT. Who you got?

Tompkins Square Riots vs. Instant Karma

I know nothing about what’s new with the Riots, but I do know that Dave GDR is starting his 20th (!!!) year in the league this year. (It would be 21, if last year hadn’t been cancelled.) I could make a joke here that Dave’s tenure in the league is older than some of the new players, but that would be low hanging fruit, even for me. So instead I will just give him big ups for the staying power, and try to learn more about the Riots’ roster for the next preview. 

Instant Karma look very strong this season, and Isaac’s recruiting pool of former ECHL, former NWHL, and current NHL players is going to be difficult to contend with for any team. Steve is always solid in net, and the whole team is a friendly and skilled bunch. But we still miss Nicole and Chadwick. 

Prediction: Karma know how to party, and know how to light the lamp. They’ll be doing both, in reverse order, this Sunday. 

Mutt Rot vs. Poutine Machine

The big story of this season is the only team merger, that of Gut Rot and Mathematics. Both teams lost a few members, and had many members with uncertain attendance this season, so Diane and Zach decided to join forces. Makes sense, right? (Oh…they’re married, for you new jacks.) These two teams get along incredibly well off the courts, but will they gel together on the court? That remains to be seen. But also it doesn’t really matter because BTSH is only like 10% about hockey. 

Hmm, but they are playing against a team who seems to think that BTSH is 90% about hockey. Interesting dichotomy, here. However, the real story of this game is that McGinty is playing against his old team (or, umm, half his old team?). Having left Mathematics for Poutine after the 2019 season, his first game with Poutine is a (coincidental?) matchup. Will he remember which net to shoot at? (Maybe.) Will he shotgun beers and do push-ups both before and after the game? (Yes, definitely.)

Prediction: Poutine win, and really care about it. 

Butchers vs. Corlears Hookers

I do not know much about the Butchers’ roster for this year, but I am not even sure they know? I do know that Tim Burke is back (hmm, I am sensing a theme that I only know about the goalies), and I know that Rachel, Arthur, Georgine, Pete D. are back in action. I mean, they’ll probably have enough players. All of us will PROBABLY have enough players…..right?

As for the Hooks, Lee has moved to New England but will apparently still be commuting in for every game. I assume Danilo is still on the Hooks so we’ll keep an eye on the Danilo vs. Arthur matchup in this one. 

Prediction: The various shades of maroon and purple jerseys all blend together and no one knows what’s going on. 

Dark Rainbows vs. Mega Touch

It’s no secret that these are two of my favorite teams. But I’ve long belabored that point, and I keep forgetting that we may actually have new readers this year, yet even they won’t wanna hear it. So let’s instead start with some basics for the new people. The Rainbows are the pink team. Mega are the gray team. Go hang out with the Rainbows if you want someone to be nice to you (Tia), if you want cute dogs, and if you want bad pizza (is Baker’s even still open? Let’s hope not.). Go hang out with Mega if you want someone to give you candy (Julie), if you like v-necks and jorts, and if you can appreciate deep and biting sarcasm (Alex). This is all you really need to know. Oh, and apparently Tarny left the ‘Bows this year. But that’s a story for another game preview…

Prediction: The new people flock to watch this game. All they heard was “candy”. 

Cobra Kai vs. Fresh Kills

It’s been so long that I forget what everyone even looks like, and who people are. I am going to assume that “LJ” is former NFL defensive end Lawrence Jackson, and that Will “Green” is the team’s mascot, based on their team color? One thing no one can forget is Russell’s chirps. I’ve been hearing mixed stories about whether Campbell is back, but if he is it won’t be easy going for Fresh Kills.

For FK I heard a rumour that Meg is bringing in some Colby talent. I know that Ariel is still around and up to his old tricks. Is Gabe’s daughter enough to play yet? This pandemic certainly made it feel like that much time has passed. 

Prediction: In terms of actual hockey skill and a tight matchup, this could be the game of the week. But more importantly: someone please shut Russell up. 

What The Puck vs. Filthier

Has anyone in BTSH history ever poached more players than Hogg has? I mean this guy is a bigger headhunter than Dave St. Jules’ shot (like 3 people get this joke). First it was Ed, and now this year Becca and Tarny. Before we know it every player in the league will be on WTP and WTP will have no other teams to play against. Hmm, wait, then every player in the league would win a championship. How did we never think of this before?? Speaking of Ed, will fatherhood slow him down at all? Will it even matter with Hogg and Tarny each averaging like 3 points per game?

When it comes to scoring a lot, Filthier is a name that comes up often. I saw Danielle scouting at the free agent scrimmage, so I guess they have still yet to figure out a way to clone Suvin. Despite that, I am going to venture a guess that they still have that scoring knack. Also, as long as Tim K. can remember how to play without rollerblades they’ll have strong goaltending. 

Prediction: Ann and James take a break from being the face of Islanders’ televised broadcasts to make an appearance on opening day. 

By christo_the_hawk & Dingle McCringle

Hey friends, it’s been a while. So as your new media overlords editors we wanted to re-introduce everyone to the teams in the league and maybe help some of the confused free agents out there who haven’t decided where they want to pledge allegiance to. Prepare yourself for tropes, stereotypes, and a little bit of truth. 

First Division

Fuzz

I’m going to get this one out of the way early. Welcome to the team of people who all are from the suburbs of Long Island*** and would be cops if they could. Or am I just describing Rich? There’s a lot of testosterone on this team—not to be mistaken for BDE (that’s ‘big dick energy’ for the boomers in the audience). Anyways, Fuzz hates women (noted by their lack of female players) and that’s the storyline we’re running with this season. 

*editor’s note: one of us is from Long Island and is allowing Long Island slander. One of us is from Connecticut and is therefore better than most of you. 

Rehabs

A team that has actual BDE, thanks solely to the women, you don’t want to mess with the ‘Habs. This team lets their skills do the talking. As an anonymous male member of this team once said ‘We all hate d**** and we’re good at hockey’. The men on this team know their place as the betas to their superior female alphas. This team is like if The Handmaiden’s Tale was reversed. What I’m saying is, don’t fuck with the Rehabs. 

Ankle Biters

Imagine watching your dad get blackout drunk at the Memorial Day BBQ, absolutely crushing backyard games and grilling a fantastic burger. That’s what playing with the Biters is like. Sure, most of them are approaching AARP status but they’re fun, tough, and are captained by golden boy Ben (who is also getting old, I might add). All ageism jokes aside, this team has played together for so long, there’s a reason why they’ve moved up the ranks to the 1st Division. 

Filthier

I’m not saying Ann and James are Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt in Mr. & Mrs. Smith, but I’m also not not saying it. Think about it. Two highly trained assassins snippity sniping goals on the regular and looking beautiful doing it. But just an overall stunning team that’s reliable, safe, and has high ROIs just like Dogecoin. #Stonks

Lbs

If Fuzz is lawful evil, then the Lbs are chaotic evil. 2 sides of the same coin, these teams faced off in a 2019 final that went literally until it got too dark to see, and then had to go to shootouts (Fuzz won). Lbs have fast and aggressive talent and a strategic captain. They have more of a defensive stronghold with Zisser in net and Frey and Kelsey playing back; with Covid ransacking everyone’s numbers, their offense leaves something to be desired. They historically like playing with a light roster—this year might be stretching it thin, even for Lbs standards. 

Second Division

Fresh Kills

Just call this team Colby Jr. because it seems like Meg has a pipeline straight from Maine to Tompkins. At last count, there are seventeen White Mules (Colby’s mascot lololol) with Poppa Gabe and Double Poppa Ariel rounding out the squad. Expect goals o’ plenty when their entire roster is there followed by 7-0 losses when attendance issues plague them like they have in the past. 

Hookers

The Hookers are a sneaky team that don’t go down without a fight and have had surprisingly longer-than-usual playoff runs. Most of the guys from a few years back are finally returning and they’ve got a new mystery goalie (it’s prob not a mystery, my source was not forthcoming). Captain Sarah is recovering from shoulder surgery and will be leading the team from the sidelines but according to one anonymous Hooker with a self-proclaimed drinking problem, ‘we’re going to take the league by storm’.

Cobra Kai

Not in this Dojo. This is the team that inspired the Karate Kid spinoff show. Built around a Standing Mantis D corp with an Action Dragon offense, you blink and this team can Crane Kick you into 2022. Jaden Smith. Ok, I’m done. Not sure how much Campbell will be in the net this year, but expect a lot of one-goal games from this quick-tempo team. The guys play a lot of ice hockey together in the off-season so expect some spicy male chemistry—however a lot of them are old, like mid 30’s old, like Russ old, so they won’t be able to back check like, ever. 

What the Puck

What the Puck has risen through the divisions with each passing season. It’s only a matter of time until they reach the 1st Division. Speaking of each passing season, it seems that Hogg has been about to poach good players year after year. With some former Gut Rot, Rainbows, and sought after free agent talent, their roster is now pretty formidable. Despite their recent success and savageness on the court, they’re still a fun team to play against and drink a beer with after. WTP is like your one over competitive friend who you HATE playing drinking games with but will help you boot and rally in the bathroom mid-party.

Butchers

The Butchers have made it to the 2nd Division and there’s not much of a question if they’re ready but rather, is everyone else ready. This is another unassuming team that despite having a rocky playoffs history, typically dominates the regular season. Most of their players strictly play BTSH and it shows in their ability to handle the errant bounce of the ball and generally tricky blacktop. It will be interesting to see them go up against What The Puck, their former division-mates, in a more intense setting. 

Third Division

Poutine

First of all, nobody French is on this team and that, to me, is the biggest waste of all. You have a seasoned mix of older, immature men and younger, immature men who will shotgun a whiteclaw without even being asked. What I’m saying is, they are the living embodiment of The 13th Step—the East Village frat bar the Poo-Crew likes to inhabit after all of their games. I feel like this is the umpteenth team I’m writing this for but the ladies of this team are talented and help hold it down, especially on defense with Captain Sully. Poutine is here for a good time, not a long time, and with the competition in their division heating up, they might have to battle to stay in the 3rd Division.

Gremlins

The Gremlins are what I’d call the definition of a motley crew. But this unsuspecting team has been together for a while and is one of the more consistent teams in the league. They were known for having one of the best goalies in the league but with his sabbatical year they’ll have to have a new strategy for winning besides their strong defense. Also, can somebody please tell Walker that Gen Z exists so he can stop comparing everything to Millennials.

Demons

First of all, if you’re new to this league there is a stereotype that the Demons are Dicks. If Dicks ‘R Us was a store, Rubens would be the manager. But I’d like to pause that narrative for a bit and call out that there are people with dick-like tendencies on every team and the Demons have some redeeming qualities. After playing against them, if you dare sit and have a post-game beer, you’ll find a few of them to be pretty funny. Plus thanks to Lil Nas X, hanging with demons is so in right now. 

Karma

Ohhhh Karma, where to begin. If not for COVID cancelling the 2020 season, Karma might’ve been a PBR Cup contender. But with Creeden forced to move back to New England out of fear of losing his Boston accent, and AK packing up to live in a van down by the Colorado River, there are a lot of uncertainties heading into the season. Will new dog-dad Braun show up to a single game? Who is Florida Kevin and how hard has he taken the Panthers loss? (Picture below, not great.) Now that Derek is officially a Pharrell-hat guy, has he forgotten how to hockey and does he only wear skinny jeans? But aside from all those Q’s, there’s consistency in goal with Steve “Bring in the Dancing Lobsters” Friedman and BTSH vets Isaac, Stabel, Dr. Dangles, and more. Look for them to be shooting for the top spot in the division.   

Fourth Division

Mutt Rot

Math and Gut Rot combined this year for the hybrid ‘Mutt Rot’. Gut Math and Math Rot are also strong name contenders. It’s actually a match made in heaven since both teams are scrappy, a bit down-on-their-luck, and have a few sharp shooters. Both have also suffered the loss of top scorers (Jack on Math and Akhil on Gut Rot). We’ll see if this combo can pack a punch.

Riots

The Riots have been historically thought of as a weaker team and have historically proven many teams wrong who were foolish enough to underestimate them. Dave’s ability to have ‘Dave Days’ in net has steadily increased in BTSH and other leagues in the city. With athletic players with a chip on their shoulder, this team is ready for a hard-fought victory on any given Sunday.

Rainbows

What’s at the end of a rainbow? I guess a pink wizard that shoots lightning bolts out of his fingers. The early favorite to win the fourth division, Rainbows have a not-so-sneaky good team led by Cap’n Yetter, D-Man Dan, Swagner, Bryan, everyone else, and then Jess. Expect the Rainbows to hit the rest of the division with a lil’ Roy G. Biv magic and near-perfect attendance week after week. 

Mega Touch

Mega Touch is that itch you can’t reach in the center of your back. The one fly that got into your house and won’t leave despite your best attempts to swat it. Don’t underestimate Mega. They are often overlooked but have taken many a higher division team to overtime and often walked away with an upset. With young elite female talent like Shelly, Tash, and Courtney, they are not to be taken lightly. 

Skyfighters

If any team has felt the brunt of losing players over the years, it’s the mighty Skyfighters. Like the Oakland A’s (baseball reference, ew), the talent the team has had on its roster only to watch them get poached end-of-year has been staggering. But that ends now (maybe). New captain Emily Barbour is the anchor—tiny anchor—the team needs to lead an aging core with a handful of promising new recruits back to victory. 

We can’t wait to see everyone back out there!

The 2021 Free Agent Scrimmages will be held on Sunday, May 16th and Sunday May 23rd.

Shirt Color: free agents need to wear a Red shirt.

Location: Tompkins Square Park at the corner of 10th Street and Avenue A. (Enter the courts at 9th Street and Avenue A.)

Time: 1 pm – 3 pm on both the 16th and 23rd.

Rules: MUST WEAR A MASK AT ALL TIMES. And don’t be a dick.

See you there!