btsh.org

The last media article of the year!! With Finals upon us, we encourage everyone to come out and watch this Sunday at 2pm and then stick around for the BTSH Media Awards immediately after, which will be done right at the courts. And then, if you’re so inclined, go on down to Ace Bar for the end of year party – shout out to Jack for organizing.

PBR Cup Semis

Fuzz v Vertz
Jess: I’m just here to remind Rich that last week I explicitly said if the Vertz’ game went to a shootout they’d win and he said I WAS WRONG and it wouldn’t go to a shootout. Anyways, this time it’ll be too hard for the Vertz to fight back if they find themselves down 4 goals again. 
Rich: And I’m just here to remind Jess that if the Vertz were down 4 to Poutine they would have lost as they were only down 3.
Jess  ….math is hard for me and at one point it WAS 4-0.

Rich:

Jess: YOU ARE DISTRACTING THE PUBLIC FROM THE PREVIEW. You know what, now the Vertz win 10-0. 

Fresh Kills v Cobra Kai

Jess: Fresh Kills is like Fuzz but instead of Rich their resident old guy is Ariel. Cobra Kai losing the exemption vote on Siena will hurt them in the lady department this game but LJ, Charlotte, and Brita are more than capable to take on the Colby ladies. 
Rich: Never before has a team needed the FAA to hold serve so badly. With Ariel and Meg flying in, and Liam flying out, this game is all about those underpaid pilots. 

While Liam is a massive loss for CK, I wouldn’t write them off. They built their team on tenacity and one player doesn’t dictate that. FK has a very similar offense to Fuzz, and CK have given up 3,1 and 3 non-empty net goals the last 3 playoffs vs. us during regulation time. I think FK has to be the favorite as they will have the “FK 5” as well as the other 4 who prob are as good as those 5. I foresee a game where time of possession is clearly in FK’s favor, but CK will limit much of their chances to outside shots. However with this dominant O, they’ll get plenty of great opps too. Should be fun, glad I can’t watch it though. 

PBR Cup Finals –The media has explored the possibility of all finals matchups, regardless of favoritism

Fuzz v Cobra Kai

Jess: I would LOVE to see CK finally beat Fuzz in a final. On paper it looks like Fuzz should win easily but something about when these two teams play against each other makes it incredibly close. I’m hoping for an OT and the good guys finally win.

Vertz v Cobra Kai

Hicks: One team has a snake logo, the other always has their snakes out. Please God, let this happen. ????

Fresh Kills v Fuzz
Jess: I think this is the one team that has the exact same type of male players as Fuzz and it will be incredibly interesting to see how they go toe-to-toe. I used to think Fresh Kills was the only team who could take down Fuzz but I still think Cobra Kai has their number. Once again, I am rooting for the ‘underdogs’ here…what kind of world do we live in where FK are the underdogs smh.

Vertz vs Fresh Kills
Jill Orange (Jim Apple’s cousin): Even though ‘don’t let the Vertz get hot’ is supposedly now banned – let’s pretend it’s not for a moment while I say the Vertz are as hot as a white dwarf star.

Unfortunately, even white dwarfs can cool off and if they get too cold they might lose to Fresh Kills, scientifically speaking of course. 

Fresh Kills take the win 3-1 and the Vertz slowly morph into a red dwarf, and then a black hole, sucking up the entire universe and Tompkins as we know it.

Schlitz Cup final: Sky Fighters v Mega Touch

Rich: With all these unlikely scenarios this is the only one I think that can actually happen. Jess already said Vertz beats Fuzz 10-0. Then they obliterate FK. Hicks is flying high. He runs over to the Schlitz Cup and challenges the winning team, PBR vs. Schlitz. Julie accepts and Mega beats Vertz handily and wins both trophies. Hicks never even touches the Cup and also loses in D5 on Tuesday. 

Cutler is seething mad and moves to Florida to live happily with Ariel. (I would have Sky Fighters winning but Wes is too classy to take another mans trophy, and obv Julie is not). 

Jess: on a serious Schlitz note, the last time I reffed was mega touch v sky fighters and tbh it made me never want to ref again because it was HEATED. Seriously who would have thought. It was a little too close for comfort with a controversial Mega goal last time so I’ll give this one to sky fighters in OT please nobody yell at me!!!

By Le Medía

Well folks, we’re nearly at the end of the season and after Sunday, only four teams will remain. Who they’ll be is anyone’s guess, but your favorite band of misfit media members took a stab at predicting the outcomes. Enjoy! (or don’t—we’re pretty indifferent about it)

Fresh Kills v Filthier

Jess: Filthier may have bested the Sky Fighters but I don’t see them getting away with beating Fresh Kills. Not with Gabe, the FK Five, Ariel magically being back from Florida every weekend, and the Colby farm system (+ most underrated nominee /last game’s goal scorer, Sheena). 

Filthier has done way better than people gave them credit for this season with some good pickups but it’s just not enough. If Fresh Kills can pull this off they get Meg back the following weekend. Prediction: FK 4-1.

Steven: I gave up four goals to FIlthier in two games. I gave up five goals to Fresh Kills in one game. So by that logic, Fresh Kills will win. 

Fuzz v Hookers

Dingle: Hookers have been played with fire these past two weeks—playing do-or-die hockey in an OT game against Butchers two weeks ago and a (lol) shootout against Mega last week. Will all those extra minutes contribute to some overall sluggishness in this game? No, but the hangovers sure might. 

Jess: An anonymous source said the Hookers’ girls are better than Fuzz’s girls (Ryann, do NOT beat me up pls) and with Cutler gone, I am inclined to agree with said anonymous source. But it’s tough to imagine a team that barely scraped by against the Butchers and Mega to beat Fuzz – a team with at least 3 dudes who live in NJ and live by the motto ‘men’s league ball hockey is lyfe’ – Fuzz wins this one. 

Steven: Charlotte from Fuzz is off coaching Team USA in a world championship roller tournament and will miss the game. Fuzz will struggle but they have a deep bench. The only way Hookers win is if Jack scores four goals. No pressure bud.

Cobra Kai v Demons

Glnzr: On paper, this is the right team for the Demons to pull off a massive upset. The Demons have a couple of scorers and the one weakness CK has is they have to work for all their goals. 

But that’s literally CK’s only weakness.  After playing them 3 times in semis/finals there is just no way CK loses. 5-0 for CK.  

Dingle: Honorable mention to Demons last week for playing with the shortest of short benches. I think they had only six or seven total players, so job well done last week. As far as this week goes, I agree with Glnzr (e gasp) in the sense that this is a major trap game for The Dojo. Yes, on paper Cobra Kai may have a deeper roster, but don’t sleep on the fact that Neil and Yeff—aka Jeff—can score some goals. I’ll peg this (hehe) as a closer one than anticipated, but CK still pulls out (hehe again) the win, 4-2. 

Poutine v Vertz

Jess: This one is gonna be spicy. I think Poutine might have the slight offensive edge here but Vertz have lock-down D + Tim K (love u Jeff). This is definitely going to overtime but if it goes to a shoot out I think Vertz win it. 

Glnzr: For what BTSH is, this may be the best coaching job in the history of the league. Mikey had a mass exodus and somehow got his team to have one of the best seasons ever. If there was an MVP of the league, he’d get my vote. But now he must face the team that poached some of his players. 

Meanwhile, the Vertz pulled off one of the biggest upsets in BTSH playoff history. I mean player for player it’s not that big an upset as the Vertz had a shit reg season but are obviously good. But I imagine 100% of the people not on the Vertz and certainly Cutler (who often bets against her team in the playoffs) thought the Lbs. would win. I think Jess is wrong and it’s not going to OT, and the Vertz win 3-1. 

Dingle: I can’t wait to make a “Don’t Let The Vertz Get Hot (DLTVGH)” alternate jersey for next season. 

Hicks: We don’t say that phrase anymore. 

It’s that time of year again!! The media team met last night to deliberate the winners of the incredibly prestigious BTSH awards categories. For those of you who are new here, we send a survey out to all the captains to nominate players that have stood out this season.The media then meets for dinner to deliberate those nominees, create new categories & nominate players the captains may have missed, and drink gross boxed wine because the dinner place we go to is BYOB.

The winners will be announced at the courts after the finals on 11/13 so if you’ve been nominated make sure to come! (And maybe come to the end of year party after).

Female Rookie of the Year
Brita – Cobra Kai
Carly – Vertz
Ellie – Filthier
Emma – Gremlins
KG – Sky Fighters

Male Rookie of the Year
Adam – WTP
Alec – Mega Touch
Corey – Lbs
Lucas – Biters
Simon – Vertz

Captain(s) of the Year
Todd and Shawn – Bad Seeds
Mikey – Poutine
Suz – Riots
Susie – WTP

Best Defense: Female
Charlotte – Fuzz
Kelsey – Lbs
LJ – Cobra Kai
Tash – Mega Touch

Best Defense: Male
Avery – Lbs
Frey – Lbs
JJ – Filthier
Jake T – Butchers

Craig ‘Kentucky Wristwatch’ Lacombe Award – for flamboyance and extraordinary feats in Goaltending
Cam – Free Agent
Chris C – Demons/FA
James – SKy Fighters
Eric R – Riots
Jack McGinty lol sike

Most Underrated: Female
Cathy – Gremlins
Ellexa – Ankle Biters
Jill – The Agents
Morgan – The Hookers
Sheena – Fresh Kills

Most Underrated: Male
Alex EM – Mega Touch
Dave L – Riots
Kevin M – Karma
Roberts – Lbs

*Most Overrated: Braun – Karma

Best Duo
BTSH & The Rain
Malik & Ryann
Russ & Nico
Source & Ramy

The Rachel Greene Award for Snark, Style, and Sass
Amanda – Fuzz
Brady – Butchers
Casca – Cobra Kai
Emily B – Sky Fighters
Sammi – Demons

The Tracy L Miller Award for Nicest Person
Dianne- The Bad Seeds
Jaimie – Vertz
Lief – The Agents
Tia – Dark Rainbows
Wes – Sky Fighters

The Zac Hogg Award for Gratuitous Volunteering and Keeping the League from Becoming a Sinking Ship (aka Time Hogg Award)
AliCat – Cobra Kai
Scotty K – Lbs
Lee – Hookers
Nico – Dark Rainbows
Justin – WTP

*The Jack McGinty Sluttiest Player Award (for the player who plays the most games for other teams/switched teams the most)
Annie – Free Agent
Cam – Free Agent
Joel – Lbs –> Dark Rainbows
Mel – Sky Fighters
*This award is in its inaugural year

Least Improved
Bill – Karma
George – Fresh Kills
Shelly – Mega Touch
Sean – Dark Rainbows
Tim K – Vertz

*The Monday Call Out Award (for the player who goes the hardest hanging out and inevitably has to come in late to work or not at all on Monday)
AK – Karma
Dana – Dark Rainbows
Jeff G – Poutine
Liz – Lbs
Fresh Kills (for obviously not paying their bar tab)
*This award is in its inaugural year

by various media members

Biters v Fuzz

23andMia: You cannot call out our beloved league without using the letters BTS, the same letters that identify the K-pop sensation who between 2014 and 2023, will have contributed $29.1 trillion to the South Korean economy, according to Forbes. Fuzz might be our BTS: a handpicked super group brought together to rise to the top who have infused the league with an incomparable wealth only to be described as “the world according to Glanzer”.

Earlier this week, the other media that’s not us reported that the entire BTS band will join the South Korean military for two years, as mandated by law. There will be no special treatment for Jin, J-Hope and others… they will grind it out, just like the Ankle Biters do every Sunday. BTS will do what they have to do at this stage of their lives, much like Probie, Amy and Phill, who don’t even live in the city anymore but travel from afar to represent. Let’s hope no one gets desecrated by a crazy North Korean in the next two years… or ever. 

Prediction: Ankle Biters fall, honorably, 3-2

Cat: commenting to stay on BTStok

JW: Who are BTS?

Filthier v Sky Fighters

Jess: Honestly, I think the Sky____Fighters have the edge here. They play more cohesively than Filthier who, although rostering some skilled individuals, don’t seem to fully click as a unit.

Prediction: Sky Fighters 3-2

Rich: I played against Filthier two weeks ago when I let Karma use all their good players. They are good. I think SF will have their hands full. Playoffs are way different than the regular season and I know KG has the Clutch Gene as she scored 3 goals including one in the finals in OC. (23andMia: The first of KG’s goals happened within the first three minutes of her first ever shift at OC.) I also don’t think Ellie does as she was really bad at pool in our 3 losses to Alex. I’m going with Jake, Wes, Emily in this one 2-1. 

Karma v Fresh Kills

Jim Apple: There are about 15 different versions of this game based on what combination of attendance each team is able to achieve. Does Meg fly in? Does Lily feel like going to the rink on Sunday? Has AK found a couch to sleep on? Is Derek still at the beach? How many Bron/ Brauns show up? Safe to assume an FBI agent will be present at the courts checking Fresh Kills working visas. Canadians beware. 

Jess: Lucky for Bron he has dual citizenship and yes I’m putting this in writing so we can legally claim him for the US v Canada BTSH game I want to speak into existence. No shot Meg flies in because Gabe is a liar but fake Facebook Gabe would fly her back for the round of 16 in a second. 

Rich: Fake FB Gabe > Real FB Gabe! Bron is a Canadian so he plays with them. 4-2 FK. 

Butchers v Mega Touch

Rich: I think Mega will win but considering the Butchers advanced even though they lost to the Hookers, I like their chances at being BTSH’s version of Jesus, of dying and coming back. 6-0 Mega, with Butchers moving on. Don’t delete this you, coward!

Hookers v Mega Touch

I was subconsciously rooting for the Butchers I guess. Here’s the real preview:

Cat: I worry the Hookers will underestimate Mega Touch, and given how great Julie is at motivating her team, and how great defensively they are, I really think in the end Mega will have the edge against a higher division team. 

JW: We played against Mega week 1 and they were absolutely stifling….oops, I already said this in another preview earlier this season. Man, definitely running out of (mental) gas these days. We did not play the Hookers this season, but I did watch their play-in game against the Butchers on Sunday. They have a lot of talent, and they have speed. Mega has the same but they also have (with the exception of Danilo) stronger defense. And I believe it was Snagglepuss who said “defense wins championships”. Or maybe it was Grape Ape. I can’t remember anything anymore. 

Prediction: Mega, 4-3, in regulation.

Dingle: It was a close call for Hookers last Sunday after bribing the refs getting a fortunate play-on call allowed them to score the OT winner against Butchers. In this one, they’ll need all the Abraham Lincolns and George Washingtons they can bring to get some calls to go their way against Mega. Just remember the rules of BTSH: 

1. Don’t be a dick
2. Make sure to also grease the wheels of your Media Editors 🙂

Demons v Riots

Jess: While the Demons lost the majority of their exemption vote players (shocker), they were able to get Brad approved, who will no doubt provide some defensive fire power. Riots have the edge with goaltending but Demons have the edge with offense. It’s gonna be a tight one. Prediction: Demons in OT

Rich: Not surprising the only two teams losing in the exemption vote were Filthier and the Demons. If Neal, Jeff, Brad show up I like the Demons chances. But still going with Riots 2-1. 

Jess: idk who Neal is but if Neil comes I agree it’s better for the Demons

JW: Oh snap, Rich, she just JW’d you. 

RG: Revenge was a dish served scolding hot to me. Good job Jess. 

Jess: related/unrelated doesn’t Jeff look like a Disney channel villain from a ski movie?

Vertz v Lbs

Rich: Don’t let the Vertz lose their first playoff game. I’ll say something nice. Hicks did a great job building this franchise. In one season they’ve done more for the league than many franchises have in 5 seasons. They poached from everyone not just one team. But there’s no way they beat the Lbs. 4-1. 

Jim Apple: The story here is great and honestly could be turned into a movie pending the outcome of this game. The Lbs, favorites to win the game, are feared by many in the league and have played together for years. The Vertz, backed by America and with the odds stacked against them, must come together as a team despite their short tenure as an organization. The cast would be packed full of stars. I’d imagine we would see James Spader playing the role of Lbs captain, Alex Frey:

You’d have to think on the opposite end of the court Dwayne Johnson would be getting the call to be cast as Hicks:

Anyways, Vertz 4-3 and Hicks cries. 

Hicks: Imagine spending all season working hard to secure a great playoff seed. You sweep Karma, you get Source to actually fill out the attendance form (which half the league apparently still struggles with, wtf?), and your reward is… a first round matchup with the Lbs. Sometimes life isn’t fair (much like sus play-in round reffing). In the hit TV series, The Blacklist, James Spader once said, “You can’t judge a book by its cover. But you can by it’s first few chapters and certainly by its last.” People (aka Rich) want to write off the Vertz based on their first few chapters but to quote Natasha Bedingfield: 

“Reaching for something in the distance

So close you can almost taste it

Release your inhibitions

Feel the rain (fears) on your skin

No one else can feel it for you

Only you can let it in

No one else, no one else

Can speak the words on your lips

Drench yourself in words unspoken

Live your life with arms wide open

Today (Sunday) is where your book begins

The rest is still unwritten”

Rich: “Imagine spending all season working hard to secure a great playoff seed. “

Wait does Hicks think 15 is a great playoff seed???

Rainbows v Cobra Kai

Cat: I’m not going to pretend this is going to be our underdog karate kid moment BUT just a reminder that the last time Rainbows matched up against CK in the playoffs, I scored the first goal on Campbell and he still cries about it.

Dingle: We have some wild comparisons being thrown around right now (Hicks being compared to The Rock is an all-time ego boost). But having watched Rainbows over the years grow from a one-win franchise to an ~above .500 franchise~ even with notable players bouncing a week before the season **cough cough Yetter and Tarny cough cough**, they’re a good group of scrapers that are most importantly well-liked in the league. 

Does that mean they have what it takes to beat The Dojo? I don’t think so. In this matchup, I’d compare Rainbows to a big bowl of Lucky Charms. Sugary, yummy, overall a good time. But Cobra Kai are coming in like the kid who always raced to the front of the line for elementary school lunch, and they’re eatin’ good this Sunday. 

Nom nom, CK wins 5-2 after a eerily quiet first half where Rainbows stay in it until the floodgates open. 

Jess: Dingle is biased because he literally lives on the same street as Yetter. This preview is horseshit!!!! I’m kicking you both out of the south brooklyn carpool. 

WTP v Poutine

JW: The Pucks beat the Gremlins last week on the strength of stellar goaltending and defense, and they’re going to need it against Poutine……wait, actual hockey previews are boring. The Pucks are like……Oglethorpe, and Poutine are like……Emory? Hmm, maybe not. I don’t think either team are like Carl, nor the Mooninites, though. Only like 3 people get this reference, come on JW. I have never seen a single second of Game Of Thrones or The Sopranos, so this is what you get. 

In any case, the Pucks keep it close but Poutine takes this one, 4-2 (no empty netter). 

Dingle: I was fairly confident JW’s comparisons were a Slapshot reference, but then when he mentioned Mooninites, I’m thinking it’s a cult thing now? I dunno and we’re at the end of the previews, so Google it on your own time. 

We’ve got a one-loss Poutine team with a hell-if-I-know full roster going up against a scrappy WTP team that was penned in as possible D2 winners this season. If Hogg’s in net, it might be a closer affair than expected, but I’m in agreement with cult-loving JW here, Poutine win this one.  

Jess: I personally witnessed Mikey begging Jeff to keep things tame this Saturday night. Unless someone from WTP takes one for the team and invites Jeff to party at House of Yes until 4am, I think Poutine is safe. 

See you Sunday!!

by cristo_the_hawk

This is a weird week for play-in games. Many of these teams are finding themselves in the bottom 8 for the first time ever (HI VERTZ), and some of them are used to battling it out and then ultimately having fun in the Schlitz Cup.*

*The Schlitz Cup is an historic tournament run by Isaac and Walker for the 4 teams who lose the play-in round and the 4 teams who lose the first round of playoffs. The 8 teams must be in d4 or d3 to keep things fun and LIGHT.

Gremlins v WTP

This will probably be the most exciting game of the day. The Gremlins aren’t going to just roll over for WTP but at the same time, if they can’t convince Erich to come back from his idyllic upstate life this might be a more painful game.

Prediction: WTP 4-0.

Agents v Filthier

Even though Filthier lost to the Biters 10-3 last weekend, the level of hockey was still good. They have some dangerous players and unfortunately for the Agents – who only have 9 eligible players for this game due to an attendance miscommunication mishap- it’s not looking good.

Prediction: Filthier 7-0. 

Bad Seeds v Vertz

Another game that feels like it shouldn’t be happening, but with random rainouts and strength of schedule for other teams, the Vertz have found themselves down here with us plebs. I do think The Seeds are favorites for the Schlitz cup though!!

Prediction: Vertz 5-1. 

Butchers v Hookers

Again, shocked The Hookers are even in this situation but it won’t necessarily be a slaughterhouse for the knife pigs – The Butchers defense and goaltending is incredibly solid. Still, the Hookers have acquired some talent this year and having Danillo is just a total cheat code. 

Prediction: Hookers 6-1.