btsh.org

By Cheekbones

Written while listening to Salt-N-Pepa’s Shoop…

Here I go, here I go again GIRLS what’s my weakness? 

Free Agents. Yetter filled in for the Rainbows yet again, and this time tied the game against Mega with one minute left and then the brother had it goin’ on with somethin’ kinda, uh, wicked and buried one in the shootout. Oh my goodness, girl look at him. 

Straight up, wait up, hold up, Mr. Lover – apparently Yetter wants to be called “Blakwolf” now. Rainbow’s Cat B was asked for comment, replying “Yeah he want nicknames and a private jet and shit. We told him you better become an offish Rainbow before you go asking for sparkling mineral water in your dressing room, nahm saying?”

Or a shotgun – bang! What’s up with that thing? 

Quoth the pigeon who got nailed during Biters/Math. Apparently he came out on a sunday all bright as the sun, I wanna have some fun and then that f*cking asshole Probie took a wrister at the net, missed and nailed the bird. Mr Pidge reportedly stayed upright, stunned, and and after a few moments flew away sideways with its right side dropped while bobbing up and down as well as back and forth. I reached out to Birdbreaker, asking if he regretted the shot, he replied “I hit the skins for the hell of it, just for the yell I get, mmmm mmm mmm for the smell of it.”

What a douche. (more…)

Cecil Harambe
by Derk Diggler

2017 Tournament Results: B Bracket winners…but I’m sure you already knew that, because they’re still gloating about it. Have you ever seen a team celebrate mediocrity as much as Cecil(e) Harambe? The funny part is that they essentially played one good game the entire tournament. After bumbling through the Saturday games, they lucked into the most favorable draw possible on Sunday, which culminated in a 1-0 dump-fest win against Drunk Machine. Congrats guys–you beat BSA and Hornswoggle.

World Champs 2017

The Captain(s): It was Richie, then he got hurt, so it was Derek, and now it’s kind of Richie again in a non-playing capacity. So, what’s he going to do? Is he just going to limp behind the benches, trying to garner sympathy for his routine minor outpatient surgery? Why is Derek still involved? Didn’t he have a kid and move like two years ago? Get on with your life, dude.

Also, even though he’s not officially a captain, Elly is floating around.

Top Players: Can anyone please explain why Fresh Kills joined forces with these tryhards? Any team would happily take Ariel and Barch (unless they’re trying to make a point about how much fun they’re having at OC by losing), but they’ve stuck it out with CH for years leaving us to believe Richie obviously has incriminating photos of them. Plus, they have LJ from Cobra Kai, who either has too much loyalty for her own good or just didn’t realize you’re allowed to change teams.

What’s New: So, after of texting, emailing, and stalking, Richie has finally coerced Gabe into joining his squad. Naturally, he’ll have a great tournament, and Richie will claim he’s a brilliant strategist as a result.

What’s Old: Hicks. This self-proclaimed “alpha male” (who missed last year’s tournament after he was “triggered”) changes BTSH teams more often than he changes his jock, but for some reason, he’s still going to OC with Cecil Harambe. One would think his new lady friend would make him a tad more likeable, but it may have exacerbated his male fragility. (more…)

Drunk Machine
by Schumes & Dummy 

The members of team Drunk Machine recognize that they are all distractingly attractive, and do anticipate that you may wish to purchase them a beverage. Such gestures being a common means of demonstrating one’s admiration. To ensure a positive experience for all parties, we, the undersigned, have provided a handy list of our favorite libations. Cheers.

We are just better than you.

Hilary’s Boyfriend with the good hair – Guinness topped with lawn clippings
Hil-Larry – Aperol hold the Spritz
Dr. double K- Bud Light Lime with cranberry
Nicy “Balls Deep” – Anything you can drink while crying
JoJo – Canadian Club
Shotgun Charlotte – The salty tears of her enemies
Mikey “I Play”-  Pimms groin Cup
Jon C – Beer bottles. The bottles. To chew.
The Big Dicky – Re-hydrated ink from the Declaration of Independence
C Hughes – Rose with 3 ice cubes
J “better get card him twice” McQuade – Kaluha after 5pm
Matty R – 40oz, duct-taped to his left hand
B Hiker – Potato juice (NOT vodka)
Nico – Warm whiskey from a butt flask
Patty Lee – All umbrella drinks
Schumes – Hot maple syrup (more…)

by Richiehero

Ocean City is right around the corner and for the teams with no curfew (every team but the Shortis), it can be a harrowing experience.  So when things are at it’s scariest and you’re shaking in the fetal position crying, revert to these bulletpoints for some guidance.

The Don’ts

• Don’t hook up at OC! Just don’t. If you do, your fling will turn into your significant other and your gf will be posting crappy polls every Friday on Facebook, but at least that’s better than what you’re boyfriend will be doing. Shaving. Live. On Facebook. Multiple times.
• Don’t pee in bushes. God made bathrooms for a reason and whenever you pee in a bush in OC, you get some really bad advice.
• Don’t go in Worky’s “Party Van.” Besides the fact that I’m sure there aren’t enough seatbelts and it has to be a fire hazard, I’m pretty sure 42% of all van goers end up sleeping on a rando’s lawn with Caroline swearing this is Poutine’s house.
• Post a “on the way to Ocean City” trip after 6 p.m. on Friday. Julie will have 54 likes, and 3 angry emoticons and you’ll end up with 5 likes and 2 sads bc anyone who is anyone will already be at Ocean City by then and not by their phone.
• Don’t go to Crabfest with Julie! Sweet, loveable, innocent Julie. Just look at her smile! Well she’s competitive as fuck at Crabfest, and one wrong move and you’ll have that miniature mallet laced across your eye.
• Don’t room with Cro. This doesn’t need an explanation.
• Don’t get a hotel at the Seahawk. Suz murdered a dog, the other vacationers hate us, the owners call the police on us and deservedly so. We’re savages.

• Don’t go “Go-Karting” with Sam Norris. It’s not go-karting it’s high speed bumper cars. Invariably some unsuspecting 35-year-old dad foolishly will bring his 4-year-old daughter into a car on the same track and for three minutes six BTSHers will try to murder each other while not trying all that hard to evade him and his daughter.
• Don’t pee in the water at Seacrets before 1:44 a.m. They will throw you out and you’ll be stuck outside while the rest of the league has fun.

(more…)

By Arya Stark

The Demons and Poutine continued their lets-actually-finish-our-games-tour as the Rosens & Co took the first match in OT.  The second match, not surprisingly, was called off halfway through due to rain.

Fuzz beat the Hookers 4-2 despite the absence of their best player, spiritual leader and possible league MVP, Jeff (did you think I was going to say someone else here?).  The win put this team ahead of 2016’s version who finished first in the league before getting bounced by the Sky Fighters in the quarterfinals.  That team had 14 wins, 84 goals scored and 46 goals against in 17 games, while this one has 15 wins, 81 goals scored and 38 against in the same timeframe.  Two dominant seasons sandwiched around last year’s surprising 11th place finish.  Get well soon Sarah!

WTP beat the Riots 3-1 which, along with a shootout loss for Mega, clinches the division title for the Pucks.  Sam has a two game goal streak while Hogg now has one goal allowed in two starts.  #goaliecontroversy?

LBS Inc beat Filthier 2-1 off a late Chaplin snipe.  The win clinches the division for Poundtown for the first time since at least 2013, if not earlier (league historians pls help).

Cobra Kai took down Gut Rot despite a borderline heroic performance from Ed.  Heather put up her first goal in three years while the dojo inched closer to their first league title possibly ever (league historians, help again).

The Gremlins shut out Karma 2-0 with Rod and Iannis picking up a goal each and Tim hitting 3-4 posts.  Someone was really happy that it’s mathematically impossible for anyone in yellow to have been a minus in this game.

The Biters won 5-4 as the mathletes learned the hard way that it’s probably not a great idea to give Ben a breakaway from half court.  Even notorious math-hater Becca knew that one.

The Rehabs came back from an early deficit to sink the Sky Fighters 7-4 in a game featuring a Holtby-esque save of the year candidate by James on Hicks.  Even with the win, the Rehabs fall to 6th behind the Fresh Kills, although they can retake 5th with a win and either a loss by the Fresh Kills or a loss by Filthier by 4+ goals.  Looks like that season finale against Fuzz will end up being must-watch hockey.

The Rainbows won their third game in a row, beating Mega in a shootout.  The win puts them in position to potentially finish as high as 15th although that would require some serious collapses from the teams in front of them.

Finally, the Fresh Kills won both of their games over the Butchers by scores of 9-3 and 6-4.  An early Gabe hat trick was key in the first match while Roxy played both games without a sub.  The win moves the Fresh Kills all the way up to the #5 seed in my totally unofficial and unverified league standings, which I have added below.  This is not guaranteed to be accurate in any way, but with only one week of game action left until the playoffs, it probably isn’t too far off.

Unofficial Standings (follow at your own risk)
1 – Fuzz (clinched first or second place)
2 – Cobra Kai (game in hand on Fuzz) (clinched first or second place)
3 – LBS (clinched 1st division title and third place)
4 – Filthier (ahead of FK by virtue of head-to-head sweep)
5 – Fresh Kills
6 – Rehabs
7 – Biters
8 – Gremlins (game in hand)
9 – Poutine (two games in hand)
10 – WTP
11 – Karma
12 – Hookers (game in hand)
13 – Mega
14 – Butchers
15 – Demons (game in hand)
16 – Math
17 -Sky Fighters (game in hand)
18 – Gut Rot
19 – Rainbows (game in hand)
20 – Riots