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Fresh Kills at LBS, Inc.
by Hicks

Ah 2008, what a simpler time. A certain Alphamale was still among us, Glanzer had yet to win a championship and become the ‘best’ goalie in BTSH playoff history and the E in Eli didn’t even stand for Emeritus yet. As the league wound down to what would be the first championship ever for Fresh Kills, two heroes wrote what can only be described as the greatest preview of all time:

Gouging Anklebiters (4-16) vs. Happy Little Elves (2-16-1-1)
Location: Corlears North, 1:15 PM
All-Time Series: Gouging Anklebiters lead 1-0
Game Notes: Bad hockey

It’s so good, that I’m going to copy it for this preview.

“Bad Good hockey.”

I know it’s 1pm, you’ll probably be hungover and it’s entirely possible that you’ve left your wallet/dignity at the bar but this one is absolutely going to be worth it. Looking at the standings neither team can really afford to lose. LBS needs the W to keep their 1 point lead over Filthier for the Southeast Division title in tact. Meanwhile, a loss for Fresh Kills coupled with a win by the Butchers (they’re playing the Hookers who probably won’t even show up) will have the Butchers, who all yall wrote off 5 or so games ago, just a single point behind the Kills in the division standings and FK dangerously close to relegation into the Southeast Division (@Glnzr, use your magic to tell us all if this has ever happened).

Prediction: Fresh Kills comes out hot early on a goal scored by Cecil Harambe team member Gabe, but the second half is all Lbs with Roberts and Karsten scoring for los blancos. Scotty K spends the rest of the day screaming at Erich and Probert, hoping it causes them to not score and widen the scoring gap further. Lbs 3, FK 1. (more…)

by Cat

This week, Not Stars were outsourced to Jerome Hornswaggler. I prefer to throw shade sparingly, and with the World Cup over, Jerome has a lot more free time and no outlet for his emotions.

Third Star
Cheeky of the Butchers

This week Cheeky celebrated her retirement from being a professional sports person so I would be remiss in acknowledging the successes and exploits of a fellow non-hugger. Here’s a highlight reel of Cheeky’s best qualities:

STAMINA – The Butchers played Gut Rot on Sunday, and alongside Creamy, Cheeky played defense for the entire game. And on top of that, it was immediately after the World Cup, so I can only assume she was already drunk.

Classic Cheeky.

INTEGRITY – Eagle-eyed and fair, Cheeky is an exemplary referee. Doesn’t miss a thing with a beer in hand. Doesn’t call things in favor of the Rainbows too often so nobody is suspicious of bias.

NURTURING – Running into the corner, I fell ~~all by my damn self~~ into a pile of mud and she tenderly wiped my knee off with a nice smelling wet nap. Also, she loves dogs.

SEXINESS – A boy who couldn’t take a hint showed up uninvited to her own party, because she’s irresistible. Honorable Mention to Morgen, a True Friend and an Advocate for Stoned People at Parties, who told him to GTFO.

Enjoy all the golf outings and book clubs that retirement has to offer, Cheeky! (more…)

Burke played out of net for a change and helped the Butchers defeat Gut Rot.

The Rehabs found their mojo against Mega Touch by spreading the scoring around.

James and the Sky Fighters upset the heavily favored Instant Karma (who looked damn gurl sexy in their new unis) for a well deserved win.

Rainbows with their Yetter fellow lead by a goal at halftime, but Soko and Fresh Kills did what they do and won.

Russ found out that nobody fucks with the Coco, but Paul’s goal was enough for the evil dojo to get the W against the Biters.

LBS came out swinging with that Big Dick Energy and dominated the Pucks. Then proceeded to celebrate by leaving a massive mess behind at the courts. (come on, man)

Filthier pulled a Glanzer and scored an own goal, but still managed to beat the Riots.

The Demons had no weather fears and took out a depleted Math team.

The Hookers went to OT and told Walker and the Gremlins to “get out” (great horror movie, btw).

Poutine’s goalie stood on his head and got the W in a shootout against Fuzz. Viva la poo!

Gouging Anklebiters at Cobra Kai, 3:30 pm
by A Young Padawan and their Jedi Master

So, since we’re not for traditional hockey game write-ups, we contemplated what would happen if you placed Kai and the Biters in a horror film.

Will Green’s evil cousin, Gill Ween, has begun a killing rampage and he will stop at nothing to slaughter all the members of (for some reason) only the Biters and Cobra Kai. How will these two teams fare against an ax-wielding psycho killer on the loose?

I ain’t afraid of no ax.

Russ tries to subdue the killer with jokes…and is immediately murdered. Russ may know about killing onstage, but he clearly does not know anything about actual killing. Probert leads the killer to Royale, hoping that some spirits will lift his spirits, and quench his thirst….for blood. It doesn’t. Probert and all the other random patrons in Royale are killed. (Ella happened to be off that day, and remains safe. Phew.) Craig shows the killer his Kentucky wristwatch in an attempt to distract him while Liam hits him over the head with a lead pipe. Neither Craig’s pipe nor Liam’s pipe do the trick, and they both perish. Marko explains to the killer that she is a new mom, hoping he will be sympathetic. This doesn’t work and she…..(nope, we can’t bring ourselves to kill Marko. She escapes, back to Brooklyn with the fam). JJ is a rocker, not a fighter, he attempts to deter the killer with music…but ends up getting stabbed with his own drumsticks. Chuck blasts his rocket snapshot at the killer. It hits him square in the balls. He drops like a sack of potatoes. However, he is quickly up, and suffocates Chuck with the very Mylec he shot at him. All 8 Rachels on Cobra Kai attempt to blitz the killer. Unfortunately Joe P., limping from his latest injury, accidentally falls in front of them and trips them all up, causing himself and The Rachels to die. Things are not going well for these two teams… (more…)

by Hornswoggle

Let’s talk about what’s happening on Sunday. Yes… there will be hockey games on (pending heat fears/rain fears/Cro’s whining). But there is a sporting event whose result could have greater impact on the international stage and fortunately, since the vast majority of us at BTSH are over 21, we get to witness the unraveling at a local bar, or our friends’ cribs with a decent spread of food and booze. That event, comrades, is the World Cup final.

Four years ago, over one billion viewers (that’s nearly one-sixth of the total population!!!) saw Germany’s Philipp Lahm hoist the 5-kilogram Jules Rimet trophy, just minutes after a Mario Götze half-volley sailed past Argentina’s Sergio Romero in extra time. Honestly, we could’ve seen one of the world’s greatest—though not the GOAT, I think—Lionel Messi on that podium that year. And unfortunately, neither he nor his greatest rival, Cristiano Ronaldo, get that very chance this time, both teams having been eliminated relatively early in the tournament.

This year has a somewhat different twist; France, who lost (in their own country!!!) to Cristiano and the Portuguese two years ago in the European Championships, have returned with a vengeance, adding a specific phenom named Kylian Mbappé to their starting XI. Breaking hearts left and right with relatively close shaves between Argentina and Belgium nonetheless proved that they’ve got both the gall and the firepower to see the tournament through. (And also I placed bets for them to win… because betting in New Jersey is legal now.) (more…)