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Corlears Hookers at Mathematcis
by Hicks

Generally at this point in the year, you can begin to evaluate teams and figure out who the contenders/pretenders are in the race for the PBR Cup. However, the Hookers are not one of those teams. Not only have they played only 8 games (seriously, only my dog is more frightened of water than them), they seemingly throw out a new roster each week. I guess they finally realized that Hogg meant it when he said “Cro, stop calling me, I’m not joining the Hookers” and have begun to host weekly tryouts. The only aspects of the Hookers roster that are consistent week over week are an eLEEt locker room glue guy, Cro acting as league weather boy/boy who cried weather fears, and Danilo and their women putting the team on their backs.

Help us, Emeritus. You are our only hope.

Meanwhile in the land of PEDMAS, it appears the dreaded Math summer vacation is upon us. I’ve been informed that there will be no Norri in attendance this week. You know what they say about that: no norri, no bueno. Math fans are dying to know will John be there? What about Langer or Amy? Before you write everyone’s favorite subject off though, keep in mind that this is a team that has made a name for itself over the past few seasons by winning games they weren’t supposed to win (anyone remember the playoffs against Cobra Kai last year?). I even remember a Fuzz vs. Math game from 2016 where the Mathletes were without Sam and they still beat everyones favorite poachers team. They’ll most likely need Perras to score another (sort of) hat trick in this game, but if that happens, I’ll give this team a puncher’s chance (especially if Eli goes full goon and punches someone. He’s emeritus, he can do that).

Prediction: Cro spends all of the first half cherry picking, not for goals, but because it’s the side with shade. Second half comes around and he switches to defense because weather is scary. Meanwhile despite effectively playing 4 on 5 for portions of the game, the Hookers onslaught is too much for a shorthanded Mathnasty leading to an outcome similar to the first time these two teams met. 6-2 Hookers. (more…)

Fresh Kills at Filthier
by Chairwoman Rachel

Speaking as someone who his the (dis) pleasure of playing these both of these teams twice a year: Yes, they are that a good. It’s infuriating, they run circles around you and then are super nice about it, so you can’t even be that mad. JJ will take the ball from you and apologize with his extreme Canadian accent “sore-ry, Rachel,” Soko might say “npocth,” but probably not. I think Sheena is the face in that relationship. Obviously you’ll see an amazing display of talent, but also a shining example of how games should be played in BTSH. These teams exemplify the golden rule. They show us that apparently, you can be good at hockey without being a dick. Except Tim K, man that guy is a dick. Good think they keep him between the pipes, amirite? Yoshi can’t save you now, Tim.

OK, now onto the actual game prediction: Last time these two teams faced off, Filthier edged out the Kills by one lil’ goal. However, it looks like the Kills are getting their championship vibe back with Tom’s triumphant return, Soko actually scoring goals, and the trust-worthy ever present sub Jeff. On the other hand, Filthy does not look to be bemoaning the loss of Suvin or Dennis. Seems their departure just clearing the way for Sunny to shine. Maybe this will be the week for Danielle to pot one against Patrick “Girls don’t score on me” B?

These two teams have both won championships in the last few years, and although the Kills have lost a few this season, I think they’ll start picking it up as we’ve passed the half-way point of the season. I think they will split the series, 2-1 Fresh Kills. (more…)

Grab your sticks, get some sunblock protection and spread on your cool-whip bikinis.  It’s time to go to Ocean City!

by Ball Hogg

Are you here for the bride or the groom? Hockey or Beach? Why not both!

On the weekend of August 25^th and 26^th, Hockey & Beach will be joined in the most unholy of a debaucherous and dramatic matrimony as BTSH takes on Ocean City, Maryland. O-C-M-D!!!!

Whether Gut Rot is on the beach or dominating Two Girls One Cup – they keep it turned up.

The weekend is filled with hockey during the day of Saturday and Sunday with ample beach time for Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. Or even earlier in the week if you’re a little freaky and want to blow 40 hours of hard earned vacation time. (Spoiler alert: it’s worth it.)

For two days of hockey on one of the best sport courts in the country, the tournament comes in at a cool $65 unless you want to be the last line of defense, at a discounted rate of $30 for tendies. Hockey Beach Registrants need-only to find a way down and a lodging of their own, we take care of the rest, hosting Friday and Saturday night functions for all players. Visit the accommodations page on our site linked below for further information on promotional rates the tournament organizers have secured.

Regardless if you’re a Ball Hogg or a Team Player, sign up as a Free Agent or on a Short selection of Ringers before registration closes – spots are going fast!

Visit hockeybeach.org to find your wedding invitation enclosed and RSVP before it’s too late! (more…)

America’s Game of the Week: Rehabs @ Fuzz
Sunday July 1, 2018 3:30 PM
Thompkins Square Park West Court, New York, NY

Originally published in the Rogue Media, January 12, 2018

This has been by far the most challenging few weeks in my professional life. I understood cognitively that I was facing a crossroads in my evolution as a player and as a man, and that it came with exceptionally difficult choices. What I didn’t truly understand, however, was the range of emotions I would feel during this process.

The primary mandate I had for myself in making this decision was to have it based on the potential for my growth as a player — as that has always steered me in the right direction. But I am also at a point in my life where it is of equal importance to find an opportunity that encourages my evolution as a man: moving out of my comfort zone to a new city and community which offers the greatest potential for my contribution and personal growth. With this in mind, I have decided that I am going to join the Golden State Warriors Rehabs.

I’m from Washington, D.C. Detroit originally, but Oklahoma City Fuzz Nation truly raised me. It taught me so much about family as well as what it means to be a man. There are no words to express what the organization and the community mean to me, and what they will represent in my life and in my heart forever. The memories and friendships are something that go far beyond the game. Those invaluable relationships are what made this deliberation so challenging.

It really pains me to know that I will disappoint so many people Rich Glnzr with this choice, but I believe I am doing what I feel is the right thing at this point in my life and my playing career.

I will miss Oklahoma City Fuzz Nation, and the role I have had in building this remarkable team. I will forever cherish the relationships within the organization — the friends and teammates that I went to war with on the court messed up blacktop surface for nine two years, and all the fans and people of the community. They have always had my back unconditionally, and I cannot be more grateful for what they have meant to my family and to me.

June 26, 2018 Edit:

I’ve never picked against the team I’m on, won’t start now. Rehabs 4, Fuzz 2. Glanczar gets one of his own participation trophies. (more…)

Dark Rainbows (1-7-0-1*) at Instant Karma (4-5-1), Tompkins East, 1:00pm
(*up to Week 9; no stats on Week 10 yet)
by Hornswoggle

Now’s an opportune time for Chadtrick’s plus-minus rating to improve, as well as the state of his own squad, which has now a 5-game losing streak, beginning with being shut out by the Anklebiters in W6. But wait—the Rainbows look at their streak and said, “Hold my beer” and currently have six losses in a row (note: Greenie’s shutout against the Riots was a Week 3 game that was postponed, soz for the objectivity). So both sides have nothing to lose and everything to gain from this match, namely because they can play loosely and not feel like there’s a winning style, especially because they’re searching for it! Let’s take a look at the different corners.

Perhaps the new threads haven’t been working out so far for Karma, and it seems that seasoned veteran and media manager Isaac pinpointed the issue to scoring production. That might be true, but prior to last week’s concession to Poutine, Karma had four players with three goals compared to Poutine’s one; coming into this week, this still stands. Is scoring production important? Clearly, yes. Tied for fourth worst in this category might not cut it when the postseason arrives in early September (I’m surprised as all the BTSH traditionalists are with this schedule change), but it’s not the critical area, as I think it’s defense. Bill and Nicole have been colossal for that back line, and both have abilities to quarterback offensive campaigns. Shuffling random passes up the court in the hopes of reaching the Vernoia siblings, Matt, or Derek will only go so far; Karma will need Norris-like—not the Math kind!—defensemen willing to brave the 50 minutes and traverse past the half-court line, chance-creating. And if I had one piece of advice, it would be to Steve: believe in yourself, buddy! It’s your first year with us, you’ve had a rough schedule, and the weather isn’t getting any better, but take water breaks in the devastating heat for yourself and your comrades, communicate with the people in front of you, and don’t stress against the stuff that goes past you—keep getting those experience points!

Okay, so now we’re onto the Rainbows. After what they’ve been through for the past year, they’ve finally achieved euphoria with a long-eluding W. And despite falling to the Riots last Sunday in, I speculate, an excruciating match separated by one goal, team chemistry has never seemed higher than what it is now. This is a major element in winning, and even though it looks more evident in teams like LBS, Inc. or Cobra Kai, you’ll look at it in a team like the Rainbows and hoping they’ll be able to translate the camaraderie into convincing Ws. There are three players who can be pivotal to victory—I mean other than “league sweetheart” and article contributor Cat, of course—and they are Bryan (3 goals), Jess, and Eric T. Bryan is a player who doesn’t have a hard time finding open space, and his teammates should make spotting his movement a priority if they want more net-positive opportunities; Jess’ work ethic is quite high and accordingly can be the perfect fulcrum for making north-south transitions; Eric T. has a cannon for a shot, and if given the space, can produce Howitzer-esque, quality attempts from long range (I saw one of his half-court efforts sail past Dave GDR last Sunday). It’s one thing that the Rainbows’ kits are bright, but if y’all put your trust in these three, you could be seeing even brighter futures down the line.

Prediction: A source (from one of these two sides, but I’m withholding the identity) told me of a palpable fear of losing to this week’s opponent. Is it logical? Personally, it’s something I don’t believe in, particularly if you’re giving your all for your team. Contributions don’t have to come with goals or assists, just remember that. But due to lack of scoring prowess between these two lineups, I’ll hazard a guess on a post-regulation victory for Chadtrick’s crew, based on what’s already on paper. (more…)