Archive for the ‘Weekly Previews’ Category
Week 7 – Game Previews, Part 1
Thursday, May 16th, 2013
GAME OF THE WEEK
Mathematics at Happy Little Elves
3:00 pm, Tompkins Square East
Editor’s Note: Did you really think Rich and Eli wouldn’t have something to say about this game?
Game Preview 1: The Elves Perspective
by Rich Glanzer
So as everyone in the BTSH Universe knows my birthday is May 23, and every year I celebrate my bday with my real family, the Happy Little Elves the Sundayclosest to the day. This is a big day for my opponents as every captain wants to be the team that can make legendary status and beat the Elves on my bday game. Last year Derk & Elly decided the Lbs. were worthy, and we crushed them and ruined their season when we beat them 6-1. They were basically useless after that game and no one remembers what they did after. (Cue the emails from Ken/Sasha)
Elves 5 Math 2. I prove why I’m a hero and score my first goal of the season.
Game Preview 2: The Math Perspective
by Eli “Belts” Kazin
The Happy Little Elves are looking good with a 5-1 record, but this week, the Elves face a stiff test as the Mathematics come calling. The Elves and Mathematics have built an underrated, but generally fun, rivalry over the years. Remember how Rich constantly mentions the Elves winning their first game ever (the real Miracle at Moffo, if you ask me) against the Tuques back in 2008? Well, do you know who dealt the Elves their first loss ever? That’s right, the Mathematics. And what a loss it was. Math thumped the Elves by a 6-1 score, and the Elves did not win a game again until Week 4 of the 2009 season. Of course, Rich did score the Elves lone goal of that game, which should be noted in order to prevent Rich from constantly reminding us. In recent years, matchups between these teams have focused on championship belts. The Elves won the initial belt versus belt battle, but Math won back the belts in 2012, with Bradley Schmidt scoring the shootout winner, which he is always quick to point out.
So what is in store for this matchup? Well, expect someone on Math to hit Ben Chadwick with one of the belts when the refs aren’t looking, allowing Math to gain a personnel advantage. Expect multiple members of the Norris and Valdez families on the court at the same time. Expect a lot of goals, because both teams are very adept at putting the ball in the back of the net. And expect Math to win, 5-3, because nothing would be a better birthday gift for Math’s biggest fan, Rich Glanzer, than a solid win.
Rich’s video reply to Eli’s writeup
Editor’s Note: We don’t think any other writeups could follow this amount of self-indulgent pump-priming. So we’re giving you a break gentle readers.
Look for part 2 of our weekly previews later on this afternoon and Part 3 tomorrow morning. For now, just sit back and enjoy the craziness (assuming you’re on one of the eighteen teams that aren’t Math or Elves).
Week 6 – Game Previews, Part 2
Friday, May 3rd, 2013
GAME OF THE WEEK
Fresh Kills at Denim Demons
Tompkins Square West, 1:00 PM
Kills have been lighting it up lately and it would be easy to focus on the prodigious scoring talent of Ariel Imas, the blinding speed of Scott Lee and the staggering Russianness of Dave Sokol. But that’s not how Fresh Kills is rolling the rest of the league. It’s all about the defense. Goalie Patrick Barch’s GAA is sitting at an even 1.0 after 5 games. He’s a top quality netkeeper but that also says a lot about the solid “D” that’s playing in front of him.
They’ll need that strong defense against a Demons squad that posts some of the most dangerous scorers in the league. Zack, Jeff, Mike and co. were shut down pretty effectively by the Purple People Eaters last week but it may be expecting too much for the Kills to keep that lightning bottled up two weeks in a row. Ultimately, the key factor in this matchup may be Demons Captain Adam Rubens. He has the tools and the talent to employ several different strategies. If he decides to play shutdown hockey, we expect the Kills to have a slight edge. But if he opts for run and gun offense, it’s anyone’s game.
One thing’s for sure. Both goalies will see more shots than Ellery after a Capitols victory.
The ORG predicts a 4-4 tie and some entertaining hockey to start off Week 6. Booya!
Corlears Hookers at LBS.
Tompkins Square West, 2:00 PM
By Eli “Data” Kazin
Who are these Corlears Hookers? Fan favorite Brendan “Dutch” Kearney lives in the Dominican Republic. Team veterans Jason Eitel and Josh Sadlier-Brown have not been showing up, while longtime alternate Danilo Biagioni has. Newcomers John Wolff, Sam Marton, and Daniello Martin have been lighting up the scoreboard. Who is Daniello Martin you ask? We’re not really sure if he or she is in fact real, or some magical combination of Danilo and Sam, or just a typo synonymous with Rich Glanzer. But, despite all this turnover, the results have been the same as past seasons. The Hookers have four wins to just one overtime loss, and sit near the top of the standings.
Tompkins Square Riots at Cobra Kai
Tompkins Square East, 3:00 pm
The good news? After this match one of these teams will no longer be winless. Unless it ends in a tie, of course. Stranger things have happened. I once saw TSR defensive stalwart Scott Townsend kill another man in an underground fight club in Laval. That man was actually named Rem Garavito. Afterwards, a blonde kid stole his wallet. He now plays for Cobra Kai. True story.
Happy Little Elves at What the Puck
Tompkins Square East, 4:30 PM
So some of you (and by “some of you” I mean the entire Elves team) may have noticed we’re having a problem with the standings on the site. If things were working properly you would see the Elves at the top of the standings, the only team not to lose or tie a game this season. It’s a remarkable run and has led some to wonder if the Elves can be beat this year. The answer, of course, is yes. And because we love WTP (especially their farm team) we’re going to tell everyone how to do it.
1) Cover anyone named Valdez. BTW it’s a little known fact that the Spanish word for “Beauclair” is also Valdez. If you can shut these guys down, the Elves will have to rely on Ben Chadwick for scoring. Ben scores one goal per year and he usually waits until the fall to do it. So you should be okay.
2) Win in regulation time. The Elves are masters of the shootout (the most evil invention of our time). Don’t give them the opportunity.
3) WTP is tall. Jenna Cruff is not. Make sure that Mike Woodsworth stands in front of her, whenever she’s playing “D”. You can’t stop what you can’t see.
It really is that simple. Now go make it happen WTP.
Prediction: WTP 3 Elves 2 (unless it goes to a shootout)
La Famiglia at Gouging Anklebiters
Tompkins Square West, 5:30 pm
by Bill “Torn Between Two Lovers” Tucker
“Meet the old beat, same as the new beat”
There’s been a ton of stories in this young BTSH season. The Norris Invasion. JenniGlanzer. Some guy named Oliver who plays for the Skyfighters. Lost in the hoopla has been the steady play of La Famiglia, who has gone 3 – 2 in the opening five. While my egotistical side may attribute this zen-like calm to not being previewed each week by drunken madman, BTSH statisticians will point to the dynamic duo of Shafiq “Off Black” Perry and Dennis “Kid Dynamite” Miciletto. With the street hockey equivalent of Jules Winnfield and Vincent Vega providing the offense and team stalwart Tim Kayiatos between the pipes, look for the former Tuques to continue sneaking up in the standings.
The being said, the Yellow and Red face their toughest challenge yet in my new beat, the Gouging Anklebiters. Phil “Have Another High Life” Donahue has himself a team that does everything well. Timely scoring? Check. Stiffling defense? Double Check. A fun living goaltender who bares a passing resemblance to Geoffrey Rush from Pirates of the Carribean. Maybe if you squint a bit. Or a lot. After a nail biting defeat at the hands of the best team in the league thus far, the ‘Biters are hungry for a return to their winning ways. It’s new beat against old beat and this journalist is so excited, he’s getting nauseous. Either that, or I’ve been hanging with Dr. Tompkins a bit too much.
Dr. Hunter S. Tompkins’ Official Prediction: For the first time since the birth of our flimsy journalistic alliance, Tucker and I toasted our writing relationship over bohemian style brews and playoff hockey. Methinks Bill is still toasted. Despite fond memories of making Famiglia predictions under the influence, nostalgia cannot be allowed to rule the day. Mark it 4 -2 in favor of the Anklebiters.
Week 6 – Game Previews, Part 1
Thursday, May 2nd, 2013
Mathematics at Butchers,
1:00 pm, Tompkins Square East
Hey Rangers fans. Remember in ’94 how everybody was so excited about Messier, Leetch, and that young phenom Alexi Kovalev. Did any of them score 52 goals that year? The answer is no. But Adam Graves did. What’s the lesson here? Don’t ignore guys named Adam.
While the press has been all over the Norris family, hall of famer Andy Pratt and Eli “MVP” Kazin, Adam Langer has been quietly putting in goal after goal for the Greyshirts. Probably time for other teams’ defensemen to make note of that. I’m talking to you Ashley. I know BTSH is a non-contact league but that doesn’t mean you can’t find a creative way to shut him down.
Meanwhile, the rest of the Butchers will be recovering from last week’s metaphorical and literal hangover. Look for co-Captain Rachel Greene to tap into Georgine Paulin’s inside knowledge to find some cracks in the Math offensive juggernaut. We suspect the answer may be targeting the flowing locks of the Math squad. If anyone has noticed Zach or Andy’s hair length lately, they’ll know that it takes a fair amount of product for those guys to even see the ball. A little humidity, a little static electricity, and it could all go the Butchers way. As Creamy is fond of saying “Beards don’t frizz.” It’s an expression full of truth but we still don’t think it will catch on as the new Butchers cheer.
We see Math winning this one in a shootout, 4-3. But (sadly) Eli’s point streak ends here.
Rehabs at Gremlins
2:00 pm, Tompkins Square East
We know what you’re expecting. These two teams have storied histories … blah, blah, blah. Gremlins shouldn’t get wet after midnight … blah, blah, blah. Rehabs miss Kehoe and Meredith … blah, blah, blah.
Want to know why you should really watch this game? Because it features the two whitest players in the league (who aren’t me or a member of LBS), John Walker and Bryan Welch. And it’s going to be very sunny on Sunday. If you position yourself right, you should be able to see these two literally cook on the Tompkins Square ashphalt. Several pools are already running as to who will turn redder. And there’s a lot of side action on whether the cage that John wears will give him grill patterned sunburn across most of his face.
Which player will crack first? Eagerly awaiting the answer is Julie “Team Mom” Katz who will be standing at the ready with 45 SPF sunscreen and aloe, that she’s willing to trade for a second-line scorer. I forget, Showtime. Have you played for MegaTouch already?
Filthy Gorgeous at Skyfighters
3:00 pm, Tompkins Square West
by Rich “Just the Facts” Glanzer
Well this is awkward.
Dark Rainbows at Mega Touch
4:30 pm, Tompkins Square East
In the old days, this would have been a chill fest. We’d be writing about how laid back both teams are and how they would play this game with a spirit of friendship and love. These days, not so much.
As Rainbows Captain Sean Reynolds announced on his team page, he’s putting the “Dark” in Dark Rainbows this year. One suspects the influence of Abby “Do I look like I’m kidding?” Meisterman who has started harnessing the dark rituals she learned during her time with the Demons to build up the Pink Puck Pushers. It’s a good thing there isn’t a Fairytale Cup this year. Because the Rainbows would be handing out some poison apples.
Only, goalie Ariel “I Can’t Stop Smiling” Kipnis and Mike “the Dude” Dudelovitch seem immune to this corrupting influence (Although to be fair to Abby, it didn’t take much to push John Nielsen and Brice Rosenbloom to the dark side).
Playing the light to the Rainbows dark are Mega Touch, who have retained their almost childlike innocence while putting up some impressive performances. Lost in the furor over Math’s offensive performance last week was the fact that the Uber Feelers managed to put four goals past the man mountain that is Will Galaghan. That’s impressive.
But it will take the wolf among the sheep, Eric Devlin, to shutdown this Rainbows squad. If Devlin brings the hate (i.e. if the Leafs beat the Bruins on Saturday) expect this one to go either way. But if the better angels of Eric’s nature win out expect the DRs to crush the Super Caressers like Sauron crushed the Elvin army at … (damn I’m no good at this LORD OF THE RINGS stuff. Should have given this writeup to Abby or Liza Watts).
Gut Rot at Poutine Machine
5:30 pm, Tompkins Square East
by Abby “Raise Your Glass” Meisterman
Everything you need to know about this game lies in its date: May 5. Oh, and that Gut Rot is one of the, if not THE, funnest teams to drink with.* Seriously, Mike Smith and Heather Aspergen brew their own beer in their apartment. Jeff Dworkin plays with a whiskey in his hand — a whiskey that goalie Bill Tucker poured him from his curated collection. Diane Johnson, Mary Pratt, and Annika Sweetland do fine on their own, but they have to pick up the slack for Tommy “I’m training for the marathon (again)” Cho. And that’s not including Ellery. So it’s likely that Peaches will have some courtside margaritas on-hand to celebrate The Day of the Battle of Puebla. And thus entirely likely that Gut Rot will be drunk for their game.
This is welcome news for Poutine Machine who finished 3rd last season and are currently finding themselves struggling in 19th place. Though they have such fire-power as Jo-Ann Provencher (who scored last week), Marcus Bonnee (who scored last year), and Kevin MacDonald, two of the Machine’s three goals have been from sometimes goalie Ashish Nagpal and newcomer Farouk Talakshi.** Is running the league blog distracting captain Patrick Larsen from his captaining duties?*** Is running the league distracting goalie Tim Brown? Either Poutine Machine needs to get its collective asses up to Montreal for some intensive hockey training or down to Jamaica to get their groove back.
Things to expect: Gut Rot token Canadian Tom to score.
Things to hope for: Jo-Ann to yell obscenities regarding Tom’s goal… in French.
* Gut Rot used to be Mexican Standoff, so this game is very special to the old-timers.
** I think Farouk is a newcomer as this is his first mention on the blog.
*** Running the blog read: dealing with Glanzer.
Week 5-Game Previews, Part 2
Thursday, April 25th, 2013
GAME OF THE WEEK
Fresh Kills at Gouging Anklebiters
4:30 pm, East Court
by Anklebiters Beat Reporter Bill “Smooth” Tucker
Want the secret to firing up a team’s top scorer? Give him bad press.
If last week’s two goal performance against Filthy Gorgeous is any indication, a minor callout to Joe P’s lack of production is like poking a jungle cat with the business end of a cattle prod. The Biter’s sniper was masterful in leading his squad to a 4-1 victory over the short benched Dirty Pretties. Lesson learned, dear reader. Lesson learned. In fact, to help my newfound beat to victory this week, I’ll offer the following taunts: Shelly Maasdrop is a Gut Rot leaving carpetbagger, Peter Prohaska is a poopy-headed scalawag and the track suit Zach sported last week did nothing for his signature ‘stache . Look for those three players to have banner performances in Week 5.
Sadly, that may not be enough against a Fresh Kills team so laid back, sticks and stones barely hurt them. The So Fresh And So Kill, Kills have coasted through the first quarter of the season with a sparkling 4 -0 record and an astounding 15 to 3 goal differential. Crazy thing is, they don’t even seem to be trying. Nick Hobbs has one foot out of the country, Patrick Barch has been seen snoozing in his goal crease and even captain Dave Sokol seems more interested in Ace Bar trivia than the fortunes of the Murderous Febreezes. Luckily for Dave, when you have Ariel Imas putting up hat tricks like Gretzky in his heyday, the rest of the team can take a powder. Fans who stick around for this 4:30 matchup will not need their smelling salts. This is going to be a good one.
Dr. Hunter S. Tompkins Official Prediction: The world works in mysterious ways. One minute, you’re on the M15 heading uptown, the next you’re in a Nebraskan cattle field fleeing for your life from a rabid wolverine. What exactly were those mushrooms and why is the world spinning like Ally Sheedy and that damn robot from Short Circuit. But I must prevail in the pure spirit of Gonzo journalism. Biters with the win by a score of 15 to -2. Give or take a field goal.
Skyfighters at Happy Little Elves
1:00 pm, West Court
The Elves are on a four game winning streak and sit happily in the #2 spot in the rankings. Only the juggernaut that is Fresh Kills has posted a better record than Team Green. It’s an impressive enough start that some on the team are talking championship (And wouldn’t that be something? An Elves championship?Who can remember the last time they even came close? Or even won an imaginary trophy. Rich, help me out here.). Yes the Elves are indeed happy. But like all fairytales (or Fairytale Cups) it must come to an end. And the Skyfighters are just the team to do it.
While the Cloud Punchers have had a fairly easy early schedule, they’ve also hung in for some gritty wins. In fact, they’re also showing the kind of form that won them a BTSH championship a while back. And it’s not just the Czech/Slovak national team any more. Yehuda and Olivier are a potent offensive pair and team Captain Dan Hopper is providing a Ryan Callahan-like mix of agitation, scoring and leadership.
In the end this may come down to the one on one battles. And with Martin manning the blueline for the Celestial Grapplers don’t expect Gil to be putting up three points this week.
Our prediction: Skyfighters 3, Happy Little Elves 2 (OT).
Our other prediction: The loss will break apart the fragile Elves locker room, leading to Trevor Beauclair being appointed Captain, Jenna Cruff joining the Butchers, Ben Chadwick defecting to Poutine Machine and Rich Glanzer taking an internship at Vogue.
La Famiglia at Poutine Machine
2:00 pm, West Court
by Abby “Qu’est-ce qu’un deadline?” Meisterman
Abby ambitiously chose to write this preview in both Italian and Canadian French. She was last spotted boarding an Air Canada flight to Montreal with Rem Garavito and JoAnn Provencher. After the ORG told her we would not be reimbursing her for this “research” she stopped responding to our e-mails.
Dark Rainbows at Rehabs
3:00 pm, East Court
If BTSH had an “Original Six”, these two teams would be in it. And while they may not be quite the powerhouses they were in years past, both sides can still bring it. But do they really want to? How many times have Bryan Welch and John Nielsen battled each other. How many times has Sean Reynolds called Jon Feldman an asshole? They need something to bring a little fire to this matchup. And it’s name is $howt!me.
That’s right. Hector “I’ve Sent You a Friend Request” Melendez is a Rehab once again. But before that he was a Rainbow (and a Unicorn and …). And if you’re part of the DR collective you’ve got to feel bad that you were his rebound team. He said he was over the Rehabs. He said he was tired of the constant mockery and people misspelling his name (it’s Showtime with a dollar sign, dammit!). Was that all just lies? was he really still in love with the Black and Red all that time. Did he long to be told “Rehabs Suck” one more time?
Apparently yes.
Act accordingly, Dark Rainbows. But please don’t let Alex Zabala score just to make Hector jealous. You’re better than that.
Corlears Hooker at Denim Demons
5:30 pm, East Court
For many in the league, this is the street hockey equivalent of one of those ALIENS VS. PREDATOR movies. You can’t really cheer for either protagonist, you just want to see some cool violence and kill a couple of hours. Shame on you for thinking that league.
This could very easily have been our game of the week. Both teams are stunningly deep benched (Hookers could have Eitel, Kearney and Sarah on the second line!) but the real story here is a showdown between two of the league’s best players. We’ve written at length about the scoring touch that Jeff Kamen has found this season but somehow the Hookers’ Tiffany is still flying under the radar (despite a couple of seasons in the league and a knack for scoring clutch goals). Both teams defense will have their work cut out for them.
This one could be a barnburner, folks. Go to ACE but come back and watch what could be one of the best BTSH games of the year.
Week 5 – Game Previews, Part 1
Wednesday, April 24th, 2013
LBS at What the Puck
1:00 pm, East Court
by Eli “Give Me Five Bees for a Quarter” Kazin
Back when Derek and I ran the website, a time Dave Ladanyi refers to as the Golden Age of BTSH editorial content, we assigned a watchability rating to each game.
If you aren’t familiar with the watchability rating, or don’t recall it all that well, just go ask Eric Devlin about it. He was probably the biggest fan of this system that the BTSH universe was overwhelmingly clamoring for, which ranked games on a scale of 1 (not watchable at all) to 5 (can’t miss). If the watchability scale was still used, this game would get a rating of 5 Limonics, Wachtells, Capotostas, Vrooms, Starks, Malguarneras, or the pluralized last name of any other player we might want to give a token mention. Of course, that player’s last name couldn’t end in an “S”, as that made pluralization quite difficult. Sometimes, we’d even throw in the pluralized version of a nickname, like Mad Dogs or Alpha Males, as a minor deviation from the norm. Man, I’m getting nostalgic for the old watchability scale.
But back to the point…this game is going to be good. I’m giving it to the defending champs in a taut defensive battle.
LBS, Inc. 2, What The Puck 1.
Cobra Kai at Filthy Gorgeous
2:00 pm, East Court
by Rich “Brad Paisley” Glanzer
Butchers at Gut Rot
3:00 pm, West Court
In their first year the Butchers were seen as “Gut RotGetting Serious”. They’d still represent at the bar but they were all business on the court and even somewhat douchey. The recruitment of agitators like Arnold and Georgine only served to cement that reputation. But fast forward a couple of years and the Butchers have grown to resemble their progenitors. Double B, Creamy and Co. seem more concerned about perfecting their ZZ Top tribute band than putting up “W”s these days. Meanwhile, inspired by not finishing last in the league in 2012, a fired up Gut Rot squad has been playing hard, kicking ass and taking names. Tommy is a scoring force, Worky is sporting a Mark Messier half-tough/half-crazy glare at the start of every game and even Mary is throwing gang signs on the sidelines.
BTSH experts predict it’s only a matter of time before these two teams merge to form a street hockey behemoth that’s part Jimmy Buffett/part Matt Cooke. In the meantime, look for a close match here. The deciding factor will probably be the previous day’s Charity Tournament. If Rachel Green holds true to form and uses multiple rounds of shots to assist with her fundraising efforts, GR may just have an edge here.
Tompkins Square Riots at Gremlins
4:30 pm, West Court
As last week’s writeup showed, the Gremlins are still an unknown force to many in the league. But the veteran core of Ryan, Mark, Caitlin, and Iannis makes them competitive every game. Meanwhile, the Riots have solved the attendance problems that have plagued them in year’s past and are giving teams like the Hookers a run for their money. With Blohme, Frenette and new addition Laura providing some spark on offense, expect TSR to be receiving a lot more press as the season continues.
We’re big fans of Luke’s Leathernecks but we have to give the edge on this one to Amy’s Army.
Riots 3, Gremlins 2.
PS: Somebody watch this game!!
Mathematics at Mega Touch
5:30 pm, West Court
by Monica “Moneyball” Russo
