btsh.org

GAME OF THE WEEK
What the Puck at Dark Rainbows
1:00 pm, East Court

We’ve said it before and we’ll say it again, it’s time for universal BTSH daycare. Yes, Donovan and his pal found ways to entertain themselves last week. But what if Sean really needed that stick? Someone would’ve ended up crying and our money would be on the Dark Rainbows Captain. Meanwhile, Hannah spent the bulk of last week’s WTP game making sure her little guy didn’t make it “Too Many Men” for Orange Crush. He definitely wanted in on the action.

What does all this mean for this week’s game? Distractions, lots of distractions. WTP and the Rainbows are actually very similar teams, so it’s all down to doing the little things right. Winning the battles in the corners. Putting just the right spin on the ball. Stealing “Ginger Balls”‘s phone and texting John Nielsen the wrong game time.

It’s a game of inches between these too and no one will be surprised if this one ends in a shoot out. 

Just make sure the OT doesn’t cut into anyone’s nap time, ok refs?

Gouging Anklebiters at Filthy Gorgeous
2:00 pm, East Court
by Bill “It Ain’t easy Being Smooth” Tucker

Felled by the stifling defense of the Gremlins last week, Phil Donahue’s band of fun loving malcontents looks to rebound against the Dirty Beauties.  According to the Prestigious Yet Imaginary Records Department of the ORG, the Anklebiters’ Joe “We Don’t Need No Stinkin’ Last Name” P. has yet to score a goal this season.  If he has, ignore this journalistic insight as hangover induced malarkey.  The one thing I do know is the Anklebiter’s Ace Bar supremacy.  At the post game festivities, expect Craig to say something hilariously offensive, Caroline to draw dirty pictures on trivia score sheets and Courtney “Coco” Butler to smile a lot.  The Anklebiters kinda rock like that.

Before they even get to the bar, they face a determined Filthy Gorgeous team still looking for their first victory.  Lighting the lamp has been an issue for the Valiant V-Necks so far this season.  Despite good team play and the solid goaltending of Dan Owens, 4 goals in 3 games ain’t gonna cut it in a division comprised of the Purple People Eaters, last year’s champs and Romeo’s Raiders.  Luckily, Filthy has a bold plan: clone James Periera, who looks to be getting off the snide.  Hopefully for Filthy, the procedure is more The Clones of Bruce Lee than Verne Troyer if they hope to topple an Anklebiters squad hungry to avenge a loss of their own.

Dr. Hunter S. Tompkins Official Prediction:  Zounds!  My spot on prediction of last week’s Biters / Gremlins game has shaken me to my core.  What combination of mescaline, bleach and Folgers decaffeinated coffee crystals spurred this premonition?  To know the future is to limit your options, so I’ll make a completely blind guess this week.  No offense to Monica and the rest of the Gorgeous crew, 3-0 in favor of the Biters.  

LBS. at Mathematics
3:00 pm, West Court

While we struggle with our own internal conflicts, the defending champs will struggle with figuring out how to get balls past the Mathematics’ 7 foot goalie. Seriously guys, it would take two Seths to make one Will Gahagan. Is that really fair? Not only does the Man Mountain take up a lot of room in net, he’s an effective deterrent against Ken and Karsten’s patented “charge to the net” strategy. LBS will have to rely on secondary scoring from some of their underrated second liners like Ali Chenitz & Jason Bogdaneris. Of course, Math have a few non-Norris weapons up their sleeves as well. Andy Pratt remains an ageless wonder on wing and Brad Schmidt, Adam Langer and “the Lizs”.

In the end, we expect the LBS. age and cunning to edge out Math’s youth and enthusiasm. But it will be close.
Our prediction: LBS 4, Mathematics3 (OT)

Gremlins at Butchers
4:30 pm, West Court
by Abby “Just the Facts” Meistermann

This game finds both teams are fresh off Week 3 wins: the Butchers made mincemeat of the Tompkins Square Riots and the Gremlins gouged the Anklebiters. However, the Gremlins go into this match-up with a -4 goal difference (thanks to Fresh Kills) to the Butchers +1. Gremlins’ goalie, Jamie (Without a roster I’m basing this on the Week 1 box scores.), has his/her (Sorry, still don’t know!) work cut out him/her (Maybe both? That’d be cool.) if Butchers bring the big guns of Revechkis, Greene, McMasters, and Bebeared Ben Bloom . However, Caitlin’s never been one to shy away from a challenge: she’ll be sure to rally Coco (Ed’s note: we’re well aware that Coco has been on the Anklebiters for two years. Apparently no one has told Abby yet), Stripe, and Mark into action. With both teams on the rise and around the same point in the standings, this game should be evenly matched and probably a solid game to watch.

Things to expect: The sequel to this game on July 21, 2013, being hailed as inferior.
Things to hope for: Gremlins being busted for performance enhancing drug use.

Poutine Machine at Happy Little Elves
5:30 pm, West Court
by Eli “It’s Better Than Doing Homework” Kazin

Rehabs at Gut Rot
1:00 pm, West Court
by Monica “I Dreamed a Dream” Russo

Because I’m unwilling to scroll past the first page of the blog, I know only this: last week, both Gut Rot and the Rehabs lost  But we never let the facts get in the way of, and the week before, Gut Rot lost but the Rehabs really fucking gave it to Cobra Kai, shutting them out 5-0. I’m annoyed about this, because I’m jealous. My team and I have yet to get a W, and a person can only take so much losing. But I digress. (Ed’s note: the Rehabs actually tied last week. But as a fellow 0-3 Captain we appreciate Monica’s sentiments)

Fresh Kills at Mega Touch
2:00 pm, East Court

Here’s something that’s always bothered us. Fresh Kills are named after a dump in Staten Island. And no one represents for “the Rock” (don’t get excited Eli-Derek-Rich, it’s not a wrestling reference) more than native son, Adriano Bratta. So why isn’t he playing for the blue and white? seriously, it’s like being French Canadian and not playing for Poutine Machine (whenever you’re ready Gabe). We’re sure the emotional strain of betraying his home borough will weigh heavily on the Chairman Emeritus this week. Which means Julie and Eric will have to find some secondary scoring. Will supplementing the Mike and Ikes Diet we previously mentioned with Sweet Tarts and Razzles have the desired effect? It’s a good thing MT newcomer Larry Black has promised to put the entire team on his dental plan. You’re a mensch, Larry.

Meanwhile, MT are also counting on Larry’s presence to confuse their opponents. With Ariel, Eugene and the Sokol brothers all mistaking this game for a 2BHL scrimmage expect a non-stop stream of stick-checking and slapshot calls to plague the Killers. The only player impervious to this deception will be Natasha. But if Larry can rattle her by telling her that Hugh has got in to Julie’s candy stash it’s all over for the favorites.

Tompkins Square Riots at Corlears Hookers
3:00 pm, East Court
by Rich “Schooled in the Classics” Glanzer

OK…so this has all the makings of a pedestrian Hooker victory. But the thing about the Riots is, they are a pretty fun team to watch. They are BTSH’s version of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Though this season, they’ve been all Hyde. I’m assuming Hyde is the bad one since he goes last and he’s not a Dr. like my main dude Jekyll is. Jekyll seems legit. 

The Camouflage Kids are one of several BTSH teams looking for their first win this week and their defense has been lit up the last couple of games. Things don’t get any easier this week as they face a Sky Fighters squad that has solved their attendance problems and is playing really solid hockey. Our solution? Petition league commissioner to turn this game in to a showcase for “Bootcamp Hockey”. I’m talking barbed wire around the nets, a mud pit in center court and, yes, live ammo. league veterans may think that this sounds like the first season at Corlears Hook but really it could be our version of the now popular “Spartan” runs that are sweeping the nation (and Ant Ventolieri’s Facebook page). I’m assuming that Cobra Kai have all sorts of military training that will give them an advantage here, right? What’s that Gregg? it’s just a fashion choice?

Never mind.

Uh, maybe put an extra guy on Olivier Brassard instead?

GAME OF THE WEEK
What the Puck at Fresh Kills
5:30 pm, East Court

Has anyone checked out that cool new “league History” section of the site? No? Go have a look, I’ll wait.

Oh, you’re back. Did you notice the same thing I did? Not only are these two of the longest running franchises in league history, they’ve also combined for a significant number of league championships over the years. I’m not saying this is a Habs-Leafs rivalry (mainly because WTP have won a championship while Suvin Malik has been alive. Yes! Nailed it.) but it’s always a tight, competitive match when these two sides throw down. They’ve also met up in the playoffs quite a bit over the last couple of years (with the Kills having the edge). So don’t expect Zimm to have to do much to fire up the troops.

If we call this the BTSH “Hall of Fame” Game will at least some of you stick around to watch it? Come on, do it for Cory. Who doesn’t love Cory?

Mega Touch at Happy Little Elves
1:00 pm, West Court

Game of the Week? More like “Game of the Century” At least that’s the way Rich Glanzer has been describing the Elves OT win against the Hookers last week. Word is he’s asking Kurt Russell to shave his head so he can play Richie in the movie version.

But when you fly that close to the sun be careful that your wings don’t melt, Elfin folk. It wouldn’t surprise us if young bucks like Ryan Nakahara and Trevor Beauclair start looking past this game (settle them down Gil). Even Sarah Torenten and Jenna Cruff were overheard talking trash to Courtney Stoutamire in the bar last week. It was like a bizarre cross between The Mighty Ducks and Mean Girls (and we’re not talking about Ben Chadwick’s spec script here).

Time for some veteran leadership to step up and upset the upsetters. Julie Katz has had her whole team on a twizzlers only diet (with the exception of Eric Devlin who’s been chewing nothing but broken glass). She even got Adriano to participate by telling him it was “pasta dolce rosso”. If she can keep the Megas on a sugar high until 2 pm Sunday it may be bad news for the Elves. 

Butchers at Riots
2:00 pm, East Court

The biggest battle here may be over who gets to wear their burgundy shirts. Sorry, Butchers, but as the home team it’s the Riots pick. But not to worry. Ben Bloom has informed the press that the Butchers will be debuting their “7th jersey” during this match. He also mentioned something about going with an “ombre” but we’re not sure if he was referring to the shirts or his own ever-changing facial hair.

While the Butchers focus on fashion, the Riots are focused on regaining the form that they had in their first season in BTSH. All of the tools are there including the talented combo of Patrick Blohme and Alex Frenette aka the most underrated offensive pair in the league. Team Captain Amy Jones has decided to lead by example, vowing to play in at least HALF of the team’s games this year. She’s also issued every Rioter their very own mason jar of “coffee” (or whatever that stuff is she drinks. We’re not saying it will be a factor in the Riots improved performance this year. But Jones should be glad that there’s no PED testing in our league.

BTW-Rose Charities Tournament. Sign up today and Rachel will give you a big hug after her game.

Gut Rot Captain Peaches is employing a new strategy this year, keeping his roster a secret from the press (and apparently the league commissioner as well). So we can only guess that some combination of Tommy, Dave, Mary, Workman and the rest will show up to take on a rock solid Skyfighters squad. But it really doesn’t matter who the Rotters have on their side. The Skyfighters have Guillaume Lechasseur on their roster. And in our books, that makes them winners even before the puck is dropped.

Dark Rainbows at LBS.
4:30 pm, East Court

BTSH’s version of the 1968 Democratic Convention takes place once again. On the one side, the Rainbows, Aquarian champions of peace, love and understanding. On the other side, the LBS, polo shirt wearing, status flaunting conspicuous consumers. One team struggled to survive last year. The other won the league championship.

Picking a winner here should be a no-brainer, right? But nothing is ever simple in life (or BTSH). The Sombre Spectrums shutout La Famiglia last week and are starting to look like the Rainbows team that won the league championship a few years back. We’re not saying Ariel Kipnis is the second coming of Jesus (aka Trevor). But he gives the Rainbows a fighting chance in any game.

For the LBS., it’s still all about the ageless duo of Karsten Pichon and Ken Poulin. At least that’s what they want opposing teams to think. But as a student of the LBS. play over the last couple of years, we can tell you that Sam Anthony has been the perfect setup man for the Karsten and Ken bromance as well as being a rock on defense. As long as these three keep taking their Geritol, LBS. are still a legitimate championship contender.

Dustin may not even wear pads this Sunday.

Derek and Eli love their finals rematches. And the ORG has it on good authority that these two teams once battled for the league championship. Few in BTSH remember this, but the former “press” claim that the Elves actually won that matchup. It seems rather unlikely, but we’ll take their word for it.

After losing Jerome Ramos (the man Ben Chadwick called “locker room poison”) to Poutine Machine, a revitalized Elves managed to shock Filthy Gorgeous last week (think of it as the street hockey version of last night’s Rangers-Penguins game). Meanwhile, the Hookers announced their presence with authority, shutting down a potent WTP offense. 

The ORG are big believers in the old hockey cliche, “Work beats talent when talent doesn’t work.” But the Hookers team we saw last week was playing lunch bucket hockey and grinding in the corners. This team’s got it all – sweet passing, sick goal scoring, purple stuff.

It will take another perfect storm for the Elves to get past the BTSH bridesmaids and get the W. And as much as we like Jenna’s Elfin Elite, we’re predicting clear skies on Sunday.

4-1 Hookers.

LBS, Inc. at Filthy Gorgeous
Tompkins Square East, 1:00 pm
By the rapidly-healing Abby Meisterman

As is tradition, we start each BTSH season with a rematch of the Final. Two weeks ago saw Fresh Kills facing off against 2012’s victors, Lbs. This time, however, Fresh Kills had 3 goals to Lbs’ 1, starting off the season with a solid win. Filthy Gorgeous wasn’t so lucky that first week, either, as they fell for the first time in BTSH history* to the Happy Little Elves, 4-2. That being said, both teams will be looking to redeem themselves this week. The Russo-lead pretties have added some new blood to their roster, but that’s just an infusion to the already strong roster that boasts the skills of Wise, Mehra, Suz, and goalie DanPwens. Once she came down off the high from the championship win (March 24, 2013), Sascha started drilling most of The Corporation in 3-on-2s and Italian-football falls — the rest of the team *cough*BrianBarret*cough* was still celebrating, though.

Things to expect: Partly cloudy skies with a high of 54°F/12°C.

Things to hope for: A double-date between the teams’ power couples: James/Suvin and Ken/Karsten.

* I think I read this on Glanzer’s Facebook. If it’s not true, blame Glanzer.

Tompkins Square Riots at Denim Demons
Tompkins Square West, 1:00 pm

How have we never noticed that every game is a homegame for TSR? I bet if we investigated more closely, we’d find out that “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” is their team song and that sax player is on their roster. Now that we’ve uncovered your secret, could you guys please do something about the bathrooms? Seriously, pools of blood, people. Get on it.

The key to this game is whether the Riots have another color apart from burgundy. If not, it could be a confusing afternoon. But if they can find an alternate jersey they’ll face a Demons squad that is taking no prisoners. It’s like the barricade scenes in Les Miserables all over again. Scrappy young hopefuls going up against ruthless authority (we’ve also heard that Coach and Russell Crowe have the same singing coach).

Our prediction? Empty chairs at empty tables and the Demons second win of the year.

Butchers at Gouging Anklebiters
Tompkins Square East, 2:00 pm
By Bill “I’m Everywhere, Bitches!” Tucker

How’s this for a Week 2 slobber-knocker?  2013 has been business as usual for both the Ankletbiters and the Maroon Misfits.  Both teams recorded shutouts in Week 1, both teams remain largely intact from 2012 and both teams feature names promoting excessive violence.  The difference this week is going to be facial hair.  Clearly in need of increasing their beard quotient, Creamy developed a Clooney-esqe soup saver in the off-season to match Ben Bloom’s signature whiskers.  Will the twosome be able to thwart the epic chins of Craig Lacombe, Zach and captain Phil Donohue?  Come to the court early for this excellent early season match-up.

Dr Hunter S. Tompkins Official Prediction:  Once more onto the brink of madness, my friends.  Summer Sundays of beer, balls and balderdash.  A reason to feel alive when the rest of the world is weary from Saturday night shenanigans.  The jury is out on how many games I’ll be conscious for this year, but this will certainly be one of them.  Pencil in the Biters for a 2-1 shootout victory.

Rehabs at Cobra Kai
Tompkins Square West, 2:00 pm

If BTSH has a heart and soul player, it’s got to be Bryan Welch. When life hands him lemons … he goes out and gets a goalie named Seannac Onwaye. We don’t know who that is either, but we know that Bryan will shepherd the Habs through a rebuilding year and put up some wins in the process.

He has a chance here against Cobra Kai. But only because the dojo has yet to marshall its full power. While it may have seemed like Greg was desperate to find new female talent (that would explain why he was talking to a girl at ACE for half an hour just because she was wearing camouflage), the climate warrior has actually assembled a pretty impressive side. A healthy Rem, the constantly improving Becky Pear and Tamara “Who is that girl?!” Cacchione provide a great core. All that’s needed is for them and the elusive Will Kuhns to show up on a regular basis.

We’re going to make our prediction for this one a game-time decision. If the GI Joes are out in force it’s their game. Otherwise, look for Welch’s Warriors to grab the victory.

Dark Rainbows at La Famiglia
Tompkins Square East, 3:00 pm
By Cub Reporter Eli Kazin

I’ll admit it, I don’t know much about the Dark Rainbows this season. Sure, my team played them on Opening Day, but I was out of town, and the box scores don’t offer much help, as the only game note is that some guy named Norris scored for Math. Usually, the team preview or roster is a good place to go for more information, but alas, that is nowhere to be found. I guess the whole start of the season thing took everyone by surprise.

What I do know is that Bernstein plays for the Rainbows, and aside from attending Duke, he’s awesome. And they have Abby, too! But she’s injured right now, which is less awesome.

I don’t even know where to start with La Famiglia. It says they scored four goals from four different players against the Sky Fighters, but does not name names. So let’s assume Denis and Shafiq each had one, since they obviously did, but that still leaves us with two more players to figure out. Luckily, they did send the league a ref list with 14 players on it, which is pretty much the equivalent to a roster. Wait, 14 refs is an awful lot for one team. I’ll believe all of them ref a game when I see it. Until then, though, I admire their collective ambition.

Former Tuques 3, Dark Rainbows 1.

MegaTouch at What the Puck
Tompkins Square West, 3:00 pm
By Monica “Keepin’ It Real” Russo

One wonders what there is to say anymore. Here we are, the new season barely begun, and one finds one’s self unable to make fresh observations about Mega Touch, about What the Puck. Does one tritely make reference, yet again, to WTP’s many children? To Mega Touch’s stripe-socked easy-goingness? Julie’s candy addiction? Romeo’s many monogramed and personalized pieces of equipment?

Gut Rot at Mathematics
Tompkins Square East, 4:30 pm
By Rich “Paid by the Word” Glanzer”

Gremlins at Fresh Kills
Tompkins Square East, 5:30 pm

The Kills have officially joined the Hookers as one of those teams who are so good, they’re boring to write about. Seriously, how many ways can you say that Gabe Chenard can put the puck in the net and that Dave is Russian? It’s like covering the Harlem Globetrotters. Eventually, you want to write about the Washington Generals.

Which brings us to the Gremlins. This team is all about hope. That’s why they used to be called the Unicorns. That’s why Jon “Once Called Redpants” Rick is still on their roster (he will return again in glory). That’s why they have no problems with their average team height being 5’4.” As Luke “Ice” Berg told the ORG “if you believe, you can accomplish anything.”

We love that little guy. Be a mensch, Dave. Don’t shatter his dreams this Sunday.

Sky Fighters at Poutine Machine
Tompkins Square West, 3:00 pm

The ORG (in our role as Poutine Captain) wished Dan Hopper good luck via email earlier this week. And the guy e-fake handshaked us and blew us off. This is why Sidney Crosby gets hit in the face, Dan. And this is why the Sky Fighters should lose. Of course, it is an unfair world. Pittsburgh will probably win the Stanley Cup. And the Sky Fighters should probably succumb to the scrappy but untrained talent of the faux French Canadians. But good things don’t always happen to good people. The June 1994 James Stein know what we’re talking about. Right, James Stein?