Archive for the ‘Weekly Previews’ Category
Week 17 Previews – Part 1
Wednesday, September 5th, 2012
GAME OF THE WEEK
What the Puck at Lbs. Inc.
Location: Tompkins East, 3:00 PM
Game Keys:
Welcome back, BTSHers. While everybody comments on each other’s tans and catches up on vacation stories (yes, several more league members are now banned for life from SECRETS), wily old veterans know that this is the time to prep their teams for the last few games. And they don’t come any wilier (or older) than Sascha and Larry. We would have picked this game as GOTW because it’s a classic matchup between two of the league’s most venerable franchises. But it’s also a 4-point game in what is arguably the league’s tightest playoff race. WTP’s weak divisional record and low goal differential mean they need to win the division. If they end up tied with La Famiglia for the top spot, Larry’s Orange Army may lose the coveted #2 seed and a chance to play a more predictable opponent. There’s a log jam below the division leaders so finishing second could mean facing down any number of wildcards. Meanwhile, earlier in the season, the LBS. looked like a lock to take the first spot. With summer attendance woes no longer an issue, they’re close enough to still make a run at the title. A win here is a must, especially since WTP and La Famiglia face each other next week.
Keys to the Game.
1) Babysitters
While Zimm and company continue to lobby the League office for BTSH sponsored daycare, an outbreak of chicken pox or kid’s birthday parties could have a devastating impact on their bench.
2) Venerable=Old
While parenthood has aged the Puckers, the simple progress of time has done the same thing to the LBS. core trio of Sam, Ken and Carsten. Have the rigors of an 18 game season finally started to take their toll. Are the LBS. the BTSH equivalent of the 2010 Detroit Red Wings. Or do the Three Amigos still have one last campaign left in them?
3) Wherefore Art Thou Romeo?
It’s getting awfully close to the big day. That means WTP goalie Anthony Romeo is in the best shape of his life. It also means he’s 50/50 to make the game. Life before hockey, right, Romes?
4) The game is on the East Court
I have no idea how this impacts things but I figured I should add one more factor to give this write-up an Eli-like obsessive amount of detail
Game Prediction: If ever there was a game you would expect to go to OT, it would be this one. It’s all down to who shows up on Sunday and who wants it more. With a lot more at stake for Sascha’s Bashers, we’ll give the edge to the LBS.
Dark Rainbows at Mega Touch
Location: Tompkins East, 1:00 PM
Game Notes: Two teams that are better than their records indicate come together to show the league what they’ve got. It feels like I write a variation on that statement every week, but both the Bad Touch crew and the Hippies have pulled off some well deserved upsets (and lost some heartbreakers) in recent weeks. Both teams have also managed to stay true to their character. Unfortunately, for the Megas, they’ll be without team Captain Julie Katz and scoring threat Adriano “Andiamo” Bratta who are prepping for the playoffs with two weeks in Italy (Tiramisu is not a superfood, Bratta). Also, the Rainbows are mean if you get them riled up. Especially, Meisterman. With only, Eric Devlin matching the intensity of Sean, Josh, Brice and co. this one goes to the multi-colored multitude.
Butchers at Poutine Machine
By Rich “So Tired” Glanzer
Location: Tompkins West, 2:00 PM
Game Keys: While this game features the 1st Place Machine vs. the tied for 2nd place Butchers, it really has very little meaning for Poutine. They are six points ahead of both the Butchers and Cobra Kai and need just 1 point to clinch first. Yes, Cobra Kai actually has 8 wins despite not having 8 people with hockey talent. I guess Will Kuhns and JJ *are* that good! We sure know its not Peter Lang. But I digress.
Poutine will be the 3rd seed going into the playoffs and Patrick is viewing this game as the Jets did their last pre-season game. The Jets didn’t play Sanchez or Tebow and refuse to run their new NEDI…I mean Wildcat formation. Sven says, “I too will not start Tebow, Sanchez, Provencher or that blonde chick that plays good but not great D. I think her name is Charlotte.” It’s Chelsea, Sven.
Over on the Butchers side Ben B. and Chris D. are taking this game as serious as a playoff game. Which means they could care less if they win or not. In O.C. they beat Richie’s Kids 1-0 and if they remembered it, they could rub it in for a year, but luckily for me and my teammates I’m pretty sure the latest round of mind altering substances washed away the memory of the game for them. (Didn’t put their last name so if future employers of Chris googled his name the mind altering substances reference wouldn’t come up. Ben probably would have gotten a few more gigs if I kept it in)
As for the hockey…I see Poutine pulling out the W here. Tim Brown gets a shutout, 2-0.
Editor’s Note: New readers may not know that a Glanzer pick is the equivalent of the SPORTS ILLUSTRATED cover curse. Guess Poutine will have to wait at least another week to clinch the division.
Happy Little Elves at Filthy Gorgeous
By Abby “So Over Them” Meisterman
Location: Tompkins East, 4:30 PM
Game Keys: I believe there are three teams about which Sven likes to see me write: Filthy Gorgeous, Cobra Kai, and Happy Little Elves. While I could’ve written up the Cobra Kai v. Mathematics game to make it up to Justin Perras — who only wanted me to write the preview so he could see his name in “print” — and Derek Tagliarino, The Org decided to make it up to Trevor Beauclair and Rich Glanzer. (These four being, apparently, the only people, aside from Denim Demon’s father figure, Joe Tinky, who read the blog.) Why he chose the latter two, and thus the Elves, will remain a mystery to me. So, without further ado…
Blah blah blah… Top Filthies scorers: James Pereira and Sunny Mehra… Blah blah blah… Goalie with anger management issues, Shaun DeLacy, and ego-riddled captain, Rich Glanzer… Blah blah blah… When these two teams first met this year, only two games had been played: FG had gone 1-1 and the Elves were not too happy* with their 0-2 record. As we near the end of the regular season, these teams are boasting similar records; with FG trailing with one tie to the Elves win. However, it’s worth it to note that FG has won all of their divisional games while the Elves have lost theirs. That being said, and because I like Monica, I’m saying the pretty ugly ones should have this.
Sort of related, I’m really torn about who would win the Cobra Kai v. Mathematics game… There’s a lot of talent on both sides! I guess I could decide on this the way I decide other athletic competitions: which team has better looking players.** (Oh, shut up! You totally do this!) Hmm…
* Get it? Get it?! Ahhh, shut yer hole.
** I will not be rooting for the Jets.
Editor’s Note: This may be the first time that Shaun DeLacy’s name has been spelt correctly on the blog this season.
Gut Rot at Gouging Anklebiters
By Monica “So Happy For You” Russo
Location: Tompkins West, 5:30 PM
Game Keys: Are we paying attention? The Anklebiters have a lot more wins than losses, this season. Unfortunately, not the case for Gut Rot. However, I think you guys both got schooled the last time we played, no? Anyway, it’s a new dawn, it’s a new day, the break is over, and they’re all anybody’s game.
That said, I think it’s time for some shakeup. I want to see a goal apiece for Jen Harlan, Bill Tucker (yep), Matt Workman (post-wedding goals are the sweetest), and Amy Barrett Donahue. I love seeing these teams play each other, and that’s truly no joke. Sorry I have no more to say. Catch me next week.
Part 2 of our Week 17 previews will appear tomorrow.
Week 16 Previews, Part 2
Thursday, August 9th, 2012
Mega Touch at Gut Rot
By ORG Stringer Monica Russo
Location: Tompkins East, 3:00 PM
Game Keys: Mega Touch vs. Gut Rot: and this isn’t game of the week?
Poutine Machine at Gouging Anklebiters
Location: Tompkins West, 3:00 PM
Game Keys: If not for the Kehoe/MDF lovefest that took over this site yesterday, this might have been Game of the Week. Between them Poutine Machine and the Anklebiters have quietly compiled two of the best records in the league. And while both sides have been less prominent at the ACE bar this year, they’re still known for being social squads as well. So what’s the key to their mutual success? Students of the game might say it has something to do with their strong defenses, top level goalies and balanced scoring. But we like to think it’s down to the fact that both sides have a star player named Jo. For the Anklebiters, that’s Joe P., a high profile, off-season pickup who’s been dominating games with his soft hands and dazzling speed. For Poutine, it’s the other Jo P. (JoAnn Provencher) who has been dominating games with her confusing mix of French and English and her heckling of the refs (particularly Eli). The success of both strategies has led several Filthy Gorgeous members (well really just James) to suggest that Monica “Front Office” Russo makes some trades and puts together an all Jo P. line that includes Filthy in absentia Joe Periera. When asked for comment on the proposal Monica replied with a phrase that Adriano has told us is the Italian version of Poutine’s signature “Tabernac” cheer. Still with the rumors flying, expect both players to put on a show in what should be one of the most hotly contested matches this Sunday.
La Famiglia at LBS, Inc
Location: Tompkins East 4:30 PM
By La Famiglia Consigliore Bill Tucker
Game Keys:
In a matchup so intriguing, you would think it was written by Christopher Nolan, The Corporation and La Famiglia meet this week in a crucial divisional contest. Safely entrenched in a four game winning streak, The Family has been flying high as of late. Team mainstay and Wes Anderson fan Alfred Liu has attributed this rise to team cohesion, smart offensive play and a newfound dedication to Scientology. John Travolta would be proud. With a 9 – 4 record, the Microsoft of BTSH has had themselves a fine season, thanks to a balanced attack and the clutch goaltending of Seth “The Save” Watchell. According to inside sources, Sascha Owen isn’t concerned with Famiglia’s hockey prowess. It’s the newly re-formed Heckle Wall that has the LBS captain spooked. The new core of Matt Workman, Heather “Cut a Bitch” Aspergen and Jamie “IPA” Crosby caused mayhem during last week’s Math / Anklebiters game and if Gut Rot’s vocal miscreants reappear during this contest, focus will be the key to victory. With only two points separating the first place WTP from the third place La Famiglia, the winner of this game may shape who’s getting a bye in the October playoffs.
Dr. Hunter S. Tompkins’ Official Prediction: Due to an unfortunate miscalculation and a pint of raw ether, Dr. Gonzo and I found ourselves in Atlantic City. Monuments to decadence towered over the beachfront as the sad and sagging plunked their life savings into the one armed bandits. I was struck by a harsh reality. Corporations were to blame for the fall of this sleepy seaside town and as a result, I can’t pick LBS to win this contest. 3-2 in favor of the Omnipotent Octopi.
Sky Fighters at Butchers
Location: Tompkins West, 4:30 PM
Game Keys: Summer is not the Sky Fighters friend (as witnessed by last weeks 6-1 loss to the Hookers). The Cloud Punchers tend to struggle with attendance in these warm weather months and then put on a surge towards the end of the season. And this year looks to be no different. Meanwhile, the Butchers are also doing what they always do. Winning some games. Losing some games. Drinking a lot of Vodka and Vitamin Water. The fact that Creamy is now bringing his own lawn chair to the matches is an indication of how intense these mid-season games are for the Meat Maulers. Expect this week to be no different. Our prediction is that team Captains Dan Hopper, Ben Bloom and Rachel Greene will allow the goalies to settle this match via the new Goalie Union approved method known as “Funky Arbitration”. This involves both keepers swapping equipment and seeing who can handle the stench longer (Interesting side note – neither Tim Brown or Craig LaCombe have ever lost in Funky Arbitration). While Eric and James see who has the stronger stomach, the rest of their mutual squads will decamp to the nearest watering hole to watch the sport of the summer, dressage. Well played, Captains, well played.
Mathematics at Happy Little Elves
By ORG Stringer Abby Meisterman
Location: Tompkins East, 5:30 PM
Game Keys: Wait for it, Eli. Abby wouldn’t let you down. Her writeup will appear later on today.
Filthy Gorgeous at What The Puck
Location: Tompkins West, 5:30 PM
Game Keys: Two of the best looking teams in the league throw down in what’s sure to be a tight (and sexy) match. Sure WTP has exercise video star Larry Zimmer and teen heartthrob Corey. But the FGs have their own VANITY FAIR model in newcomer Justin as well as BTSH’s answer to Channing Tatum, James Periera. Zimmer has been particularly ruthless in making sure that his team fits certain aesthetic standards, signing many players to what can only be described as “Abercrombie & Fitch” style contracts. Rumor has it that this is the real reason behind the departure of Adriano Bratta and the less than frequent Sal appearances in recent years. Meanwhile, the Dirty Prettys aren’t above playing the looks card either. Monica has apparently instructed her squad to “make the V necks even deeper” and it’s clear that Kamdyn Moore was brought on to the side to teach the Filthys the “sexy stretch” method of warming up that she has used effectively in other leagues. With the competition so close, it may come to down to the simplest of questions … does anyone have a brush they can lend Suz? If the answer is no, expect the decision to go to the team in (not very stylish) orange. Of course, if the only factor were pure hockey skill we would have to give this one to FG. But has there ever been a BTSH game where that was the only factor?
Week 16 Previews – Part 1
Wednesday, August 8th, 2012
GAME OF THE WEEK
Rehabs at Fresh Kills
Location: Tompkins West, 2:00 PM
By Rich “I Love Poutine But I Love Kehoe More” Glanzer
Game Keys:
Game of the Week just doesn’t cut it. With Stacey Kehoe and MDF playing in their last BTSH games (for now), this is Game of the Year.
But the two legends of the league are going to have to earn their going away victory, as they don’t play a scrub team like Gut Rot, the Riots, Mega, Math, Anklebiters, Rainbows, Gremlins, Cobra Kai, Butchers, POUTINE MACHINE, Sky Fighters, Tuques, WTP, Lbs., Demons, Filthy, or the Hookers. No, they play the defending champs, Fresh Kills.While the league will be rooting for the two friends, teammates, and roommates to go out in style, captain of Fresh Kills Dave Soko said, “If they die, they die.” Oooookkkkkayyy Dave, its just a regular season game buddy, win or lose there is no reason for either Meredith-Danberg- Ficarelli or Stacy Kehoe-Glanzer to die. So lets see who has the advantage.Keys to the Game.1) Who will handle The Pressure better?Ahhhh The Pressure. Its like this giant mountain looming over a shirtless Sherpa. We all know its there, both teams will feel it, but which team will handle it better? Welp, we know Fresh Kills thrives under pressure. The good regular season team turns great come the postseason with two championships in 4 years. The Rehabs have not handled it so well however, as they have yet to make a playoff run since the league (really) started in 2008.Big Edge to FK.2) Ice Water in Veins between FriendsBTSH has brought many people together, and what makes this league great is at 7:30, you will see five people from five different teams chilling, and drinking four PBR’s or High Life’s and a bottled Bud Light. But few teams are closer than the women of FK and the Rehabs. Stephanie Opitz and Sarah “Dead to me” Hobart are often seen palling around with Nora, Hilary and Erica. Kehoe is typically creeping somewhere around that mix as well. So which team will be able to put their game face on and end their friendship for an hour? I’ll go with the Rehabs. Not bc they can, but just because I picked FK in the pressure category. Plus, I have nothing against Nora or Hilary, and only mild angst against Erica. Meanwhile Opitz and Hobart both are on my list. (Though I feel bad that Opitz has never beaten me at Skee*T*Ball)Slight edge Rehabs3) Shaun deLaceyNow as for Shaun deLacey…did you know he has the leagues best goals against average? So which team will dump their goalie for this game, and add the leagues best? The Rehabs have too much, “Girl Power” to drop Hilary for the match, but Dave Soko has no problems telling Barch the game was moved to Corlears Park. Expect a Lime Green surprise in nets for FK.Huge advantage FK.Game Prediction. With two huge advantages for FK, and only a mini-token advantage to the Rehabs this game should be a route, 5-1 FK, especially when you factor in the Rehabs Suck. But what should and what will happen are two different things. And there is no way Kehoe and MDF are losing this game. Its going to be close, its going to OT and I expect that tan guy to put home the winner for the Rehabs. I forget his name, he’s not important anyways. 3-2 Rehabs OT.
“Sven Patrick,
At Ace on Sun, I overheard that Rich G won a bet and gets be in a relationship in Facebook with Stacey Kehoe if he had more goals this week (or something) so I had the brilliant idea of doing a weekly? btsh relationship story.. Well just really a mash up of 2 people.
Attached is the Rich/Stacey mash up. I call her RaceyHoe. I think it would look great on the website. Let me know what you think.
Best,
Josh”
Tompkins Square Riots at Dark Rainbows
Location: Tompkins East, 1:00 PM
Game Notes: Two teams that are better than their records indicate come together in an early afternoon clash. With not much to play for from a divisional point of view and a three-week break looming will both teams start their vacation early? Rumor has it that Josh and Sean are simply playing possum during the regular season and are already planning to put acid in the league’s collective Kool Aid come play off time. Given the non-conformist worldviews of most of their team, it’s understandable that they’re planning now and giving regular season games a bit of a short shrift. Meanwhile, the sorely missed Trevor has been spotted shooting balls against the side of a barn in Woodstock. If the Rainbows want to sneak him in to the playoff roster they may have to tip their hands in this under-the-radar match. Meanwhile, Amy Jones has spent the week trying to convince her Euro dominated side that the US doesn’t take the entire month of August off. The concept doesn’t seem to have gained much traction among her Continental Crew, most of whom have already decamped for Zeider und Zee. Sorry, Jonesy. Despite your impressive win last week, we’re calling this one for the hippies.
Cobra Kai at Gremlins
Location: Tompkins West, 1:00 PM
Game Keys: What is this? Twin week at BTSH? Both these teams have pulled off some unlikely victories. And both teams have lost games we would have picked them to win. So will the real ’80s movie inspired teams please stand up? Ryan and Greg are two of the most passionate Captains in the league so you know they’ll have their teams ready to play. The key to Cobra Kai’s play seems to be the status of oft-injured goalie Pete Lang. He was outstanding in his return from injury a couple of weeks ago. But critics fear that he rushed his return and may not be fully recovered. Will he prove vulnerable to John Rick’s now famous “shoot when the goalie has his back to you” play? Lang may not be up to the level of a Shon Delacy but if he’s fully fit, look for him to be the difference in this game.
Corlears Hookers at Denim Demons
Location: Tompkins East, 2:00 PM
Game Keys: Is it a return to glory for Adam’s Infernal Mob? It certainly looked that way as they easily handled the Elves, making TSP West look like something from the first Lord of the Rings movie. Sobbing elves everywhere is not a pretty sight. But even in their glory days the Demons struggled to contain the force that is the Corlears Hookers. Is it because robots don’t know fear? That’s the concept some long time league watchers have put forward. But just because Pete doesn’t let them cheer when they score goals doesn’t mean that the Hookers are heartless automatons. They’re all too human (Trust us. We’ve seen Eitel watch E.T. the Extraterrestial. Waterworks city.). No one knows this better than Coach, who will spend the hours before the game trolling the Hookers current Facebook posts in an effort to find just the right insults to hurl at approaching shooters. You’ve seen what he can do at the Parkside folks. Will the Purple People Eaters be the next team brought to tears by the evil machinations of the Demons? All I know is, if I were Dustin, I’d tell his squad to stay away form social media this week.
Week 15 Previews
Friday, August 3rd, 2012
Filthy Gorgeous at Poutine Machine
Location: Tompkins East, 1:00 PM
By Returning in Glory Poutine Machine Beat Reporter Rich Glanzer
Game Notes: America loves a comeback and there is no greater comeback than me being forced out of the Poutine beat, to now regaining my throne and administrating my first (and overdo) Game of the Week.
Rehabs at What The Puck
Location: Tompkins West, 1:00 PM
Game Keys: Fact #1 – most of WTP are parents now and go to bed by 9 pm. They’ve also forgotten where Williamsburg is even located. Fact #2 – Stacy Kehoe is having her birthday party in the aforementioned Billyburg the night before. Fact #3 – it’s a joint celebration with Craig “I play my best hockey while still drunk from the night before” LaCombe. Fact #4 – Zimm with a wrong handed stick and Romeo playing out should be able to beat the ‘Habs after Saturday’s Bacchanalia. Fact #5 – Rehabs suck. That is all.
Gremlins at Gut Rot
Location: Tompkins East, 2:00 PM
Game Keys: Remember that nerdy kid in college who all of a sudden went psycho gym teacher on you the moment you guys got enough friends together to play a drunken game of kickball? He could be on either of these teams. While known for laidback attitudes and strong bar turnouts both these squads bring it come game time. While they’ve often caught other teams by surprise, neither squad is likely to catch the other side napping this week. So how do you defeat an opponent who is essentially yourself? Pure damn luck is always a good strategy. And the Grems happen to have “Lucky Luke” on their side, a player who always seems able to put the biscuit in the basket at the crucial moment. While Rot goalie Bill Tucker is familiar with the tow haired sniper (they’re teammates in that “other” ball hockey league) there’s no truer cliche in hockey than “you can’t stop what you can’t see”. With the Rotters being about a head taller than their AMC counterparts, expect at least one to slip by their constantly screened netminder.
Dark Rainbows at La Famiglia
Location: Tompkins West, 2:00 PM
By La Famiglia Made Man Bill Tucker
Game Keys: Ladies and gentlemen, friends and neighbors, know one thing. The Family is back.
Last week, La Famiglia shocked the league with a 6-3 thwomping of the Cumulus Combatants. Although scattered reports claim that the majority of the Sky Fighters skipped the game in favor of Sunday Mai Tais and those little crackers you put caviar on, I could give a turkey. This victory propelled the Former Tuques back into the crosshairs of the entire Brown division. Although I don’t have specific information as to who scored for The Family, my BTSH instincts tell me it was probably some combination of Dennis Miciletto, Shafiq “Off Black” Perry and that guy with the glasses who I think may be Ant, but I’m not quite sure. What I am sure of is that last week’s win puts Famiglia only two points away from the division lead. With only four points separating the top ranked Corporation from the fourth place Sky Fighters, the race for first in the Brown division has become white hot.
Sadly, the Dark Rainbows are looking for a spark in the midst of their three game losing streak. Despite a last place standing in the Larsen division, there are some high points for the Loveable Lay-abouts. Rookie goaltender Ariel Kipnis has shown flashes of brilliance, Abby “Dr Who” Meisterman is playing some of her best hockey of the season and John “Gamechanger” Neilsen is quietly making his mark as one of the top two way players in the entire league. Team cohesion has been an issue for the Rainbows, but if the team can come together in the final weeks of the regular season, it could be a summer of love for the High Life Hippies.
Dr Hunter S. Tompkins’ Official Prediction: The Dark Rainbows echo my sentiments of good times, drunken revelry and reckless abandon. Mad long haired wanderers all searching for their piece of the BTSH dream. Famiglia is of a similar ilk, relaxed at the bar yet dangerous on the court. This contest should prove to be a good one but in the end, the Blue Menace will defeat the Tie Dyed Terrors by a score of 4 to 2.
Denim Demons at Happy Little Elves
Location: Tompkins East, 3:00 PM
Game Keys: Shaun DeLacy. Shaun DeLacy. Shaun DeLacy. Shaun DeLacy. Shaun DeLacy. Shaun DeLacy. Shaun DeLacy. Shaun DeLacy. Shaun DeLacy. Shaun DeLacy. Shaun DeLacy. Shaun DeLacy. Shaun DeLacy. Shaun DeLacy. Shaun DeLacy. Shaun DeLacy. Shaun DeLacy. Shaun DeLacy. There. Now we’ve finally written an Elves preview that ShaunDeLacy won’t complain about.
Sorry Demons, we’ll write more about you next week.
Butchers at Cobra Kai
Location: Tompkins West, 3:00 PM
By Abby “Still not the Dude” Meisterman
Game Keys: Last week, Cobra Kai had a pretty short bench. In order to face the once mighty Denim Demons (3-9-1), The Dojo called upon this week’s rival goalie, Eric Ramirez and he helped them to a 2-0 shut-out. What you also need to know was that this was Ramirez’s second game of the day. If he can pull back-to-back wins against Fresh Kills and the Demons, Cobra Kai should be worried about this week’s face-off. Hopefully, goalie Pete Lang will come off the IR and the team will show up! However, despite roster issues, Cobra Kai has remained a threat: boasting the same record as the Butchers, wins against tough teams (Lbs.), and tight games against even tougher teams (Corlears Hookers).
And lest you think I was going to get through this entire preview without a pop culture reference… My prediction? “We’ll call it a draw!”
Sky Fighters at Corlears Hookers
Location: Tompkins East 4:30 PM
Game Keys: Whenever there’s a rematch between former championship finalists, you know it’s going to be intense. But the question most observers will be asking is which Skyfighters team will show up? Or, for that matter, which Hookers team will show up? Both sides have been plagued by attendance problems in recent weeks and we don’t see the tide turning any time soon. Can Noelle and substitute goalie Al Huang beat up on James Stein and that blond guy with the glasses who I’ve seen play for years but still don’t know his name? More importantly, will anyone care? Note to Eli and Derek – schedule this match in September next year, ok?
Tompkins Square Riots at Mega Touch
Location: Tompkins West, 4:30 PM
Game Keys: You can say one thing about the Riots – they’re due. No team in BTSH this year has played more consistently strong hockey this year with less successful results. It’s got to be frustrating for team captain Amy Jones who has taken to adding a little Bailey’s to her signature mason jar of coffee. Drunk Amy may be fun for the spectators but it’s going to take more shots on net than shots in glasses to defeat a talented MegaTouch side. The talented combo of Adriano and Harvey are a challenging assignment for any defense to shut down. And with Julie “Willie Wonka” Katz supplying her team with constant doses of sugar, expect the Megas to be more hopped up than a four year old’s birthday party. The Riots may be able to take advantage of the sheer frenziedness of the Mega side (twizzler induced ADD is not conducive to positional play) but we expect the Touchers to pull out the W here.
Mathematics at Gouging Anklebiters
Location: Tompkins East, 5:30 PM
By President of the Sharif Corinaldi Fan Club Monica Russo
Game Keys: Both the GAB and Math put 4 past the goalie last week, though the ‘Rot was only able to squeak one past Craig “You Can Borrow Any Goalie Except Craig” LaCombe. The Biters are (kind of?) a force this year, with their new roster working out like a charm. Expect a excellent matchup. I’d stick around until 5:30 to watch this one. Who knows, there may even be a cameo appearance from Sharif Corinaldi!
Fresh Kills at LBS, Inc.
Location: Tompkins West, 5:30 PM
By Fresh Kills Beat Reporter and Channel 4 Weatherman Eli Kazin
Game Keys: Fresh Kills saw its five game winning streak snapped last Sunday, dropping a 3-2 decision to the Butchers in a game fraught with “rain fears.” After the game, defenseman Ariel Imas was quick to point out that the team, and himself in particular, does not play well on a slick surface. The rain even impacted captain Dave Sokolyansky’s personnel decisions, as he noted, “I decided to make Justin Ross, who has a history of injuries, a healthy scratch. It just did not make sense to dress him for a non-conference game considering the expected adverse court conditions.” This Sunday, Fresh Kills faces off against its longtime rival LBS, Inc. Imas and Sokolyansky’s comments regarding “rain fears” caught the attention of Karsten Pichon, the Corporation’s star forward and noted meteorology enthusiast. Pichon has already started consulting his forecast tracking models for Sunday afternoon, vainly hoping for a the presence of a low pressure system, slow moving cold front, or humid air mass conducive to late afternoon showers. Currently, Sunday’s forecast calls for partly cloudy skies and a high of 84 degrees, with just a 20% chance of “rain fears.”
Week 14 Previews
Thursday, July 26th, 2012
GAME OF THE WEEK
LBS, Inc. (9-3-0) at Corlears Hookers (10-2-0)
Location: Tompkins West, 1:00 PM
Game Keys: Two of the leagues powerhouses come together in a game that’s made all the more meaningful by the fact that they both suffered unlikely upsets last week. The LBs. lost 2-0 to Cobra Kai, largely due to a smothering dojo defense that did a great job of keeping the ball away form the Corporation’s lethal offense. Meanwhile, Poutine Machine took advantage of the Hookers short bench and played a run and gun style that exploited the Purple People Eaters’ lack of manpower. Neither tactic is likely to work in this matchup and neither side is likely to panic over a one week blip. But both sides can learn lessons form last weekend.
Still, that doesn’t mean the Captains won’t try. We hear Dustin is buying custom goal pads for every member of his squad and instructing them to stand no more than three feet from a Lbs. player at any time. His goal is to set the league record in save percentage by stopping all three shots that make it through. While it’s true that net minder equipment has been getting progressively bigger throughout BTSH, this is the type of strategy you would only expect to see from a Keeper/Captain. But with the powerful Goalies’ union behind him, expect Dusty to pull it off. Meanwhile, the Lbs. braintrust of Sasha, Sam, Carsten (and sometimes Ken) have adopted the Larsen tactic of finding new ways to make sure the Hookers don’t actually show up for the game. A week long combination of sending jason Eitel pictures of sexy Russian soccer players, forging a Flyers offer sheet and sending it to Noelle, and letting Josh know that he’s made the finals for THE GLEE PROJECT – SEASON 3 may pay off.
With more behind the scenes machinations than GAME OF THRONES, expect this one to be compelling viewing.
Watchability: 5 McSorley Stick Measurements
Tompkins Square Riots at Mathematics
Location: Tompkins East, 1:00 PM
Game Notes: After a promising start, the Riots have struggled, losing six in a row. Team Captain Amy Jones has tried almost everything. Playing, not playing, showing up but not watching the game. So far none of it’s working. But that doesn’t mean she’s given up. After consulting with team superstar Patrick Blohme, she’s instituted a new team training regimen that includes pre-game saunas, an all-meatball diet and liberal doses of fartlek. While part time player and full time curmudgeon Craig Thompson has already bristled at this new approach, others on the team have taken it to heart. How else to explain their now almost nightly practices in the parking lot of the Red Hook IKEA. Meanwhile, the big story for Math is the return of Sharif Corinaldi to the tri-state area. The Frolicing Functions currently hold his rights and Derek may be well advised to sign up one of the all-time classic Mathematics players. But will Corinaldi fit in to Eli’s Moneyball inspired roster planning. And how will rookie sensation Zach Norris respond to the addition of a new/old team member. We’ve heard Norris is like a thoroughbred racehorse. Fond of carrots but skittish. Will he be okay with the return of the “Mouth That Roared”? So many storylines. It’s like the Olympics here, every week folks.
Dark Rainbows at Happy Little Elves
Location: Tompkins East, 2:00 PM
by ORG Special Correspondent Monica Russo
Game Keys: You can learn a lot by eavesdropping
Mega Touch at Poutine Machine
Location: Tompkins West, 2:00 PM
By Formerly Disgraced Poutine beat Reporter Rich Glanzer
Game Keys: The top three stories of the BTSH season so far are these.
3. The emergence of definite Rookie of the Year and possible MVP candidate Zach Norris.
2. Georgine getting a hat trick (with my stick)
1. Me getting fired from the Poutine Machine beat for continually picking the games wrong.
But after successfully predicting Mega Touch’s mega upset over the Butchers, Sven has decided to give me one more chance.
This weak the Machine battles the aforementioned Mega Touch. Both teams are coming off of huge upsets. Mega over the Butchers, and more importantly, Poutine over the Hookers.
While I expect Mega to dominate much of the play, I think Tim Brown earns first star, and lead Poutine to a 3-2 victory.
Editor’s Note: For those who haven’t been following, Glanzer picking your team to win is the equivalent of the SPORTS ILLUSTRATED cover curse. if I knew he was going to behave like this I never would have let him back on the Poutine Beat.
Sky Fighters at La Famiglia
Location: Tompkins East, 3:00 PM
By La Famiglia Beat Reporter Bill Tucker
Game Keys: The Cumulus Combatants met the Blue Menace in a divisional Week 14 Matchup that has all the drama of Step Up Revolution, without the Miami setting, choreography and obligatory dance offs. The Sky Fighters come into this contest after a hard fought victory against a resurgent Gut Rot. At first glance, the standings look good. Third place in the division along with a positive goal differential should mean Hopper’s Hooligans are in solid shape. The problem lies in their shoddy 1-4-1 divisional record. While this may not mean much for playoff seeding, this could spell trouble as the races heat up in the final stretch of the season. To unite his squad, captain Dan Hopper in in the process of changing his name to “Danomir Hotalik” in an attempt to further ingratiate himself with his mostly Czech teammates. So long as he doesn’t develop “Holik Head”, this plan should prove fruitful in the coming weeks.
La Famiglia has seen similar success. Last week’s brutal 2-1 victory over the Rehabs has the Omnipotent Octopi in the midst of a two game winning streak. With Shafiq “Off Black” Perry continuing to have a hot stick (write your own joke) and the Iron Man goaltending of Tim Kayiatos leading the way (write your own Tony Stark joke), The Family looks poised to make a late season move. Although BTSH doesn’t have a formal trade deadline, sources indicate that Dave Ladanyi was in the running for the services of Rick Nash from the Columbus Blue Jackets. Sketchy reports indicate the Famiglia captain was offering a case of Miller High Life, three Swiss Cake Rolls and a bucket of unidentifiable slop for the five time NHL All Star. With similar records and matching points, this matchup could separate the Contenders from the Pretenders in the middle of the Brown division standings.
Dr. Hunter Tompkin’s Offical Prediction – Considering I just awoke from a week long methadone binge, I have little to add to this Famiglia / Sky Fighters preview. Blurry thoughts of nights spent slovenly in back alleys and custard shops fill my memory. If this isn’t madness, it’s one hell of a ride. Oh. The game? 3-2 in favor of the Aerial Assaulters. Don’t ask me why.
Gouging Anklebiters at Gut Rot
Location: Tompkins West, 3:00 PM
Game Keys: After watching Joe & Alex put on another show in their last game, league observers might think that the Chompers will make short work of Jeff’s Whiskey Worshippers. But the Biters vaunted, family-like bonds may be their downfall this week. With a big team wedding in Maine, who will carry the standard for the Blue & Yellow? Probably, the newest Anklebiters, Joe, Courtney and Craig. While they’ve done their best to bond with their fellow canine cohorts, they’re still seen as the New Kids on the Block. And that means they may be left out of the group Lobster bake and cheap horror film antics (we told Phil and Amy not to have sex in their cabin. But did they listen? Noooo.). While still a force to be reckoned with, that trio will have a hard time handling the multi-shirted Rotters. Peaches’ Pets have already put up three “W”s this year, something it took many former versions of this team a year or two to accomplish. With Gilligan, Heather and the rest finding their mojo it could be a Dog Day Afternoon for the Puck Puppies.
Fresh Kills at Butchers
Location: Tompkins East 4:30 PM
By Fresh Kills Beat Reporter Eli Kazin
Game Keys: Another week and another win for Fresh Kills, which is becoming a common occurrence. A 3-2 victory over the Happy Little Elves pushed the defending champions winning streak to five games and pulled the team within two points of first place in the Bratta Division. This week, Fresh Kills draws the slumping Butchers in what could be a trap game, as Dave Sokolyansky and company might be caught looking ahead to next week’s matchup against longtime rival LBS, Inc. The Butchers have lost two games in a row and four of their past six, but even with these recent struggles, they remain one of the stingiest defensive units in the league. With just 20 goals allowed through 12 games, the Butchers rank third in overall defense, and goaltender Eric Ramirez has already notched six wins and two shutouts. Fresh Kills has also been strong defensively, allowing just 23 goals through 12 games, good for fourth in the league. Goaltender Patrick Barch has recorded eight wins so far and also has two shutouts. The difference in what should be a low-scoring duel between two of the league’s best goaltenders might just be Fresh Kills’ second-ranked offense. Did you know that Nick Hobbs has already tallied eight goals this season? That’s a lot, especially for him.
Gremlins at What The Puck
Location: Tompkins West, 4:30 PM
Game Keys: While WTP has the better record, the Gremlins have found a unique strategy for dealing with the Orange juggernaut.
Puppies.
Team Captain Ryan has authorized a one-time budget expense and instructed Iannis, Caitlin and Luke to buy out every pet store in Bushwick. He plans to unleash a herd of canine cuteness court side this Sunday immediately after puck drop. The resulting frenzy among the assorted WTP offspring is sure to provide a tremendous distraction for the Pucker Parents and even momentarily make Romeo forget about both hockey and his wedding plans. With the WTP net minder’s attention focused on the sidelines, Jon Rick will be able to execute the patented “shoot on net when the goalies back is turned” play that he used so successfully in last week’s Rainbows game. While it’s well known that Larry always carries milk bones in his hockey bag (though no one is quite sure why), he may not reach his stash of doggie treats before the Gremlins run up the score. While Adam Skuse will argue that the tactic violates Rule #1, it’s clear Ryan has thought this one through. After all, who could accuse a man who brings puppies to children of being a d**k. Brilliantly played, Head Gremlin, brilliantly played.
Filthy Gorgeous at Rehabs
Location: Tompkins East, 5:30 PM
By ORG Stringer Abby Meisterman
Game Keys: There are a few people in this world who do or have embodied the Filthy Gorgeous name so entirely. Unfortunately, one of them, Amy Winehouse passed away just over a year ago (July 23, 2011) She did, however, leave behind a rallying cry with which all in BTSH may raise their voices. (Also, unfortunately, a lot of us still have to play them.) Can the loss of captain Meredith Danberg-Ficarelli account for the Rehabs record, winning only two of the eleven games played this season? Regardless, the junkies have a hard afternoon ahead of them… Not only did they lose to LaFamiglia (who won without Denis M. scoring a goal [he probably wasn’t there]) last week but now they’re going up against Filthy Gorgeous, a team that boasts two of the top 10 scorers and who have just defeated their division rivals the Denim Demons. According to Amy, love is a losing game and in this case, for the Rehabs this week, so is street hockey.
Denim Demons at Cobra Kai
Location: Tompkins West, 5:30 PM
Game Keys: If not for the aforementioned Poutine win against the Hookers, Cobra Kai’s defeat of the Lbs. would have easily been the “upset of the week”. With a short bench, the Karate Kids shut down one of the best teams in the league. One of the key contributors to that effort was Ryenn Geldner, who scored both foals for the Camouflage Crew and had the Lbs. defense constantly on the backfoot. perhaps that explains Greg Allman’s strict media blackout this past week. By keeping all coverage of Geldner under wraps, he’s hoping to once again use her as a secret weapon. Combined with the goaltending efforts of the newly resurgent Pete Lang (who obviously was at Henrik Lundquist’s summer clinic and not, as he claimed, severely injured for the past four weeks), the Cobra’s may be able to remain in stealth mode and steal another victory. Unfortunately for them, Adam Rubens reads the website (we know because he tells us what we get wrong each week) so that strategy is out the window. The Demons lost a super close game to the Filthy Gorgeous and they’ll be looking for some payback this week, as well.For anyone who is actually left at the courts when this game starts, this could turn out to be a surprisingly entertaining matchup.
