GAMES TO WATCH FOR
by Arya Stark
With just one week left in the regular season before rain day tournaments, 80s proms and, eventually, playoffs, there’s a lot at stake for teams across the league. Games to watch for on the final day of the 2017 regular season:
Dark Rainbows v Tompkins Riots (12:30 – East Court)
Previous Meeting: 3-2 Riots in shootout (week 5)
The Rainbows will look to avoid the ignominy of being the first winless team in, according to the Sultan, “the modern era.” Their sole point in the standings came in an absurd 17 round shootout loss to these very same Riots in week five, and the Riots have hit a major rough patch in losing their last seven games. Rainbows will have a golden opportunity to get a win on the board and some momentum going into a play-in game against (most likely) either Gut Rot or Fuzz. NFL fans may note that this early game has the feel of every 12:30 Detroit Lions Thanksgiving day kickoff game ever.
Hookers v Cobra Kai (2:30 – West Court)
Previous Meeting: 4-0 Cobra Kai (week 9)
The battle for the Katz Division pits the current fourth and fifth overall seeds against each other for bragging rights and the ability to move up to the CMB division next season. Their first matchup was a 4-0 game in which, I’ve been informed by a Hooker, they were missing “tons of players.” Classic excuse, but that’s the type of strong negotiation one should expect from a hooker.
Both teams feature elite players across the board: male, female, scorers, goaltenders. Regardless of their division, these are two of the top teams in the league by just about any metric:
Points: 4th (CK) and 5th (CH)
Goals For: tied for 2nd
Goals Against: 2nd (CK) and 4th (CH)
Goal Differential: 2nd (CK) and 4th (CH)
If Cobra Kai wins, they can move up to 2nd with some help from the LBS but would guarantee themselves no worse than third place. A Hookers overtime or shootout win and we would need to go all the way down to the third tiebreaker of goal differential which Cobra Kai would hold by two. The Hookers need to win in regulation to clinch the division and potentially the #3 seed if Filthier loses to Fuzz.
LBS v Rehabs (4:00 – East Court)
Previous Meeting: 4-2 LBS (week 9)
A championship rematch and possible second round playoff preview, this has the potential to be one of the most explosive matchups of the afternoon. The Rehabs have won five straight, including an impressive 5-1 dismantling of the previously rolling Gremlins (an apt adjective considering I recently learned they’re named after a car and their logo isn’t some random insanity), while the LBS have picked up 11 of a possible 12 points since a July 9 loss to the Butchers that put stalwart defender and former captain Sasha Owen on the IR. While this game doesn’t matter much for LBS in terms of playoff seeding (they are already locked into the 8v9 matchup), it will be a crucial tune-up game for both teams entering the postseason. If Cobra Kai are victorious at 2:30, they’ll put pressure on the Rehabs to win in order to maintain their #2 overall seed. If the Hookers are able to take down the dojo, Rehabs will clinch second before the opening faceoff but will still want to make a statement and avenge one of their only two regulation losses of the season.
What The Puck v Poutine Machine (5:00 – West Court)
Previous Meeting: 3-0 WTP (week 1)
The two best teams in the Michaliga division will square off for the first time since the season opener, a simpler time when Caps fans had their annual springtime false hopes going and no one had any notion of what covfefe meant (most people still don’t). Poutine has already clinched their division and end-of-season promotion but can move up to 5th with a victory and losses by the Hookers and Gremlins. They’ll have to deal with the absence of Charlotte and the fury of Zac who will be looking to a) lead his team to a 9th place finish and b) not get thrown out of the game. Will the OC pornstache make a comeback en route to what people in that industry would call “a spirited finish?” BTSH enthusiasts and confused perverts alike will be watching intently.