Hot For Teacher
by Mia
It’s been a few weeks since school let out for the summer. In this installment of 23 and Mia, some of our TEACHERS take time off from their time off to share what connects them.
Not only do they advance the puck, they advance humankind — they’re BTSH teachers. These fine folks selflessly toil through unnecessary roughness, attitudes and accidents on the courts and off. They’re making sure the future is not completely f*cked, and for that, we thank them. Meanwhile, they’re thanking themselves by grabbing summer by the balls. Roll call, please:
In attendance:
JJ from Cobra Kai – Teaches kindergarten and the cruel, cruel realities of life
Amy from Math – Doesn’t actually teach math, she teaches 8th Grade Humanities, which really means Social Studies + English
Ryan the Guy, from The Gremlins – Teaches 12th Grade AP Government and is an Assistant Principal of Social Studies
Absent (in Minnesota):
Ryann the Gal, from Fuzz – Taught 5th Grade Special Ed this past school year, but will be teaching technology to 1st – 8th graders next year
What are you most looking forward to during school’s off-season?
JJ: The slow and gradual end to work-related dreams/night terrors.
[Review: JJ shows sign of stress though thoroughly capable, especially when it comes to engaging with the students via music and art. Will have the guidance counselor keep an eye on him.]
Amy: Um… school’s off-season.
[Review: Incomplete. No goal.]
Ryan the Guy: Planning my wedding in Ireland and eating my face off in Chengdu before visiting Everest Base Camp and the Great Wall.
[Review: A+]
Ryann the Gal: Obviously, I’m looking forward to going to Minnesota and relaxing.
[Review: B as in “Bye Felicia! Gonna dress like the Buddha and drink beer on a boat.”]
Not everyone wants to ref at BTSH, but at school, you have to be the enforcer. What was a memorable offense and what was the punishment?
JJ: One day when I was reading a story to the critters, I got about halfway through when I hear this high-pitched voice saying, “Ping!..ping!..ping!” I look to my right, and sitting there with an elated grin on his face is one of the young gentlemen, his pants unbuttoned. He is gleefully flicking a proud boner, all the while accompanying —and encouraging said boner— with his distinctive “Ping!” The rest of the class was oblivious to this wanton display of exhibitionism, either because they were so enthralled with my gripping interpretation of Super Fudge (what I’d like to think), or more likely, they simply found nothing unusual or disturbing about another child in the room listening to the story “al fresco”. I casually and calmly requested for our free-spirited friend to “pull ‘em up” and then continued with the story.
Ping Ping Ping!
Amy: The great thing about teaching 8th graders is that they often have a sense of humor and know when they’re being annoying, so they’ll take you seriously when you give them a ridiculous consequence.
I had a kid this year who fit that description to a T – he was equal parts annoying and delightful. He tallied up a lot of offenses this year. I can’t remember what this particular offense was, but his punishment was that he had to research and write two paragraphs about the Swedish super-group Abba. Here’s an excerpt, grammar/spelling mistakes and all…
ABBA was a swedish pop band that made chart topping hits such as Dancing Queen And Mama Mia. The Name Is a conglomeration of the last initials of the artists last names.
… ABBA got there own movie. In 2008 they got “Mama Mia.” that movie later went to broadway as a play by the same name. Both featured music from the group and is one of the most recent projects the group has had after they split up in 1982.
In 2008 ABBA got Mama Mia.
Ryan the Guy: I wish this only happened once, but it didn’t. I’ve had to ask a number of students, “What does it mean when you wrote, ‘for more information click here.’”
Ryann the Gal: A kid peed his pants on the subway. I didn’t punish him, I snuck him out and told him not to tell him anyone, but he kept slipping up and telling people to go to the bathroom or they’d be like him.
In the infamous flick “The Breakfast Club”, high schoolers serve detention and learn there is a rebel, a princess, an outcast, a brain and a jock in all of us. We know you’re part jock, please choose the next two identities that make you.
How many times this past school year did you see kids doing The Floss?
JJ: More than I care to remember. Somehow, I have a feeling Cronauer might be pretty adept at it.
Amy: I don’t know what that is. Either because I’m a middle school teacher and I’m not cool enough, or, because The Floss is so old and uncool that my 8th graders would be like, “OMG, who does The Floss???”
Flossing is so cheesy.
Ryan the Guy: My kids are from Brooklyn. They don’t have time for flossing. But, I think Mia can get a floss on. [Editor’s Note: No.]
Ryann the Gal: OMG, I’d see it every morning! There’s a kid who had to take medicine each day and it made him really hyper. So, he’d floss then run away. Then he’d come back and do it again over and over till his meds kicked in. I know how to do it, my students taught me.
There are many great people in the league, but who is your teacher’s pet and why?
JJ: Russell (Big Russ), because I can always count on riling him up to deliver some quality and “cheap heat”-level chirps during a game.
Amy: Sam N! He’s just like my favorite 8th graders: he’s smart, a little bit of a troublemaker, and he knows how to turn on the charm.
Ryan the Guy: My pet knows who they are. If I told you, I would be a bad teacher. But, they are my pet because they stop all the balls, and they have a name you can’t spell, and they laugh a lot…even at my teacher jokes.
[Editor’s note: could they be your lovely fiancé and fellow Gremlin Maire, pronounced Mo-rah?]
Congratulations on sealing the deal, Captain Ryan!
Ryann the Gal: I guess I’d have to say Walsh, because he taught me about Cecil and Harambe. And he taught me about Friend’s Mountain.
How do you teach your kids that there is no “I” in TEAM.
JJ: I remind them that —while there is no “I” in TEAM— there is one in the title of a delightful game of swift and severe consequence known as “Run ‘Till You Puke”.
Amy: This seems like a spelling problem, in which case, I always tell kids the more you read, the better your vocabulary.
Ryan the Guy: My students learn that there is no “I” in team when I ask them to kneel on rice in the corner for making a spelling mistake. 🙁
Ryann the Gal: Wait, what? There isn’t an “I” in TEAM?! I’ve been teaching them how to spell it wrong this whole time!
Thank you teachers—see you next year! Or, next Sunday!