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2017 BTSH Award Nominations!!!

The final nominations were not easy to agree on.  The Awards Committee reviewed minutes of video tape, analyzed all the wild stats Alex came up with, went through a couple bottles of Everclear and deliberated for several seconds before paring down the list to only five BTSHers for each category.  And without further ado here they are.

Derek and Eli (Ambiguously Straight Duo) Award for Best Duo

• Herr Sisters
• Alex F from LBS and Gambling
• Alexa and Jeff from Fuzz
• Rich and Celibacy
• Hector and Eric from Rehabs and the 2017 All-Star Game

Rookie of the Year (male)

• Ramon from Gut Rot
• Campbell from Cobra Kai
• Matt from Instant Karma
• Zac from What The Puck
• Tarzan from Butchers

Rookie of the Year (female)

• Amanda from Sky Fighters
• Jenna from Corlears Hookers
• Carrie from Gouging Anklebiters
• Marcella from Gremlins
• Jade from Mega Touch

Bob W. Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence (Captain of The Year)

• Laura Mac from Tompkins Square Riots
• LJ and Liam from Cobra Kai
• Diane and Perko from Gut Rot
• Phil from Gouging Anklebiters
• Sena from Rehabs

Best Defense – male

• Brad from Denim Demons
• Creamy from Butchers
• Gabe from Fresh Kills
• Wes from Dark Rainbows
• Danilo from Corlears Hookers

Best Defense – female

• Cat from Dark Rainbows
• Amber from Rehabs
• Alyssa from Fuzz
• Nicole from Instant Karma
• Charlotte from Poutine Machine

Craig ‘Kentucky Wristwatch’ Lacombe Award – for flamboyance and extraordinary feats in goaltending

• Scott from What The Puck
• Mike ‘Sizzler’ Z from LBS
• Coach from Fuzz
• Zach from Denim Demons
• Dave from Mathematics

Sisters Before Misters Award for the team with the baddest females

• Tompkins Square Riots
• Fresh Kills
• Mathematics
• Rehabs
• Corlears Hookers

Most Underrated (male)

• Josh W from Dark Rainbows
• Dave F from Tompkins Square Riots
• Yuri from Mega Touch
• Mike M from Poutine Machine
• Hugh from Instant Karma

Most Underrated (female)

• Alexis from Sky Fighters
• Dana from Butchers
• Christina from Tompkins Square Riots
• Cathy from Gremlins
• Sarah M from Gouging Anklebiters

Upset of the Year

• Gut Rot defeating Fuzz during the regular season
• Riots defeating Gut Rot in the Playoff Opening Round
• Rich becoming League Commissioner
• Poutine Machine defeating LBS during the regular season

C Dubs Award for the player with the sweetest disposition

• Christina from Poutine Machine
• Greg from Sky Fighters
• Sarah from Fuzz
• Ed P from Gut Rot
• Ann from Filthier

Rachel Greene Award for Snark, Style, and Finesse

• Cheeky from Mega Touch
• Ali from LBS, Inc.
• Becca from Gut Rot
• Sena from Rehabs
• Sheena from Fresh Kills

Jamie Batu… Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Sneaker Hockey Photojournalism

• Jamie from Gremlins
• Tia from Dark Rainbows
• Bill from Corlears Hookers
• Greg A from Mexico
• Showtime from Rehabs

The Dan Hopper Award for Saddening

• Pete W and Angela V from Instant Karma
• Suvin from Filthier
• Natalie from Poutine Machine
• Newman from Fuzz & Free Agent List
• Jargon G from What The Puck
• Steph C from Mathematics
• Shaleen R from Mega Touch
• Gil from Fuzz
• Amber from Rehabs

3 Stars of the Season (as voted on by you, the BTSH voting public)

• VOTE NOW

BTSH Awards Committee

Congratulations to each of the nominees.  The winners will be announced LIVE during the end of season party at the Parkside Lounge this Sunday, October 29th.  The festivities kick-off around 6ish with plenty of drink specials to keep you believing everyone is beautiful.  We’ll see you there!

The results of the Quarterfinals are in and . . .

LBS, Inc. defeated Corlears Hookers 2-0 by clogging shooting lanes and feeling the effects of Scotty’s special cookies.  Afterwards they were nursing from sacks of wine and telling some wild tales.

Filthier narrowly escaped the clutches of Poutine Machine 1-0 by having just a wee bit more pep and a Gentleman.  Beers all around and a little pat-pat on their asses.

Rehabs defeated Fuzz.  But that’s about all we know.  As of this writing they were still arguing over a call.

Fresh Kills broke the hearts of Mathematics and their fan base 4-3 by paying off the ref that was managing the clock.  Longest under 30 seconds ever played in a sports game in America.

We are pleased to report that all breast were sparred today.

Next Sunday’s Semifinals match-ups:

8. LBS, Inc. at 1. Fresh Kills will be a rematch of last year’s Semifinals in which a ref stole the game for LBS, Inc.

4. Filthier at 2. Rehabs will be the third time they’ve faced off this season.  They split the earlier two.

NOTE: the Semifinals and Finals will be played next Sunday followed by the end of season party at Parkside Lounge.  More information will be released this week.

11. Fuzz at 2. Rehabs
by Isaac

FUZZ Opening Narrative: After a disappointing start to the season, the Fuzz have found their grove again and are arguably the best team in BTSH right now.

Richie in his natural environment: One hand on a shaft with balls smacking his forearm.

Why They’ll Win: Jeff.  Period.  We could stop right here and move on, but for those of you that haven’t witnessed his game over the past 2-3 months this is for you.  He’s operating on a level above anyone in the league right now.  As soon as he scores, or sets up the opening goal, he drops back into his new office – mid rink.  Against the Gremlins he gobbled up everything that came near the middle and fed it right back to his forwards.  Nobody is playing with more determination and focus then him right now.

Why They’ll Lose: Yeah, there is an argument to be made that they have leapfrogged Fresh Kills as the new playoff favorite, but we can’t get past the elephant in the room – Fuzz’s history.  And not just against the Rehabs (which isn’t great), but last year they got this far and ran into a brick wall.  Plus Jeff can’t play the whole game and Rich has to eventually sneak on for a couple of shifts.

If Joey shows up for the game then all bets are off.

REHABS Opening Narrative: Have you heard?  They are the defending champs.

Why They’ll Win: They have the talent and depth to beat you multiple different ways.  The offensive onslaught of Alex, Cherie, Kyle and sometimes Showtime are enough to put any team in this league on their heels.  But add in Sena, who isn’t just one dimensional as a defense-person, but also a formidable forward, plus Amber who’s a puck moving defense-person with a lethal shot from any angle – and this team just scares the hell out of you.  And we haven’t even mentioned Eric in net.

Why They’ll Lose: This is a different Fuzz team than the one they faced during the regular season.  We’ve seen the Rehabs overcome adversity before, but they’ve never faced anything like this.  If the Fuzz can get an early 2 goal lead then, well, see above for details.

Prediction: An instant classic that goes to OT with the Fuzz moving on 4-3.

12. Mathematics at 1. Fresh Kills
by Sultan

MATH Opening Narrative: Math finished 8-10 and actually had a shot to move up to the Soko (or whatever the top division is called) Division. While two games under .500 doesn’t seem great, think about all the players they lost. Cherie and her brother James (who prob was the 2nd best player in the league next to Gabe), Amber, Batista, Roxy, Steph, Derk, Nathan, am I missing anyone? Probably. Then they knock off Cobra Kai?!?!? I hate Sam Norris as much as the next guy, but this team is a T-E-A-M, TEAM.

Respect.

Why They’ll Win: Dave rushes back from Philly, and makes the game. He has his A-Game. As I found out the best way, when Dave won Cecil(e) and Harmabe a World Championship in OC, he is one of the best in BTSH. He can shut down anyone. But more than that, Math needs to play short shifts and hustle back on D. Yes FK skill is going to cause openings, but if you limit them and clear all rebounds, they have a punchers shot.

Why They’ll Lose: Fresh Kills is a thousand times better than them for starters. Also, other dimwits like Walker would say, “He Sultan, Math finished 8-7-3, not 8-10 dummy.” No you stupid idiot, losses are losses and clearly Math sucks in OT and shootouts. So they will need to win in regulation, which they won’t because FK has literally no bad players. Just bad people. (Like that kid Andrew….no offense.)

Ariel is to Fresh Kills what Marcelo is to Real Madrid.

FRESH KILLS Opening Narrative: They were one win away from perfection. James P. shootout goal will forever haunt this franchise if they win the championship. And every three years they do. 2008, 2011*, 2014, 2017???? (Soko knows why 2011 comes with an asterisk. I’m too classy to publicly say it. But it involves the Elves two best players not showing up for our semi-final game. Hmmm…I guess I wasn’t too classy.)

Why They’ll Win: The team doesn’t panic. They could be down 2 or 3 goals and they’d have the same demeanor. They also arguably have 4 of the top guys in the league in Gabe, Ariel, Frank and Tom. But the key thing is they literally have no weaknesses. There is not one player you can exploit. All their girls are solid, and their non-superstar guys are as steady as they come.

Why They’ll Lose: Apparently Gabe is not good at squatting or deadlifting. Can Sheena deadlift more than you Gabe? I hope not, that would be shameful. Not because she’s a girl, just because it’s Sheena. Oh right, that has nothing to do with them losing. But I have to kill space since I literally cannot think of one reason why they will lose.

Prediction: Cindrella dies an ugly death. It’s 3-0 10 minutes in and FK coasts to a pedestrian 6-1 victory. Ehhhh make it 5-1.  Also, their game takes a lot shorter time than the Fuzz/Rehabs game and their whole team is watching the end of that game.

7. Poutine Machine at 4. Filthier
by JW

POUTINE MACHINE Opening Narrative:  Poutine won their division this year, and upset the Butchers last week in the Round of 16.

Why They’ll Win: Steadfast defense, and playing smart as a team. Also, Suvin and Dennis will not be present for Filthier.

Why They’ll Lose:  Charlotte’s broken foot.  Ann cherry picking for Filthier.  James P., period.

James plays likes greased up with Vaseline to slip through any tough situation.

FILTHIER Opening Narrative:  Filthier move the puck better than possibly any other team in the league. They have suffered some devastating personnel loses this season, but that doesn’t seem to be slowing them down.

Why They’ll Win: Charlotte’s broken foot.  Ann cherry picking in front.  Tim K., period.

Why They’ll Lose:  Tim K. forgets he isn’t playing a game for the Shortis, and thus is just chilling out next to the net watching old episodes of Perfect Strangers on his phone and not even paying attention to the game.

Prediction: In the biggest upset of the playoffs thus far, Poutine pulls this one out in OT, 4-3. Jerome gets the goal.

You heard it here first.

8. LBS, Inc. (2017: 11-5-0-2, 24 pts.) at 3. Corlears Hookers (2017: 13-4-1, 27 pts.)
by Jerome

Preamble
These teams are literally toe-to-toe at one another if looking at a general postseason record: each team has won it all once and fallen short twice in the Tompkins era. Even their 2017 season record cannot adequately paint a picture of how sh*t hits the fan when playoffs arrive because, literally very few have attempted doing so.

Why LBS., Inc.?
Los blancos have the cojones to start and end games with the same kind of heart, moxy, and now muscle (I’m looking at you, dude in the Blink-182 shirt). Something about a group of white shirts rushing at you is akin to having someone suffocate you with a white towel (of chloroform)… yes, their press is quite strong. Their players have shown speed (Dustin, even Lizzie B.), stickhandling (Arya, Luke), and veteran presence (Ali, Tommy, Karsten, and Sascha), elements of an all-around team. I have a feeling they won’t crumble under duress as much as their opposition will, but their top priority is to protect their goalie, who isn’t physically very big. Despite a 3-1 loss to them in W8, and a close encounter with Puck in the sweet sixteen, they’ll take an asymptotic route to breaching rule 1—but never doing it—which we’ll appreciate, for sure. My own experience playing this team? Yes, they can be physical, but they’re certainly smart about it.

Tiffany and Danilo are the reasons why for the Hookers.

Why the Hookers?
Their internal rebranding—mostly Cro’s doing—leads us to think they bang to the beat of their own drum, and they don’t mind all the criticism. A handful of members having left the Dark Rainbows much to Tia shrugging it off, their mentality is of a “no wins, no party” kind. Fortunately for them, emerging third in the league’s season record meant they could drink as much as they want after games. But why should Putka’s progeny prosper? Excellent goaltending (T-4^th goals against, season), a postseason Cro brace, as well as female (Tiffany, Sarah, Noelle) and male depth (Bill, Danilo) all account for team success so far. But with such a close call for the #3 seed from a nail-biter with the Anklebiters last Sunday, a little bit of hockey god conjuring might be necessary. My own experience playing this team? They’re quite physical, and they’ll play to the whistle, which will be the key.

The prediction
Assuming the refs are on top of the game, Dustin will sink a couple past Longwell. Cro and Tiffany will get one each and force extra time, where Longwell, much to the consternation of the Heckle Wall™, stands on his head and poke checks the third and final LBS’ shooter, ensuring him a ticket to the semis. Advantage to the Hookers, 3-2.

BTSHers! It’s that time of year again!  Time to vote on who you think the 3 Stars of the 2017 season were!

(Ok, we only did this once before, and it was in 2015.)

But we’re doing it again! Every BTSHer has the opportunity to vote for who they believe the 3 Stars of 2017 were.

You each get 3 votes – one vote for each star. Votes are weighted, meaning that whoever you vote to be 1st star gets 3 points toward their final tally, your 2nd star gets 2 points toward their tally, and your 3rd star gets 1 point toward their tally. You can vote for anyone in the league. Your reasoning as to why they were a star of the season can be anything.

Use the Google form below (kindly created by Alex F., between his prolonged stints of gambling and viewing clown pornography. Thanks Alex!) to cast your votes.  It’s just as easy as it seems.

Voting closes at 6pm on Friday 10/27.

The winners will be announced at the end of the season party/BTSH media awards on Sunday October 29th! (At Parkside Lounge, immediately following the championship game between the Gremlins and Instant Karma.)

https://docs.google.com/forms/d/11ZXQ8XBE7KgCG6D0nng1VhP9aO-yS7WgA255Ttn5DB0