btsh.org

Third Star
Luck of the Hookers
by Sultan

Once again, Sarah is open.

The Anklebiters vs Hookers game was clearly the Game of the Week. Anklebiters came out strong and took an early 1-0 lead when Coco buried a loose ball. Cro silenced their many fans watching by tying the game shortly after.  Early in the second half the Biters scored two quick ones to take a seemingly commanding 3-1 lead. The Hookers were in disarray. Someone wisely called a timeout and speeches were given. Jeff K. told everyone to stop worrying about the refs and focus on the game.

The timeout immediately worked as a few shifts later the game was tied. The large Anklebiter crowd was despondent. The game went to overtime and by this point, everyone was watching.

The underdog Anklebiter team without Dehro, without Joe P. was just one goal away from a massive upset. But Cro put home the winner and Bill L. proudly waved the American flag.

Big ups go to the Biters, but the star goes to Cro and his Hookers.

P.S. Before you let this get to your head Cro, Sara was wide open on a 2 on 1 and you shot instead of passed. This game never needed to go to OT if you would have just looked up you heel.

Second Star
Ferocity of Poutine Machine
by Isaac

Not a looker in the bunch.

Never underestimate the resiliency of a team that plays as a complete unit.  You would think that the league would have figured out by now, in the playoffs, that Poutine’s successful season was no fluke.  Following the lead of their co-captain, BSA, the Poos out-hustled, out-positioned and out-worked the Butchers to a frustrating degree.  Several times throughout the game Christina tracked down loose balls in the offensive zone and went one-on-one with opposition’s top defender.  Those clashes produced takeaways, forced bad dumps, and gave her teammates enough time to recover.  As good as RJ was in net, earning his first playoff win and shutout, this star goes to the whole Poo Nation.

First Star
J-Po’s Left Breast
by Arya Stark

Ouchie.

Hockey is a game of sacrifice.  About the name on the front of the jersey, not the name on the back.  About giving up your body for the good of your team, even if your team is down by like a bajillion goals.  On Sunday, Jenn found herself in this exact position and decided to make the ultimate sacrifice.  Facing the business end of a Cherie slapshot, she stood tall (well, as tall as a 5’0 girl can stand) and gave up what is possibly her most prized possession, taking a heater straight to the left breasticle.  It was an impressive display of leadership and self-sacrifice, inspiring for her teammates and especially satisfying for me personally.  For you see, a group of esteemed league members (plus one Disney villain) went to Ocean City on the Tuesdaymorning before the tourney because apparently we are degenerates and spent the first two nights in said villain’s uncle’s hotel by the boardwalk.  Wednesday night at approximately 2:30 AM, I was en route back to our suite with two incredibly classy females from Seacrets, where all the incredibly classy OC ladies reside.  Upon getting in the elevator I realized that I didn’t have my room key on me.  Told the girls it was no problem, got upstairs and started banging on the door as if my life depended on it because, in that moment, it sure seemed like it did.  And just as I began contemplating whether public nudity is considered a felony or misdemeanor in the state of Maryland (thankfully my attorney was present to clarify I would have probably gone to jail), Hoggystyle, bless his soul, woke up and opened the door to let us in.  Sweet relief washed over me like rain but alas, it was fleeting, for the first thing we saw as soon as we walked in the room was Jenn, passed out sitting on the couch with that same left breast just hanging out and enjoying the breeze.  Needless to say, the girls were shocked.  Hogg, for his part, took it in stride and said this had been the situation for over an hour.  His attempts at normalizing this ridiculous situation and pulling off what would have been an all-time wingmanning were unfortunately for naught.  One girl left immediately, the other stayed for not nearly long enough.  All because of that damn breast.

Jenn actually had the audacity to claim I actually owe her some debt of gratitude for saving me from a nasty bout of herpes.  I mostly disagree.  But one thing is beyond dispute: en route to a resounding victory, Cherie avenged my scorned OC sex life.  Thank you Cherie.  People in BTSH don’t use this word enough, but you are a true hero.  Oh, and the breast, about whom this write-up was originally intended.  Stay strong.

*JPo was informed of this honor and approves this message.

**Cheeky saw a picture of one of the girls and felt comfortable telling me that she is probably awful in bed anyway.  Great friends I have.

**When I responded to a June email inviting me to “write for the simmering inferno that is the BTSH website,” I definitely never imagined that I would one day pen 540 words on Jenn’s left breast.

Honorable mentions:

Tim K from Filthier and Coach from Fuzz for posting shutouts during their games.  Tim and Coach did everything from standing on their heads to tending bar and serving drinks while their teams worked their arses off.  Nice job boys.

ACE Bar. Like hockey, BTSH is the mistress ACE just can’t seem to quit.  Despite our brief breaks she keeps welcoming us back with open arms.  We missed you baby. 

BTSHers,

The end of season party will be on Sunday, October 29th at the Parkside Lounge following the Championship Game between Fresh Kills and Fuzz.  The festivities begin around 6 pm with grub (possibly pizza or something of equal or greater value) and suds (drink tickets – maybe – we hope).  The Awards Show will kick-off around 7:30ish and be hosted again this year by the lovely Diana M and charming Sam N.

You’ll have to suffer through a speech by this guy, but at least you’ll be able to look at Sam.

So SAVE THE DATE, get ready to call out sick on Monday morning and we’ll see you all there!

Best,
BTSH Media Crew

P.S. the Award Categories and Nominees will be posted early next week.

Cheers!

Hello fine people of BTSH and Gremlins, when you click the, “Read More” you will find the schedule. I’m saving my don’t be an asshole and join an exhibition game you weren’t invited to for next week.

Unfortunately, it drizzled something nasty last Sunday so Mr. Met decided there would be no hockey.

This man means there is no hockey

Read the rest of this entry »

by Sultan

Third Star
Bob W., Adriano, Tim B., Danielle, you…the BTSH Universe

It isn’t a joke. Rain Fears is a real thing you’ll eventually have to deal with. – Adriano

There were no Rain Fears during the Sultan’s watch. Every other Commissioner/Sultan had Rain Fears, but not me. Do you know how much I was going to brag about that? I was going to be insufferable! This was going to be bigger than the 2010 Elves Championship and my goal against Tim K. combined! I was having T-shirts made up. During my brief reign we had the first JW Tournament, a Prom and a women’s scrimmage that discriminated against every man unless you were a goalie…you all would have hated me! But alas, stupid Rain Fears ruined my glory. Smited again.

Second (NOT A) Star
Charlotte Poutine

Deciding whether to cancel the games or not was hard. We really needed to know how the courts looked. Charlotte lives close enough so I asked her if she could check it out for me and the league. In an unbelievable selfish move she refused to come back from Maine. Or was it New Hampshire? Are they the same thing? I would think Maine because their lobsters trump New Hampshire. But I digress. Charlotte had a chance to be a real hero, but instead she was busy mocking us with her 2016 Rookie of the Year trophy she stole from Alyssa. For shame Charlotte, for shame!

First Star
Tompkins Square Riots

We were having an uninterrupted season until this guy showed up.

There was not a single person who thought the Riots would not be eliminated on October 8th.  Well, maybe Max C., who begged the BTSH Universe for advice on how to beat Fresh Kills. And with expert advice from Russ and Zac, plus Mr. Met, the Riots survived another week. Kudos to them and shame on the overrated Fresh Kills. Time to get on the Cobra Kai bandwagon because clearly, FK has jumped the shark.

Honorable mentions:
by Isaac

David R from the Demons for documenting the current state of the courts on Sunday by posting timely photos on FB.  He accomplished something that Charlotte could not.

Conspiracy Theory: Seems oddly convenient that our Sultan would cancel games with his team desperately needing an additional week to get healthy.  Yes, the Rain Fears have dominated this Stars post, but for the record it stopped raining around noon and there was only an overcast for the remainder of the day.  If Hicks plays this Sunday and the Fuzz win we may have to stamp it with an asterisk.  #gogremlins

Sweet 16 Box Scores

Never forget. – Abby M.

Mega Toubows 14 – 17 Instant Rot

Mega Toubows: Julie (x7), Joe, Yuri, Larry (x2), Olivier, Tia (x2), Brady (x2), Cheeky (-2)
Instant Rot: Akhil (x5), Scott (x3), Heather, Lisa (x3), Matt (x2), Diane (x3)
Goalie Win: Michel L. (1)

Gouging Anklebiters 5 – 4 Corlears Hookers

Biters: Probie (x4), Cheekbones
Hookers: Bill (x2), Tiff (x2), Danilo (x3), Bumptious Chump (-3)
Goalie Win: Timmy Baby (1)
Recap: A clean game that turned nasty in the second half when a Hooker (guess who) made a derogatory comment that ignited the Biters.   After burning their bras it was all ‘Nobody puts Cheekbones in a corner’ as she buried the GWG with mere seconds left on the clock.

Tompkins Square Riots 3 – 2 Fresh Kills

Riots: Suz (x2), Barch (OG)
Fresh Kills: Sheena, Tom
Goalie Win: Dave GDR (1)
Recap: Gabe and Ariel were shamed by their better halves into going apple picking and missed the game. But we’re not sure it would have made a difference. Dave and the Riots did work and Suz went effing H.A.M. on Fresh Kills.

Sky Fighters 3 – 5 Filthier

Sky Fighters: Mike T, Unregister Ringer (x2)
Filthier: James (x2), Kate, Ann (-1), Sunny, Shafiq (x2), JJ
Goalie Win: Tim K (1)
Recap: A player BTSH has never seen or heard of before scored two goals in her first shift prompting Filthy to collectively go, ‘WTF?!’ In the second half, after things had settled down, Filthy spread the love around despite Ann being in the crease and cruised to the next round

Denim Demons 1 – 6 Rehabs

Demons: Josh
Rehabs: Alex, Cherie (x4), Ramy
Goalie Win: Eric (1)
Recap: It is difficult to keep Josh off of the scoring sheet, but it is nearly impossible to accomplish it against Cherie. She reminded us all what a once in a generation talent she is as she almost single handedly won the game for the Rehabs.

What The Puck 1 – 4 LBS, Inc.

Pucks: Hogg
LBS: Luke, Jake, Klion (x2)
Goalie Win: Sizzler (1)
Recap: With under two minutes to play in a game that was already over Ball Hogg scored and raced to center court to hug and celebrate himself. Arya pointed to the scoreboard while also directing LBS to the next round.

Fuzz 2 – 5 Gremlins

Fuzz: Jeff (x2), Miles, Sarah, Sultan (-2)
Gremlins: Erich, Marcella, Cody (x3)
Goalie Win: Batuwantudawe (1)
Recap: As much love as the Sultan has for BTSH he continues to be a heel for his own team. Cody on the other hand broke out of his slump at the right time and Jamie was Jamie.

Mathematics 3 – 5 Cobra Kai

Maths: Sam, Sarah, Justin
Evil Dojo: Will (x4), LJ
Goalie Win: Campbell (1)
Recap: Without Will what kind of team would Cobra Kai be? That is the exact question Math and their fanbase were asking during the game. Unfortunately they’ll have to wait for another time to find out… Derek silently got up from his couch, walked out to the corner and poured some for his fallen homies.

Butchers 4 – 2 Poutine Machine

Butchers: Dave (x2), Dana, Georgine
#poonation: BSA, Peltsie, Nat, Hornswoggle (-1)
Goalie Win: Tim B (1)
Recap: The mighty-fighting-poos burst out of the gate and controlled most of the flow of the first half, but ran out of gas in the second. Dave ran past everyone and lead his team to a date with LBS (we think).