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13. Sky Fighters at 4. Filthier
by Sultan

Sky vs. Filthier is the best match up of the weekend. Lets go over the match-ups.

Men: If you were starting a team, Mike T. or James P. would be two of the first people anyone took (that cares about winning). While you would think Filthier has the upper edge after the two superstars, I’m not so sure. Sonny, Shaq, Jeff’s friend Mike are all solid but Olivier, Greg, Roman and that other dude are good too.

In the end, Mike T. is better than James offensively, and James is better defensively.

Edge: Slight edge Filthier.

Women: What is it Kate and Ann vs. Alexis and Caroline?

Edge: Slight edge Sky but not by much.

Goalies: Tim K. vs. the Ghost of James Stein? Who knows if Stein will show or not. But even if he does, Tim K., is the best goalie in the league so I’ll go with him. (Even though in retrospect Tia drafted him too early in the Annual JW Walker Draft.)

Edge: Sky Fighters.

Legends: Martin and Hopper vs. Denis and Suvin. Martin was the best player in BTSH history until Gabe came along. Meanwhile, Denis is the best power forward in BTSH history. Many say Suvin only achieved success because of Ann and James, so I’m going to have to go with the SF here.

Edge: Sky Fighters.

Style of play: If Suvin and Denis were still playing, I would give the edge to Filthier. I love how the winger without the ball cuts to the center. But their gone.

Meanwhile the Sky Fighters are pretty boring. Get the ball, dump it deep, eventually get it to Mike, quick shot on net. Boring but highly effective.

Edge: Filthier.

Prediction: Sky never scores more than 3 and less than 2. That won’t change. 2-1 Sky Fighters. Maybe 3-2. But 0% chance more than 5 goals is scored in this game.

11. Fuzz at 6. Gremlins
by Emeritus

In this corner: Fuzz (9-7-2, +3 goal differential), finished 11th in total points.

The road so far: Disappointing, considering they finished first overall in the 2016 regular season.  But after a five-game losing streak to close out the first half of the season, Fuzz rang up a 6-2-1 record in the second half, with the only two regulation losses coming to Fresh Kills (#1 seed) and the Rehabs (#2 seed).

The history books: In a word, thin. Fuzz’s inaugural season ended sooner than expected with a quarterfinal loss to the Sky Fighters.  And the Elves history doesn’t really factor in here, because the Elves and Fuzz are two completely different teams…except for that time Fuzz lost to Gut Rot on Elves Appreciation Day.

Injury report: Brian Hicks is out with a broken ank– By God! That’s Brian Hicks’ music! What is he doing here? He’s not supposed to be back until April!

One player to watch: Sig.  He gets lost in the shuffle sometimes because other Fuzz stars have bigger profiles, but he’s just as critical to their success and can play both offense or defense as needed.

Key Number: Fooooouuurrrrr! The number of games Fuzz won (against zero losses) when Richie was either suspended or at a poker tournament.  Hmmmm…

Dominant narrative: No team seeded 11 or lower has ever won the championship, but Fuzz has the offensive firepower to change that.  Jeff finished second in the league with 18 goals on the season, Gil can still light the lamp regularly, Hicks led the Gremlins in goals two years ago, and Ryann has a nose for the net.

The big question: Can Fuzz win despite missing some key personnel?  Miles and Paul are definitely out Sunday, and while Walsh is free of his Instant Karma commitments with their loss to the Demons last week, he might be out as well.

Bandwagon-ability: Plenty of room.  Right now the Fuzz bandwagon consists of us, Derek, Luisa, Gil’s son, Gil’s other son, Gil’s son’s dad, and BSA.  Get on board now before the train leaves the station.

One good reason not to root for them: #NotMySultan

In this corner (but hopefully not near a fence): Gremlins (12-4-2, +26 goal differential), finished 6th in total points.

The road so far: Bumpy early, with a couple of one goal losses to Filthier and Cobra Kai.  Smooth since, with a lot of wins, including a season sweep of the Corlears Hookers and a 3-2 win against Fuzz in Week 8.

The history books: They haven’t made a lot of noise in the playoffs, with their biggest, and possibly only, win (and a controversial one at that) coming against the Demons in 2015.  The Unicorns history doesn’t count here either (see Fuzz/Happy Little Elves).

Injury report: Marcella was injured earlier in the year but is fine now, and Luke has been injured for years.

One player to watch: Alex Rockoff. And this is high praise because the designation came from an unnamed Fuzz player.  He or she didn’t know Alex’s name, but described him fairly well (really good player, was on Thin Mints in Ocean City).

Key Number: 26. This is Jamie’s +/- rating (maybe off by a goal or two because of an empty net goal or a missed game). Surely that is better than Walker’s, and Jamie gets more playing time, too.

Dominant narrative: Very few people realize that the Gremlins were an offensive juggernaut this year, finishing with 62 goals on the year, which is three more than Fuzz scored.  Erich led the team with 15, Cody chipped in 12, and Marcella and Alex both finished with 8.  And they still play solid defense, too.

The big question: How do Ryan, Maire, and Rod define upstate New York?  Because Walker’s definition is wrong and we don’t want his teammates being misled.

Bandwagon-ability: Any team that Jamie has subbed for is already on board, so it’s pretty full, and might even be overloaded and taking on too much weight.

One good reason not to root for them: #MySultan

Prediction: We’re already on the Fuzz bandwagon.  5-3 in favor of Fuzz, you stupid idiot!

10. Butchers at 7. Poutine Machine
by Nancy Thompson 

Poutine is the higher seed, but make no mistake: The Butchers are the favorite in this game.

They won the 2nd division this year, and are moving up to the 1st division next year for what I believe is the first time in team history.

Keys to the Game for Poutine Machine:

• Start talking to Rachel about fantasy football when she has the puck. She’ll start blathering on and on about it, and the puck will be yours.
• Cover Pete…Dave…Jimmy…Arthur…Creamy…the list goes on…yeah, you have your work cut out for you.
• Find MDF’s glove. She’ll be so grateful to you that she’ll start shooting the puck into her own net.
• Break Burke’s goalie pad strap again. That really messed him up a few weeks back.
• Don’t leave Dana or Georgine open in front of the net. They’ll burn you.
• Hope that Arnold is off playing ultimate and cannot make the game.
• Unbreak Charlotte’s foot. You really need her for this game.
• Get Natalie back from California. You also need her for this game.

Keys to the game for the Butchers:

• Remind Jo Jo that she should be marathon training instead of playing hockey. She’ll immediately leave the game and Poutine will be shorthanded.
• Keep an eye on Jerome’s feet, he uses them to maneuver the puck much more than is necessary. (It isn’t soccer, Jerome.)
• Tell Mikey that he and Dave are racing again, as happened during the all-star game. Set the time for the same time as this game…….set the location as somewhere in Staten Island.
• Get Christina angry. This isn’t about the game, I just want to see if it’s possible.
• Don’t give Jon space to carry the puck up. First, learn who Jon is.
• (Insert something about Sullivan here.)

Prediction: In one of the tightest matchups of the day, the Butchers prevail, 4-3.

#9 What the Puck (10-7-1, 21 pts.; L/W/W/L/W) at #8 LBS, Inc. (10-5-0-2, 22 pts.; W/W/SO/W/W)
by Hornswoggle

Preamble

On Sunday night, the paltry but satisfactorily drunken audience will be viewing a match and hoping they’ll hit the local creamery for an orange vanilla cream swirl posthaste. Los blancos taking on Orange Crush in probably one of the most physical but fairest postseason showdowns (aside from Fizz’s clash and the Southeast Sultan Smush or whatever we call it now) will be an entertaining one except if you’re on either side.

The teams

In this corner: The “all about biznass” version of Isaac, d/b/a “Hoggystyle” (I prefer “Hoggswoggle”), the sweet Captain Em, and HRH Michaliga… and company.

The road so far: They haven’t done a bad job rebuilding. Since acquiring Noah and Ainslie, they’ve added depth and simultaneously reporting consistent attendance while giving division winners Poutine Machine a run for its money until the penultimate game of the season.

The history books: Despite the same branding, this squad no longer features legends like Corey “Chongo” and Romeo (who took his mates to the championship final in his retirement year), but brandishes youthful—as well as youthful-looking—personnel that can collaboratively shut down opposition. In the Tompkins era, Puck has won it all just once, so with a side seeded squarely in the middle of the sixteen, they could be the sleeper team that makes it far.

Injury report: Unknown at the moment. Given the physical game this oughta be, bumps and bruises are inevitable as only one side will thrive.

One player to watch: Besides Hoggystyle? I’ll go for Marisa. Taking after Walker with the helmet, I feel that anyone with a helmet playing defense shouldn’t be messed around with. (I ended the sentence with a preposition, John; sue me)

Key number: 0. Puck has 6 shutouts for the season. Although a different mentality pervades the postseason, that’s not to say a grudge match will involve a boatload of goals.

Dominate narrative: Puck is all about having an “in your face” gameplay akin to the gegenpresse. If possession is something you favor, anyone in orange will test you quickly and often. Relentlessness helped give opposition goose eggs for scorelines.

The big question: Is Scotty ready for a postseason with a different team?

Bandwagon ability: Hoggystyle’s slight attribution to Poutine’s Brian “Brian Sullivan Alert” Sullivan prior to the 1^st Annual Walkar Tournament had heads swiveling. Had he honored someone more notable… like Bob “Olmec” W. when naming his team, he would’ve had received gold stars, accolades, and brownie points to help boost his standing. Meanwhile, let’s give the benefit of the doubt to them because Susie and Claire are very nice and you’d definitely want to root for them (and their team, too)!

One good reason not to root for them: You’re probably jealous of their goaltending. Their biggest losses were against the Hookers and Rehabs, but when you have stacked sides like those two, can you really blame them for those losses? Six shutouts—that’s a lot.

***

In this corner: Polo shirts, pleated skirts, and a whole lotta moxy. Not to mention one dude who loves screaming ‘till his lungs burst just to push his team out his own half. Welcome the Sterling symbols.

The road so far: They’ve won the championship in 2015 (someone please verify?), much to the consternation of the famed Heckle Wall™ that has done such a great job in trolling anyone crossing its path. This year, being in the first division, Karsten’s kids went through a rough start without having a consistent goalie, but they smoothed things out as the season progressed, going 6-0-1 in their last seven.

The history books: I honestly don’t remember any other color LBS. (Inc.) players wore in the pre-Tompkins era. It’s been traditionally all-white, just as the Madridistas represented King Alfonso XIII of Spain in 1920 and it’s been that way ever since.

Injury report: There was quite a scare when, in the season’s homestretch, Scott K. (oops, I wrote his name down!) reserved himself from playing due to a lower body injury. That situation is, I assume, resolved and he can get into the postseason without any setbacks. Because what would be better than to be yelled at by your teammate than being yelled at by your teammate who’s actually on the court playing on a line with you?

One player to watch: The obvious choice for me would have been Luke, but given his inconsistent attendance this season, I’m going for Mr. Arya Stark himself. Definitely showing his mitts and tenacity in scrimmage as well as being a reliable two-way player, it would be difficult for Puck if they ignored him.

No, no. I take that back. Lizzie B. She’s the most attractive lady in the league. #swoon #notbiased

Key number: 3. The regulation losses this season involve the opposition netting at least three goals.

Dominate narrative: Last year, LBS. had the opportunity to do what no team has done in the Tompkins era, which was to win two championships consecutively. Much like the identity through the threads, the team’s mindset, too, doesn’t change. They’re ruthless and they’ll dog their opponent to get the W. At least that’s what comes to mind when Scott yells. Also, because their logo is synonymous with money, which is synonymous with business, we know the amount of scrupulousness that will transpire in order for them to maximally “profit” (win) by making a few (Puck) suffer in the process.

The big question: Will Klion show up to the game on time? Does Scott’s normal voice exceed 130 dB.

Bandwagon ability: This is hard to process; they’ve already won a championship and it’s understandable that they want to keep on winning. And every other team is pretty much on the outside looking in. This is why I say the Heckle Wall™ is a great democratic instrument on who deserves to get far. Like ‘em? No? Then boo them. Yes? Cheer for them. I hate to write it, but in order for anyone to jump on the LBS. Inc. wagon, either Arya will have to be super nice/less critical of other teams in his future write-ups and/or Scott will have to cheer on other teams the way he does with his own. At least he does it for Poutine… because he and Nic are two peas in a pod, for what it’s worth.

One good reason not to root for them: I’m speculating that if y’all have secret Instagram accounts and upload pics of your Audemars watches, private jets, or even a Ferrari F12tdf, I am not gonna root for you. #rkoi

Prediction: Sizzlers early playoff jitters give the Pucks a comfortable two goal lead, but in the second it is the Luke show as he pounds 4 past Scotty. LBS moves to the tune of 5-3.

 

18. Tompkins Square Riots at 1. Fresh Kills
by Fawn de Coques and Lord Bungalow Huggington-Cementmixer

Dear Max,

In response to your question posted on Facebook, “What are the keys to beating Fresh Kills?”, from our years of experience, we straight don’t know. But if we were to hazard a guess, it would be the following:

• Cripple Gabe the night before the game, Tonya Harding style. Rumor has it he hurt his arm rollerblading… maybe you can use that, wink wink.
• Send cryptic text messages in Russian to Dave and Ariel, hoping they get arrested by the Department of Homeland Security (although this could backfire and result in Trump winning a second term).
• Tell Sheena there is a hawk eating a bird somewhere near by. She’ll be entranced for hours. Unfortunately you will also lose Suz this way.
• Hire James ‘the Gentleman’ Pereira to kick Barch in the head during a shootout (ideally before the game).
• Have Joe do that thing where he is super fast and good at hockey.
• We’d recommend that you, Max, try to score some goals.
• Use Dr. Jones’s Foucauldian powers of deconstruction to substantiate a belief among the referees that goal-scoring is antithetical to victory and hope that they award the win to the team with fewer goals.
• Dave GdR. Period.

Good luck!

Sincerely,
Ann Slanders

P.S. Fresh Kills, kindly ignore the above and try to lose.

Prediction: Fresh Kills 9, Tompkins Square Riots 0. Sorry. We wish we didn’t think this.

17. Denim Demons at 2. Rehabs
by Isaac

The Rehabs begin their quest for the PBR Cup in same place as last season, but this year’s journey was quite different. After ascending to the premier division many predicted that they would struggle to pick up points and avoid regulation. However, they quieted their critics by acquiring top shelf offensive talent and finding creative ways to win games. It is difficult now not to predict good fortune for them and that they’ll find themselves defending their crown in the Finals.

The Demons on the other hand found themselves in an unfamiliar position at the end of a season they’d surely like to forget. Used to high playoff seeds, rubbing elbows with the class of LBS or Fresh Kills and kicking someone when they are down, my how the tables have turned. But if this past Sunday taught us anything about today’s Demons, they seem to have figured out that it isn’t how you start, but how you finish.

Prediction: The game stays tight throughout the first half, but eventually the wheels explode of the Demons and Rehabs bowl their way to a 4-1 victory.

14. Gouging Anklebiters at Corlears Hookers
by Arya Stark

In this corner: The Gouging Anklebiters, an underrated 14 seed with a 7-8-3 overall record and -15 goal differential.

The road so far: The Biters have been impossible to predict all year.  They opened the season with three losses, two of which came in overtime (still losses).  Then they reeled off three impressive wins over LBS, Butchers and Cobra Kai, briefly looking like one of the best teams in the league.  This was followed by a two month, seven game losing streak which had them briefly facing relegation.  They rebounded down the stretch to finish 4-1 in their last five, with the only loss coming to the defending champion Rehabs.

The history books: The Anklebiters finished 9th last season and were eliminated in the quarterfinals by the eventual champion Rehabs.

Injury report: None that I know of except all their livers are fucked.

One player to watch: Probie will need to carry the mail on offense but the most important matchup is between the pipes.  Two of the league’s best will face off as Timmy will have to keep pace with Longwell every step of the way to keep the Biters in a game where they may struggle to hold possession.

Key number: 7 – The number of people (out of 28) who chose the 14th seeded Biters to win this game in the Playoff Pick’Em.  Surprisingly, this was more people than chose the 6th seeded Gremlins or 7th seeded Poutine to advance in their respective match ups.

Dominant narrative: Probie is out for blood and ready to go into beast mode in this game.  Sources report that he’s been drinking plenty of fluids, watching game film and seeing Lance Armstrong’s doctor in preparation for this game.  Will his best efforts be enough against a stingy defense and elite goaltender?

The big question: Can the Biters’ speed overcome the Hookers’ depth?  And what percentage of this team will be sober for puck drop?

Bandwagon-ability: High.  A low seed with alcoholic tendencies playing against a division winner led by a Disney villain.

One good reason not to root for them: You wagered a large sum of money on the Hookers.

And In this corner: The Corlears Hookers who finished third overall on the strength of a 13-4-1 record and +30 goal differential.

The road so far: The Hookers rebounded from last years disappointing season and then some, finishing 3rd in goals for and 4th in goals against.  Their only losses on the year were to other top six seeds: Fresh Kills, Rehabs, Cobra Kai and Gremlins (twice).

The history books: The Hookers have had a rough couple of years but rebuilt their squad on the back of tight defense and the world famous Cro daddy poaching tour (note that this does not mean he’s poaching fathers).  They have historically been a elite franchise and will move up to D2 next season by virtue of winning their division.

Injury report: As their team name suggests, the Hookers are relatively healthy except for a few random cases of VD.

One player to watch: Other players may get the glory but in the playoffs, a shutdown defender is worth his weight in gold.  Danilo will be tasked with keeping Probie in check Sunday and will continue to match up with each team’s top threats throughout the playoffs should his team advance.

Key number: 3 – The Hookers were 12-0 in games where they put up three or more goals.  Their only win putting up less than three was the season finale division clincher against Cobra Kai.

Dominant narrative: The new-look Hookers trying to regain their past glory after last season’s disappointing 18th place finish.

The big question: Can this team, significantly turned over since last year and plagued by attendance issues during the season, come together in time for a deep playoff run?  And will Noelle get thrown out of this game?

Bandwagon-ability: Incredibly low.

One good reason not to root for them: If the Hookers win the championship Cro will never let any of us hear the end of it.

Prediction: The Biters are way better than a 14 seed would indicate and won’t be afraid to mix it up and trade chances.  Probie’s a very tough one-on-one matchup and the Biters did go 4-1 down the stretch.  But the Hookers have been playing at an elite level for the entire season and proved their mettle in a 1-0 battle for the division with Cobra Kai on the season’s final day.  In a hard fought game, the Hookers move on 4-3.

12. Mathematics at 5. Cobra Kai
by Fawn de Coques and Lord Bungalow Huggington-Cementmixer

Keys to the game for Cobra Kai: 

• Justin might say he’s in, and not show up… but that won’t really impact the game.
• James is Scottish (and he wears these adorable European short-shorts). Distract him by fondling your bagpipes on the sidelines.
• Dave, the Maths goalie, is a prison psychologist. If we’ve learned anything from watching the USA Network, that means he’s crazy. Use that to your advantage by demonstrating your mental illness when you have a breakaway.
• Greg Altman has been selflessly raising money for earthquake relief in Mexico. Is someone from Math raising money for Puerto Rico? Why not? Your team has the moral high ground, earthquakes notwithstanding.

Keys to the game for Mathematics:

• From what we know from our Instagram feed(s), Sebastian and Pete are currently jetsetting with their significant others. Will they be back in time? Does it matter?
• Liam doesn’t like losing. Use that to your advantage by winning!
• Sarah H is Prom Queen. We’re quite sure this has zero impact on the game, but she is pretty. Also good at hockey, so make sure she wears that crown, while shutting down Cobra Kai’s potent offense.
• Apparently Russell is a comedian? Did you know this? SAY SOMETHING FUNNY RUSSELL! Oh, you can’t? Well, Sam makes us laugh, why can’t you, Russell?
• Cobra Kai’s underage goalie is absurd. But seriously, have you seen him play? Taunt him with jokes about getting a ride home from his mom.
• Periodically yell “Rachel, I’m open!”

In summary:
The final question is what’s more significant: Rachel power or Norris power? Because they both have two (not counting Rebecca, Nathan, and Sandy for Maths, all of them sidelined by assorted injuries, travel distances, and pregnancies, not necessarily in that order).

Prediction: Math by 2, because the future of the Norrii… erm, we mean Math, will be witnessing from Rebecca’s innards.

Sky Fighters		3-2		Dark Rainbows	Final
Sky Fighters: Michael Teytelbaum x 3 Dark Rainbows: Brett Hiker, Mike Toriello Goalie Win: James Stein
Gouging Anklebiters		3-2		Mega Touch	Final(OT)
Gouging Anklebiters: Chuck Defranco, Ben Probert x 2 Mega Touch: Nadya Salcedo, Alex Eben Meyer Goalie Win: Craig Lacombe
Denim Demons		2-1		Instant Karma	Final(OT)
Denim Demons: Zach Fein, Josh Rosen Instant Karma: Matt Stabel Goalie Win: Zach Lewis
Gut Rot		1-2		Tompkins Square Riots	Final
Gut Rot: Michael Gilligan Tompkins Square Riots: Evan S., David Frost Goalie Win: Kat G

Third Star
Gut Rot 2017
by Diana

Gut Rot had a hell of a season this year, especially considering the season they had in 2016. Not only were they as entertaining as ever, they put up some amazing W’s along the way (8 wins to be exact).

Let’s go over the highlights of the green machines this year:

1. Getting Ed P. in goal.

2. Staying awesome on the scene.

3. Then there was the most precious moment of the season – Peaches getting some rough play around the crease from Fuzz, burying the winning goal, and saluting his opponent on the way out.

Bravo, bitchezzz, bravo.

Second Star
Charlotte M. from Poutine Machine
by BTSH Media Team

Cat B. showed up to her Rainbows playoff game without sneakers. (Oh, Catherine.) Once Cat realized her error, the Rainbows and friends were standing around brainstorming, trying to think of who might have sneakers in Cat’s size to lend her, but no one at the courts was able to help.

A friend to the Rainbows happened to know that Charlotte was on her way to the courts, and that she (presumably) has smaller feet, like Cat. They called Charlotte and she immediately sprung into action. (Well, as much as a person with a broken foot can spring into action.) Charlotte stopped at her apartment, grabbed a pair of sneakers, and rushed to Cat’s rescue.

Upon arriving at the courts, Charlotte used the Force to levitate the sneakers over to Cat, but when Cat and the Rainbows turned around to thank her…she had vanished. Her work there was done.

Cat-in-Charlotte’s-sneakers and the Rainbows played incredibly well and (almost) won the game.
Charlotte did all this even though she sadly cannot play right now, due to the aforementioned broken foot.

Helping your fellow BTSHers…..it’s the BTSH way.

First Star
Probie from Gouging Anklebiters
by Jerome

The Anklebiters have had a 2017 that pundits initially banked on to be successful, namely with a stellar goalie tandem in Timmay and Craig. But smack-dab in the middle of the season they hardly gained traction—1 point in a string of 6 games—and the inevitabilities of participating in the play-in game were becoming more apparent. Well guess what… Phil’s platoon of blues and golds didn’t care about that, and that goes for the game-winning goalscorer as well.

Probie, tallying a robust 13 goals for the season, lasered in a postseason brace last Sunday to help some happy humans reach the sweet sixteen, notably the overtime goal that sent his team into euphoria. Way too tired after the felicitations, nearly the entire team sat and drank on the court, but our All-American still wanted to get a decent run at the scrimmage. And yet, it’s his kind of the running that becomes a threat for other teams; he’ll run with the same speed with or without the ball, and opponents know he can produce lethal results with it.

So with the injury report and the season record thrown out the window now that October is fully here, the ‘Biters have a tough agenda on Sunday facing the Hookers. But the ‘Biters extra game and result could be catalyst that launches the squad to another victory.

Honorable mentions: 

The Demon who scored the OT winner with 11 seconds left.  Didn’t catch your name, but that breakout and shot saved your goalie (and team) from utter humiliation during a shootout.

Greg A. from Mexico (formerly Cobra Kai?) for jumping in net with the league gear to play goalie during the scrimmage when one of the goalies backed out at the last minute.  Without him, we would have had to settle for downed net.