1st Annual John Walker Invitational Tournament
September 15th, 2017by Arya Stark
The field is oficially set for the Rain Day Tourney, aka the 1st Annual John Walker Invitational tournament. Games will begin at 12:00 sharp although all are welcome to come early and help set up (in future news, no one showed up early). Games will consist of two 20 minute halves; BTSH-style running time and BTSH-style rules. Games will begin PROMPTLY at the designated time, regardless of who is out there so please be there on time or risk the wrath of your captain and your Sultan. If anyone is interested in volunteering to ref any of the games please let us know ASAP. The pay is zero and it’s unlikely anyone will thank you for your service, but we will appreciate it nonetheless.
Standings & Tiebreakers
Standings will be determined the same way as the Ocean City tournament:
1) Two points are awarded to the team scoring the most goals in each half.
2) One point is awarded to both teams if each score the same number of goals in a half.
3) Two points are also awarded to the team winning the overall match.
4) If the match ends in a tie, each team is awarded one point.
5) An additional point will be awarded for shutting out an opponent in a match (not half).
So, there are six points to be awarded in each game, plus a potential bonus point in the event of a shutout. If two or more teams are tied in the standings, the following tiebreakers will be used in the following order:
1) Winner of the most head-to-head matches between teams tied in the standings.
2) Most match wins.
3) Highest goal differential.
4) Least goals against.
5) Coin toss conducted by JW, or Alex, or Zac, or Justin, but certainly not by Rich.
Schedule
The schedule was painstakingly devised over the course of a week. How the creation of a schedule for a free one day tournament can warrant over 200 emails is anyone’s guess, but it is here and it is glorious. Teams were randomly assigned slots and opponents. Here is your official schedule:
12:00 – Tia Tia & Cult Jam v America (WEST)
12:00 – Team Fire Starters v Rebel Scum (EAST)
12:50 – Buzz v Team Boatsex (WEST)
12:50 – Cecil Harambee v BSA Cult Machine (EAST)
1:40 – Rebel Scum v America (WEST)
1:40 – Team Fire Starters v Tia Tia & Cult Jam (EAST)
2:30 – Buzz v BSA Cult Machine (WEST)
2:30 – Cecil Harambee v Team Boatsex (EAST)
3:20 – 4 v 5 Playoff Quarterfinal (WEST)
3:20 – 1 v 8 Playoff Quarterfinal (EAST)
4:10 – 2 v 7 Playoff Quarterfinal (WEST)
4:10 – 3 v 6 Playoff Quarterfinal (EAST)
5:00 – Playoff Semifinal (WEST)
5:00 – Playoff Semifinal (EAST)
6:00 – Championship (WEST)
6:00 – Third Place Game (EAST)
Afterwards there will be a trophy presentation at nearby bar with a high likelihood of adult language and strong sexual content.
Team Selection
Teams were selected on the evening of Thursday, September 14 at approximately 9:00 EST. As per Justin M’s decree, two separate drafts were held: one for men and one for women. An anonymous diary was found at the scene, covered in whisky and tears, as with all artifacts recovered from Fish Market.
And now, without further ado…your official rosters.
Team Fire Starters
Rebel Scum
Tia Tia & Cult Jam
America
Buzz
Team Boatsex
Cecil Harambee
BSA Cult Machine
Valar morghulis!
Sign up for the Prom!
September 15th, 2017Hello Fuzz, Cecil(e) Harambe, Cheeky, America (my tournament team name) and degenerates.
The lovely and talented Diana M. really wants you to go to the prom! Tomorrow is the last day to purchase tickets at $25, otherwise it’s $30 at the door. So buy these tickets you cheapwads.
Prom goes well with hockey.
BTSH as NFL Teams
September 14th, 2017With the NFL season underway, here is every BTSH team’s NFL counterpart…
Fresh Kills – (Patriots) – Probably the easiest comparison here. Always a contender, always replenishing their talent with random white guys who are created in a lab somewhere to dominate the league. Always lighting the lamp (69 goals, nice). Always bending the rules (SpyGate, DeflateGate, JamiesubbingastheirgoalieagainstthebutchersGate, etc.)
Rehabs – (Seahawks) – One of the league’s toughest defenses, one of the league’s most vocal trash-talkers (Richard $h0wT!m3) and they have the championship ring to back it up. A team that nobody wants to play with their season on the line. Their only issue is a weak offensive line, a light shove and they seem to get pushed around the court.
Filthier – (Packers) – Led by arguably the best player in the league whose personal relationships are always front-page tabloid news. With a championship trophy on the mantel already, they’re hungry for one more.
LBS Inc. – (Broncos) – Solid defensive teams with a trophy case full of hardware from previous eras. Also worth mentioning that Denver’s star player, Von Miller, served a suspension for abusing “Adderall” a few years back, while I think Scott K. has an endorsement deal with Adderall.
Fuzz – (Falcons) – Despite having the league’s best offenses last year, a disappointing finish in the postseason for both teams. What’s even more disappointing is that they are both led by Disney movie villains
Disney Villains
Butchers – (Chiefs) – Each squad here has talent on both sides of the ball but can’t seem to take that next step. The similarities stop there as Andy Reid would never leave a full plate of wings uneaten but Rachel Greene can’t say the same.
Mathematics – (Texans) – Both led by Savages, both teams are middle-of-the-pack and capable of beating or losing to any team on any given week.
Sky Fighters – (Colts) – Both teams here are over-reliant on one player for their offensive production. However, if they can get clicking in October they are a team that no one wants to face, they could even be Teytel-bound..eh? eh? ehhhh….
Gouging Anklebiters – (Titans) – Young talent gives both of these teams some promise down the road but right now they are still outside the top tier of teams.
Denim Demons – (49ers) – The Demons and 49ers have both lost a ton of talent the past few years and have gone from legitimate title contenders to cellar-dwellers. To their credit, the Demons have cleaned up their image this year and have had very few players have to take a knee on the sideline, except during the national anthem.
Denim Lives Matter
Corlears Hookers – (Cowboys) – A talented squad with championship aspirations. Cowboy ownership (Jerry Jones) allegedly has a thing for hookers and Hookers ownership (Cro) may or may not have a thing for cowboys. The similarities don’t stop there as Cro’s questionable morals and Big 10 ties have “many people saying” that he reminds them of a certain Cowboys running back.
Jerry Jones and his “Cro”nies
Cobra Kai – (Steelers) – A powerhouse of fantasy players; Liam, Will and Pete would all be picked in the top couple rounds of a draft just as Roethlisberger, Le’Veon Bell and Antonio Brown would be. Nabatz and L.J. are both key contributors and credit their hairstyles to Troy Polamalu. CK/Pittsburgh’s big offseason acquisition has been a huge help defensively (Campbell/TJ Watt) and some experts even having them going all the way to the title game.
Gremlins – (Buccaneers) – A common sleeper pick to make some noise this postseason. A solid 12-4-2 record this year (in a not-so-easy third division) has put the Gremmies on everyone’s radar. Mike Evans and Marcella Coulson both burst on the scene with 12 touchdowns and 8 goals respectively. Marcella’s last name is also what I say to everyone who tells me about their fantasy football draft that I don’t care about.
Instant Karma – (Bengals) – After showing some promise in the previous season (Karma as the #11 seed, Bengals 12-4 in 2015), a discouraging performance this year for both teams. IK posted the third-worst goal differential and will have to play their way into the big dance this postseason. Not to mention the most obvious similarity here…
Future Cincinnati Bengal…
Mega Touch – (Bills) – A couple of teams that are both due for some success. Also worth mentioning that Mega’s annual tradition of wearing the “jorts” uniform is a daily tradition for most residents of Buffalo.
Poutine Machine – (Vikings) – Ignoring both groups’ tendency to have a penchant for violence, the Vikings and Poutine seem to always end the season with surprisingly decent records. With only 39 goals on the season, Poutine needs to attack more using their sticks. Coincidentally, Minnesota gave Adrian Peterson the same advice.
The newest member of Poutine
What The Puck – (Lions) – Despite following football pretty closely I didn’t even remember the Lions making last year’s playoffs. WTP has an impressive +11 goal differential and 7-1-0 divisional record which has vaulted them into the #9 seed but will anyone remember in a year from now when Zac Hogg is a member of Fuzz?
Gut Rot – (Jaguars) – After a dismal 2016 season, Gut Rot bounced back with an impressive 17 points. It’s been a solid decade since Jacksonville has enjoyed any success but a win on Sunday over Houston in the Hurricane Bowl has given some hope to a long-tortured fan base.
Tompkins Square Riots – (Jets) – TSR was probably the least successful of this year’s riots and that’s saying something. It’s never good to be in the same company as the Jets, even Joe Namath (particularly alone and after a few drinks). But hey they had the most fun!!!
Dark Rainbows – (Browns) – Not sure if this is more insulting of a comparison for Cleveland or the Rainbows. The Rainbows made history this year by going 0-17-1 but the good news is that as long as the Browns are around they will never be the worst color team around.
Three Stars of Week 18
September 12th, 2017
THIRD STAR
Alexa from Fuzz
by Isaac
In between hiking the volcanoes of Hawaii’s islands and enjoying the pleasures of beachside massages, Alexa found time to send out the Week 18 ref form to ensure refs were assigned for each of our games. Now, I don’t know about you, but if I’m on my honeymoon, I’d punt that job to someone else. Perhaps after last year’s fiasco when Zach and Diane handed those duties over to Rich, who then assigned Schuie to ref his own game, Alexa thought better of it and continued to do the great job she’s done all season. Aloha! (And MAU HOOHIWAHIWA!!!)
SECOND STAR
Nicole from Instant Karma
by Clavvicle
The Ottawa Senators signed the wrong Ceci. If you haven’t heard of Nicole, you’re blind, never mind the mixed metaphor. Karma’s vivacious Vulcan vixen beat Gut Rot’s goalie Ed with a blast from the blue line to ignite an unexpected blowout. It was her first BTSH goal, and we’re sure it won’t be her last. And even if it were, her contributions in energy, entertainment, and other en-tangibles put her toe-to-toe with any scorer you can throw our way. In the waning minutes of the match, Gut Rot robbed her of the game winning goal, but that’s no matter, because in every game she wins our hearts.
FIRST STAR
Cheeky for Prom’ing Hard
by Isaac
Hype for the BTSH 80’s themed prom is swelling with anticipation and BTSHers are working hard to lock down dates. But no one, and we mean NO ONE is doing it harder or more creative than our new league treasure, Cheeky. To the tune of an 80’s classic sports movie, and using other BTSHers as props, she shot gunned a Bud Light, benched 200 lbs., ripped off her sleeves, and flexed the prom question to Sultan (all while keeping it safe by wearing a helmet). And our Sultan accepted.
Honorable mentions:
Sarah TZ from Fuzz for running an all day fundraiser for the Each Annual Children’s Hope (EACH) to raise money for a great cause. We may tip our hats from time to time to drunken fools who pull off amazing feats (see First Star), but when one of our own is making a positive difference it definitely deserves recognition.
Soko, Roxy, Barch and all of Fresh Kills who completed a historic season by collecting an astounding 35 out of 36 possible points. Without a doubt they are entering the 2017 playoffs as favorite to win the PBR Cup.
Week 18 Previews – Part 2
September 8th, 2017Corlears Hookers at Cobra Kai
by Arya Stark
As mentioned yesterday, this matchup will determine who wins the division crown, clinches a top seed and moves up a division next year. The Cobra Kai won their first meeting in June by a score of 4-0, a victory which kicked off a seven game winning streak that was broken by Filthier in the last round of games before OC. The Hookers, meanwhile, had a six game win streak of their own snapped by the Fresh Kills in a hard fought playoff-worthy battle. These two teams are statistically as close as you can get, scoring the exact same number of goals and with Cobra Kai allowing just three less. These are two evenly matched elite teams but in the end, this game will be decided by the showdown in net of Campbell v Longwell and Tiffany/Noelle finding a way to bury one.
Prediction: Hookers take the division with a 4-2 win.
LBS, Inc. (10-5-2, 24pts.) at Rehabs (13-2-2, 28pts.). Tompkins East, 1600
by Jerome
This Soko division clash won’t be a close one, but los blancos will certainly try to make things level (and interesting) with the rossoneri. As far as playoff scenario goes:
- The Rehabs can secure a #2 seed with anything but a regulation loss. With Filthier right behind them, a loss would have them clenching their teeth because of goal differential, because both squads are separated by only one goal. If the goal differential becomes even, then Bryan’s bunch have the advantage, having vanquished James the Gentleman’s side twice this season.
- Karsten’s kids can seek as high as 5th with a win if Poutine, Gremlins, and Hookers fail to get a point in their matchups. But they could fall to 9th if they lose and Ariel and the Untouchables don’t gain 2 points against the Butchers in their historical campaign. Having had a commendable season even with the lack of a consistent goaltender, the LBS. winning record was pockmarked with Ls along the way. The “shoulda, coulda, wouldas” between Poutine (W6) and Math (W16) should no longer be a concern and the focus should be on this game only.
Prediction: The titleholders have enough momentum to bulldoze the opposition. Their key players having hit up OC for the healthiest 3 Bs of “adulting” (beach, booze, and ball hockey), the playing surface has warranted more cardio, which would have them fit for this Sunday’s matchup. But some LBS players will have participated as well, and we’re hoping that upon return, Tommy C. can stir up the masses—and his team—with this beauty of a track named after him.
Butchers at Fresh Kills
by Isaac
Last season in the playoffs the Kills took the wind out of the Butchers sails by beating them at their own game. Well, Dana, DSJ and the gang haven’t forgotten how it all went down. During the league’s recent hiatus the Butcher’s brain trust of Rachel, Mike and delicious Single Malt developed a couple wrinkles for this game.
BREAKING NEWS: the reconstruction of Natasha’s right knee into a bionic asset (weapon) for her team has been completed. Stronger than before she returns to action this Sunday to inflict all of the snootiness the French taught her on poor Georgine.
Prediction: Pete makes Pat and Fresh Kills’ defense look mortal, but in OT Rush delivers and FK caps off a historical season, 5-4.
Denim Demons at Mathematics
by Isaac
Fresh off of a fulfilling evening of torturing young mens by tying them up and beating them with a wiffle ball bat, Sarah H is ready for likes of those Demons.
It must be “Mismatch Week”, as the home team dukes it out for dominance with their unequal visitors. Expect fireworks from the crafty forwards of Zach, Sam, James, and Tracy. In goal, it’s Dave vs. M-Jared, but before you jump to conclusions you need to consider the relative strengths of the offense and defense in front of them. In other words, goaltending might not be the most significant factor. They’re going to try to rebound from last week’s loss and make a big statement, and it’s up to their opponents to stop them.
Prediction: the outcome of this contest ends up being better than Josh’s latest Tinder date as the Demons pull off the upset, 3-2.
What The Puck at Poutine Machine
by Isaac
A couple of weeks ago this looked like the battle for the division crown and the rights to being sent back down at the end of next season. But another win by Poutine and a loss by the Pucks in Week 17 has turned this contest into just a friendly grudge match. Which is too bad for the Pucks. You see, over these past two seasons they just seem to have Poutine’s number. Having knocked them out of the playoffs last year and blanking them on opening day this year, it appears the Pucks are in the heads of Nic, Ponytail girl (Heather? Haley? Hottie?) and Poutine.
Prediction: a hotly contested bought that sees two scoring lead changes ends up going to Poutine as they earn two more points towards a more favorable playoff seeding, 7-5.
