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With the NFL season underway, here is every BTSH team’s NFL counterpart…

 

Fresh Kills – (Patriots) – Probably the easiest comparison here. Always a contender, always replenishing their talent with random white guys who are created in a lab somewhere to dominate the league. Always lighting the lamp (69 goals, nice). Always bending the rules (SpyGate, DeflateGate, JamiesubbingastheirgoalieagainstthebutchersGate, etc.)

Rehabs  – (Seahawks) – One of the league’s toughest defenses, one of the league’s most vocal trash-talkers (Richard $h0wT!m3) and they have the championship ring to back it up. A team that nobody wants to play with their season on the line. Their only issue is a weak offensive line, a light shove and they seem to get pushed around the court.

Filthier – (Packers) – Led by arguably the best player in the league whose personal relationships are always front-page tabloid news. With a championship trophy on the mantel already, they’re hungry for one more.

LBS Inc. – (Broncos) – Solid defensive teams with a trophy case full of hardware from previous eras. Also worth mentioning that Denver’s star player, Von Miller, served a suspension for abusing “Adderall” a few years back, while I think Scott K. has an endorsement deal with Adderall.

Fuzz – (Falcons) – Despite having the league’s best offenses last year, a disappointing finish in the postseason for both teams. What’s even more disappointing is that they are both led by Disney movie villains

 

 

 

Butchers – (Chiefs) – Each squad here has talent on both sides of the ball but can’t seem to take that next step. The similarities stop there as Andy Reid would never leave a full plate of wings uneaten but Rachel Greene can’t say the same.

Mathematics – (Texans) – Both led by Savages, both teams are middle-of-the-pack and capable of beating or losing to any team on any given week.

Sky Fighters – (Colts) – Both teams here are over-reliant on one player for their offensive production. However, if they can get clicking in October they are a team that no one wants to face, they could even be Teytel-bound..eh? eh? ehhhh….

Gouging Anklebiters – (Titans) – Young talent gives both of these teams some promise down the road but right now they are still outside the top tier of teams.

Denim Demons – (49ers) – The Demons and 49ers have both lost a ton of talent the past few years and have gone from legitimate title contenders to cellar-dwellers. To their credit, the Demons have cleaned up their image this year and have had very few players have to take a knee on the sideline, except during the national anthem.

 

 

Corlears Hookers – (Cowboys) – A talented squad with championship aspirations. Cowboy ownership (Jerry Jones) allegedly has a thing for hookers and Hookers ownership (Cro) may or may not have a thing for cowboys. The similarities don’t stop there as Cro’s questionable morals and Big 10 ties have “many people saying” that he reminds them of a certain Cowboys running back.

 

 

Cobra Kai – (Steelers) – A powerhouse of fantasy players; Liam, Will and Pete would all be picked in the top couple rounds of a draft just as Roethlisberger, Le’Veon Bell and Antonio Brown would be. Nabatz and L.J. are both key contributors and credit their hairstyles to Troy Polamalu. CK/Pittsburgh’s big offseason acquisition has been a huge help defensively (Campbell/TJ Watt) and some experts even having them going all the way to the title game.

Gremlins – (Buccaneers) – A common sleeper pick to make some noise this postseason. A solid 12-4-2 record this year (in a not-so-easy third division) has put the Gremmies on everyone’s radar. Mike Evans and Marcella Coulson both burst on the scene with 12 touchdowns and 8 goals respectively. Marcella’s last name is also what I say to everyone who tells me about their fantasy football draft that I don’t care about.

Instant Karma – (Bengals) – After showing some promise in the previous season (Karma as the #11 seed, Bengals 12-4 in 2015), a discouraging performance this year for both teams. IK posted the third-worst goal differential and will have to play their way into the big dance this postseason. Not to mention the most obvious similarity here…

 

 

Mega Touch – (Bills) – A couple of teams that are both due for some success. Also worth mentioning that Mega’s annual tradition of wearing the “jorts” uniform is a daily tradition for most residents of Buffalo.

Poutine Machine – (Vikings) – Ignoring both groups’ tendency to have a penchant for violence, the Vikings and Poutine seem to always end the season with surprisingly decent records. With only 39 goals on the season, Poutine needs to attack more using their sticks. Coincidentally, Minnesota gave Adrian Peterson the same advice.

 

 

What The Puck – (Lions) – Despite following football pretty closely I didn’t even remember the Lions making last year’s playoffs. WTP has an impressive +11 goal differential and 7-1-0 divisional record which has vaulted them into the #9 seed but will anyone remember in a year from now when Zac Hogg is a member of Fuzz?

Gut Rot – (Jaguars) – After a dismal 2016 season, Gut Rot bounced back with an impressive 17 points. It’s been a solid decade since Jacksonville has enjoyed any success but a win on Sunday over Houston in the Hurricane Bowl has given some hope to a long-tortured fan base.

Tompkins Square Riots – (Jets) – TSR was probably the least successful of this year’s riots and that’s saying something. It’s never good to be in the same company as the Jets, even Joe Namath (particularly alone and after a few drinks).  But hey they had the most fun!!!

Dark Rainbows – (Browns) – Not sure if this is more insulting of a comparison for Cleveland or the Rainbows. The Rainbows made history this year by going 0-17-1 but the good news is that as long as the Browns are around they will never be the worst color team around.

THIRD STAR
Alexa from Fuzz
by Isaac

In between hiking the volcanoes of Hawaii’s islands and enjoying the pleasures of beachside massages, Alexa found time to send out the Week 18 ref form to ensure refs were assigned for each of our games. Now, I don’t know about you, but if I’m on my honeymoon, I’d punt that job to someone else. Perhaps after last year’s fiasco when Zach and Diane handed those duties over to Rich, who then assigned Schuie to ref his own game, Alexa thought better of it and continued to do the great job she’s done all season. Aloha! (And MAU HOOHIWAHIWA!!!)

SECOND STAR
Nicole from Instant Karma
by Clavvicle

The Ottawa Senators signed the wrong Ceci. If you haven’t heard of Nicole, you’re blind, never mind the mixed metaphor. Karma’s vivacious Vulcan vixen beat Gut Rot’s goalie Ed with a blast from the blue line to ignite an unexpected blowout. It was her first BTSH goal, and we’re sure it won’t be her last. And even if it were, her contributions in energy, entertainment, and other en-tangibles put her toe-to-toe with any scorer you can throw our way. In the waning minutes of the match, Gut Rot robbed her of the game winning goal, but that’s no matter, because in every game she wins our hearts.

FIRST STAR
Cheeky for Prom’ing Hard
by Isaac

Hype for the BTSH 80’s themed prom is swelling with anticipation and BTSHers are working hard to lock down dates. But no one, and we mean NO ONE is doing it harder or more creative than our new league treasure, Cheeky. To the tune of an 80’s classic sports movie, and using other BTSHers as props, she shot gunned a Bud Light, benched 200 lbs., ripped off her sleeves, and flexed the prom question to Sultan (all while keeping it safe by wearing a helmet). And our Sultan accepted.

Honorable mentions:

Sarah TZ from Fuzz for running an all day fundraiser for the Each Annual Children’s Hope (EACH) to raise money for a great cause. We may tip our hats from time to time to drunken fools who pull off amazing feats (see First Star), but when one of our own is making a positive difference it definitely deserves recognition.

Soko, Roxy, Barch and all of Fresh Kills who completed a historic season by collecting an astounding 35 out of 36 possible points. Without a doubt they are entering the 2017 playoffs as favorite to win the PBR Cup.

Corlears Hookers at Cobra Kai
by Arya Stark

As mentioned yesterday, this matchup will determine who wins the division crown, clinches a top seed and moves up a division next year.  The Cobra Kai won their first meeting in June by a score of 4-0, a victory which kicked off a seven game winning streak that was broken by Filthier in the last round of games before OC.  The Hookers, meanwhile, had a six game win streak of their own snapped by the Fresh Kills in a hard fought playoff-worthy battle.  These two teams are statistically as close as you can get, scoring the exact same number of goals and with Cobra Kai allowing just three less.  These are two evenly matched elite teams but in the end, this game will be decided by the showdown in net of Campbell v Longwell and Tiffany/Noelle finding a way to bury one.

Prediction: Hookers take the division with a 4-2 win.

LBS, Inc. (10-5-2, 24pts.) at Rehabs (13-2-2, 28pts.). Tompkins East, 1600
by Jerome

This Soko division clash won’t be a close one, but los blancos will certainly try to make things level (and interesting) with the rossoneri. As far as playoff scenario goes:

1. The Rehabs can secure a #2 seed with anything but a regulation loss. With Filthier right behind them, a loss would have them clenching their teeth because of goal differential, because both squads are separated by only one goal. If the goal differential becomes even, then Bryan’s bunch have the advantage, having vanquished James the Gentleman’s side twice this season.
2. Karsten’s kids can seek as high as 5^th with a win if Poutine, Gremlins, and Hookers fail to get a point in their matchups. But they could fall to 9^th if they lose and Ariel and the Untouchables don’t gain 2 points against the Butchers in their historical campaign. Having had a commendable season even with the lack of a consistent goaltender, the LBS. winning record was pockmarked with Ls along the way. The “shoulda, coulda, wouldas” between Poutine (W6) and Math (W16) should no longer be a concern and the focus should be on this game only.

Prediction: The titleholders have enough momentum to bulldoze the opposition. Their key players having hit up OC for the healthiest 3 Bs of “adulting” (beach, booze, and ball hockey), the playing surface has warranted more cardio, which would have them fit for this Sunday’s matchup. But some LBS players will have participated as well, and we’re hoping that upon return, Tommy C. can stir up the masses—and his team—with this beauty of a track named after him.

Butchers at Fresh Kills
by Isaac

Last season in the playoffs the Kills took the wind out of the Butchers sails by beating them at their own game.  Well, Dana, DSJ and the gang haven’t forgotten how it all went down.  During the league’s recent hiatus the Butcher’s brain trust of Rachel, Mike and delicious Single Malt developed a couple wrinkles for this game.

BREAKING NEWS: the reconstruction of Natasha’s right knee into a bionic asset (weapon) for her team has been completed.  Stronger than before she returns to action this Sunday to inflict all of the snootiness the French taught her on poor Georgine.

Prediction: Pete makes Pat and Fresh Kills’ defense look mortal, but in OT Rush delivers and FK caps off a historical season, 5-4.

Denim Demons at Mathematics
by Isaac

Fresh off of a fulfilling evening of torturing young mens by tying them up and beating them with a wiffle ball bat, Sarah H is ready for likes of those Demons.

It must be “Mismatch Week”, as the home team dukes it out for dominance with their unequal visitors. Expect fireworks from the crafty forwards of Zach, Sam, James, and Tracy. In goal, it’s Dave vs. M-Jared, but before you jump to conclusions you need to consider the relative strengths of the offense and defense in front of them. In other words, goaltending might not be the most significant factor. They’re going to try to rebound from last week’s loss and make a big statement, and it’s up to their opponents to stop them.

Prediction: the outcome of this contest ends up being better than Josh’s latest Tinder date as the Demons pull off the upset, 3-2.

What The Puck at Poutine Machine
by Isaac 

A couple of weeks ago this looked like the battle for the division crown and the rights to being sent back down at the end of next season.  But another win by Poutine and a loss by the Pucks in Week 17 has turned this contest into just a friendly grudge match.  Which is too bad for the Pucks.  You see, over these past two seasons they just seem to have Poutine’s number.  Having knocked them out of the playoffs last year and blanking them on opening day this year, it appears the Pucks are in the heads of Nic, Ponytail girl (Heather? Haley? Hottie?) and Poutine.

Prediction: a hotly contested bought that sees two scoring lead changes ends up going to Poutine as they earn two more points towards a more favorable playoff seeding, 7-5.

Tompkins Square Riots at Dark Rainbows
by JW

Well, this is it. The Rainbows’ last chance to get that 1 regular season win. We here at the media are rooting for them, hard. Harder than everyone was rooting against the Shortis in Ocean City (if that’s possible).

So, what can the Rainbows do in order to obtain that elusive win?  Will Tia’s positivity pull them through? Does Cat have to be a hero, again?  Will Greenwald need to post a shutout? Will new recruit Tarnow have to notch a couple goals? Will Toriello be wearing his headband? Will the game go to a shootout, and Abby hobbles in and wins it? Are there any horse socks? Is anybody listening to me?

So, what does this game mean for the Riots?  Well, they have a chance to jump Mega in the standings if they win this game, and the Gremlins beat Mega (we will). They also have a chance to jump the Demons in the standings, if the Demons lose to Math. They can also tie Karma if they win and Karma loses (I am not sure which team has the tie break here, and I don’t care enough to look. Ok…I looked. It’s Karma, so…nevermind).

If I know Dave GDR he’ll be fighting hard for these 2 points, to give his team a shot at a better opponent in the opening round.

J Dub’s Prediction: This is going to be an incredibly tight matchup. It goes to overtime, and……….the Rainbows make believers of us all. Gloves fly, voices screech, the ‘Bows all dogpile on Greenwald. The crowd goes wild. I’ll be there, filming it.

Sky Fighters at Gouging Anklebiters
by Isaac

At the start of the season the Fighters and Biters faced off in a wild game where the home team duked it out for dominance against their unequal visitor.  In the rematch we can expect fireworks from the plethora of crafty forwards such as Probie, Mike, Mia and Caroline(s).  In goal, it’ll be Timmy Baby vs. Stein, but before you jump to conclusions you need to consider the relative strengths of the offense and defense in front of them.  In other words, goaltending might not be the most significant factor.  The Biters, while probably still drunk from brunch, are going to try and rebound from that overtime defeat. 

Prediction: the Biters try to rebound from their earlier overtime defeat, but end up losing in OT again, 3-2.

Gut Rot at Instant Karma
by A Young Padawan

Here’s what would happen if screenwriters Mel Brooks (Spaceballs, 1987) and Jim Abrahams, David Zucker and Jerry Zucker (Airplane, 1980) were to hand [JW/random BTSHer] excerpts from their scripts and ask them to mad lib the missing words.

Title: [Hockey] Balls on an Airplane

“In a galaxy very, very, very, very far away there lived a ruthless being known as [The Sultan’s Evil Twin]. Chapter 11. [The Sultan’s Evil Twin] of [Tompkins Square Park] having foolishly squandered [his] precious [record] devised a plan to take [hockey] away from, [BTSH].”

Gut Rot and Karma put aside their [game day] differences to rise up against [The Sultan’s Evil Twin].

[Morgen] remarked: “Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit drinking.”

[Isaac] cried out: “I am the keeper of a greater magic, a power known throughout the universe as the…”

[Becca] interrupts: “The Force?”

[Isaac]: “No, the Schwartz!”

“It was at that moment that [Gut Rot] first realized [BTSH] had doubts about [Gut Rot’s sobriety]. And that, as much as anything else, [further] led to [their] drinking problems.”

[https://youtu.be/pl4plPGRG8o]

Isaac then challenged The Sultan’s Evil Twin.

[The Sultan’s Evil Twin] to [Isaac]: “You have the [hockey stick] and I see your Schwartz is as big as mine. Now let’s see how you handle it.”

[Sam N] blows his whistle: “Let’s take a 5 minute break. Smoke em if you got ’em.”

[Other referee]: “Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit smoking.”

After a short break, the fight continued.

[The Sultan’s Evil Twin] remarked: “Very impressive, Isaac, too bad this isn’t [MOFO]!”

Suddenly, a cry is heard, “It’s Mega [Touch]. She’s gone from suck to blow!”

Unbeknownst to the league, Mega Touch harvested the ultimate Schwartz and used it to vanquish The Sultan’s Evil Twin.

The End.

Gut Rot -1
Instant Karma -1
The Sultan’s Evil Twin -3
Mega Touch +1 for the largest Schwartz

Actual game prediction: Karma 1, Gut Rot 0

Filthier at Fuzz – West Court – 1:30 – September 10, 2017 – Tompkins Square Park, NYC, USA, North America, Earth
by Throatwobbler Mangrove

What can we say about either of these teams that we can’t say about the other? For example, 100% of their goalies are named either Tim or Coach. They both jammed together a bunch of players to make a superteam, they both have key players missing, they even both start with the letter F. Well I say a pox on both their F-in’ houses! Go watch the game on the other court… the pretty game with the nice kids in the turquoise shirts and the drunk team in the green ones. But if you insist on caring about this game–the one I’m actually writing about–let’s admit Filthier’s got a slight edge. They might even have a psychological edge. Fuzz knows it’s falling into the slightly saner confines of D2. What’s on the line for them is a play-in. Let’s see how hard they are willing to play on Sunday to avoid having to play an extra game of hockey. Should Fuzz win or tie, and the Sky Fighters lose or tie, they should manage to avoid having to face the mighty Rainbows– if my math is right, which it probably isn’t. On the other hand, Rich spent the previous weekend presiding over the marriage of his star player (who is his captain), and the weekend before that his team won the Championship* at Ocean City for the first time without cheating, so Fuzz may be coming in with a psychological edge of their own. So now that I’ve filled a paragraph with nonsense, let me summarize it as best as I can: eh, who knows, who cares?

Prediction: Filthier 4, Fuzz 3 (Jeff scores 19 goals but 17 are disallowed; the other goal is from Gil).

Gremlins at Magnus Attactus
by Gorgeous Greene

I’d like to use this preview as an opportunity to discuss JW and numbers, not his +/- (which is atrocious), but his inability to count (3-2-3) instances of him being wrong in the proper APA style (three, two, three). It’s a good thing Jamie is there to bail him out by being correct ALL THE TIME. You know who else is right? Marcella (two on the leader list), Erich (seven) and Cody (10).

Key to the game for Mega: socks. If Alex wears his amazing stripey bumble bee socks, and Brady wears his eat sh*t socks… anything can happen. Like Brady scoring on a snoozing Jamie (deflected off JW). IT CAN HAPPEN. Julie, I think you should get cool socks for your whole team.

Prediction: Jamie doesn’t pull a repeat snafu and the Gremmies win 5-2, despite Walker pulling a Glanzer (-2).

by Arya Stark

With just one week left in the regular season before rain day tournaments, 80s proms and, eventually, playoffs, there’s a lot at stake for teams across the league.  Games to watch for on the final day of the 2017 regular season:

Dark Rainbows v Tompkins Riots (12:30 – East Court)
Previous Meeting: 3-2 Riots in shootout (week 5)

The Rainbows will look to avoid the ignominy of being the first winless team in, according to the Sultan, “the modern era.”  Their sole point in the standings came in an absurd 17 round shootout loss to these very same Riots in week five, and the Riots have hit a major rough patch in losing their last seven games.  Rainbows will have a golden opportunity to get a win on the board and some momentum going into a play-in game against (most likely) either Gut Rot or Fuzz.  NFL fans may note that this early game has the feel of every 12:30 Detroit Lions Thanksgiving day kickoff game ever.

Hookers v Cobra Kai (2:30 – West Court)
Previous Meeting: 4-0 Cobra Kai (week 9)

The battle for the Katz Division pits the current fourth and fifth overall seeds against each other for bragging rights and the ability to move up to the CMB division next season.  Their first matchup was a 4-0 game in which, I’ve been informed by a Hooker, they were missing “tons of players.”  Classic excuse, but that’s the type of strong negotiation one should expect from a hooker.

Both teams feature elite players across the board: male, female, scorers, goaltenders.  Regardless of their division, these are two of the top teams in the league by just about any metric:

Points: 4th (CK) and 5th (CH)
Goals For: tied for 2nd
Goals Against: 2nd (CK) and 4th (CH)
Goal Differential: 2nd (CK) and 4th (CH)

If Cobra Kai wins, they can move up to 2nd with some help from the LBS but would guarantee themselves no worse than third place.  A Hookers overtime or shootout win and we would need to go all the way down to the third tiebreaker of goal differential which Cobra Kai would hold by two.  The Hookers need to win in regulation to clinch the division and potentially the #3 seed if Filthier loses to Fuzz.

LBS v Rehabs (4:00 – East Court)
Previous Meeting: 4-2 LBS (week 9)

A championship rematch and possible second round playoff preview, this has the potential to be one of the most explosive matchups of the afternoon.  The Rehabs have won five straight, including an impressive 5-1 dismantling of the previously rolling Gremlins (an apt adjective considering I recently learned they’re named after a car and their logo isn’t some random insanity), while the LBS have picked up 11 of a possible 12 points since a July 9 loss to the Butchers that put stalwart defender and former captain Sasha Owen on the IR.  While this game doesn’t matter much for LBS in terms of playoff seeding (they are already locked into the 8v9 matchup), it will be a crucial tune-up game for both teams entering the postseason.  If Cobra Kai are victorious at 2:30, they’ll put pressure on the Rehabs to win in order to maintain their #2 overall seed.  If the Hookers are able to take down the dojo, Rehabs will clinch second before the opening faceoff but will still want to make a statement and avenge one of their only two regulation losses of the season.

What The Puck v Poutine Machine (5:00 – West Court)
Previous Meeting: 3-0 WTP (week 1)

The two best teams in the Michaliga division will square off for the first time since the season opener, a simpler time when Caps fans had their annual springtime false hopes going and no one had any notion of what covfefe meant (most people still don’t).  Poutine has already clinched their division and end-of-season promotion but can move up to 5th with a victory and losses by the Hookers and Gremlins.  They’ll have to deal with the absence of Charlotte and the fury of Zac who will be looking to a) lead his team to a 9th place finish and b) not get thrown out of the game.  Will the OC pornstache make a comeback en route to what people in that industry would call “a spirited finish?”  BTSH enthusiasts and confused perverts alike will be watching intently.