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Tompkins Square Riots at Dark Rainbows
by JW

Well, this is it. The Rainbows’ last chance to get that 1 regular season win. We here at the media are rooting for them, hard. Harder than everyone was rooting against the Shortis in Ocean City (if that’s possible).

So, what can the Rainbows do in order to obtain that elusive win?  Will Tia’s positivity pull them through? Does Cat have to be a hero, again?  Will Greenwald need to post a shutout? Will new recruit Tarnow have to notch a couple goals? Will Toriello be wearing his headband? Will the game go to a shootout, and Abby hobbles in and wins it? Are there any horse socks? Is anybody listening to me?

So, what does this game mean for the Riots?  Well, they have a chance to jump Mega in the standings if they win this game, and the Gremlins beat Mega (we will). They also have a chance to jump the Demons in the standings, if the Demons lose to Math. They can also tie Karma if they win and Karma loses (I am not sure which team has the tie break here, and I don’t care enough to look. Ok…I looked. It’s Karma, so…nevermind).

If I know Dave GDR he’ll be fighting hard for these 2 points, to give his team a shot at a better opponent in the opening round.

J Dub’s Prediction: This is going to be an incredibly tight matchup. It goes to overtime, and……….the Rainbows make believers of us all. Gloves fly, voices screech, the ‘Bows all dogpile on Greenwald. The crowd goes wild. I’ll be there, filming it.

Sky Fighters at Gouging Anklebiters
by Isaac

At the start of the season the Fighters and Biters faced off in a wild game where the home team duked it out for dominance against their unequal visitor.  In the rematch we can expect fireworks from the plethora of crafty forwards such as Probie, Mike, Mia and Caroline(s).  In goal, it’ll be Timmy Baby vs. Stein, but before you jump to conclusions you need to consider the relative strengths of the offense and defense in front of them.  In other words, goaltending might not be the most significant factor.  The Biters, while probably still drunk from brunch, are going to try and rebound from that overtime defeat. 

Prediction: the Biters try to rebound from their earlier overtime defeat, but end up losing in OT again, 3-2.

Gut Rot at Instant Karma
by A Young Padawan

Here’s what would happen if screenwriters Mel Brooks (Spaceballs, 1987) and Jim Abrahams, David Zucker and Jerry Zucker (Airplane, 1980) were to hand [JW/random BTSHer] excerpts from their scripts and ask them to mad lib the missing words.

Title: [Hockey] Balls on an Airplane

“In a galaxy very, very, very, very far away there lived a ruthless being known as [The Sultan’s Evil Twin]. Chapter 11. [The Sultan’s Evil Twin] of [Tompkins Square Park] having foolishly squandered [his] precious [record] devised a plan to take [hockey] away from, [BTSH].”

Gut Rot and Karma put aside their [game day] differences to rise up against [The Sultan’s Evil Twin].

[Morgen] remarked: “Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit drinking.”

[Isaac] cried out: “I am the keeper of a greater magic, a power known throughout the universe as the…”

[Becca] interrupts: “The Force?”

[Isaac]: “No, the Schwartz!”

“It was at that moment that [Gut Rot] first realized [BTSH] had doubts about [Gut Rot’s sobriety]. And that, as much as anything else, [further] led to [their] drinking problems.”

[https://youtu.be/pl4plPGRG8o]

Isaac then challenged The Sultan’s Evil Twin.

[The Sultan’s Evil Twin] to [Isaac]: “You have the [hockey stick] and I see your Schwartz is as big as mine. Now let’s see how you handle it.”

[Sam N] blows his whistle: “Let’s take a 5 minute break. Smoke em if you got ’em.”

[Other referee]: “Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit smoking.”

After a short break, the fight continued.

[The Sultan’s Evil Twin] remarked: “Very impressive, Isaac, too bad this isn’t [MOFO]!”

Suddenly, a cry is heard, “It’s Mega [Touch]. She’s gone from suck to blow!”

Unbeknownst to the league, Mega Touch harvested the ultimate Schwartz and used it to vanquish The Sultan’s Evil Twin.

The End.

Gut Rot -1
Instant Karma -1
The Sultan’s Evil Twin -3
Mega Touch +1 for the largest Schwartz

Actual game prediction: Karma 1, Gut Rot 0

Filthier at Fuzz – West Court – 1:30 – September 10, 2017 – Tompkins Square Park, NYC, USA, North America, Earth
by Throatwobbler Mangrove

What can we say about either of these teams that we can’t say about the other? For example, 100% of their goalies are named either Tim or Coach. They both jammed together a bunch of players to make a superteam, they both have key players missing, they even both start with the letter F. Well I say a pox on both their F-in’ houses! Go watch the game on the other court… the pretty game with the nice kids in the turquoise shirts and the drunk team in the green ones. But if you insist on caring about this game–the one I’m actually writing about–let’s admit Filthier’s got a slight edge. They might even have a psychological edge. Fuzz knows it’s falling into the slightly saner confines of D2. What’s on the line for them is a play-in. Let’s see how hard they are willing to play on Sunday to avoid having to play an extra game of hockey. Should Fuzz win or tie, and the Sky Fighters lose or tie, they should manage to avoid having to face the mighty Rainbows– if my math is right, which it probably isn’t. On the other hand, Rich spent the previous weekend presiding over the marriage of his star player (who is his captain), and the weekend before that his team won the Championship* at Ocean City for the first time without cheating, so Fuzz may be coming in with a psychological edge of their own. So now that I’ve filled a paragraph with nonsense, let me summarize it as best as I can: eh, who knows, who cares?

Prediction: Filthier 4, Fuzz 3 (Jeff scores 19 goals but 17 are disallowed; the other goal is from Gil).

Gremlins at Magnus Attactus
by Gorgeous Greene

I’d like to use this preview as an opportunity to discuss JW and numbers, not his +/- (which is atrocious), but his inability to count (3-2-3) instances of him being wrong in the proper APA style (three, two, three). It’s a good thing Jamie is there to bail him out by being correct ALL THE TIME. You know who else is right? Marcella (two on the leader list), Erich (seven) and Cody (10).

Key to the game for Mega: socks. If Alex wears his amazing stripey bumble bee socks, and Brady wears his eat sh*t socks… anything can happen. Like Brady scoring on a snoozing Jamie (deflected off JW). IT CAN HAPPEN. Julie, I think you should get cool socks for your whole team.

Prediction: Jamie doesn’t pull a repeat snafu and the Gremmies win 5-2, despite Walker pulling a Glanzer (-2).

by Arya Stark

With just one week left in the regular season before rain day tournaments, 80s proms and, eventually, playoffs, there’s a lot at stake for teams across the league.  Games to watch for on the final day of the 2017 regular season:

Dark Rainbows v Tompkins Riots (12:30 – East Court)
Previous Meeting: 3-2 Riots in shootout (week 5)

The Rainbows will look to avoid the ignominy of being the first winless team in, according to the Sultan, “the modern era.”  Their sole point in the standings came in an absurd 17 round shootout loss to these very same Riots in week five, and the Riots have hit a major rough patch in losing their last seven games.  Rainbows will have a golden opportunity to get a win on the board and some momentum going into a play-in game against (most likely) either Gut Rot or Fuzz.  NFL fans may note that this early game has the feel of every 12:30 Detroit Lions Thanksgiving day kickoff game ever.

Hookers v Cobra Kai (2:30 – West Court)
Previous Meeting: 4-0 Cobra Kai (week 9)

The battle for the Katz Division pits the current fourth and fifth overall seeds against each other for bragging rights and the ability to move up to the CMB division next season.  Their first matchup was a 4-0 game in which, I’ve been informed by a Hooker, they were missing “tons of players.”  Classic excuse, but that’s the type of strong negotiation one should expect from a hooker.

Both teams feature elite players across the board: male, female, scorers, goaltenders.  Regardless of their division, these are two of the top teams in the league by just about any metric:

Points: 4th (CK) and 5th (CH)
Goals For: tied for 2nd
Goals Against: 2nd (CK) and 4th (CH)
Goal Differential: 2nd (CK) and 4th (CH)

If Cobra Kai wins, they can move up to 2nd with some help from the LBS but would guarantee themselves no worse than third place.  A Hookers overtime or shootout win and we would need to go all the way down to the third tiebreaker of goal differential which Cobra Kai would hold by two.  The Hookers need to win in regulation to clinch the division and potentially the #3 seed if Filthier loses to Fuzz.

LBS v Rehabs (4:00 – East Court)
Previous Meeting: 4-2 LBS (week 9)

A championship rematch and possible second round playoff preview, this has the potential to be one of the most explosive matchups of the afternoon.  The Rehabs have won five straight, including an impressive 5-1 dismantling of the previously rolling Gremlins (an apt adjective considering I recently learned they’re named after a car and their logo isn’t some random insanity), while the LBS have picked up 11 of a possible 12 points since a July 9 loss to the Butchers that put stalwart defender and former captain Sasha Owen on the IR.  While this game doesn’t matter much for LBS in terms of playoff seeding (they are already locked into the 8v9 matchup), it will be a crucial tune-up game for both teams entering the postseason.  If Cobra Kai are victorious at 2:30, they’ll put pressure on the Rehabs to win in order to maintain their #2 overall seed.  If the Hookers are able to take down the dojo, Rehabs will clinch second before the opening faceoff but will still want to make a statement and avenge one of their only two regulation losses of the season.

What The Puck v Poutine Machine (5:00 – West Court)
Previous Meeting: 3-0 WTP (week 1)

The two best teams in the Michaliga division will square off for the first time since the season opener, a simpler time when Caps fans had their annual springtime false hopes going and no one had any notion of what covfefe meant (most people still don’t).  Poutine has already clinched their division and end-of-season promotion but can move up to 5th with a victory and losses by the Hookers and Gremlins.  They’ll have to deal with the absence of Charlotte and the fury of Zac who will be looking to a) lead his team to a 9th place finish and b) not get thrown out of the game.  Will the OC pornstache make a comeback en route to what people in that industry would call “a spirited finish?”  BTSH enthusiasts and confused perverts alike will be watching intently.

Your Sultan is very excited about this week. First off, the Rainbows are opening and Poutine is the closing team. Newman is opening and closing. Speaking of Newman, Sam Norris is right. He’ll never ref again…after this week! Newman is moving to S.F. or some other place in Cali. So please show a little class and yell at him one last time. I have to say…I’m going to miss you, Newmie.
Newman.

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Hey BTSH, have you heard the radical news?  The 80’s Prom is right around the corner and it fer sure promises to be a wicked good time!  So don’t be a dweeb by waiting until the last minute, be a boss by signing up now and locking down a bodacious date.

Hey BTSHers,

As most of you already know, there were a lot of structural changes to the league this year, including some increased insurance coverage. With that said, we unfortunately need everyone to RE-REGISTER to be ELIGIBLE for PLAYOFFS. It takes a few seconds to fill out the form, so please follow rule #1 and just take care of this and don’t make your captains police you down.

RE-REGISTRATION LINK

If you don’t fill out the new registration form you will not be allowed to play in the playoffs. No exceptions.

Thanks for understanding!

– The Board