The 3 Stars of Ocean City
August 31st, 2017Written by RichieHero
For the 9th(??) straight year BTSHers went down to OC with hopes of eating crabs, hooking up, and hockey glory…in that order. Other fools would give the first star to Worky for putting this all together, but that just seems lazy. Like he’d always get the first star. So instead of a star Worky, you get a trapezoid.
Is a Trapezoid > Star? It’s better than the 2nd and 3rd stars, but not the first. Sorry Worky but thanks again for another great tourney!
10 Things I Learned At Ocean City: 2017 Edition
August 30th, 2017by Dave GDR
They say the third time is the charm and while that may not be the case given the fact that Basic Beaches (or the team formerly known as The Red Tide) has not won a game in three years of tournament play, this year’s version of Hockey At the Beach turned out to be the best (at least for me personally). To that end, here is knowledge that I gleaned from my third tourney, starting with the car ride I took down with Corlears Hooker’s latest free agent Lee and his lovely better half Brittany.
1. Mormons wear something that we infidels refer to as magic underwear. Anyone who is familiar with Book of Mormon, South Park or ever watched a rerun of the Donnie and Marie Show knows this. What you might not know is that these wondrous garments are made by little old ladies who volunteer their time and members of the LDS pay cost for these two-piece fashions, which comes out to $1 for the bottoms and about $1.50 for the tops.
Bonus fact—the only time you can take them off is during what I call the three Esses—Sex, Sports and Showering.
2. Anheuser-Busch is the exclusive beer sponsor for every NFL franchise except for four of them—the Chicago Bears, Green Bay Packers, Minnesota Vikings and the Dallas Cowboys. The first three are because Miller Beer has a headquarters in Milwaukee and those are kind of in their regional wheelhouse. The fourth is because Jerry Jones and his ego somehow has an extreme dislike of the Busches.
3. Sam N and Rubens apparently have the market cornered on the kind of one-piece bathing suits that were all the rage in the Gay ‘90s (also known as the Mauve Decade—thank you Wikipedia).
This is Zac hoisting OC’s version of the kettle bell.
4. I now know who Zac (Ball) Hogg is. He is really good at hockey. He also sports the kind of facial hair that makes me think his day job involves him wearing a wrestling singlet, hoisting square kettle bells on the boardwalk at Coney Island while demonstrating various feats of strength as his brother Phineas looks on.
5. Apparently, Roberts is not the only really good hockey player who comes from his neck of the woods.
6. As great as Ocean City 2017 was this year (and it was), it was somehow a little less rock and roll because of Mike D’s absence along with that of Nicholas B, who did not venture south from the Great White North this time around.
7. Rich Glnzr is a man of his word as he kept a videotaped promise to not have he or his cohorts on Cecil Harambe (spelled correctly) inflict harm on myself, Lee or Sheena. For some reason, Alok was left off this list.
Poor Alok couldn’t even stand up straight after the bought with Cecil(e) Harambe.
8. Scott K of Lbs., (who twisted his ankle in the later playoff rounds but rallied back), does in fact own another shirt besides his Blink-182 concert t-shirt. Not unlike Glanzer, going sleeveless is a prerequisite as is his ability to wear a garment that has no sides on it either.
Twin Dekes, featuring Showtime with an attempted Green Moon.
9. Hector “Showtime” Melendez finally came down to Ocean City and somehow he managed to stay on one team. That said, his Tinder profile picture got less than favorable feedback at Seacrets.
10. And speaking of Seacrets, BSA almost didn’t get in one time because he had the temerity to try and roll up on the bouncer while wearing a white v-neck.
God Bless the Heckle Wall.
Hockey Beach 2017 Team Previews – Part 2
August 25th, 2017BTSHers are making their way down to Ocean City in waves and this year there are a record 9 teams registered. Let’s get to know those teams by diving into those Team Previews. Here’s Part 2. Enjoy!
Twin Dekes
by Justin M
After a long awaited foresight into David Lynch’s return to the main screen, Twin Dekes is on Season 3 – just like it’s counterpart of the TV Series. However, just like the Lynchian exploration, the majority consumers have become bored and tiresome of the gig. This falls perfectly in the spectrum in which Twin Dekes strives upon. Don’t sleep on these damn fine hockey players – they like their damn fine coffee just how they like their dualing peni.
Cecial Harambe
by Richiepoothang
Cecil and Harambe died for our sins. So we play for them.
Except not many of us are actually playing for them… because much like our heroes, our enemies have smited us. Hicks, Barch and Tom have all fallen to the stupid idiot kid who shot Harambe, and the evil dentist who had Cecil killed. Our women are like Xena. Warrior Princesses who tried to get poached by JW. But Walker needs to learn about HLR. Hustle. Loyalty. Respect.
Cecil greets Harambe in Animal Heaven by trying to send him to Animal Hell.
You tried to poach them last year, you tried to poach them this year you’ll try to poach them next year. But like Queen Nabatz said, it didn’t work last year, it didn’t work this year and it will never work.
We may have suffered a lot of blows…but the one thing you will get from us is max effort on the courts…and the desire to kill Sam N in go-karts. Or anywhere else. We want him dead.
Against All Odds… we will bring home championship gold.
Lets go Mets, Lets go America, and LETS GO CECIL HARAMBE!!!
And when we win… we will all travel back to NY and PILE ON BARCH!!!
Hockey Balboa
by Dana
It’s a mix of people who have never played or are new to hockey (hi Naji and Lindsey!) and people who came out of the womb playing (MDF and Cherie). It’s a team of contrasts, some of us are really, really strong hockey players (Rachel) and some of us are really, really good at jokes (Art). Some of us are preparing by making extensive packing lists (Scott is bringing a few “modest” shirts you guys, for when you just need to bring things down a notch…), some of us are drinking all the PBR in New York and then going to drink all the PBR in O.C. (Brady. He’s ready you guys. Mind and body, it’s all about mind and body). We are all preparing for wardrobe malfunctions – Alex FD considers these part of his game – “it’s all about the intimidation factor, he says. You want your opponent saying, ‘wait, is that guy wearing a small dog’s chewed up tank top?’ Yes, yes, I am.”
Morning sunshine.
Jesus Penus
First there was Shawarma, then there was Kum, now…..there is Penus. No, this isn’t some weird porn that Rich Glanzer would watch…it’s our team.
Jesus Penus
Behold this crew of lime tossin’, ukulele playin’, go kart racin’, ice cream eatin’, kazoo blowin’, +/- countin’, Tito’s drinkin’ gals and guys.
Behold the penus. Rising…….umm, like a phoenix. And shooting………umm, fire, like a dragon.
Jesus Penus. Dear Father, Son, and the holy let’s play toast.
Sea Section
by Drew Peacock
Born from blood and scalpels, the Sea Sections arrive at Ocean City with only one thing on their minds: getting drunk on the beach. Sure there’s hockey, Seacrets, and the water park, but to this crew of mostly Anklebiters with an accent of Gut Rot and a Rehabs goaltender, the mission is clear.
“I just wanna make sure I wake up still an anal virgin,” said captain Probie of the Anklebiters. “Or at least someone bought me a few drinks first.”
Proud owners of a collective six gold medals at the BTSH Olympics, this squad boasts some high profile professional drinkers who are glad to have a noon (latest slot) start time on their first game – courtesy of tournament organizer and team member Worky McParty.
“I plan to be face down in a pool of my own urine until 11:53,” said McParty. “Hey, decision is in your hands, what would you do?”
Still, the Sea Sections are ready for the sport courts and vow to demonstrate discipline in preparation for their tournament run.
“We may have a few crab bloodies before we play,” said Caroline of the Anklebiters. “But we now have a strict no pre-game blow policy this year.”
Hockey Beach 2017 Team Previews – Part 1
August 24th, 2017BTSHers are making their way down to Ocean City in waves and this year there are a record 9 teams registered. Let’s get to know those teams by diving into those Team Previews. Here’s Part 1. Enjoy!
Shortis
by Greg I
Ocean City re-peat champs.
Two-time defending champions Shortis face many important questions going into the 2017 edition of Ocean City; how will team chemistry be affected by the myriad defections and additions that have taken place this off-season? Will the team’s conspicuous gluttony (Electric Prune donuts, Über Bagel, Crab Bag, Seacrets) and resultant complacency stand in the way of the elusive threepeat? Will Dan (Mr.Clutch) Hopper’s flight from LAX arrive in time for the all-important opening round clashes? Will Greg finally break down the icy reserve of the Serbian-born sweeties at the Dairy Queen, culminating in happy Slavic bliss and BTSH expanding to include a Belgrade-based franchise? Will Jeff continue to combine brilliant play with the win-at-all-costs attitude that resulted in a penalty after accidentally steamrolling a female opponent at a crucial moment in last year’s (semi?) final game (A controversial call that Workey referred to as ‘the easiest I’ve had to make in all my years of reffing’)? Will Tim (the nicest man in BTSH) K stand on his head yet again? WHY IS ASSAWOMAN DRIVE CALLED ASSAWOMAN DRIVE? Can we get the confederate flag towels and (especially) board shorts banished from Sunsations, once and for all?
The answers to all these questions and more will be provided by Olivier Brassard at 4:10 am Sunday morning in Room 307 of the Cayman Suites Hotel!
Basic Beaches
by Tia and Joe
The Basic Beaches
Coming for your iron throne
Going beyond the wall
A team has no name.
Well, actually, we do. We’re the Basic Beaches and we’re about to ruin your fu-night-king weekend. Thought you were that stacked team of BTSH-bro-superstars ready to descend upon the OC like a dragon on the army of the dead? Well, get ready to call us your Khaleesi. Winter is coming to the beach and you’re about to have something in common with the unsullied.
Thin Mints
by Klion and Roberts
A short time ago in a dive bar close, close by…
Klion and Roberts Pounded a shot of “Jameson” and slightly winced before the Gut Rot hit. This particular batch tasted slightly better than the usual Fish [black] Market batch. What The Puck is going on? Everyone’s favorite Hooker – and Fish resident – confirmed this was a unique blend. Somewhere over the Rainbow two free agents chatted, finding their way next to some Gremlins and fellow bright-shirt enthusiasts. There’s only one place where this wild bunch makes sense: OCMD.
Beach, Beer, Hockey – the ultimate hat trick.
With the roster in place, the team leaned onto the Buccimane for its name and landed on Thin Mints. An intense training regime followed, with blackouts happening at the rate of playoff-mode Handsome Ellery, BTSH Emeritus and NYC Caps Fans HOFer. (SOUTHEAST CHAMPZ FOR LYFE!!!) The only thing stronger than the collective BAC of the Thin Mints is their bond. A bond strong enough to stand the ultimate test: the Girl Scout Code.
On my honor, I will try:
To serve God and my county
Ok, being honest: this is a far inferior No. 1 rule to don’t be a dick. Also don’t be a dick typically serves God and country. Great success! Next.
To help people at all times
I learned one thing early in Ocean City: people are always in need of help. My first night in Ocean City, I was a league rookie. I knew a handful of folks going in and got to know a lot more over the course of the weekend. At the tiki beach party kick off, I had no beer. Alok, what a guy, handed me a Miller High Life. I had to pay this forward.
The next night, league hero and the artist currently known as Sultan needed a pee buddy outside* of Wawa. I was up to the task. Two confident streams christened the shit out of that bush. Help comes in many forms and not all heroes wear capes.
*yes, Wawa is open 24 hours and yes, that means its bathrooms are too. To this day I have no explanation, or regrets, for this event. FUZZ!
One of these guys is really happy, the other has crabs.
To live by the Girl Scout Law
Wait, what is the Girl Scout Law? I thought this was the Girl Scout Code? Part of the code is a law? This kind of bureaucratic crap is why Rick destroyed the Galatic Federation. Heck, just like the Blemflarck went to 0, these laws are getting discounted. We’re making our own badges! No really, there’s a robust list of more than 50 “honor” badges up for earning over the course of the weekend. Highlights include:
- ‘The Bender’ – Being drunk for 72+ hours
- ‘The Arya Stark’ – Saucing a pass at a teammate’s head while they’re open in the slot
- ‘The Craig Lacomb Badge of Honor” – Nudity on the court
Secrets Rule – always one Moore round.
The key word in the entire piece of the Girl Scout Code is “try.” That will be the theme throughout the course of the weekend.
- We will try to make our 10am game – Cro will play ‘Party Hard’ starting at 8am, I like our odds.
- We will try to eat more crabs than Justin. | This will not be done. Period. The man is a tank.
- We will try to make it out of Seacrets with our dignity. | Questionable to doubtful.
- We will try to have a cleaner house than the Drunk Machine. | Close call here.
- And above all, we will try to exceed last year’s record-setting post-Seacrets drunk bus USA chant. | We will succeed with flying colors!
God bless the Girl Scouts, God bless America. Good night and good luck.
Drunk Machine
by BSA
Three Stars of Week 17
August 23rd, 2017
Third Star
Predictability of Stupidity
Bonjour!
Some of the best advice that Bullet-Tooth Tony ever offered was to “never underestimate the predictability of stupidity.” Case in point, Sultan and Hornswoggle, two league vets and media writers often dare to preview games and predict outcomes for our own enjoyment. Last week one of them stepped in it by accurately calling the Rehabs game 5-1 because Eric R would give up a goal and the other proclaiming that a game would be “shit, pure shit”. Note to each of them: don’t piss off one of the best goalies in the league and don’t poke a potentially sleeping giant.
Prediction: Rehabs will blank Fuzz in their next contest (only in the one Eric plays in though) and the Biters will end Poutine’s Cinderella season by dressing them in a clown suit in the playoffs.
Second Star
Hobo Commentary
Uh, I’ll take a Snapple with Vodka in it.
During the contest between the Gremlins and Rehabs a lively hobo sauntered into the west court, made himself comfortable on a bench and provided some colorful commentary on the game. Quickly discovering which Rehab was Amber he proceeded to repeatedly (and loudly) announce ‘Amber Alert!’ each time she had the ball. All while serenading the Gremmies/Bananas/Human Condoms (as they were sometimes called) with his version of the Beatles ‘Yellow Submarine’ and blurting out football plays during inbound countdowns. And don’t feel bad Showtime, we think you wear No. 23 just as good as the original.
First Star
Keeping It Interesting
Riveting.
This past Sunday the Soko, CMB and Michalgia divisions were all wrapped up by Fresh Kills, Butchers and Poutine Machine respectively. The only division still up for grabs is Katz…
When the league reconvenes on Sunday, September 10th the battle between the repugnant Corlears Hookers and the honor-less Cobra Kai will be pure must see BTSH. All the marbles, bragging rights and two precious points to catapult the winner into the CMB division (where they’ll be staring into Glanzer’s salty mug twice in 2018) will be on the line. The media has already predicted a win for the Hookers (resulting in one writer to go into hiding), however Liam, LJ, BigRussBoiRoss and Campbell haven’t bent the knee just yet. Noel, Sam, Danilo and Tiffany have all been here before and know what pressure means. It is all going down on the West Court at 2:30 pm and it promises to be epic. Be there or be dog hair.
Honorable mentions:
Scoring Punch – Jeff of Fuzz was an amazing +7 by scoring 4 goals and assisting on 3 others (all of which were Miles’). With Hicks out until the playoffs (get well champ) and Sultan receiving more playing time the Fuzz need his offensive talents more than ever.
Shadow Karate – Tompkins Square Park has just about seen it all. Dead girlfriend soup, Hobos, Dana smashing a bottle, Riots, BTSH, and now this…
(photo credit: Adam R)
