Week 17 Previews: Part Two
August 18th, 2017Cobra Kai (final game: Corlears Hookers) at Filthier (final game: Fuzz)
by Arya Stark
Two of the league’s top teams face off in Sunday’s kickoff matchup when #2 seeded Cobra Kai takes on the #4 seeded 2015 champion Filthier. Filthier is coming off an impressive and somewhat controversial shootout win over Fresh Kills that gave the blue machine their first blemish of the season. Filthy sits at #3 in the league in goals for and needs this game to keep pace for a top four seed which would mathematically guarantee a first round matchup against a play-in team and the ability to avoid a Fresh Kills revenge game until the final four. Meanwhile, Cobra Kai haven’t suffered a loss since a June 4 defeat to those very same Fresh Kills, reeling off an impressive seven straight in the interim. They have perhaps the toughest remaining schedule of all teams with this matchup followed by a season ender against the Hookers that will likely determine the division winner. If they win both, they’ll clinch second place as they hold the tiebreaker against the Rehabs and guarantee themselves a promotion to the CMB division next season. The key to this game (besides Will Green scoring hat tricks and having sex on the sidelines) will be the matchup in net where Campbell will have to be at his best to shut down Filthy’s firepower and Tim will need to match him every step of the way.
Prediction: Cobra Kai keeps the momentum going with a hard fought 4-3 win.
Mega Touch (L/L/W/L/L; final game: Gremlins) at LBS., Inc. (W/W/W/W/L; final game: Rehabs)
Tompkins West, 1530
by Jerome
Mega Touch 2017
Our jort-wearing crew succinctly doesn’t stand a chance, and the los blancos find it imperative to get out of the bottom 40% of the league standings (for those of you not good at fractions: 20 teams in total, bottom 40%: bottom 8 teams. Got it? Good.). Karsten might not show because he’ll be busy jetsetting, but you know who will be there? Of course, the man who must not be named, and perhaps in a certain light, he would look like Voldemort, but evil wizard or not, his hockey sorcery might net him a brace, after Brady has worked the hardest to parry him.
Prediction: Los blancos by two.
Poutine Machine (final game: What The Puck) at Mathematics (final game: Denim Demons)
by Isaac
With the Michaliga division all wrapped up Hornswoggle and Co. don’t have a whole lot to play for down the stretch of the season. Sure Mike can attempt to work on padding his stats, Christina might notch a second career goal, but from what I’m hearing they’re focused on Drunk Machine at Hockey Beach.
Poutine Machine 2017
Math on the other hand have a shot at finishing atop the CMB division. With only 1 point behind the Butchers, and two points out of the lead, they could going out on two dates with Liz and Klion next season. The real question though is do they want to? (Play in the Soko division that is. I mean, come on, who wouldn’t two shots at those gals?)
Prediction: Machine comes out swinging (geez, we hope not literally) and shocks Math by taking an early two goal lead, but the heroics of Michele and Hippy in the second will secure the W by one.
Dark Rainbows (L/L/L/L/L; final game: Mathematics) at Butchers (W/L/W/L/L; final game: Fresh Kills)
Tompkins West, 1645
by Jerome
This might be a real snoozer, but you might be in for a surprise if you stick for this one. It should be made apparent now more than ever that our bloody meat cleavers—particularly the captain, Rachel—don’t want to get promoted to the premier Soko Division. What an opportunity to hand over a win to the winless men and women in flamingo pink: the team that has done its best week after week, failed, and still manages to hold a smile despite the record. If all goes well, Rachel shall allow Mike T. from Sky Fighters, Zac from What the Puck, and Maire from Gremlins to play this game.
Prediction: Rachel’s really gonna throw in the towel. Rainbows by 1, so it doesn’t look suspect.
Fresh Kills (W/W/W/W/SO; final game: Butchers) at Corlears Hookers (W/W/W/W/W; final game: Cobra Kai)
Hockey Night in Tompkins [National Telecast], Tompkins East, 1800
by Jerome
Corlears Hookers 2017
Either this will be a barnburner, or a complete stalemate in regulation. Unfair to masses is how Filthier had to take a point away from Barch last week, because it would’ve been nice to be part of an undefeated team in the history books. Question is, though: with a point to secure the league and one game remaining, is it worth it to play a full squad? The [Cr]ookers certainly need the points to approach the division title, and they’ll definitely try hard to do it… they might even overdo it if Fresh Kills are short and simply hand them a mercy rule. But if Fresh Kills wants to play, they’ll play.
Prediction: A full Kills squad will give Longwell a hard time, and the Hookers’ chirpers won’t be able to sufficiently counter Ariel and Gabe. Fresh Kills by two.
Gouging Anklebiters (L/L/W/L/W; final game: Sky Fighters) at Gut Rot (W/L/W/W/L; final game: Instant Karma)
Hockey Night in Tompkins [Regional Telecast], Tompkins West, 1800
by Jerome
The final matchup of the day is the kind where, after you’ve watched the game and TV stations are trying to fill in the time slots, they put the ShamWow™ dude on. Sure, the first few minutes might show energy, but the entire infomercial is shit. Just plain shit. Sidenote: the renditions/parodies on YouTube are hilarious. Back on track—Chadtrick’s troops have more of a motivation to prevent being relegated than Gut Rot sabotaging Poutine’s or What the Puck’s plans of dominating the division. And with Barcelona losing the Supercopa de Espana this week and signing the “worst player of Tottenham”, Isaac might use the stored anger constructively: towards his matchup.
That’s not to say that kids like Akhil and Gilligan won’t score—in fact, they will—but I reckon it won’t be enough to match what Probie and Alex can put up, especially when the former is due to score again.
Prediction: Anklebiters will sail its ship in turbulent waters, but come out with the two points they’ve been searching for. But Gut Rot will have one more chance to ruin Poutine or What the Puck (most likely the latter if Poutine wins the matchup… with What the Puck).
Sultan’s Message…Week 16
August 18th, 2017Hello loyal Sultanites. We are still working on getting the emails…I’m not a tech Sultan so I’m at the mercy of smarter technites than myself. So if anyone on your team isn’t on Facebook (that hasn’t already blocked me) hopefully they see this very important message.
Below are the games. Let’s look at the standings! Ugh there not updated…Walker you are seriously the worst. (-1) for you for sure. The Sultan is pulling for Tarzan (MDF’s brother) to fall from a tree so Bernstein and his Rainbows can notch their first victory. The 2008 Elves, 2016 Gut Rot found a way to win one…we are all pulling for you Rainbows!
Finally the movie is coming out!
Week 17 Previews: Part One
August 18th, 2017Cobra Kai (final game: Corlears Hookers) at Filthier (final game: Fuzz)
by Arya Stark
Arya is putting on her best Chadflake impression so I’m left to write this one on the fly. Perhaps she didn’t survive the latest leaked episode.
Sorry CK, you might as well take the day off and enjoy the weather at the beach or museum. (See yesterday’s piece on What Teams Need.)
Filthier 2017
In the event that CK doesn’t take my advice then you better show up Filthier, because the evil dojo is a bit irked by that article. Best of luck!
Prediction: both teams perform admirably, but Filthy wins in regulation.
Instant Karma (final game: Gut Rot) at Fuzz (final game: Filthier)
by JW
I can’t think of anything funny today, so unfortunately I think I’m going to have to make this an actual preview. Hmm, Fuzz + Karma = Farma….. = Big Pharma? Maybe there is something there, that I can work with? Nah, I give up. Actual hockey preview…….here we go.
Karma has struggled this season, however they have been improving in recent weeks, and they notched 2 points last week. While Chadwick was traveling through eastern Europe recruiting new hockey talent and playing the kazoo at open mic nights, Isaac was actually recruiting new hockey talent, right here at home. With Alex’s departure to the wrong coast, Karma is also on the hunt for a new goalie. Right before playoff time. I cannot think of a worse place to be. Well, other than at a Dave Matthews concert. However, they are trying out a new guy this week, so things may be looking up for our turquoise……what rhymes with turquoise? Hmm, I’ll work on that one and get back to you. Also, I won’t predict Nicole to score this week, because it hasn’t been working for me.
Fuzz has been exactly at .500 all season long, and they still are. They have had some attendance issues, which have hurt them. They have also had some issues getting the box scores done this week, but that’s a whole other story. Since they’re always at .500, predicting what is going to happen to them in a given game is very difficult. But I know exactly what is going to happen to them in this game: Alexa ends up with a ref cancelling at the last minute, has to ref her own game, and doesn’t get to play in it. Jeff is still at home doing the box scores from last week, so he doesn’t get to play in the game. Rich gets stuck on the LIE and doesn’t make the game. Gil is in Rich’s car and doesn’t make the game. Alyssa gets stuck in a snowstorm up in her native Buffalo, her flight is cancelled, and she misses the game.
Normally the obvious favorite in this matchup would be Fuzz, but given the Murphy’s Law situation that they’re going to go through on Sunday, this one will be closer than you think, as it goes to OT.
Prediction: Fuzz has at times gotten a bad rap, but they aren’t evil. Big Pharma is evil. However, like Big Pharma……they win.
Walsh continues his hot streak and gets the OT winner. Fuzz 4-3, in OT.
What The Puck (final game: Poutine Machine) at Denim Demons (final game: Mathematics)
by Isaac
It’s hard to imagine the Demons finishing the season with single digit points. Yeah, sure we know there’s still an amber alert out Sefi, but still, there’s too much talent to count them out (even when fasting). The moxie that the Rosen bros bring each week is sure to be the key for the Demons in this one.
Denim Demons 2017
Speaking of players with dauntlessness and determination, the Pucks are full of them! Zac’s been averaging a goal + a game, Sam tasted the Box Scores a couple weeks ago, and there isn’t a challenge that Susie would back down from. They may be in Justin’s division, but they play Julie’s.
Prediction: a close contest throughout this match, but it will the veteran savvy of the Demons that prevails by 4-3.
Gremlins (final game: Mega Touch) at Rehabs (final game: LBS, Inc.)
by Sultan
I hate both of these teams.
The Gremlins ruined the hopes and dreams of many Survivor people including myself, because we almost all picked them over Karma. I mean who thought Karma could win that game? They were without Walker, Walsh and the myriad of players from other teams that typically play for Karma, who hate the free agent list as much as Trump hates people who dislike Nazis.
Meanwhile the Rehabs beat Fuzz 6-2 last week…even though I’m fairly certain none of their goals went into the net, and Sena paid off the refs. But alas, a Sultan must forgive his loyal subjects.
Prediction: this game comes down to one thing. How good will Jamie play? If Jamie can be on his A-game, and the Gremmies sans Erich (bc he’s not playing) can dump the ball, create some offense, cover the Rehabs well…they too can lose only 6-2. But if Jamie only plays well, the Gremmies lose their man in space, then it can be a lot worse. I’m feeling generous today, I’ll go with the Rehabs 5-0. 5-1 if Eric plays net. Team $h0wT!m3!!
Sky Fighters (final game: Gouging Anklebiters) at Tompkins Square Riots (final game: Dark Rainbows)
by Gorgeous Greene
The Skyfighters still have the Soko Division in their sights, if they win the next two games, and Math and Butchers lose(and/or throw their games) Smiles and his brother are moving on up. Have fun with that, guys. What does this mean to the Riots? Absolutely nothing. Dave GDR still doesn’t want to let Olivier or his sidekick Jake score a goal. Laura will tenaciously chase down every ball. Joe will do that thing where he is fast and scores goals. Suz definitely smiles more, but she it doesn’t mean she wants to win any less.
Tompkins Square Riots 2017
All that being said, the Skyfighters have some serious firepower.
Prediction: 4-3 Sky Fighters. Enjoy Soko.
What Teams Are Playing For
August 17th, 2017by Jerome
What I’ve seen for 13 consecutive seasons holds true and will hold true for as long as this league stands: there will always be one or two teams that fight until the very last week to not be looked at as contenders, but as beacons for what BTSH stands for: fun (drinking, being social) and family (developing friendships and for some, partnerships of the romantic kind). I know that some teams, too, are looking for that equilibrium in order to show others that Ls bring on more negative emotions than Ws bringing positive ones. We’re hoping the prom could solve some of these issues. But for now, let’s build some rumor hype, speculation, or just flat-out bullshit on why some teams still want to play until the last whistle of the last game of the season… what’s in it for them?
DAVE GDR CONFERENCE
Soko Division
Fresh Kills (31 pts)
Current Standings: Division – 1st, League – 1st
Remaining Games: Corlears Hookers, Butchers
Reason to Continue: The Golden State Fresh Kills perhaps already achieved the league summit with an overtime loss against Filthier sans Suvin, but the aim would be to remain undefeated in regulation, a feat that has never been produced in the Tompkins era.
Potential Wins: 2
Rehabs (26 pts)
Current Standings: Division – 2nd, League – 2nd
Remaining Games: Gremlins, LBS Inc.
Reason to Continue: The rossoneri would like to see themselves prosper through the dance, but that would possibly mean maintaining momentum through the rest of the season. Such would instill fear in opponents, which would be enough to catch Ws for as long as they would like.
Potential Wins: 2
Filthier (24 pts)
Current Standings: Division – 3rd, League – 5th
Remaining Games: Cobra Kai, Fuzz
Reason to Continue: Suvin has been one of the keys to proving the team’s success, and they’ve been piling on the Ws quietly while other teams were willingly walking into the spotlights and three-star articles. James and Sunny want to prove they can succeed without their main man, with hands clutching onto Kleenex(es) to remember his tenure.
Potential Wins: 1
LBS, Inc. (20 pts)
Current Standings: Division – 4th, League – 8th
Remaining Games: Mega Touch, Rehabs
Reason to Continue: It is LBS’ best interest to get into the #7~#12 seed range, which is very possible. Our Disney®-singing, backwards hat-wearing ball of energy who shall not be named would, at the moment, be fine with this spot, knowing that he won’t be bothered and can concentrate on what his roles will be as the postseason approaches.
Potential Wins: 1
Fuzz (16 pts)
Current Standings: Division – 5th, League – 13th
Remaining Games: Instant Karma, Filthier
Reason to Continue: At best, The Sultan’s slaves should keep trying to win in order to avoid being in the play-in pool. An underwhelming season filled with upsets—particularly from Gut Rot—the 18 games can be put to rest with a successful playoff run. This means the pro-Fuzz group will have to weed out the, “This group sucks, I’m out” people and get the remainder of them committed to the team.
Potential Wins: 1
CMB Division
Butchers (19 pts)
Current Standings: Division – 1st, League – 9th
Remaining Games: Dark Rainbows, Fresh Kills
Reason to Continue: The dirty tide—particularly the female veteran trident of Rachel, Georgine, and MDF—have such a great record but know the consequences of having it. Winners of this division will likely have a strict 2018 schedule, even if they’re premier division contenders. That said, maybe they’ll throw the last two games… who knows?
Potential Wins: 1
Mathematics (18 pts)
Current Standings: Division – 2nd, League – 11th
Remaining Games: Poutine Machine, Denim Demons
Reason to Continue: All of them had to have experienced a dizzying 2017 season. We can forgive them because its players run different committees, ref, and just get hung over like the rest of us. But we also know that they’re better than what they are on paper, so it’s imperative to fight these last two for good playoff standing, or it’ll be yet another season that they’ll be screwed.
Potential Wins: 2
Sky Fighters (16 pts)
Current Standings: Division – 3rd, League – 14th
Remaining Games: Tompkins Square Riots, Gouging Anklebiters
Reason to Continue: The glory that once belonged to the Sky Fighters early in the Tompkins era is similar to the candle in Elton John’s “Candle in the Wind”. As Wikipedia describes the song as a “sympathetic portrayal” of one’s life, we can classify the Fighters’ fall from dynastic rule in recent years as a sob story of sorts. The attempt of having a protagonist in Mike T. is commendable, but then you think of the greats like one-man wonder Martin C. and question where they’ve all gone. No doubt will they aim for a .500 record.
Potential Wins: 2
Gouging Anklebiters (13 pts)
Current Standings: Division – 4th, League – 15th
Remaining Games: Gut Rot, Sky Fighters
Reason to Continue: Undoubtedly it’s been fun for the team donning Swedish colors. Their team song conceptually is Big Sean’s “IDFWU” and they’ve been partying it up since Week 1. Things took a turn last Sunday when Worky decided to manscape his face with a pedo-stache, but overall it’s been a chill 2017 for Schuie’s smartalecks. They can certainly win their last two if they put in the good ‘ol college try, after which they’ll potentially land at the top of the play-in group.
Potentials Wins: 1
Denim Demons (6 pts)
Current Standings: Division – 5th, League – 19th
Remaining Games: What the Puck, Mathematics
Reason to Continue: The collaboration between Jenn and Adam has been progressing, and while the results haven’t been fruitful yet, there is still a lot of optimism within. They’ve certainly established identity, and all that’s left is experience. Have all the players experience the rest of the season, and the playoffs, and the following season will surely bring on more recruits and better results for them.
Potential Wins: 1
HORNSWOGGLE CONFERENCE
Katz Division
Cobra Kai (26 pts)
Current Standings: Division – 1st, League – 3rd
Remaining Games: Filthier, Corlears Hookers
Reason to Continue: The Dojo is in a race with two other teams to clinch the division, which has been the most ruthless of the four. Altman’s persistence to rally on his team has somehow, telepathically, reached his current squad, armed with a “never say die” attitude. It’s paying off. Nabatz and Russell have been solid fixtures for the team, and the media glosses over these grinders for not being on the scoresheet; however, their ability to pull their team through one game after another may help them snatch the division.
Potential Wins: 0
Corlears Hookers (25 pts)
Current Standings: Division – 2nd, League – 4th
Remaining Games: Fresh Kills, Cobra Kai
Reason to Continue: This very physical outfit is the other team chasing The Dojo. Depending on who the core ref is, this team is the kind that will, much to Cobra Kai’s surprise, will strike first and without warning, and their goals will count in the process. But much to their dismay, the final two games won’t be easy, and so it’s not only the desire to clinch the division, it’s also the pride of exhibiting their style of play that all the Hookers are putting on the line to achieve promotion.
Potential Wins: 1
Gremlins (24 pts)
Current Standings: Division – 3rd, League – 6th
Remaining Games: Rehabs, Mega Touch
Reason to Continue: The first of two teams trying steal The Dojo’s thunder has the scoring personnel to make it happen. Even though their next match is against the defensively staunch Rehabs, the Gremmies have always found a way to get one (or two). Closing with Mega Touch may or may not be too late for them, so it’s imperative they try to overtake the rossoneri in regulation.
Potential Wins: 1
Instant Karma (9 pts)
Current Standings: Division – 4th, League – 16th
Remaining Games: Fuzz, Gut Rot
Reason to Continue: Isaac’s enlightened ones might be in a state of shock after their last few. The squad had matches at their grasp but the finishing simply fell short of expectations. Not to mention attendance at the latter half of the summer schedule has left Karma brass asking questions about future rosters. It’s whom the team can hold onto that matters; telling them it’s worthy for them to fight to hold the division is of utmost importance, lest Mega do to them what they did to Poutine last year (leapfrogging to achieve a better position).
Potential Wins: 1
Mega Touch (7 pts)
Current Standings: Division – 5th, League – 17th
Remaining Games: LBS, Inc, Gremlins (division)
Reason to Continue: Julie hopes to salvage pride in her team, as the odds of relegation are higher for them than Karma, whose form hasn’t been positive, either. This bunch has been chill all season, and though some have emerged from Tompkins East with blood sluicing down their cheeks, they’ve nonetheless been able to shake the hands of their opponents with little to no malice at all (hint: they’ve been following the example of Alok, a Canadian). Mega will also be playing for a little luck to go their way if they truly desire to stay in the division. Only one team, though, will experience schadenfreude.
Potential Wins: 0
Michaliga Division
Poutine Machine (22 pts)
Current Standings: Division – 1st, League – 7th
Remaining Games: Mathematics, What the Puck
Reason to Continue: For the first time in years, our French-fry fanatics have the wherewithal to win their own division and be awarded a great playoff seed. The squad can seal the envelope with a win over Math, a team that has been around .500 all season. H/T to Jo-Ann, Kevin, and (ugh) BSA for changing the team’s reputation for the greater good, while gathering the right recruits to bolster the current lineup. Certainly, the aim is to keep WTP frustrated, especially when Puck’s schedule seems marginally easier.
Potential Wins: 1
What The Puck (19 pts)
Current Standings: Division – 2nd, League – 10th
Remaining Games: Denim Demons, Poutine Machine
Reason to Continue: Ever since Justin got a division named after him, Orange Crush has been… crushing it. Particularly with Hoggswoggle in the roster. They can take the division if the opportunity is there, and they won’t hesitate to do it. League surprise Gut Rot is right on their tail, though Puck might breathe a sigh of relief knowing its schedule is much easier than that of the green men (and women). Should Poutine fail to chalk off two more points in their last two, expect a late birthday present for Captain Emily.
Potential Wins: 1
Gut Rot, Bitches (17 pts)
Current Standings: Division – 3rd, League – 12th
Remaining Games: Gouging Anklebiters, Instant Karma
Reason to Continue: Peaches’ posse has turned a new leaf this season; with Ellery part-timing it, Gut Rot’s skipper has to rely on his veterans (Tommy, Luke, Morgen, Ashley, Diane) to keep cool while the remainder of the year heats up. Ideally, they’ll not want to spoil their spectacular season by aiming for a play-in game, so instead they’ll try to sabotage Puck’s and Poutine’s chances at winning the division and ending W18 explosively.
Potential Wins: 1
Tompkins Square Riots (7 pts)
Current Standings: Division – 4th, League – 18th
Remaining Games: Sky Fighters, Dark Rainbows
Reason to Continue: Dave GDR and company will want to show that they’re not weak as their record shows. Sure, a tough loss to Cobra Kai last weekend might have made the veteran netminder a little despondent. But he also knows that in order to make a team ascend in the ranks (similar to Gut Rot), it will take some time. The squad has talented players like Suz and Laura who can help Christina R. and David F. continue in their development. Meanwhile, it’s in the works that our resident celebrity Vanck will receive offseason training from one of the most highly respected players in the league… so stay tuned!
Potential Wins: 1
Dark Rainbows (1 pt)
Current Standings: Division – 5th, League – 20th
Remaining Games: Butchers, Tompkins Square Riots
Reason to Continue: It turns out that the brightest of the bunch has been the figurative doormat for the rest of the league. Sure, laugh at them while you can. Remember that nearly a decade ago, a certain franchise was in the same situation, and it only took two more seasons to achieve what its players thought was damn near impossible. The remainder of games this season should be spent playing hockey and having fun while doing it, and not get so tense about the postseason. Tia, Josh, and Rem have been considerably chill throughout the year, even when the media [sadly, but accurately] predicted thrashings. But they didn’t complain about their departures, and moved on with the people they had. Props to the lot of you for being strong!
Potential Wins: 1
Week 17 – From the Vault
August 17th, 2017It has been a while since we’ve taken a moment to face backwards on BTSH. Here are a couple hidden gems from Week 17 of previous seasons. We hope you enjoy!
In 2010 an Elve other than Gil was leading the league in goals and the league got to know their neighbor Annika from the Biters. It was also a week that Poutine would sure like to forget. And featured a Fantasy Pool. (Yo Arya, you thinking what I’m thinking?)
Back in 2008 Filthy was hardening (the f*ck) up for the playoffs while everything was coming up REEEEHHAAABBBSSS!
History seems to keep repeating itself as the Dark Rainbows were better than their record indicated in 2012 and What The Puck vs. LBS, Inc. was the Game of The Week.
Who knew that Julie liked Candy back in 2013? But I’m willing to bet that everyone knew that even a fasting Demons team is still hard to beat.
