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Fresh Kills at Filthier
by Isaac

The good times have been rolling all season long for Barch and Fresh Kills.  Maintaining a performance at an elite level has them on pace for a historic season.  No, we’re not talking about their record, we simply mean that they’ve been able to overcome the loss of Gabe’s talents that seem to have fallen off that cliff called marriage.  The expression on Roxy’s face has been that of anyone who is paired with Glanzer.

Ariel’s performances are Messi-esque at times.

Still butt-hurt from getting smoked by Ariel in the shootout loss Tim and Filthier are out for revenge.  (Every time that video resurfaces on Facebook they collectively make the face of a slapped ass.)  While the losses of Denis and Suvin this season have been hard to overcome that new clean-cut fellow seems to perform adequately.  Can he replicate some of that lost poise and panache?  Shafiq sure hopes so.

Prediction: James bumfuzzles the Kills’ defense with his skillz and Filthy stamps a blemish on the FK’s record, 5-3.

Mega Touch (L/L/L/W/L; final two: LBS, Inc., Gremlins) at Corlears Hookers (W/W/W/W/W; final two: Fresh Kills, Cobra Kai) Tompkins East, 1645
by Hornswoggle

This division rivalry will be one of Julie’s last chances to stay in her own [namesake’s] division, since the last two will be highly demanding and exhausting. Brutal losses against the Riots and Sky Fighters may have diminished the morale of the players, and perhaps because the weather has prevented them from sporting their marquee jorts at least once this season. So will they don them on Sunday? I reckon the fashion statement will leave a few opposing players double-taking once or twice too many.

Meanwhile, the Katz conference team in Grimace™-colored regalia has been on a tear, and the timing may as well be perfect as the Ocean City/Labor Day break is fast approaching. However, before the break is their long-awaited matchup with the undefeated Fresh Kills, this Sunday’s game against Mega may as well be a training session for them, considering their from.

Prediction: This game will probably be more boring than watching paint dry. However, if Alok turns his passive-aggressiveness around and gets called for one—just one!—infraction, I’m privy on carrying the skateboard ramp with a vat of buttered popcorn. Hookers nonchalantly axe Mega by three goals.

Instant Karma (L/L/L/L/L; final two: Fuzz, Gut Rot) at Gremlins (W/W/W/OT/W; final two: Rehabs, Mega Touch) Tompkins West, 1645
by Hornswoggle

The tragedy for last Sunday was watching an Instant Karma team (1) scrambling last minute to find an available, eligible goaltender, (2) dejectedly conceding a near buzzer beater in the second half to a wavering What the Puck side, as well as (3) having to see that particular moment as a cover photo on the league Facebook page. I personally tried to assuage Isaac postgame with a Messi picture, but to no avail. The battle with Mega Touch to prevent relegation has been long occurring, what with Cobra Kai, Hookers, and Gremlins vying for the top division spot. While I’d say this division rivalry is winnable for Karma, methinks the unexpectedness in attendance and inconsistencies in their gameplay both lead me to doubt their success on Sunday.

‘I’m not usually a praying man, but if you are up there Superman, please send me to Barca or Instant Karma.’

At the opposite end of the division lies our trivia guru/Grammar Nazi, Walker, and his monstrous minions. Specifically, it is known that he, Jamie, and Erich have been surveying the court to review strategies, scoff other refs, and munch on scones. They’ve all the elements of a well-built team: goal scorers, veteran presence, and solid goaltending. How all those will hold up against the Rehabs next week is unknown at the moment; but in the meantime, the Gremmies will have a slight test on their hands, and something tells me the entire squad needn’t be there.

Prediction: The Gremmies have a penchant for playing casual in the first half, and while that may not lead to any kind of demise for Sunday, it is the kind of habit they will not want to carry next week, the week after next, and the playoff weeks as well. Nevertheless, they’ll certainly have the patience to strike at opportune times and drop Karma like a ton of bricks. Isaac, I’m preparing more Messi pictures for your next email (sorry, none of them with Coutinho in them). Gremmies triumph by two.

Fuzz (W/SO/W/L/W; final two: Instant Karma, Filthier) at Rehabs (W/L/W/W/W; final two: Gremlins, LBS, Inc.) Hockey Night in Tompkins [National Telecast] Tompkins East, 1800
by Hornswoggle

While any team playing the Fresh Kills—this Sunday, it’s Filthier—potentially becomes a marquee matchup, this evening division rivalry holds all the keys to an entertaining game, not to mention the possibility of yet another Sultan South[east] Side Smash/Smush in the works. Yes, the topsy-turvy Fizz are probably feeling a little relieved that this season is slowly coming to a close, knowing that in just a couple months, they won’t have to be some sort of laughingstock… until next year. Right now, though, they’ve still got talent: Jeff and Alexa are just as dynamic as they were, Miles still shakes defenses up, and Hicks can lift most the opposition up and put them down (not necessarily gently).

The Rehabs are steadying the course, and defending their title with nearly half the league in the 20-point range will be a challenge for them. Two regulation losses is second best to Fresh Kills, and the defensive trident of Sena, Cherie, and elite-level goalie Eric is part and parcel of finding the ingredients to success. Many teams, perhaps, think the rossoneri is the team everyone loves to hate, but none of its players seems to have crossed the line that is the league’s first rule. So, love ‘em or hate ‘em, this team is quite talented and will always have Showtime’s mouth and fingertips to back that up.

Prediction: The Sultan will certainly tone it down with his physicality, and he’ll receive a lot of jeering from the opposition (not only the Rehabs). An element that will frustrate Fuzz is that the Rehabs’ roster will remain consistent through the entire 50, so unless there is a complete mismatch in the Rehabs’ lineup (due to absence or injury), a breakthrough will be a rarity for Fuzz. Some will be hoping for a Sena-esque own goal, but the Rehabs will put the match to rest by holding a two-goal lead firm.

Butchers (W/W/L/W/L; final two: Dark Rainbows, Fresh Kills) at Sky Fighters (L/W/W/L/L; final two: Tompkins Square Riots, Gouging Anklebiters) Hockey Night in Tompkins [Regional Telecast], Tompkins West, 1800
by Hornswoggle

With Math facing the LBS this Sunday and Poutine the following Sunday, the Butchers’ schedule is marginally easier, and winning the last two out of three could mean Rachel’s worst nightmare of being in the top division. Facing the likes of teams that have actually won a championship at the turn of the decade isn’t what the Bloody Tide® had in mind, but at the rate the squad is going, their future schedule may be inevitably unfavorable. Like the Rehabs, they’ve stayed the course—even amassing a 7-game win streak—and could snatch a comfortable playoff spot.

Regardless of whether Roman plays Greg will be bringing some nasty.

Stein and Olivier could rest in the fact that their team’s reputation won’t be cast in the shadows, only because of a single person: Mike T. Yes, you might’ve read the metrics that show his trajectory that blows previous BTSH Pichichi winners through the roof. Think about it: it takes four Gremmies to get 64% of the team’s goals, but one Sky Fighter to achieve 57% for his team. Therefore, it shouldn’t be surprising to say that Mike is the fulcrum for every offensive campaign, right? Well, no. Succinctly, opposition should rotate their focus to Ro-Teyt, Mike’s brother. Roman is the “man behind the curtain” and you wouldn’t want to block his shots. And when Roman is on the bench, watch Bob W. sail a few over the crossbar. [Bob has won a couple of ships with different teams, btw.]

Prediction: Of the four teams I’ve offered to write, this duel will be tough to gauge. Both teams have noses for the net (Pete D. of the Butchers has 9), and women who know how to play the game (Sky’s Coop and Butchers’ Georgine). They both have players who hustle (Infanti vs. Creamy) and players who can elude opponents (David vs. Olivier), so honestly, there isn’t a clear-cut winner here. Butchers are likely to take the W if they force a shootout, where David and MDF put their attempts past Stein… and sadly no one will be there to record them.

LBS, Inc. at Mathematics
by Isaac

The Legend of Sizzler is in full effect and word of his on (and off) court performances is spreading throughout the league like the inevitable Long Night across Westeros.  With the newly acquired Cat’s Paw dagger by media writer Arya the LBS defense has become even more dangerous in open space.  They’ll be looking to knife through Math’s forces and assassinate the Net.

Could No One have also taught the LBS how to play hockey?

Meanwhile Math have remained steady and competent in the majority of their battles this season.  The indispensable (and also underrated) talents of Bradley and his buddy Jon on defense have been more than enough to make up for Sarah’s blunders this season.  But if they want to stay in the race for the CMB division title then that long-haired, pants wearing, backwards hat sporting, hippy dude will need to come correct and do his thang.

Prediction: a close game that appears headed for OT until Amy scores in the final 2 minutes of regulation.  Math win 3-2.

Gut Rot at What The Puck
by Arya Stark

2017 has been a strong bounce-back year for both teams.  What The Puck finished last in their division last year and were relegated as per god’s law.  They’ve responded with a strong season led by captain Emily Moore’s stellar play / singing voice and the adept stick skills of Zac “Hoggystyle” Hogg.  WTP currently stand within striking distance of Poutine for the division crown; seeing as Poutine will be playing the sole winless team in the league this year, they’ll need this game to keep pace.

Also within striking distance is the band of marauding alcoholics and bandits known as Gut Rot.  Continuing to exist as the depraved love child of Ron Burgundy pounding scotch (pre-game) and Ser Davos stranded on an island (post-game), Rot have won three of their past four games and could potentially go from finishing dead last with one win and a -70 goal differential to a winning record and first round bye in just one season.  Sure, #akhilnation isn’t trending like they had hoped, and Becca’s still trying to figure out how to sign up for the Olympics, but things are certainly looking up.

Prediction: Unfortunately, chronic alcoholism does have its downsides (or so I’ve been told).  4-1 Motherpuckers.

Denim Demons at Gouging Anklebiters
by Isaac

These two teams just adore one another.  Both have been opening the door for the other to stay in their division all season long.  But alas, unless the wheels come exploding off of Timmy Baby it looks like Josh and the Demons will be the team moving to a new home next season. 

Prediction: Demons regain their scoring touch and earn a much needed victory, 4-3.

Cobra Kai at Tompkins Square Riots
by Arya Stark

It’s been a rough season for the Riots.  Despite strong play from the likes of Suz and Jen along with smart free agent pickups like Evan, they’ve had trouble getting on the board while GDR has at times been left out to dry.  Last week they exhibited strong stretches of play against the Gremlins and while the game was closer than the final score would indicate, they nonetheless were only able to pot one breakaway goal.  The Riots will have to work on getting shots through in the offensive zone and focusing on tight, fundamental play if they have any hope of taking down the dojo.

The Cobra Kai, on the other hand, are in the midst of an impressive seven game winning streak and sit tied for second in points with the defending champion Rehabs.  They’ve got a goalie who’s #2 on the leaderboard and are top five in goals against and goals for, thanks in no small part to the efforts of Will Green.  Will, for those who may not be aware, has a lot more going for him than a very serious resemblance to his spirit animal and possible biological father, John C Reilly.

The legend picked his own team in Survivor two weeks ago as they were set to play the Gremlins for the division lead.  Down 1-0 with under a minute left, it seemed like he would fall victim to the picking-your-own-team-curse, otherwise known as “Brady’s original sin.”  Somehow, the Cobra Kai were able to tie the game with a mere 13 seconds left and win it in overtime.  Then just a week later, he picked up the #1 star by notching a natural hat trick on a single shift.  Here are some other facts you may not know about this great man:

• The opening scene of “Saving Private Ryan” is loosely based on a game of dodgeball Will G played in second grade.
• Will G once ate three 72 oz steaks in an hour.  He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with the waitress.
• Will G is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are the trademarked names of his left and right legs.
• Will G once ate an entire cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper inside.
• In ancient China there is a legend that one day, a child will be born from a dragon, grow to be a man and vanquish evil from the land.  That man is not Will G, because Will G killed that man.

Prediction: Cobra Kai wins 6-2 on the strength of another hat trick from Will.  He also scores both Riots goals and solves the North Korea crisis during a water break. 

Poutine Machine at Dark Rainbows
by Isaac

(Drunk) Machine has been in a funk lately.  With the division title on the line they need to pull it together quickly.  Luckily for Charlotte and her goony gang of slippery thugs this could be a perfect opportunity to regroup before the playoffs.  Not only are two points at stake, but also another divisional victory to increase the margin between them and that orange team.

Keep you eye on the ball Poutine.

The Rainbows’ season may not be playing out the way they initially envisioned, but you can never count them out of any contest.  Not even a Hot Legs contest (YEAH BABY).  Jason, Tia, Fallon and Josh have found their way onto the Box Scores lately and when the big dogs eat from the table they don’t go back to the dish.

Prediction: Kevin and Whitney get caught gazing at each other while the Rainbows pump it past RJ for a 3-2 first season win.